Midsommer

[peter]

I've got one thing to say to the makers of this almost embarrassingly bad film..... The Wicker Man.

I mean, why would you do this? Make a film, so egregiously and obviously mirroring that Edward Woodward starring masterpiece - and then doing it so badly that the end result is an excrement soiled rag fit only for carrying out to the incinerator with a long pair of tongs!

There must - there must - have come a point as the actors and actresses were asked to perform yet another cavorting dance, emitting pitious moans and tearing their shirts in anguish, that they thought to themselves "this is not going to end well". The story was so full of the tropes of nature cults (chains of hand-holding children dressed in white with garlands on their hair dancing barefoot through the grassland) that one expected Gwyneth Paltrow to pop up advertising a vaginal egg at any moment. The special effects were so unspecial that they looked like the budget had only stretched to renting out Spitting Image rejects for half a day, and the final denouncement so drawn out and predictable that even the humour value you had briefly taken from the steaming pile of ordure had been throttled out of you to the point where, like the protagonists, you just wished, wished, it would end. When the main actor is finally taken naked and gibbering and sewn into an evicerated bear carcass (with his face pointing out teletubbies style) and burned alive, you can only wish that the entire cast, director and production team had been treated likewise - preferably before the film was made!