So I haven't been around much the last several years, and when I am, I don't stay around long. And I probably won't stick around long, though I suppose I'll have to at least pop back in in October for my 20 year anniversary. These days, I think it's just the bones of the board itself. Sure, it might be fun to pull out the old manual typewriter once in a while, but it takes a particular dedication to write one's novel on it (actually popped in to look up something I'd said about abortion a long time ago, and the search function keeps getting worse. no luck).
So what's been going on with me lately? For all but the handful of members friends with me on Facebook (and really just the insane few that pay any attention to what I say there), probably the biggest news is that my wife of 20 years--Hellfire, for the really old-timers--and I are divorced (technically 21.5, as the divorce hasn't quite gone through yet). What can I say there? Yeah, we always had problems, but things got pretty bad the last few years. I suspect a handful of mental health problems on both sides. Mine owing to finally acknowledging that I not only have all the traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic but some attendant codependency issues as well. Hers... well, I won't go into it other than saying that I don't really know anything but things appeared to get especially bad after she started taking medication after getting diagnosed for ADHD (we watched a documentary on Ritalin after our teenage son was diagnosed, and her takeaway from that was apparently it was something she should try. A more charitable version is that she recognized a lot of the traits in her own behavior, but I still think she missed the overall point). We also tried ethical non-monogamy (not my idea, but I didn't have to be dragged into it. I will say that no matter how many safeguards you think you have in place, trying to drag someone out of it... oof) for a few years before that, and while it created some worthy experiences and was not the root of our problems... yeah, you don't need me to say that was a bad idea, especially with the aforementioned problems (yes, it works for some, but even those in the community know long-term success in a given relationship isn't the most likely outcome).
But it's fine now. I'll always love her, even if it doesn't sound that way and even if I can't adequately say why now without referencing Fromm. I've been with my current girlfriend for over a year now, and while I will never be happy with the divorce or say shit like, "It's for the best," it's an equally valid and quite probably healthier reality. My emotional health is good, owing a lot to seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist when it went down, thankfully before Covid.
Another fun note: a few months after she left, my ex had a restraining order served on me at work. Not that I did anything to warrant it besides saying we should try to fix things and responding to her practically relentless vitriol over text and email, usually over my refusal to accede to demand after demand or accept her characterization of things. After going to court for it 3 times, I had it entered as a consent decree, in which I wouldn't bother her if she didn't bother me (ask me how well the latter part of that turned out). And I have to assure you all that I never made any physical or verbal threats or said anything more disparaging than I have in the Tank (and if my arguments there seem tedious or pedantic, a lot of that is from verbally trying to beat my head against the wall with a parent that would not engage in rational discourse then shortly after started a family with someone disturbingly similar in retrospect). Not that I blame her, exactly, as it's largely tied into my suspicion of the illness (knowing full well that not being neurotypical myself, that very well could feed into my own bias, macho culture, etc.).
Speaking of Covid, what a year, eh? As far as I know, I never got it (though I swear I had it in November right after my ex left, and I know a lot of people say that, but...), and I jumped on the vaccine as soon as I could (still waiting for my mutant power to manipulate my own timeline to kick in). All good, though I often feel like my experience with it is a bit different than most, as life got real weird for me a while before and I had enough time to adjust to that before the other thing. I also work in a cleanroom environment (LED manufacturing), so I had the essential worker thing plus my usual hermit-like existence outside of family engagements.
My oldest son turned 18 last November and moved out shortly after, about the same time as my ex took over 75% custody of my 9 year-old daughter (part of that was for her agreeing to get an independent psychological evaluation, but after going to a psychologist for a routine evaluation for care, she said she was done), so it's largely me in a big empty house. He's been back home with me for a couple weeks (one of those 'between places' liminal states of early adulthood), not without some hiccups there.
Besides watching everything remotely desirable and a bit more on various streaming platforms, I also got back into World of Warcraft, which I had to quit back in the day because my ex was claiming to be a "WoW Widow," never mind that I didn't spend any more time on it than I usually did reading or playing other games, but whatever. Also grew and kept a beard for the same reason. For the record, it looks awesome and is not at all scratchy! I also haven't cut my hair in god knows how long. Even before the divorce, I was just shaving the sides and getting my free haircut once a year on Veterans Day. I now look like my hippie uncle did when I was a kid, which is fine, since he was always kind of my role model.
The only downside is that I was in pretty damn good physical shape before it all, and now... Divorce + Covid + Drinking pretty much wiped that out. Still, though, I bought a good treadmill with the first stimulus round, and I'm getting back to where I was. Also cut way back on the drinking in favor of an alternative. I feel good, but I also keep putting off going in for a physical. Heh.
Financially, I'm doing really well. Part of it was from starting a new job in January, as my division at a larger manufacturer (Cree) got sold off to a holding company and I wasn't about to stick around to see how that played out (plus pre-existing problems with supervision, recognition, and compensation). Even with support payments to my ex, splitting my 401K, and all that jazz. The house wasn't worth that much back then so I got that in the bargaining process, but basically being handed a Covid deferral on my mortgage for over a year now has been awesome. Now... Not only is the market what it is--in all of Durham there are 3 non-contingent properties with my house and lot size--but all the land around me (literally all around me on my side of the street) has been picked up by a housing developer and they didn't say no to my intentionally high offer for my .6 acres. If all goes well (knock on wood), I won't have to pay any kind of agent or repair fees and have more than enough left over after paying off the car my ex saddled me with* and my student loan debt**, which I really haven't paid any attention to in a decade.
*Shortly before she left, my ex had me sign on an almost new Ford Escape, even though I told her there was no way I could afford that car on my own along with everything else and I did not want a repeat of the last experience where she said she'd pay for the new vehicle then not actually get a job to do so (or when I cosigned on a leased Mitsubishi Eclipse when we met to see it repo'd a couple years later. yeah, I'm not a smart man, financially). She demanded to keep the car in the separation agreement (which was fine by me. I had my cheap Fiat), and despite wording I had put in saying otherwise, in February she told me it was too expensive and that it was my problem (sure, "I didn't know it meant that" isn't a viable legal argument, but I would have had to take her to court to prove it. And I kind of like having a newer car and can afford it).
**Ironic that I even have student loan debt, considering I went on the GI Bill and got my BA in English in 2 years.
And I don't like how that sounds like bragging, but considering I've felt poor for so long after being the only income earner on a middle class lifestyle in mid-level technician positions (or the aforementioned college period), it's really just a relief. Like, I might not actually die penniless and work every day until then after all. Amazing!
Like everybody else, I guess, I've had a lot of time to think and listen to music (thankfully, as a lot of tech work is mind-numbing without some headphones on). As a result, not only have my musical tastes expanded quite a bit (listening to a lot of good but depressing shit during a divorce equally to blame), I also started catching back up on philosophy and theoretical physics. And either I completely lost it (likely), or I just might have stumbled upon an idea which could significantly change our understanding of reality. But even knowing the appeal of magical thinking and real world fallacies, I still can't shake it or say it isn't true. I'll try to put it forward in The Close, but at the very least, it will make an awesome novel.
Speaking of which, I did actually start writing a novel a while before the divorce. I had quit my job at Cree for another semiconductor place (burnout after dealing with the same problems every day for 4.5 years and no other good options forward) and then very quickly got tired of the new job. I was told before starting that it would be about 60% process engineering, 40% maintenance. It ended up being 90% maintenance. About the most challenging task I had was mounting and aligning a crystal to be cut into wafers (there were lasers and math involved, at least), but I spent most of my time changing out wires, spools, and boron carbide slurry, the latter of which stained almost all of my clothes from that time. Other than that, I spent a lot of time wiping down little wafers with alcohol and packaging them. Anyway, my ex suggested I should quit and write my novel, which I actually could do because I had received a small inheritance from my aunt.
I got a bit over 100 pages in when the money ran out (a little over two months. I write very slowly). My ex was too busy with her other pursuits to do more than maybe one application a week (they had to be perfect jobs aligning with her ideas of self-actualization and her pursuit of being a health coach) to help out like she had said she would when I asked if she was sure I should do this. So I ended up going back to Cree, a better position but less money than when I had left, despite it being a much harder job to fill. At least I learned a metric ass-ton about ENOVA, SQL, and object-oriented programming (or JMP for those familiar
).And now a lot of the central ideas in the novel have been drastically altered by my new ideas, meaning I more or less have to write the whole thing from scratch. But I'm very excited about it. I just need to get my ass into the chair and write it. So taking up another KW addiction probably isn't a good idea
Hmm, what else? Oh, I did go skydiving on my 42nd birthday. Had a small party for my 44th a few weeks ago in which I built a bonfire in the back yard from the decrepit picket fence around my place that I tore out. That was fun. My girlfriend and I rented a place on Tybee Island (just outside of Savannah, GA) for the 4th of July, which should be really cool. We're also planning on going to a Phish show (her thing, not mine, but I like festivals) in Tahoe in September, hopefully take my kids (not to the show) with us so they can see my family in NV.
The new job is great. The work itself is ok, but it's salaried, M-F. Even without shift differentials and overtime, it's still a good bump up. And the schedule... I guess you have to understand that most semiconductor tech jobs require 12 hour days, 3 or 4 days a week, and that's before overtime. And most days I work from home about half the day. And work is 10 minutes away. Of course, that also makes the decision about where to live after I sell the place a bit harder. I wouldn't mind the simplicity of bachelor apartment life, but it'd also be nice to live with my girlfriend (we've talked about it). Nice place, but it's a 50-minute commute, though I've had much longer for worse jobs (like when I was living in Maryland near Cail and had an hour and a half each way, or when I moved back to NC and was driving an hour and half each way to a 12-hr night shift job)
For a while I was doing some freelance editing, mostly in a niche genre called LitRPG, but other than finishing the last novel of a friend's series that got me started on that venture in the first place (said friend also threw me a huge lifeline when things went down and I had no idea how I was going to get out of that hole), it was just too much time for the money. And a client wouldn't stop improperly using semicolons, no matter how many times I explained them to him, which drove me a little insane. Also, if you're paying for an editor, either take the editing notes seriously or save yourself money and get proofreading (heh. and the editor after me apparently only did editing notes, judging from the negative reviews I read on Amazon and his request for me to 'quickly' fix formatting issues throughout the novel. And yeah, that's a bit catty, and I'm ok with it)
Heh. And shortly before the divorce, my ex and I did take a 20-year anniversary trip to the Galapagos. The shine wore off a bit when I discovered that she was clandestinely plotting leaving both before and after the trip, but still (once to live in a hut in Costa Rica to work for a crazy lady on an animal sanctuary, only telling me about it after the lady said that bringing one's 8 year-old daughter along was too crazy even for her). It was an amazing experience, the highlight of which was a 2-dollar street empanada I got in Puerto Ayora that still makes me salivate when I think about it. Snorkeling with sea lions, sharks, and sea turtles is a close second.
Can't believe your kid is 18. (Don't think I even knew about the daughter.)
you certainly deserve your silver lining. Yes kiddos grow so fast … my babies, all adults are still my babies though our relationships have evolved in adulthood and I just love this reality - where we can joke around and share a drink and lots of lols 
.. feeding them and being entirely responsible for them. 
… loved having him home … loved all his classes … and I improved my fitness by joining in most of his. dance fitness classes and some of his jazz funk classes. 
path together … the best thing I ever did was cut ties with him. He was a toxic personality … and all our lives are richer and healthier without him in it. 
