Homemade short stories

[Seareach]

BUM, Seareach...or arse if you wanna really Aussi-fy it...

I kinda figured that...but thought I should check. Either definition, I wouldn't want to pull a sandcastle out of it!

[Elfgirl]

I wouldn't want to put a sandcastle INTO it...

Pounding sand up a...?

[Seareach]

I wouldn't want to put a sandcastle INTO it...

Pounding sand up a...?

Oh yeah...that too!!! And with that, can we talk about something other than my....

[Elfgirl]

I was alluding to Jenn's famous saying about pounding sand up a fat dog's arse. Thought that mighta changed the topic....somewhat...

Hey, how about that cyclone hitting West Oz?

[Seareach]

No where near you though?

Oh and...

Spoiler

Niiiiccceee topic change....niiiccceeee...very seamless!

[Elfgirl]

No, it's way north of us city slickers. Thing is, apparently someone's been killed in it - here's the latest...

www.stuff.co.nz/3987396a12.html

[Sunbaneglasses]

Palpatine hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a wookie that makes you sorry he lost. He loathed it.

Every December, Palpatine would feel himself getting all twisted inside. He refused to put up a Christmas light sabre, he snapped at anyone supple enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Palpatine had to go to the mall to buy a glowing robe. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing excitedly around and so much Christmas music blaring softly, he thought his cheek would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a musty man collecting for charity. Palpatine never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the musty man dropped his bells and ran in the throanroom. There was a soft ewok right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the musty man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Palpatine rushed out and quickly pushed them both out of the way. There was a coarse bang and then everything went dark.

When Palpatine woke up, he was in a dank room. There was a Christmas light sabre in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Palpatine's perianum hurt. A lot.

The musty man came into the room. "I'm so dark!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Vader. You saved me from the truck. But your perianum is broken."

Palpatine hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas light sabre up and his perianum was broken, he felt quite cantankerous, especially when he looked at Vader.

"Your perianum must hurt voraciously," Vader said. "I think this will help." And he choked Palpatine several times.

Now Palpatine felt very cantankerous indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Vader. "I love you," he said, and kissed Vader repeatedly.

"I love you too," said Vader. Just then, the ewok ran into the room and nuzzled Palpatine's elbow. "I brought him home with us," Vader said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Palpatine said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

[Holsety]

Here's a "fanfic" I wrote with it. I do know how to spell "Linden" but I guess I ended up with "lindin" from stupidity or something.

The Cockatoo Princess

Thomas was walking through a sensous meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a dangerous little Cockatoo lying under a tree.

Thomas skipped over to see the dear thing and was pneumatic to find that she was hurt! A fish-net had pierced her bearlike little posterior and she whimpered moxiously with the pain.

"My saggital little friend," Thomas said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the fish-net, as lewdly as he could. The Cockatoo cried out and Thomas's heart ached, like a rubix cube, shaped and reshaped by its owner to perfection.. "You'll be all right," Thomas whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Lindin and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Lindin up in his arms, Thomas carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Thomas nursed Lindin, cleaning her posterior and feeding her Rubix cube-brand Cockatoo chow.

On the eighth night, Lindin climbed into bed with Thomas. She burrowed under the covers and sexiliciously defenestrated Thomas's earlobe. It made Thomas giggle and he cuddled close to Lindin, stroking her big toe and singing desperately to her.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Thomas hurried home so he could curl up with Lindin. It gave him a pomaceous feeling whenever Lindin defenestrated his earlobe.

Then one night, Lindin looked up at Thomas and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a felicitious princess."

Thomas screamed coyly, he was so surprised. How could a Cockatoo talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Lindin said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Thomas said and kissed Lindin on her big toe. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a felicitious princess! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Princess Lindin," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Thomas said.

"See?" Lindin said and showed Thomas the scar from the fish-net on her posterior. Then she kissed Thomas and they tumbled along a nuclear waste disposal site and did a lot of very smarmy things, some of them involving a sexilicious natural sounds alarm clock.

"I love you," Lindin said when they were done. Thomas clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Lindin had stashed away.

And if Lindin didn't know about Thomas's visits to the Cockatoo sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt her.

[Cameraman Jenn]

To Carefully Bare

Elfgirl and Orlando Bloom were celebrating a lewd Valentine's Day together. Elfgirl had cooked a lacivious dinner and they ate on a romantic deserted island by candlelight.

"My darling," Orlando Bloom said, stroking Elfgirl's eye, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Elfgirl. "It is but a lurid token of my languid love."

Elfgirl opened the box. Inside was a loud butt! She gazed at it creatively. Then she gazed at Orlando Bloom creatively. "It's lucious," Elfgirl said. "Come here and let me bare you."

Just then, a lively crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like the stinky sand from a fat dog's arse permeates and penetrates the flaring nostrils of life. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a lusty voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Orlando Bloom read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my sister."

They stared at each other concentratedly as the crone cackled some more. Elfgirl's lips began to tremble. Then Orlando Bloom shrugged, pulled out a bowlingball, and hit the crone on her rump. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Elfgirl said and kissed Orlando Bloom concernedly. "This is a langorous Valentine's Day!"

They calculatedly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they bared each other all night long.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Elfgirl and Orlando Bloom
by William Shakespeare

Enter Elfgirl

Orlando Bloom appears above at a window

Elfgirl:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the bubble, and Orlando Bloom is the chihuahua.
Arise, lucious chihuahua, and bare the loud butt.
See, how he leans his rump upon his eye!
O, that I were a glove upon that eye,
That I might touch that rump!

Orlando Bloom:
O Elfgirl, Elfgirl! wherefore art thou Elfgirl?
What's in a name? That which we call a lips
By any other name would smell as languid
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like the stinky sand from a fat dog's arse permeates and penetrates the flaring nostrils of life"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove langorous.

Elfgirl:
Swain, by yonder loud butt I swear
That tips on a romantic deserted island the lurid bowlingball--

Orlando Bloom:
O, swear not by the butt, the lewd butt,
That calculatedly changes in its lively orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise lively.
Sweet, lusty night! A thousand times lusty night!
Parting is such lacivious sorrow,
That I shall say lusty night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Elfgirl:
Sleep dwell upon thy rump, peace in thine eye!
Would I were sleep and peace, so creatively to rest!
carefully will I to my lucious lips's cell,
Its help to bare, and my languid lips to tell.

[Holsety]

Yonder loud butt.

Heh.

[Cameraman Jenn]

I thought "That I might touch that rump" was the funny part....

[Wyldewode]

Seareach picked up the seashell, then withdrew a sand castle from her fanny.

This was his lover, his smoking Seareach, now staring at him with a sandy fanny.

Erm. Those are so much dirtier in British English. Heh.

I don't have stitches. . . but if I did, I sooo would have torn them when I read this!

Poor Sea. . . I hate it when I go to the beach--it seems like the sand lingers for days, showing up in the worst imaginable places. . . for you it must be absolutely miserable!

[Wyldewode]

Profusely Tripping

Gil tripped along sloppily. He was on his way to meet his lover, Jenn, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a cat hopping along, carrying a goblet in its mouth.

Gil was almost beneath the shadowed branch when he came across a stubborn cake, lying alone on a glittering plate. "That must be a treat from my gorgeous bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked tight, so he ate it.

It gave him the most heaving tingling sensation in his foot. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Jenn.

When Jenn came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Gil cried hoarsely.

"Your bosom! And your neck!" Jenn said. "They're scintillating! Can't you feel it?"

Gil felt his bosom and his neck. They were indeed quite scintillating. "Oh, no!" Gil said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that stubborn cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Jenn said. "I got you a bath. It must have been that hardened man who lives nearby. He acts a little roughly, ever since he stalked a book."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Gil sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Jenn said lingeringly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your bosom is really winsome like that."

"Really?" Gil dried her tears. Gil kissed Jenn and it was an entirely dewy sensation, like a river that flows gently into the sea.

They spent the night having entirely dewy sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

[Wyldewode]

1000 Book Cats

Gil paced lingeringly back and forth. Scintillating dread filled his heart. Jenn should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. Oh, my stubborn love, Gil thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Jenn had been taken hostage by Gorgeous Foot, a supervillain who had the city in a state of tight terror. Gil fainted dead away, like a river that flows gently into the sea.

When he came to, there was a bump on his bosom and the scintillating dread had returned. "Jenn, my glittering honey bunny," he cried out hoarsely. "What is Gorgeous Foot doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing profusely as he stalked her in the neck.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Gil remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 book cats, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Gil ordered in a supply of book and set to work, folding cats until his bosom was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last cat when Jenn walked in the front door.

"Jenn!" Gil screamed and threw himself into Jenn's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 book cats and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing beneath the shadowed branch. He kissed Jenn roughly on the neck.

"Actually," Jenn said, pulling away sloppily, "I was rescued by the Hardened Goblet. He's a new superhero in town." Jenn sighed. "And he's really heaving."

The scintillating dread came back. "But you're dewy to be back here with me, right?"

Jenn checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Hardened Goblet for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay winsome, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Gil choked back a sob and started folding another cat. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

[Elfgirl]

ARRRGH!!! Jenn, I LURRRVE you!!!

Elfie & 'Lando sittin' in a tree...K I S S I N G!! *does gollum precious dance*

my contribution...

Multitudinous Love

Vain finished packing. Ever since Seareach, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Vain had been filigreed.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing regurgitated him, all was infinitesimal. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going in mid-air to become a disingenuous shampoo.

Just then, there was a crepuscular knock at the door. Vain opened it and stood there sanctimoniously for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his neck.

When Vain came to, Seareach was holding his lower lip and looking spongiform. "My love," Seareach said orgiastically, "I'm sorry for the indigent shock. I've been shipwrecked on an obstreperous island for the last ten years, living like a dolphin floundering in a driftnet of despair. I was only rescued last week." She paused. "I lost my coccyx in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Vain could hardly believe his Seareach had returned. "I will always love you, coccyx or no coccyx. Besides, you can cover it up with a hair crimper."

They embraced impossibly and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was malodorous.

----------------EDIT------------another one which had me HOWLING!!!

Indigent Lang Syne

Vain sipped sanctimoniously at his drink and stood indigent behind a hair crimper. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel obstreperous and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how disingenuous his coccyx got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Vain knew very well why he was at the party: to see Seareach.

Ah, Seareach. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her filigreed neck made Vain's heart beat like a dolphin floundering in a driftnet of despair.

But tonight everyone was masked. Vain peered impossibly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Seareach. There, he thought, the woman over by the doughnut, the spongiform one with the axolotyl mask. It had to be Seareach. No one else could look so infinitesimal, even in an axolotyl mask.

She began to walk Vain's way and Vain started to panic. What if she actually talked to Vain?

Seareach came right up to Vain and Vain thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Seareach said orgiastically. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the shampoo," Vain said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so crepuscular.

Just then, a multitudinous voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Vain's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Seareach might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Seareach swept Vain into her arms, bent him in mid-air, and kissed Vain greedily, slipping him the tongue and groping his lower lip.

Vain could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out impeccably and pulled Seareach's mask off her face. It was Seareach! "I knew it was you," Vain said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Seareach said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Vain watched her go. She would be right back, Vain was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

[Seareach]

"And it's ... you," Seareach said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

...very good Elfy!

[Elfgirl]

...hoping nobody noticed how disingenuous his coccyx got when he was nervous.

That line is GOLD!

I wanna know where Jenn gets the Shakespearian version from ...

Got a link for us, honeychile?

[Vain]

Leave my coccyx out of this Sheez ! Girls !

[Seareach]

Oh come on.... you love the attention!