What if casting went terribly wrong!!

[deer of the dawn]

There was a lot of fun on another forum creating scenarios for a major fantasy film *coughlotrcough* that were just awful. Ice Cube as Boromir... Lindsay Lohan as Arwen... the possibilities are bone-chilling.

Do your worst!! Woody Harrelson as Covenant!! Jack Black as Triock!! Let the fun begin.

[dlbpharmd]

Phyllis Diller as Atiaran.

Don Rickles as Lord Hyrim.

Will Smith as Bannor.

[Relayer]

Rodney Dangerfield as Thomas Covenant.

[aTOMiC]

Review of Lord Foul’s Bane – The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant
By Christian Adam – Entertainment Guide Monthly

July 13, 2016

First of all I have to say that I am not a fan of either Science Fiction or Fantasy films. My interests lie elsewhere. However when I was told by my editor that I was selected to preview and write a review of the first installment of the long anticipated, big budget epic film series “The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant” I was secretly thrilled. I was born in 1992 so my experience is far removed from the year of 1977 when Lord Foul’s Bane, the first of a trilogy of successful books written by author Stephen R. Donaldson, was published. However thanks to my father, who loved the book and asked repeatedly that I attempt to read it, I had a basic understanding of the plot. It would be disingenuous for me to say that I was ignorant of the hype swelling to a fever pitch leading up to the release of this film. The internet has been crackling for more than a year with news, speculation and unbridled enthusiasm for this summer blockbuster event and frankly I’m not surprised. However I have to say now that I’ve finally watched the film, I believe fans will be both pleased and disappointed.

For those of you who are not familiar with the story I will keep from divulging any spoilers however I’m not entirely sure it will be necessary and I’ll try to explain why.

Lord Foul’s Bane is an ambitious film made by ambitious people trying to create something truly special. On many levels they have succeeded but not quite the way I believe most fans would prefer. The central character of Thomas Covenant, played by Hollywood staple Jake Gyllenhaal, is a complex antihero archetype. Gyllenhaal’s performance brings Covenant to life in a way I believe few would expect. When news circulated about the casting choices made, many chaffed at the selection. However Gyllenhaal seemed to capture the essence of Covenant, convincingly portraying his naiveté at the beginning of the story and making the difficult transition to the man Covenant becomes when his world is completely turned upside down. On the whole I believed in this Thomas Covenant more than the one my mind had created listening to my father’s descriptions so many years ago.

Where Covenant’s portrayal was an achievement, it is sad to say that other characters did not fair quite as well. Though we never actually see Lord Foul, voiced by Ewan McGregor, the character’s nefarious schemes and machinations permeate the entire landscape like a coming storm. However McGregor’s performance left much to be desired. Foul sounded to me like a drunken sea captain, listing like a doomed schooner in a high wind. Every time I heard his voice I felt the urge to sing a sea shanty.
The more “hands on” villain in the story, Drool Rockworm played by the miscast Zachary Quinto, seemed out of place. Using “practical” special effects, which only amounted to some rather awkward looking prosthetic hands and feet, the feeble minded Rockworm seemed ridiculous rather than menacing.
The giant Saltheart Foamfollower, played by a nearly unrecognizable Scott Bakula may have been the most disappointing performance of all. Bakula’s stiff portrayal of the jovial, good natured Giant was embarrassing to watch.

However the casting of the story’s author Stephen R. Donaldson as High Lord Prothal was in a word illogical. Donaldson’s familiarity with the subject matter wasn’t enough to save him from his own nearly non existant thespian skills. Donaldson’s Prothal chews the scenery like a psychotic mental patient, completely indifferent to the way the noble, wizened character appears in the actual story. Only the director, former football star Brett Favre knows exactly why this was allowed to happen on a film with a budget of no less than $900 million and expectations that no other film in history could match.

In spite of the problems associated with the cast, Lord Foul’s Bane does succeed on other levels. The look and feel of the picture is truly awe inspiring and panoramic. The Land is depicted as a breath taking vista gifted with majestic forests, sweeping plains and towering peaks. Revelstone, home and citadel to the Council of Lords is fully realized as a massive mountainous keep filled with complex passages and gloriously designed halls, epic in scale. No expense was spared in the special effects or artistic grandeur that was created to give Lord Foul’s Bane a realistic and truly memorable world for it’s characters to inhabit.

In spite of the money, time and effort expended in the creation of this motion picture, there appears to be absolutely no chance that any of the sequels will be made given the baffling incompetence run amuck with regard to the film's cast.
One thing is certain, heads will roll when this turkey barely takes in enough money to pay for the catering bill.

I give Lord Foul’s Bane 1/10000th of a star out of 5 stars.

My advice? Stay the hell away from the theater’s this weekend. You’ll thank me later.

C. Adam

[matrixman]

The giant Saltheart Foamfollower, played by a nearly unrecognizable Scott Bakula may have been the most disappointing performance of all. Bakula’s stiff portrayal of the jovial, good natured Giant was embarrassing to watch.

However the casting of the story’s author Stephen R. Donaldson as High Lord Prothal was in a word illogical. Donaldson’s familiarity with the subject matter wasn’t enough to save him from his own nearly non existant thespian skills. Donaldson’s Prothal chews the scenery like a psychotic mental patient, completely indifferent to the way the noble, wizened character appears in the actual story. Only the director, former football star Brett Favre knows exactly why this was allowed to happen on a film with a budget of no less than $900 million and expectations that no other film in history could match.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Hey, Donaldson's thespian skills are great. He did an excellent Drool Rockworm for FBH!

[High Lord Tolkien]

I would both love it and hate it if Christopher Walken played TC.

[Ur Dead]

Christopher Lloyd playing Lord Foul
or Saltheart Foamfollower. or Bannor.

[Auleliel]

Thinking ahead to 2nd Chrons...
Me as Linden Avery would be a disaster.

[dlbpharmd]

Rosie Perez as Lena
Jack Nicholson as Mhoram
Alf as Drool Rockworm

[wayfriend]

Psychotic Break Brittany as the First of the Search.

[High Lord Tolkien]

Psychotic Break Brittany as the First of the Search.

[Cail]

Scott Bakula??????

[Cameraman Jenn]

Wayne Newton as Bannor.

[Cail]

Yeah, but Scott Bakula? He makes Keanu Reeves look like Olivier.

[Cameraman Jenn]

Keanu Reeves as Lord Mhoram. Juliette Lewis as Elena. Kim Basinger as Atrium. Wilmer Valderama as Thomas Covenant.

[aTOMiC]

Yeah, but Scott Bakula? He makes Keanu Reeves look like Olivier.

That's your problem?!?

I gather since you didn't mention it you think that Brett Favre would make a good choice to direct the film? Huh!?!

[CaamoraTime]

Vern Troyer as Saltheart Foamfollower
Joe Pesci as Thomas Covenant
Gilbert Godfried as Lord Mhoram
Stephen Wright as Trell
Roseanne Barr as Atarian
Fran Drescher as Lena
Madeline Kahn as Elena
Stevie Wonder as Hile Troy
Marty Feldman as Pitchwife
Chyna Doll as The First of the Search
Clay Aiken as Lord Foul

[Cail]

Yeah, but Scott Bakula? He makes Keanu Reeves look like Olivier.

That's your problem?!?

I gather since you didn't mention it you think that Brett Favre would make a good choice to direct the film? Huh!?!

Well, he's no Ken Stabler.....

[Mortice Root]

CaamoraTime wrote

Stevie Wonder as Hile Troy

Clay Aiken as Lord Foul

Very nice - you made me snarf my Moutain Dew!

And welcome to the watch.