We're #1 in #2

Post by **Cail** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:23 pm

Currently, the United States spends more than $6 billion a year on toilet tissue -- more than any other nation in the world. Americans, on average, use 57 squares a day and 50 pounds a year. Even still, the toilet paper market in the United States has largely plateaued.

Post by **lorin** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:28 pm

The ancient Greeks used clay and stone; ..........

yikes!

Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:52 pm

Fifty-seven squares a day. That's insane. Even so, my roomate must use 100 squares daily.

One roll will last me a month or more. No sh*t.

Post by **wayfriend** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:26 pm

We should get to the bottom of this.

I'm going to start a movement.

Post by **lorin** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:28 pm

wayfriend wrote:We should get to the bottom of this.

I'm going to start a movement.

If we push your movement, we should wipe out the problem.

Post by **AjK** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:49 pm

That statistic (and this thread) is full of it. (But as usual you folks are hilarious.)

Post by **dANdeLION** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:37 pm

AjK wrote:That statistic (and this thread) is full of it.

Quit being so anal.

Post by **aliantha** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:27 pm

In my opinion, that report strains credulity.

Post by **High Lord Tolkien** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:29 pm

This should come as no surprise to anyone here.
Bowel movements are what the Chronicles are all about.
Why else do you think the One Forest was decimated?
Toilet paper production!
Aliantha might taste great but it's fiber content alone will keep you wiping for hours.
Why do you think Andelain is so rich and lush?

The Ritual of Desecration was so horrible to the people of the Land because it destroyed all their toilet paper sources.
The Wards were just instructions on how to make the best toilet paper.
Kevin knew that after the RoD trees would be sparse so the first Ward only had limited info.
The Oath of Peace ruined Kevin's plans though:
Do not push where relaxing is enough;
Do not strain where pushing is enough;
Do not tear where straining is enough;
Do not prolapse where tearing is enough;
The greatest bowel movement is one where there is no blood... and floats.

SRD uses clever euphemisms throughout the whole series.
When Giants are always "laughing" it obviously means farting.
Ravers are "ill" and "haters of trees" means that they are poor wipers and smell horrible.
When he says that ur-Viles have no "eyes" he obviously means "assholes". Why else do you think they are so pissed off at their Demondim creators? Imagine being practically immortal like ur-Viles are but being incapable of taking a shit?
The Haruchai were so sick of wiping themselves that they took an Oath of immortal service just to avoid it. No eating = no crapping.
Then Covenant shows up with his "white gold ring" which really means "asshole that needs no wiping" and everyone goes ape shit crazy about it.
Foul wants to take this away from TC and keep this amazing power for himself.

Re-read chapter 20 in the Power that Preserves with a new understanding about how the Chronicles are all about bowel movements and how SRD uses euphemisms to hide it.

Foul is so evil and hateful because he has to spend eternity using the following for a toilet:

"Opposite Foamfollower was the great "throne" (toilet) itself. On a low mound against the far wall, old grisly rock had been upreared to form the Despiser's seat in the shape of jaws, raw hooked teeth bared to grip and tear. It and its base were the only things he had seen in Foul's Creche which were not perfectly carved, utterly polished. It appeared to have been irremediably crippled, grotesqued, by the age-long weight of Lord Foul's malice. It looked like a prophecy or foretaste of ultimate doom for all Ridjeck Thome's immaculate rock."

Sounds like Foul is building up to drop another "Illearth stone" if you know what I mean.

And don't even get me going about the 2nd Chronicles.
Linden is a "doctor" which means "lover of enemas".
But hey, who am I to judge?
If you love enemas too then obviously you love Linden.

Post by **aliantha** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:32 pm

Post by **AjK** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:44 pm

I sit in awe of HLT's asstounding command of all things TP. (Note how he skillfully leads us to deduce that TPTP is not just an acronyn for the title of a great book.) Not since the legendary Mr. Whipple has anyone commanded such respect in this field.

Post by **CovenantJr** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:19 pm

My former housemate uses loads of the stuff. She'll tear off half a dozen squares any time she needs to touch anything in the bathroom because she's paranoid about hygeine (though she doesn't believe in flushing after every use).

Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:37 pm

I have just returned from nominating High Lord Tolkien for a Watchy Award for his post here on this messy issue.

Thank you, HLT! :bows:

Post by **Cagliostro** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:46 pm

aliantha wrote:In my opinion, that report strains credulity.

I think it is a heap of crap.

Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:19 am

Ale and colonoscopys for everyone!!! Here Here!!!!!!!!

Post by **High Lord Tolkien** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 6:24 am

AjK wrote:I sit in awe of HLT's asstounding command of all things TP. (Note how he skillfully leads us to deduce that TPTP is not just an acronyn for the title of a great book.) Not since the legendary Mr. Whipple has anyone commanded such respect in this field.

good one with "TPTP"!

Post by **AjK** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:31 am

High Lord Tolkien wrote:good one with "TPTP"!

But a bad job spelling the word "acronym" apparently. Anyway all credit ultimately goes to Mr. Whipple. All hail the Master of Charmin! We bow facing away from thee!

Post by **sgt.null** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:51 pm

shit fire and save matches!!!

Kevin's Watch

Kevin's Watch

We're #1 in #2

We're #1 in #2