LOTR Covenant-style

[Sevothtarte]

Note: I'm aware most roles don't fit, I just entered names as they came to my mind, I didn't ponder long.

Book 1 - The Fellowship of the Ring

Many years passed in the real world and Covenanto spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Covenanto was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Covenanto hurried to see who it was making such a noise.

Covenanto opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Mhoram the wizard.

Mhoram, is it really you? cried Covenanto in delight, bordering on disgust.

Do not put on the ring! warned Mhoram. I was not going to, replied Covenanto.

Mhoram appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Mount Doom and was created by the hideous evil Raver, the Dark Lord Foul. It will kill you and suck out your soul.

AAIIEE! said Covenanto, I shall give it to you.

Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, the Land. They will know what to do with it, lied Mhoram. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Mhoram thrust his body through it and grasped the ears of a small hobbit.

Aha! cried Mhoram as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, How much have you heard?

Nothing at all Mister Mhoram, except all those things you said.

Bannor, laughed Covenanto as Mhoram mangled Bannor's ears, What are you doing?

Begging your pardon Mr. Covenanto sir, I didn't mean any harm by it, whimpered Bannor, I haven't told anyone else and I would dearly love to see the Land.

Mhoram gave Bannor's ears one last kick and said Then you at least shall accompany Covenanto, as shall Pitchwife and Vain who are also outside.

You complete Raverhead, Bannor! laughed Pitchwife and Vain unmerrily.

Covenanto, Bannor, Vain and Pitchwife began the journey to the Land. Mhoram had to go and speak to the boss wizard, Turiya and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs.

On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. Let's go in this tomb said Vain. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.

Just as the hobbits were about to have their earss removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily- dressed man. He began to sing:

I am Tom BombaRavero
You naughty barrow wights
I'll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo

The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom BombaRavero. Fortunately. Let's get on the road where it's safe said Vain.

Mhoram arrived at the tower of Turiya the White, the boss wizard. There is evil afoot! said Mhoram, There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Mount Doom that cause my ears to stand on end

So I see, said Turiya. But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring? Turiya parted his robes, For I have become Turiya OF MANY COLOURS!

What is this? cried Mhoram, aghast at the naked form of Turiya beneath his robes.

Oh what a Raver, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on said Turiya, quickly replacing his cloak. Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don't come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is

I hope the hobbits are alright thought Mhoram. Just as long as they've avoided the road

On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark Ur-Viles from Mount Doom. Do not put on the ring warned Pitchwife. I was not going to said Covenanto and the black rider buggered off.

Soon the hobbits arrived at the kicking Raver, an Inn for travellers such as themselves. Covenanto signed his name as Mr Not-Covenanto to avoid being recognised.

Greetings Covenanto said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. I am called Raverer by folk, but I am also known as Elenaagorn, son of Elenaathorn. You can call me Elena. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken! and he pulled out a stump of a sword, If they get close enough.

Bannor said How do we know we can trust this Raverer, Mr Covenanto? I mean Not-Covenanto.

I think that servants of Foul would seem fairer and feel like more of a Raver said Covenant. Whereas I feel fairer but look like a Raver! laughed Elena. Yes said Covenanto. Oh. said Elena.

Elena led the way to the Land. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. Ah! called Elena, It is Sunder the elf.

Elena coo-ee. said Sunder as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.

Sunder began to impart his news, Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn't belieeeeve it. Those naughty Ur-Viles are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come. And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine Ur-Viles were bearing down on them.

Fly, Covenanto, fly said Sunder, Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a bitch. And don't put on the ring.

Covenanto leapt onto Sunder's pink horse. My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you. cried Sunder as the Ur-Viles caught up to Covenanto and stabbed him.

Sorely wounded, Covenanto escaped the clutches of the Ur-Viles and spurred his horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The Ur-Viles watched from the other side of the river. Come back, come back, to Mount Doom we will take you. called the Ur- Viles with grim voices. Your ears, your ears, we will kick it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring.

You shall have neither the ring nor my ears screamed Covenanto as he fell off the horse. Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us said the unlucky Ur-Viles as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like Ur-Viles-shaped leaves in a river.

Covenanto woke up in the Land's intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. Mhoram, is it you? he murmured. Indeed it is, Raverish one. replied Mhoram kindly. You have been healed by the elves of the Land said Mhoram and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. But how did you get away from the tower of Turiya? asked Covenant. I escaped explained Mhoram inadequately. Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Hollian. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little Raverer that told the evil Foul of its location and e'en now seeks it again.

It was a pity said Covenanto, that the little runt Hollian was not slain earlier. Mhoram sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded Yes it was indeed a pity. Hollian is a worthless shit.

At the Council of the Land the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.

A tall man of the south called Hile spoke up. You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud? and he sat down sheepishly.

A short stumpy dwarf called Foamfollower said You must destroy this weapon of Foul and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Covenanto as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. Stop this foolishness said Mhoram. Foul has heard of hobbits and the real world at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount Raver in Mount Doom where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine Ur-Viles who ride. These nine shall be myself, Covenanto for the hobbit folk, Elena and Hile for the men, Foamfollower for the stout dwarves, Sunder for the girly elves and Bannor, Vain and Pitchwife for cannon fodder.

And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Mount Doom. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Elena said Foul's ears has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from Mount Doom. Mhoram agreed, His ears has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil.

What way did you walk? asked Vain Was it worse than the way you walk now? Mhoram set Vain's ears on fire and continued, We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!

I will not go through Moria gnashed Hile, What does the ringbearer say? Covenanto thought for a moment, We should go through Moria he said. Who gives a Raver what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Hile, HAHAHAHAAAAA! Gandalf began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Hile along.

At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak Raver and enter. Hmm hmmed Mhoram, But what to speak? Elena ponced up to the door, Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And... oh no I've broken it again. And he began to cry. You are an utter Raver, Elena said Mhoram. At that the doors opened.

All you had to do was speak the word Raver and it would open said Foamfollower. That figures said Sunder gaily, You Dwarves are a bunch of Ravers.

The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. Be very, very quiet commanded Mhoram No Vain, don't juggle next to the well/burglar alarm! But it was too late as Vain dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. You Raver of a Vain! said Mhoram, kicking him in the ears.

We must be swift, intoned Mhoram as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Pitchwife? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light. he said, walking into a room full of orcs. Oops! said Mhoram.

We must run from this place, cried Mhoram, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. Mhoram ran after them.

Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. Elena, who was hiding behind Sunder's prancing form, strode out. Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Elenaagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin.

Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. Elena wet himself.

AAIIEE! mentioned Sunder. A Nomrog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!

This is a foe beyond all of you. said Mhoram, Fly you Ravers, fly! Mhoram turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Nomrog smashed Mhoram through the bridge and into the abyss, Mhoram thought bitterly Actually I could have done with a bit of help.

About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Elena was hysterical. They're going to get us and cut our earss off. I'm too beautiful to die.

Sunder minced forward. Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They're a lovely bunch of boys.

That is not what we say in Gondor. growled Hile. Then you are Ravers in Gondor. said Elena, I've spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves. No one sought to challenge him on that.

In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Covenanto was asked to come before Linden, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The very sight of her caused Covenanto's ears to swell.

Greetings, my lttle Covenanto. said Linden, I have a gift for you. And she gave Covenanto a kiss.

Thank you, my lady Linden. said Covenanto when he got his breath back. Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that kiss will sustain me.

The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. Oh dear said Bannor, Are we going to that 'orrible Mount Doom place Mr Covenanto? Covenanto considered a moment and said I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else.

I will go with you. said Hile.

On the hill, Covenanto was in deep thought. Then Hile appeared. Give the ring to me Covenanto and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get shit-faced every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way he said. I'm sorry Hile but I can't help but think you might misuse it, replied Covenanto. That does it. yelled Hile, unsheathing his sword, I'm going to slice your ears off. Covenanto became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.

What have I done? cried Hile. Covenanto, you have misunderstood me. Come back! Then Elena appeared, What has happened here? he asked. Nothing, honest. said Hile May I be shot full of arrows if I'm not telling the truth.

Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings

Get your own here

[Fist and Faith]

Mhoram, is it really you? cried Covenanto in delight, bordering on disgust.

I literally did LOL

[Vain]

I don't even know where to start......that's just so cool on so many levels

[Reisheiruhime]

Sorry, but I started banging my head when you mentioned Bannor. What's my name?
j/k It was kinda funny. I thought the part about Turiya was funny

[Sevothtarte]

I just came across this ... now, is this proof Frodo failed and Sauron got the ring?

[Guest]

[Reisheiruhime]

That was me. Hate it when it does that.

[fightingmyinstincts]

That was hilarious! I positively HOWLED with laughter....don't make me do that in class! Wheeeeee! Love the gay elves BTW.....Heeheehee!

[Damelon]

Mr. Not-Covenanto

Excellent Sev.

[aTOMiC]

Spec-freaking-tacular! Well done.

[dANdeLION]

Sevothtarte, you are an author of enormous magnitude. You have my gratitude.

[Revan]

Everyone kept looking at me because I was laughing my ass off while reading this.
This version of LOTR is so much better than the original. heh. I loved it.

[CovenantJr]

....

[CovenantJr]

BUMP! because this is great, and so many people have joined since it was new.

[hierachy]

yeah I had forgotten about this...

[Revan]

yeah I had forgotten about this...

heh, I wish he could write the rest..

[dANdeLION]

BUMP! because this is great, and so many people have joined since it was new.

Here; my "bump" will make it stick to the top.

[danlo]

my "bump" will make it stick to the top

Hmmmm **what does that really mean? **

[dANdeLION]

It means I stickied it

[A Gunslinger]

funny stuff. HAW!