Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire

[SoulBiter]

Furls dreams were so detailed and spoke to her of many things. I believe that her dreams were messages to either help or guide her on her journey. This gift she had was also a gift that Steven had. I love this one since it was helping her to know that she was not responsible for every child (she had a desire to help EVERY one of these but obviously it wasnt necessary as he dream was telling her). Its a lesson we could all learn because in this, the voice she heard spoke of children that were already 'saved'. My interpretation is that their 'souls' were not in jepardy and thus she needent feel guilty for not helping them in this physical world.

Have I mentioned that I miss Furls here at the watch?.... Her journals are a part of her and I treasure seeing them here. Her writing is incredibly profound.

[Cambo]

Seconded. Far from being scared away, Fire Daughter, I have been cogitating. That post is so rich and deep, it inspired me to more than a simple expression of admiration (which it certainly deserves). Watch this space .

For the mean time, rest assured that I am not scared away, your mother's words are as moving and inspiring as ever, and my gratitiude for being able to read them remains. Also, here's a song:

"Shadowfeet"

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
And I've sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way


You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Not my usual fare, but makes me think of Furls and Shadowlurker

[Fire Daughter]

I sure miss her in every way. We all do. Her journal entries are little gifts from her, and I hear her speaking as I read them.

[Seareach]

You haven't scared me off. I just don't comment much, that's all.

[Cambo]

I sure miss her in every way. We all do. Her journal entries are little gifts from her, and I hear her speaking as I read them.

And you give us all a gift when you choose to share your mother's journal entires with us.

From what I have read oif Furls she always seemed to follow frank admissions of her spirituality with concerns that she had "scared people away." These were always followed by assurances that she had not frightened anyone, but that people simply had nothing to compare to her experiences, and so kept quiet.

Your mother's life and words have cahnged me profoundly. The only remotely frightening experience was receiving the McKinney version of a telling-off a little up-thread (which, incidentally, contained a disconcerting amount of smileys )

Don't ever think I have been scared off by the spirituality ingrained in your family. That is one of the things I love and admire about you all.

[Fire Daughter]

I'm my mother's daughter, that's for sure!

She was concerned at times how other people would react to her experiences and would hesitate posting about them. Her dreams, whether they occured while she was sleeping or while she was awake were always vivid. She could recall them verbatim. Some frightened her, while others brought her joy, much like Uncle Stephen's would him. Her journals are filled with recounts of her dreams.

I'll post more soon.

[Cambo]

I have posted a topic in The Close, inspired by the latest journal entry.

Anyone feel free to read and reply, if interested.

[Fire Daughter]

Great idea, Cam.

[Fire Daughter]

Home for spring break I'll try to get a couple of entries up this week.

[Savor Dam]

Welcome home to the Mountain...and happy first anniversary (somewhere in the last day or two) to your avatar!

Looking forward to those posts...

[Fire Daughter]

Welcome home to the Mountain...and happy first anniversary (somewhere in the last day or two) to your avatar!

Looking forward to those posts...

Really?? I didn't realize that I've had it for a whole year. It's a beautiful tribute to Mom. I will probably never change it.

[Savor Dam]

Yes. Menolly made that avatar and the flame-bearing DPJ one on the same night...now that I look back, it was March 17th of last year.

[Furls Fire]

Thanksgiving Day, November 23, 1989 2:23AM

Stephen, you sleep, your head in my lap, your beautiful face so serene. What to be thankful for this coming holiday? Everything. And yet, Stephen, looking at you my heart is heavy with grief at the thought of what awaits you. Yes, I know, we always knew that something dark hung over you, something even your brilliant light could not penetrate. But HIV? AIDS?

I’m remembering you now, a small child, wandering off from our campsite near the Grand Canyon. We found you sitting near the edge, near the great drop at sundown. Everything shaded in oranges and purples, everything but your eyes. I looked at the rest of our family as we moved to your side, and knowing me, knowing you, they stepped back, allowing me to sit next to you alone. My arm wrapped around your small shoulders. You leaned against me, your tears reflected the sunset. “What is it?” I whispered in your ear.

“I don’t want to leave any of you.”

Your voice sounded so small against the backdrop of the Canyon.

“Then again, look at what God can do, Tracie. Who would not want to be with Him?”

Then I asked, and I remember that I did not really want to know the answer, but I asked anyway. “Stevie, why are you talking this way?”

“I know.” Was all you said. So, I pressed.

“What do you know?”

You let out a long breath, so long that I was taken aback at how such a small body could hold so much air within. I watched as you tried to put into the words the thoughts in your head, and when you spoke, the sob in your voice nearly broke my heart. “I will have to leave you before I want too. I will have to fight for every breath I take when the end comes. And it will be soon. So soon. But that isn’t what scares me, Tracie.”

“What scares you?”

“That no matter how much I think I’ll not want to go when that time comes, It will be all I’ll want to do. I don’t want to hurt you all like that.”

Now, you stir as I run my fingers through your soft hair. The monster now has a name, the darkness has now taken hold. What will become of you, my beautiful brother? What horrors await you? I don’t know much about this virus, this thing that kills in ways that are somehow worse than cancer, worse than any other disease I’ve ever heard about. What reasons could there be for you, of all people, to now be cursed with it? I can feel the fear of it inside you as your chest rises and falls. I can hear the echoes of the monster’s laughter.

You, who shines the brightest of all of us. You, who sings with the voice of an angel. You, who takes everything in, everything, and finds the strength to hold on. And I beseech God, I beseech His Son, why Stephen? Why my beautiful brother? He, who lives only to do Your will and follow Your path?

And in this dark moment, the grace comes, the Presence enwraps me, us. I look down at you as His arms embrace us. A soft smile comes to your lips. And you say, in all your wisdom, “Tracie, we knew we would not be long here. I knew I would not be. And I also now know what my work will be, and yours. It is a glorious revelation. Glorious. Through pain, through sickness, through this coming dark, a great light will shine on us, around us, from us. And we will be among the ones…” your eyes open and you gaze up at me. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

[Menolly]

*indrawn breath of awe*

Such beautiful writing of such a painful time.
And the strength and faith shown by all.

[Cambo]

Through pain, through sickness, through this coming dark, a great light will shine on us, around us, from us.

Truth.

[Fire Daughter]

That was in the early days of AIDS...when so little was known. It became their crusade, to find out all they could, to raise awareness, to do away with all the false information...and to, most importantly, help those stricken.

They were "among the ones" who offered a glimmer of hope in all that pain and darkness. All the while, my uncle was battling it. Smiling. He is hope and strength personified. So is my mother.

I remember watching them in awe in those early days. I wasn't even born yet when it all started for them, so I grew up in the afterglow of it. All through the 90's and beyond, as my mother continued her tireless crusade after Uncle Steve's passing. All the people she helped, all the souls she saved, all the love she spent...

Angels on earth. That's who they were...

The world is just a little darker now...

[Fire Daughter]

Home for Easter...will post another entry this weekend.

He is risen!

Have a blessed Easter everyone.

[Fire Daughter]

Isaiah, sweet sweet Isaiah, cry out no more...I will, bring you home...

Here's Mom.

[Furls Fire]

Thursday October 30, 2003 11:02 pm

So, he revealed himself, the one who has filled my dreams, the one of whom the Guides speak, the one whose pain floods over me. And then, in a place I would never have expected, he spoke, just the other day on Kevin’s Watch. Oh Father, You and Your glorious Way! Your glorious Path! I knew I belonged there, I knew that by joining such a beautiful place, beautiful things would happen. And now…now I know his name, Isaiah, sweet sweet Isaiah. I become awash in such loneliness, such utter absolute aloneness. Your soul has been crying out to mine for so long, a beseeching wail, low at first, soft against the torrent of voices always present. But now, now it overpowers all others and my heart breaks for you. This agony now has a voice, a plea, a heart wrenching desire for peace, end.

Ah! If I had only found you sooner! You were there for such a long time. Always so far away, still so far away. It is times such as these when I realize how little I see, how small I am. My vision so clouded, my hand, outstretched, reaches so short a distance. The Guides berate me for this kind of thinking, telling me that I am not burdened with all the world. And yet, this one voice, this one cry, implored me, howled out its grief to me, and I still could grasp the reaching hand. I could not see the face.

The Guides and Stephen call out. “Tracie! The burden of the world is not just yours to bear!” And then Stephen, a whisper as I feel his arms around me. “He comes now, as he was meant to come. Such things are beyond you.”

Yes. Beyond me.

Isaiah, sweet sweet Isaiah…cry out no more. I will, bring you home….

[Fire Daughter]

So quiet...