cannibal recipe

[Lord Zombiac]

meat:
your source should be a child or toddler, no older than seven years. After seven years, your body has recycled itself to the extent that you no longer have most of the original atoms you were born with. Contrary to what most cannibals believe, you can not harvest a soul or gain your victim's strength and powers unless you consume "original atoms."
Treatment: fatten them with candy-- I recommend hot tomales and atomic fireballs. The cuisine of India and Iran recognizes the sweet-hot taste cinnamon lends to meat, and the best part is, you can not over-season your meat if it has been fed its seasoning.
Pre-slaughter: As cultures that include dog flesh in their diet have learned, tormenting your livestock prior to slaughter releases adrenalin which tenderizes the meat very well. You will not need to over cook meat like this to get it to fall off the bone. Tormenting children is especially easy, as it is their nature to trust adults, and they are especially traumatized when you betray this trust.
Butchery: As noted child eater Albert Fish observed, the ass is the best part, as are the "monkey and pee wees" of little boys. Don't overlook the succulent marrow, which is extremely high in nutrients and tastes flesh, mellow, and pudding like at the same time. It melts in your mouth, and no carnivore in the wild will leave its kill without it. In order to cook the marrow down, reduce the bones to manageable pieces using a saw with very fine teeth. Don't worry about feeding your animals the entrails and other discarded parts-- if you live in an area that has been used as a body dump, chances are your dog or cat may have already consumed and enjoyed human flesh. If your dog likes to scent itself by rolling in carcasses, keep the skin for your animal to roll in. Keep it covered in an airtight container for at least five days to achieve perfect body and fruity undertones. Maggots can be harvested for a nutty pilaf (to be discussed in further recipes).
If you are sufficiently skilled in tanning, you may work the hide into a very fine suede superior in all ways to chamois.
The teeth of children make excellent beads for necklaces or to accent the fringe of buckskin garments.
***
And now the recipe:
Cut the following vegetables into cubes no larger than 1/2 inch.
Beets
Carrots
Apples (optional)
Parsnips
Onion
Slice the following into larger pieces:
new potatoes
leeks
summer squash
Now coat the meat in oil and lightly coat in flour. Pieces can be as large as two inch cubes. The best oil is hemp or olive oil, but blend it with a bit of sesame oil for the authentic "long pig" flavor.
Spices:
mustard seed
rosemary
fresh chopped parsley or cilantro (cilantro is best for Mexican children)
garlic
thyme
sage
salt
white pepper
place flour coated meat and vegetable in a large mixing bowl and coat with additional oil. Add spices and hand mix lovingly until well distributed.
You may now:
1. broil in a shallow uncovered pan in the oven for 1 and 1/2 hours to two hours, basting in oil and spices until a rich brown glaze has developed.
2. slow cook in a crock pot for 6 hours.
3. place in your local Moloch idol as a burnt offering, but please keep in mind, some people (vegans mostly) will find it offensive to waste food in this manner.
Disposal of remains:
Most of the bones can be fed into a wood chipper and used to increase the activity of worms in the compost pile. Much potassium can be recovered in this manner and is "green."
The Pelvis is not useful, although you may be able to work the thinner, flatter pieces into blades for bullroarers for music and nature worship.
The skull is commonly used as a bowl or drinking vessel, but makes a great Halloween decoration, which is useful in attracting more livestock.
Consuming the brain or spine is a dangerous and unsound practice as it may cause you to contract the fatal illness known in New Guinea as "Kuru."
additional notes:
lamb, beef, or pork may also be used with similar results.

[aliantha]

Uh...you're kidding, right?

[Cheval]

Morbid

Makes me want to wash with Head and Shoulders.

[Harbinger]

Shouldn't this be in the Galley?

[sgt.null]

Shouldn't this be in the Galley?

agreed.

[Cambo]

Zombiac, are you available to babysit my younger cousin?

[Creator]

Shouldn't this be in the Galley?

agreed.

Brilliant!!! I agree!!

[stonemaybe]

Lord Zombiac wrote:

sage

I picked that up as 'sarge' on first read - oops!

[lorin]

Flashes of Dahmer....................

[DoctorGamgee]

If you haven't seen CANNIBAL-THE MUSICAL...you really need to.

[Menolly]

Why is this here at all?
LZ, may I totally delete?
...please?
ewww...

[Savor Dam]

This does not belong in the Galley. Move or delete, please!

[sgt.null]

Lord Zombiac wrote:

sage

I picked that up as 'sarge' on first read - oops!

nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Menolly]

This does not belong in the Galley. Move or delete, please!

Technically, there is nothing against the Watch's TOS in LZ's OP, so I have no justification to delete without his permission to do so. As for moving it, I don't know which forum would be appropriate. I am assuming, although I find it to be in poor taste (oh alright, pun intended), that it is meant to be a joke. But the post was moved out of Gen Disc, where most joke posts tend to be shared. So, I'm stumped as to where to move it to.

Still...
...eww.

[High Lord Tolkien]

Just delete it, it's stupid.
Would you even hesitate to delete a recipe for shit stew?

[lorin]

Just delete it, it's stupid.
Would you even hesitate to delete a recipe for shit stew?

what he said.

[Savor Dam]

Why is this here at all?
LZ, may I totally delete?
...please?
ewww...

This does not belong in the Galley. Move or delete, please!

Technically, there is nothing against the Watch's TOS in LZ's OP, so I have no justification to delete without his permission to do so.

Since it moved from where he originated it, LZ may not be aware of the new location, or of the reaction to the thread. If you have not PMed him directly, perhaps that might be a good next step...

If he declines to have it deleted, then surely you and your fellow mods can find a more appropriate home for it. It does not belong in the Galley.

[Menolly]

Since it moved from where he originated it, LZ may not be aware of the new location, or of the reaction to the thread. If you have not PMed him directly, perhaps that might be a good next step...

You do have a point. From what I have heard, not all of the Watch's mods notify a Watcher when a post or thread has been moved. LZ has been PMd informing him of the thread's relocation and my discomfort with it. That's as far as I'll go without his permission to delete since it really isn't against the Watch's TOS in anyway...

[Harbinger]

I'm sure the "recipe" is meant as humor. It's not my type, but I will admit that it is cohesive and well written. When Jon Smith does it, it's literature, and when a watcher does it it offends people. Oh, well. You clicked.

There are lots of recipes here that I don't have any interest in trying at home. This is just another one of them.

Menolly is handling this very professionally. Do you have the power to put it back where it was, Menolly? Just do that. It is a joke and there are places for jokes in Gen Disc. But it was given its own topic there, so I suppose LZ wanted as many people as possible to read it.

My recommendation to move it here was a joke too, but now I find the situation very funny even though I didn't find the original post so much so.

[Savor Dam]

Let me (in the words of another jowl-challenged American of last century) be perfectly clear. I have not now or at another time claimed that this "recipe" did not have a place as a joke. Whether or not it is funny is a matter of opinion.

What is not at all ambiguous is whether it has a place among the passingly-serious culinary discussions of the the Galley. I understand that Harbinger and others suggested as a joke that it be moved here...and that ali followed that as a simple way to get it out of GenDisc.

Lord Zombiac certainly has as much right to post this as Jonathan Swift had to publish"A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden on Their Parents..." Indeed, that is probably the precedent upon which LZ's post is most likely inspired. However, nobody is going to contend that Swift tried to get his Proposal into the cookbooks of the time!

Cannibal Recipe may belong somewhere on the Watch.
Just. Not. Here.