As the World Burns!!! A Kevins Watch SOAP!

Book 1 of the Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant

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The Dark Overlord
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Post by The Dark Overlord »

IVB- you are terribly sick-demented, depraved and deranged- YOU ROCK
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Mistress Cathy
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Post by Mistress Cathy »

IVB, this is hysterical!!!
stormrider
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Post by stormrider »

Okay, since I'm new here, this might not be a great idea, especially since I have no idea whether this is actually funny (although I do think the last 5 lines or so are), but I thought that if I posted something in here, it would inspire someone else to post. This thread is hilarious, and I'd love to see someone add to it. Unfortunately, I haven't read RotE since it came out. I'm re-reading it, but I'm only on page 100 or so. So to make up for the fact that I've forgotten a lot of the specifics, I just resurrected a couple of old characters. Anyway... my set-up is sort of long, but whatever...

(Everyone is sitting around in the Revelstone cafeteria. Suddenly, the specter of High Lord Elena walks into the room)

TC: Elena! What are you doing here?
E: I was bored.
TC: Well, it's good to see you again, but you're dead! Shouldn't you be in Andelain?
E: Well, you're dead. Why aren't you in Andelain?
TC: Being the Arch of Time is a tough job. I wouldn't do it if it didn't have some good benefits. I have tons of vacation time, and I've been saving it up for the last 2500 years or so. Technically, I don't have to report back to work for the next 100 years. My insurance policy isn't that great, though -- don't even have dental. But that still doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?
E: Honestly? Foamfollower was starting to get on my nerves. If I have to hear the tale of Bahgoon the Unbearable one more time, I'm going to off myself. It takes him about 8 days to tell it, you know.
TC: Dead people can't kill themselves.
E: It's a figure of speech. Sheesh, don't be so literal.

(Elena looks over at Linden, who is sulking in the chair next to Covenant)

E: Oh crap. Beloved, is that the b*tch who was harassing me in Andelain the last time you were there?
TC: Go easy on her. Her dad killed himself in front of her, so she had to murder her mom.
E: Wow, the years have not been kind to her, have they? Her hair's starting to go gray at her temples. Jeez, and talk about frown lines!
LA: What the hell?! I'm right here! Couldn't you at least go to the other side of the room to talk about me? No one ever even cares that I'm here. Even my dad killed himself while I was in the room. And incidentally, I look pretty good for my age!
E: Riiiight... If you'd lighten up a little, you might not have those frown lines. Anyway, your dad probably wouldn't have killed himself if you weren't so whiney.
LA: Oh my God, everyone blames me for everything! (*promptly starts crying*)

(Elena shrugs and sits down across the table from Covenant)

E: So let's catch up.
TC: Well, there's not that much to talk about. I just kinda float around the world in the Arch. How about you?
E: Actually, I've got a big problem. I'm pregnant.
TC: (*flinches*) Please god, tell me it isn't mine. No, wait... Dead people can't have sex!
E: They can have sex with other dead people.
TC: That's pretty messed up.
E: Oh, and I also slept with a very nice fellow named Anele on my way to the cafeteria. He was a bit... overenthusiastic, though.
TC: But you just said you could only have sex with the dead.
E: No, we can have sex with crazy people, too.
TC: That's weird and makes absolutely no sense... But god, that is so sick. Anele is my son! You just had sex with your half-brother!
E: (*pauses*) Hm. Oh well. Why is that surprising? I tried to sleep with you, and you're my father. That's much worse.
TC: I guess you're right. So you're pregnant, huh? Whose kid is it?
E: That's another problem. I don't know.
TC: What are the options?
E: Mhoram, Kevin, and Bannor.
TC: I'm not surprised about Kevin -- you always had a creepy obsession with him. And you and Mhoram were both High Lords, so I guess you've got some stuff in common. But Bannor?? You've got to be kidding.
E: You forget that the Vow was corrupted. The Haruchai were a very "hot blooded" people, and he hadn't been with anyone in over 2000 years. First, he was busy with the Vow, and then he spent the remaining years of his life following Ranyhyn around. I had to give the poor guy some play.
TC: Man, you get around. I'm surprised you didn't try it with Foamfollower.
E: I did... once. But he kept shouting, "Stone and Sea!" right in the middle... Totally killed the mood.
TC: Ugh.
E: Oh, and speaking of Bannor, he's here, too. Ah, here he comes now.

(Bannor walks up and bows slightly to Covenant)

TC: Hellfire, Bannor -- you slept with my woman! (*glances over at Linden, who has a disgusted look on her face*) I mean... my daughter...
B: You are upset by this, ur-Lord?
TC: YES, I'm upset! You got all up in my business!
B: (*cocks an eyebrow*) From what I understand, you got plenty of "business" (*looks at Linden*) from your clinically depressed friend here. It did not occur to me that this would displease you.
TC: Of course it does! And what the hell is with that "eyebrow-cocking" thing you do? I don't remember any of the other Haruchai doing that all the time. Is that like a facial tick, or something?
B: (*shrugs*) You should know, however, that I have taken good care of the High Lord. You were never... equipped to handle her. Also, she is slightly unbalanced, but unlike you, I know how to deal with her peculiar dementia. (*notices that Covenant is looking at him skeptically*) Yes, Unbeliever, you heard me correctly -- my pimp hand is indeed strong.
TC: Oh yeah, you've taken good care of her alright.
B: She is pleased with our arrangement. I... more than suffice.
“...The conversations had a nightmare flatness, talking dice spilled in the tube metal chairs, human aggregates disintegrating in cosmic inanity, random events in a dying universe where everything is exactly what it appears to be and no other relation than juxtaposition is possible.”

“There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an overabundance.”

"Meantime we shall express our darker purpose."
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Relayer
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Post by Relayer »

:LOLS:
"History is a myth men have agreed upon." - Napoleon

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dlbpharmd
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Post by dlbpharmd »

But he kept shouting, "Stone and Sea!" right in the middle...
:lol:
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Tull
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Post by Tull »

Officially the greatest line in the history of great lines: "Yes, Unbeliever, you heard me correctly -- my pimp hand is indeed strong."

And maybe I can call attention to this and get more hilarity...
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NightBlaze
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Post by NightBlaze »

LOL...this is hilarious!!!
¥ NightBlaze ¥
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Bran Pendragon
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Post by Bran Pendragon »

Deeply wrong on many levels :D

Did I dream it, or did someone point out this thread to SRD in the GI, and did SRD say he'd have to check it out?
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Herem
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Post by Herem »

Coming back to this thread after a couple of years, just wanted to develop the Clerks theme from earlier:


Elohim 1: Which did you like better - The One Tree or White Gold Wielder?

Elohim 2: The One Tree.

Elohim 1: Blasphemy.

Elohim 2: One Tree had the better ending. Vain gets his hand turned into wood, Seadreamer gets killed, Covenant finds out he can't use the white gold without breaking the Arch of Time - it ends on such a down note. That's what life is, a series of down endings. All WGW had was a bunch of Cavewights.

Elohim 1: I'm not even supposed to be here today![/b]
"I desire to be understood"
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Herem
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Post by Herem »

Sunder: Linden? Chick only made you nuts man, she tried to possess you how many times?

TC: Three and a half.

Sunder: Three and a half?

TC: Three and a half. Caamora party on Starfare's Gem, I get blitzed on diamondraught and pass out in Foodfendhall. Linden comes in and jumps all over me.

Sunder: And that's cheating?

TC: In the middle of it she called me Gibbon.

Sunder: She called you Gibbon?

TC: She called me Gibbon?

Sunder: Ah, that's not cheating. People say crazy shit during possession. one time I called this girl Amith.
"I desire to be understood"
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shadowbinding shoe
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Post by shadowbinding shoe »

Resurrection time :D



Ur-Vile Loremaster: Sssnifff!
Linden: What's you sniffing Uvi? <sniffs her armpit self-consciously>
Ur-Vile Loremaster: Sniff! Chisklikakrik fuh!
Ur-Vile wedge: bluglu dluglu blu... nnrkh.
Linden: Look, it takes a lot of steps to reach Glimmermere. I like my feet the way they are. Besides, its not like a little dirt under the fingernails will hurt my patients now that I have the Staff-remote.
Linden <talking to herself>: I loooove the Land!
Ur-Vile wedge: bluglu dluglu blu... nnrkh nnrkh nnrkh.
Linden: OK, fine! I'm going to Glimmermere. Happy?


In Glimmermere

Linden: Arrgh! I just hate not being able to see myself.
Stave: With my superior lungs I can dive beneath the surface and report to you about what goes on beneath the waves.
Linden blushes: That... won't be necessary.
Stave: Would you prefer if I summoned Liand to you?
Liand: Yes, I suppose that's the best solution. Liand can ensure my, er, well-being beneath the surface.



Later in Linden's room

The Voice enters
The Voice: Chosen, the Demondim have gathered at the gates for an attack. You must intervene or Revelstone is lost.
Linden: Yawn. What? Oh yeh, sure. Just let me get my ring and staff.
...
Linden: Damn! Where are my ring and staff?
The Voice: Chosen! Time is of the essence.
Linden: I'm sorry! You handle them for now while I go look for my things.
The Voice turns about face and slams the door on his way out.
Linden: And they think they can keep their cool. LIAND!!
Liand peeks from the bathroom.
Linden: Where the heck are my Staff and Ring, Sweety?
Liand enters holding a towel around his waist and starts searching the room.
Liand: I don't know, my Chosen, we must have lost track of them in the Lake.
Linden: To the Lake!
Liand: To Glimmermere! To the Lake!
They exit and run up the stairs, Stave follows them, holding the towel Liand dropped in the excitement.


Back in Glimmermere

Linden: Well, we have the Staff but what about the Ring? I can't fight those Demondim with just my Staff.
Liand: Do you think we dropped it in the lake? White Gold Ring that harness the Wild Magic sink in water unlike Staffs of Law, you know.
Linden: Noooo! My Ring!
Stave: Chosen, the White Gold Ring would not leave your company so easily. It is attached to you.
Linden: So where is it? How can we find it?
Liand: I know, Chosen! We'll go in the Lake again. We'll become invisible but the White Gold Ring will remain visible. When I see it, I will reach for it and recover it. <Liand grins at Linden>
Linden: That's a great idea, Liand, you're great, Liand. Don't you think so, Stave?
Stave nods: The Stonedowner's plan is well thought.
Liand and Linden enter the lake.
Linden: There it is! I can't believe it was there all along...
Linden: Stop that, Liand. That tickles.
Liand: Sorry, Chosen. Here's your ring.
Linden: Time to kick some Demondim ass!


Meanwhile, on the shore nearby, Anele, possessed by Thomas Covenant, stares at the scene speechless.
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