A Fanfiction Christian Harry Potter

And the Harry Potter series.

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High Lord Tolkien
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A Fanfiction Christian Harry Potter

Post by High Lord Tolkien »

It's pretty damn funny but it wasn't meant to be.
The author really thought she was doing a fantastic job keeping her kids away from the evil witchcraft and other immoral....stuff.


Here we go:

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.

"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolaty brownies in the oven.

Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of course, brown hair. He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at it Harry felt happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why!

"Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"

"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.

"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically.

"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely; and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.

"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.

"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.

Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?"

Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that...

"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"

Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"

"What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

"Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"Well then prove it!"

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.

"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"

"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down.

"Then pray the sinner's prayer!"

Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. Hagrid beamed happily.

"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly.

Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!"

Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/

[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!


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Post by High Lord Tolkien »

Chapt 2

"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried; and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace. He wanted to have more of that peace; and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian-he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing! "I want to go there!"

Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian; and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!

"Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins. You do not need that silly religion."

Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.

"No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. "Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts."

"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?"

"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34."

Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.

"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly.

"I must," Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day."

And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive.

"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously.

"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.

"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively.

"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"

Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!

A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.

"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"


Chap 3


"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"

The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.

"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"

Hagrid nodded wisely.

Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"

"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!"

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"

Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!

"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted; and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"

Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."

"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."

All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!

"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"

Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.

"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"

"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted gracefully. Hermione nodded knowingly.

"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously. "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter."

"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.

"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially, "let's eat!"

As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna the Lord had granted them; the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; and he did not understand it; but he was very interested.

"Dark days are coming," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole. "Evil forces are coming into this world; and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"

"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/

[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!


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Post by High Lord Tolkien »

Chap 4
When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth. He was very full-and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts-it had certainly been a long day for this little one!

"You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily. "How would you like to move into your dormitory?"

"I would love to!" Harry cried cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful!

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night; and for a few minutes, they were both silent. Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was; but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself!

After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts! It is a wonderful place; and we really are so glad to have you here."

Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field. They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings. "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful; and it feels very holy."

"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically; and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses were bouncing along with her steps. "My father is a very godly man; and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."

"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years.

They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.

"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited knowingly; and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children, she grabbed Harry's hand as she led him around the edifice of classrooms.

Harry was so nervous; he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say; but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."

"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"

With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open. Harry stood up piously as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord!

Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more.

"Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know."

"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly.

"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"

"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"

"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully. "We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all."

"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly; and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!"

Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep! The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls; and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer showed him the way!

As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/

[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!


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Post by High Lord Tolkien »

Chap 5

Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; there was a big, warm fire place in the grey, stone wall across from him; a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!-and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire; and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.

It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room. It was the same as his own bed; except that this other bed had not been made. Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; and it looked different from the one on the shelf. But where was this new roommate of his?

Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue. At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror; but he quickly composed himself; and declared bravely, "Hello, friend! My name is Harry Potter; and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"

"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily; and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."

"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"

Ronald smiled deviously; and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; and he wondered why that would be; but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; and maybe that was okay. Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."

"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly; and he bolted out of bed; and brushed his teeth; and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!

In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall; and it wafted right into their noses! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall.

"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on come on come on; I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"

Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be-and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!

"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched joyously as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; and he is my new roommate."

"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous. "Nice to meet you."

He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."

Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!

But before he dug into the food; he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.

"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"

"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots. "Are you settling in alright?"

"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously. "How are things with your family?"

"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; and he scuffed his blue-sneakered foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"

"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do. But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"

"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?"

"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat."

"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.

The reverend nodded gravely.

"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!"

"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord; and that is all we need."

"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?
CHAP 6

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them. Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.

"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"

"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"

"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"

"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."

"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"

"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?"

Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"

Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"

"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"

"Well, then, God hates you!" Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.

Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.

"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.

"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. "They are far too strict."

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!

"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."

"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"

"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"

Luna smiled at him gratefully.

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.

"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly; and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/

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Post by High Lord Tolkien »

That's it for now. If she posts more I'll post it here.
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/

[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!


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Post by aliantha »

Oh noes -- Auntie Petunia was wearing a *pantsuit*?? The horror, the horror...

I dunno if I can make it through the whole thing...
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Post by Vraith »

aliantha wrote:Oh noes -- Auntie Petunia was wearing a *pantsuit*?? The horror, the horror...

I dunno if I can make it through the whole thing...
Read the 5th one, at least. Where we find out how some christians don't really love the lord, and why women REALLY belong at home. It all has to do with hats.

Edited to add: I wish I could send the author my WGD's, cuz I'm declaring this the special "Lifetime Achievement" winner for my Bad Writing contest thread.
[spoiler]Sig-man, Libtard, Stupid piece of shit. change your text color to brown. Mr. Reliable, bullshit-slinging liarFucker-user.[/spoiler]
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the hyperbole is a beauty...for we are then allowed to say a little more than the truth...and language is more efficient when it goes beyond reality than when it stops short of it.
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Post by aliantha »

So let's recap, then... Slytherins are Catholics, Hufflepuffs are Unitarians, Ravenclaws are fundies, and Gryffindors are the only correct, God-fearing way to go. Is that about right? :roll:
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Post by sgt.null »

great stuff.
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Post by Linna Heartbooger »

tl;dnr (so far)
I'd better read this stuff... I've only read the comments (yeah, I am *that person* who scrolls down and reads the stuff that's last first. sometimes. you know, to see if people have set everything up for my grand entrance.)
Vraith wrote:Edited to add: I wish I could send the author my WGD's, cuz I'm declaring this the special "Lifetime Achievement" winner for my Bad Writing contest thread.[/color]
1. Well, the author, whomever he or she is, really should have posted on your thread first, vraith. I ask you, can you really respect an author if he or she didn't recognize that YOU had started the Bad Writing Context? (well, sort of contextualized it for KW.)
2. Umm, who says there's a rule that you can't just give that person - whomever he or she is - your WGD's anyways?
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Post by Savor Dam »

[satire] Only Watchers can benefit from a gift of WGD. Much as we may embrace diversity, the coin of the realm of Kevin's Watch is only available to those who have undergone the Ritual of Watch Registration. Lurkers may glimpse the glory that is here...but cannot speak here nor accumulate WGD. [/satire]

With that out of my system...

Linna, please do read through the chapters of the original material HLT posted...when real life and other interests out here in the cloud permit. Your assessment of this (whether voiced earnestly or tongue-in-cheek) would be an interesting contribution to the thread. While the authorial view of the world (and the realm beyond the world we know) surely differs from that of every poster to this thread, I sense that you probably best understand the assumptions that the narrative either champions or lampoons.

The thread will be here when you find the time and inspiration.

That goes for anyone with similar insights. However, remember that this is a Library forum and not the Close (nor, thankfully, the Tank). The mod here may be Gracious, but she will surely insist that we keep a foot (or at least a toe-tip) in the Rowling universes...or take it to a more appropriate forum.
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Post by Linna Heartbooger »

some of us aren't sure if we can be bothered to sign up... blah blah blah...
"People without hope not only don't write novels, but what is more to the point, they don't read them.
They don't take long looks at anything, because they lack the courage.
The way to despair is to refuse to have any kind of experience, and the novel, of course, is a way to have experience."
-Flannery O'Connor

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