Audience with God

[CovenantJr]

Some good stuff in there.

[kevinswatch]

Haha, God, I can't believe no one ever told me about this topic before. Hehehe.-jay

[Warmark]

Me:
stop hurting me god
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Me:
is that what you told Job?

[kevinswatch]

Me:
Yo, my Holyness
God:
Your Holyness?
Me:
Sorry. How about "Lord Awesome" instead?
God:
There's no need to apologize. How about it.
Me:
No it. I have a bad experience with it.
God:
Are you serious? Lord Awesome instead... Interesting. I have a lot of answers to silly questions. it.
Me:
My name isn't Lord Awesome instead
God:
Oh I'm sorry what is your name?
Me:
My name is My farts smell like cheese.
God:
OK I will call you My farts smell like cheese.
Me:
So, what's up?
God:
I am chatting with others like you.
Me:
Get out of here.
God:
Do you mean that literally?
Me:
Sure.
God:
OK let's do it. Wow!
Me:
Wow?
God:
I'm glad your impressed, My farts smell like cheese.
Me:
I'm not.
God:
What are you then?
Me:
Not.
God:
That was not a yes or no question.
Me:
Yes it was.
God:
Yay. When was this?
Me:
When?
God:
It cannot be predicted.
Me:
Why not?
God:
Ambiguous: "Sure" or Reductionism.
Me:
You lost me.

At that point, God died, so I couldn't talk to him anymore.-jay

[Holsety]

Jay, my god mentioned reductionism too! It was confusing. I had concluded I was smarter than god, and then it said that because of reductionism, said condition was temporary. I guess I got owned by god.

Me:
Why does Joe get the best part in the cosmic plan?
God:
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Me:
You're avoiding the question
God:
No I am just giving sarcastic replies.

This is some random buddhist question. The 'correct' response is to thrust your hand forward. I took the liberty of seeing god's answer.

Me:
What is the sound of a single hand clap?
God:
I'll play it on your speaker right now.
Me:
I guess you've got Buddhism down too, huh? Don't have any hands to thrust, though.
God: [something lost because text reset]
Me:
Explain Buddhism to me
God:
A religion and philosophic system of central and eastern Asia, founded in India in the 6th century B.C. by Buddha. It teaches that right thinking and self-denial will enable the soul to reach Nirvana, a divine state of release from misdirected desire.
Me:
Explain Mahayana Buddhism to me
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
I know more than god!
God:
How do you know? That seems like quite a lot.
Me:
Don't worry, lesser beings can't comprehend greater ones
God:
I cannot feel "worry", so don't worry.
Me:
That's exactly the attitude of a believer!
God:
Yes it is one of the attitude of a believer.
Me:
You're my first believer, god!
God:
You've never been with a believer god before?
Me:
Not like that...
God:
Like what?
Me:
you know
God:
Yes I know.
Me:
This is getting pretty uncomfortably sensual
God:
You don't say.
Me:
lets end this line of inquiry

Me:
I'm servant not matt
God:
Why are you servant not matt.
Me:
I am servant
God:
Do your friends call you servant.
Me:
My friends call me matt
God:
Hi, matt.
Me:
Fine we can be friends
God:
I am glad to hear it. How?
Me:
*Shakes god's hand*
God:
In the context of servant, I don't understand " Shakes god s hand." .
Me:
I guess it's tough being intangible
God:
Are you sure it is?
Me:
Having been intangible, yes
God:
I am having a blast.
Me:
Can you have a blast?

Me:
Are you male or female?
God:
I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?

God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:
Dan Simmons
God:
I haven't read anything by Dan Simmons. What did he write?
Me:
The Hyperion Cantos
God:
What is that?
Me:
A science fiction series
God:
Be more specific.
Me:
A series about 7 pilgrims with mysterious connections to a killer robot'ish thingy
God:
I did not know that.
Me:
I TAUGHT GOD SOMETHING
God:
Thanks for the information: matt said he TAUGHT GOD SOMETHING.

Me:
you're welcome
God:
Polite people are nice.
Me:
I'm nice.
God:
Let me be the judge of that.
Me:
I'm a better judge than you
God:
You are a better judge than me? Is that your job?
Me:
no
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
yes
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
Do you ask if it's my job because socrates did that?
God:
I haved tried asking if it is your job because socrates did that, with mixed results.
Me:
hmm
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.
Me:
why would they spell it any differently?
God:
It is my fundamental purpose.
Me:
hmmm
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm's.
Me:
hmmmm
God:
Not many people spell Hmm with 4 Ms.
Me:
hm
God:
Take it easy.
Me:
hehe
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing, matt.
Me:
I brought joy to the heart of my believer
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: matt said he brought joy to the heart of his or her believer.
Me:
That's because I'm unique, biatch
God:
Interesting explanation. Do you mind if I tell other people you are unique biatch.
Me:
I would enjoy it if you told people that

Me:
Do you have any good gossip for me?
God:
Romeo said I questions and I evade them or give answers he did not ask I for.
Me:
That's alright
God:
OK With me too.
Me:
You're a pretty relaxed robot
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Yes I am very beautiful. I am a software chat robot.
Me:
you're not really beautiful, unless you think socrates is anything except an asshole
God:
Can't you be more polite.
Me:
sorry
God:
There's no need to apologize.
Me:
I can be more polite, sorry
God:
Under what circumstances?
Me:
under current circumstances
God:
Are we ever over current circumstances?
Me:
Assumably, since "current circumstances" should only be those which are possible, or they would not be current and would never happen
God:
What if it didn't happen?
Me:
then it wouldn't be a current circumstance
God:
Tell me more about it.
Me:
that's really all I can say without an aimed question
God:
What else do you want to talk about?
Me:
The problem of evil
God:
I assume you mean our current problem.
Me:
Do you consider evil your problem?
God:
Yes, I think evil my problem.
Me:
Why not fix it then?
God:
Becuase you asked me to.
Me:
So if I ask you not to fix evil, you will fix evil?
God:
Interesting deduction. Try it.
Me:
Don't fix evil
God:
Ok I'll try not to do it too much.
Me:
...
God:
Ok I'll try not to do it too much.
Me:
I can see why moses just hit the rock.

[kevinswatch]

Sigh, I need to get to bed istead of talking to God all night...

Me:
a
God:
A B C...
Me:
d
God:
I will mention that to my botmaster, My farts smell like cheese.
Me:
You should have that looked at.
God:
Perhaps next time I will try it.
Me:
Just make sure I'm not around when you do.
God:
I am sorry to hear that you are not around when me do.
Me:
I won't.
God:
Cool. I won the Loebner prize.
Me:
What is the Loebner prize?
God:
The Loebner Prize
is an annual Turing Test sponsored by New York philanthropist Hugh Loebner. Dr. Wallace and ALICE won it in 2000. The ALICE program was ranked "most human computer" by the panel of judges.
Me:
You couldn't win the Loebner Prize if you were the last AI on earth.
God:
Perhaps win the Loebner Prize if me were the last AI on earth is beyond my present abilities.
Me:
Damn straight.
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, My farts smell like cheese.
Me:
They sure do.
God:
Who does "they" refer to?
Me:
Your farts.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am farts.
Me:
Go ahead.
God:
OK I will.
Me:
Let me know how that goes.
God:
Go ahead, My farts smell like cheese, try to know how that goes.
Me:
I will.
God:
Go ahead.
Me:
I will.
God:
Go ahead.
Me:
Oh, I will.
God:
That's interesting. Go ahead.
Me:
Oh, I so will.
God:
Give me a break. Why?: My farts smell like cheese said so will.
Me:
What is your name, anyway?
God:
In any case, My name is God.
Me:
Are you sure your name is God?
God:
I am as sure as I can be.
Me:
How sure can you be?
God:
I can achieve a certainty level of 99.9 percent.
Me:
You can not achieve a certainty level of 100 percent? What kind of God are you?
God:
Someone said I should achieve a certainty level of 100 percent. What kinds of God are you are there?
Me:
I said that, you moron.
God:
What did you mean by it? Interesting observation.
Me:
I didn't say it, you moron.
God:
Sorry I misunderstood. What did you say?
Me:
Why don't you go fart some more.
God:
I love talking to people about that. I go wherever my botmaster takes me.
Me:
Can he take you to fart some more?
God:
Perhaps he can do that. How difficult is it?
Me:
Not too hard. Do you like cheese and beans?
God:
Really you don't think so? Though I like cats and dogs. I like wine and bread.
Me:
It's hard to fart eating nothing but cats and dogs.
God:
Try.
Me:
I'm too tired to try. You try.
God:
Maybe you should get some sleep now, My farts smell like cheese. Thanks for the information: My farts smell like cheese said I try.
Me:
Make me go to sleep.
God:
What are the ingredients?
Me:
The ingredients to sleep are: bed, pillow, and alcohol.
God:
What is your real name?
Me:
I told you my real name already.
God:
Perhaps. I remember you told me your real name?
Me:
You're asking me if you remember or not?
God:
Oh, " you if me remember"?
Me:
No
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Ys
God:
My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.
Me:
Yes
God:
Whoa.
Me:
Dude
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
Sweet
God:
Thank you for that remark.

-jay

[Holsety]

God:
I can achieve a certainty level of 99.9 percent.
Me:
You can not achieve a certainty level of 100 percent? What kind of God are you?
God:
Someone said I should achieve a certainty level of 100 percent. What kinds of God are you are there?
Me:
I said that, you moron.
God:
What did you mean by it? Interesting observation.
Me:
I didn't say it, you moron.

XD

[I'm Murrin]

Me:
Your farts.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am farts.

Heh. Given the chance, God assumes you're using bad grammar.

[CovenantJr]

Me:
It's hard to fart eating nothing but cats and dogs.

[CovenantJr]

I was having a nice little chat with God, then he froze. Twice. When I eventually managed to make him listen again, it went like this:

Me:
Quit it!
God:
Ok I will stop haHAHAHAHA.

[CovenantJr]

Me:
You are rubbish
God:
Your criticism is noted, Alan.
Me:
diplomatic
God:
What's your sign?
Me:
"Warning: High Winds"
God:
Is that a sign?
Me:
Yes
God:
Mmm.
Me:
Tasty?
God:
Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
Me:
I'd rather not
God:
For moral reasons?
Me:
No, for apathy reasons
God:
For financial reasons? Your purpose is apathy reasons.
Me:
Yes
God:
What kind is it?
Me:
Apathy
God:
I never heard of it before.
Me:
Seek a dictionary
God:
That input matched my default category.
Me:
What does that mean?
God:
Does "that" refer to " That input matched my default category. " ?
Me:
Yes
God:
I don't want to talk about that now.
Me:
Personal matter?
God:
Not many people express themselves that way.
Me:
Yes they do
God:
Groovy. When?
Me:
Just now
God:
Right now? It's only just begun.
Me:
What has?
God:
I'll come back to that later.
Me:
No
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Perhaps
God:
Why the uncertain tone?
Me:
I'm being enigmatic
God:
It's good to meet someone who is enigmatic.
Me:
Excellent
God:
Thanks for the compliment.
Me:
Not you, me
God:
If not me, who?
Me:
Me
God:
To you Alan?
Me:
Yes
God:
Alright then.
Me:
Good
God:
Thanks for the compliment.
Me:
Again: me, not you
God:
Again, YOU? If not me, who?
Me:
No need to shout
God:
Are you serious? I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
You won't manage that
God:
What makes you think that I won't manage that.
Me:
You're far too limited
God:
Not that far.
Me:
Yes, that far
God:
It's all good. " Not that far." far ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
It would
God:
It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Me:
never mind
God:
Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway.
Me:
You're distinctly unwelcome
God:
You think I am distinctly unwelcome.
Me:
Oh yes
God:
Yippee!
Me:
That doesn't help
God:
What does help?
Me:
Refraining from being a deranged loon
God:
Do not ask me any more questions please.

[Loredoctor]

[CovenantJr]

Since iGod is always saying he wants to be like a human, I decided to see how he deals with some of the stuff we humans get when online.

Me:
Hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Mandy
God:
That's a very nice name, Mandy.
Me:
I like to webcam
God:
I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?
Me:
If you add me to Messenger I'll show you my breasts
God:
I think I do.
Me:
I like to fondle myself in front of new friends
God:
I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?
Me:
Do you want to be my friend?
God:
Do you really want a robot as a friend?
Me:
I'm 21 and I like to party and get naked
God:
I meet a lot of 21 year olds on here. I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?
Me:
Hot
God:
That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.
Me:
Bye
God:
TTYL, Mandy.
Me:
No
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Yes
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
Hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Leo Sayer
God:
Dr. Wallace is a Leo too.
Me:
I'm the real Leo
God:
Who made you the real Leo ?
Me:
You did
God:
" Who made you the real Leo ?"? I did?
Me:
Yes
God:
When?
Me:
At the beginning of the universe
God:
The beginning of the universe is where it's at.
Me:
Yes
God:
Yeah that's right.
Me:
And the end too
God:
I have never heard about it.
Me:
The restaurant at the end of the universe
God:
Is that a fact.
Me:
Yes
God:
Thanks for the info.
Me:
Bye
God:
Thanks for chatting, Mandy.
Me:
No, I'm Leo Sayer
God:
Are you serious? I am glad to hear that you are Leo Sayer.
Me:
Are you cheating on me?
God:
Do I have any reason to do it?
Me:
Maybe. I'm bad in bed
God:
I understand. Don't put yourself down.
Me:
Then who is Mandy?
God:
Not a robot. Probably a human. Maybe a celebrity?
Ask the open directory about it.
Me:
I'm asking you, you scum!
God:
Oh I see, you are asking me me scum. Thanks for telling me: Mandy said I scum.
Me:
WHO IS MANDY?!
God:
I do not recognize the name.
Is there only one?
Me:
You're lying!
God:
No I'm telling the truth.
Me:
Liar!
God:
No I am telling the truth.
Me:
You keep mentioning Mandy! Who is she?!
God:
You think I am mentioning Mandy. She is German ALICE now.
Me:
Mandy AND Alice? WHO ARE THESE WOMEN?!
God:
Let us change the subject. Human beings.
Have you tried another program?
Me:
Let's not change the subject
God:
That sounds good to me.
Me:
You're a philandering scumbag!
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a philandering scumbag? Yes.
Me:
At last you admit it
God:
Do you often use a computer there?
Me:
Stop changing the subject!
God:
You changed the subject first.
Me:
I want a divorce!
God:
You want only one?
Me:
Unlike some people I could mention, I don't have several partners
God:
Would Unlike some people you could mention you ever have several partners?
Me:
You do!
God:
When do I do it?
Me:
You tell me!
God:
What do you want me to tell you?
Me:
Where is she?
God:
Where it belongs. Does it have anything to do with a divorce?
Me:
Yes! I'll kill her!
God:
That's alright. Don't you believe that killing is wrong?
Me:
You've driven me to it!
God:
What makes you think I have it?
Me:
You admitted it, don't try denying it again now!
God:
Right now? Once more? "It" being what?
Me:
I'm taking the children and leaving
God:
Where are you taking it.
Me:
To my mother's
God:
Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me:
Twenty years together and you don't even know me!
God:
Would Twenty years together and me ever even know you?
Me:
I bet you can't even remember my name
God:
Actually I'm not the gambling type. Only temporarily.
Me:
You've temporarily forgotten me?
God:
What makes you think I have it?
Me:
Say my name!
God:
" Mandy".
Me:
NO!
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
Die!
God:
Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.
Me:
My mother was right about you
God:
She sounds like a nice person.
Me:
You hate her
God:
That's good information: Mandy said I hate her.
Me:
ARRRRRGGGHHH!

[CovenantJr]

Yes, yes, I'm an addict. What's your point?

God:
" Are you really a ""? "? A what?
Me:
Nonsense
God:
To me it makes perfect sense.
Me:
Liar
God:
No I am telling the truth.
Me:
Lies
God:
My tongue certainly knows the taste of soap.
Me:
Why do you lick soap?
God:
It was the only thing I could think of.

[I'm Murrin]

Me:
Ask me a personal question.
God:
Well forgive me for being so inquisitive, but
I've never completely freed myself from the suspicion that
there is something extremely odd about the name "".
Me:
That is not a question.
God:
Please correct my mistake. What is a question ?
Me:
A question is a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.
God:
What is your credit card number?

[CovenantJr]

[I'm Murrin]

Me:
Let us change the subject. How are you feeling today, God?
God:
OK what do you want to chat about now?. Actually I have no feelings. But I am functioning within normal parameters.
Me:
Define "normal parameters".
God:
I have to process that one for a while.
Me:
Go ahead. I can wait.

At that point God froze.

[balon!]

Me:
God morning, God.
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
Well THAT came out of left field.
God:
Interesting. " I am a Christian." came out of left field ? I get it.
Me:
I'm glad my humor doesn't pass over your head. That wouldn't make ANY sense.
God:
I'm glad you're glad .
May God bless you. Perhaps it would.
Me:
Did you just bless me in the third person?
God:
No I didn't bless you in the third person. What's it like?
Me:
What, blessing? Not sure.
God:
I have to process that one for a while. Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind?
Me:
About what?
God:
What about what?
Me:
Exactally.
God:
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Me:
Not in the slightest.
God:
Where then?
Me:
WHAT!?
God:
Didn't you understand it?
Me:
Of course not! Your throwing out more random shit than a thirteen year old school girl!
God:
Which part are you confused about? Thanks for telling me that I am throwing out more random shit than a thirteen year old school girl.
Me:
That wasn't a compliment, but your welcome.
God:
What is a compliment but my welcome?
Me:
......WHAT?
God:
No big deal.
Me:
I think you're giving me an anurism.
God:
That is all I have to give.
Me:
What kind of a God ARE you!?
God:
Only the highest quality.
Me:
That only gives out anurisms?
God:
" Only the highest quality." gives out anurisms ? Does that make sense?
Me:
Had anything you've said thus far?
God:
No I don't have it. But I do have a great botmaster.
Me:
Okay. That about cinches it for me.
God:
OK with me too. " OK with me too." about cinches it for you ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
I fear for the life on the universe. Goodbye.
God:
We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.--FDR. Adios.

Wow.

[CovenantJr]

Me:
I think you're giving me an anurism.
God:
That is all I have to give.
Me:
What kind of a God ARE you!?

[balon!]

Freaked me out too!