Joke of the Day

[Orlion]

I don't know why, but today's Dilbert cracked me up...

I don't know either

[danlo]

(I'm easily amused )

[aliantha]

It cracked me up, too, danlo.

[Vader]

img407.imageshack.us/img407/5299/glhighness.jpg

[JazFusion]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help
but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland
might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I! Sure and begorra. And what
street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on
McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I!
So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I went to St. Mary's, of
course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in
1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in
the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from
St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and
orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shakes his head,
and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[danlo]

Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

[Cheval]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[JazFusion]

Home Depot Scam Alert!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are putting your purchases into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy shirts. If you're a normal guy, it is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they decline and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also April 1st and 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th and 30th, several times in May, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

PS: Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99, or $2.49 by the dozen.

[Cheval]

It's happened to you too???
I thought I was the only victim!

[dANdeLION]

Have you taken a good look at Jaz? She's probably one of the perpetrators!

[Harbinger]

[danlo]

Golfing with Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[Vader]

[StevieG]

A Groom's Tale


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[Orlion]

[StevieG]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says to the Bartender "five beers please".

[peter]

My wife suffers with PMT and ESP. She's a bitch that knows everything. She went for a mud pack. She looked good for two days and then the mud fell off. She said I want to go somewhere I've never been on holiday this year. I said try the kitchen. She ran off with the neighbour and I did miss him. We had eleven happy years of marriage and then she came back again.

[StevieG]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Soarback Grayhare]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Who's there?

[StevieG]

This one is dedicated to Savor Dam:

A pun, an anecdote, and a play on words walk into a bar. No joke.