I thought we had one of these, but I couldn't find it.
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says , 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Tuesday at Noon. Closed coffin.
Joke of the Day
Moderators: Orlion, balon!, aliantha
Joke of the Day
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
A man was walking along a California beach deep in prayer, all of a sudden he said out loud...Lord grant me one wish!
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said: "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
The Lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous engineering challenges for that type of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think about another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time, finally he said I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ..."nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.
The Lord replied:
"You want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said: "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
The Lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous engineering challenges for that type of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think about another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time, finally he said I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ..."nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.
The Lord replied:
"You want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge?"
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
-
Fist and Faith
- Magister Vitae
- Posts: 23561
- Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2002 8:14 pm
- Has thanked: 6 times
- Been thanked: 32 times
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how Scottish practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. They both have balls but but they're just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
__________________
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how Scottish practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. They both have balls but but they're just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
__________________
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
The teacher asks, "Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it? "
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table.
And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darlin', may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it? "
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table.
And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darlin', may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
Little Johnny came down for breakfast in his family's farmhouse. His mother said, "Now Johnny, you know you have to feed the animals before you get fed. Out to the barn!"
So out to the barn Johnny went, but he sure wasn't happy about it.
He fed the chickens, and on his way out of the coop, he kicked one in his frustration.
He fed the cows, and on his way out of the stalls, he kicked one.
He fed the pigs, and on his way out of the sty, he kicked one.
On returning to the kitchen for breakfast, his mother said, "Now Johnny, I saw what you did out there."
"You kicked a chicken, so for a month you'll get no chicken or eggs."
"You kicked a cow, so for a month you'll get no milk or beef."
"You kicked a pig, so for a month you'll get no bacon or pork."
Just then, Johnny's father was coming down the stairs for his own breakfast. He stumbled over the family cat, and in his frustration, he kicked it.
Johnny looked at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or should I?"
So out to the barn Johnny went, but he sure wasn't happy about it.
He fed the chickens, and on his way out of the coop, he kicked one in his frustration.
He fed the cows, and on his way out of the stalls, he kicked one.
He fed the pigs, and on his way out of the sty, he kicked one.
On returning to the kitchen for breakfast, his mother said, "Now Johnny, I saw what you did out there."
"You kicked a chicken, so for a month you'll get no chicken or eggs."
"You kicked a cow, so for a month you'll get no milk or beef."
"You kicked a pig, so for a month you'll get no bacon or pork."
Just then, Johnny's father was coming down the stairs for his own breakfast. He stumbled over the family cat, and in his frustration, he kicked it.
Johnny looked at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or should I?"
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to go with the latter.
Well, Frank vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Several months later, still outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find another giant bear standing there.
The bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to go with the latter.
Well, Frank vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Several months later, still outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find another giant bear standing there.
The bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what each of them did with the money.
- The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done, new make up, bought several new outfits, and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
The man was impressed.
-The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
-The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
- The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done, new make up, bought several new outfits, and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
The man was impressed.
-The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
-The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
-
aliantha
- blueberries on steroids
- Posts: 17865
- Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:50 pm
- Location: NOT opening up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Cail wrote:A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what each of them did with the money.
- The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, got her hair done, new make up, bought several new outfits, and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
The man was impressed.
-The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
-The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Of course he did!
EZ Board Survivor
"Dreaming isn't good for you unless you do the things it tells you to." -- Three Dog Night (via the GI)
https://www.hearth-myth.com/
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start Anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start Anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
-
aTOMiC
- Lord
- Posts: 24594
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 6:48 am
- Location: Tampa, Florida
- Has thanked: 8 times
- Been thanked: 7 times
- Contact:
Wow. It's way too early in the morning to read this stuff. My boss used to trap the entire staff in a monthly meeting and spend the first half hour reading off jokes like those. We politely chuckled but were groaning inwardly. I have that same feeling coming on. 
"If you can't tell the difference, what difference does it make?"
"There is tic and toc in atomic" - Neil Peart
wacka, wacka, wacka.......
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
-
Mortice Root
- Bloodguard
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:05 am
- Location: Wisconsin
Simply. Awesome.18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
"The plural of antecdotes is not evidence."
-------------
Driving down the razor's edge between the past and the future
Turn up the music and smile
Get carried away on the songs and stories of vanished times
-------------
Driving down the razor's edge between the past and the future
Turn up the music and smile
Get carried away on the songs and stories of vanished times
-
High Lord Tolkien
- Excommunicated Member of THOOLAH
- Posts: 7383
- Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 2:40 am
- Location: Cape Cod, Mass
- Been thanked: 3 times
- Contact:
Nice!
I can't believe this but except for #6 I've never heard any of those.
I can't believe this but except for #6 I've never heard any of those.
https://thoolah.blogspot.com/
[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!
[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
Joker: I swear by all that's funny never to be taken in by that unconstitutional device again!
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at an empty crap table. A very attractive blonde from South Alabama arrived and wanted to bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, started shaking the dice then rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
The moral of the story....Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, started shaking the dice then rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on Baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
The moral of the story....Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - PJ O'Rourke
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
_____________
"Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." - Charles Stewart
_____________
"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations." - James Madison
_____________
-
lurch
- The Gap Into Spam
- Posts: 2694
- Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:46 pm
- Location: Dahm dahm, dahm do dahm obby do
That one, Cail, reminds me of the olde one about two golfers approaching the 7th hole one fine morning. The one said, I think its time for a cigar, and proceeded to extract a double corona from his golf bag. He looked around and said, It appears I have misplaced my lighter. Friend, by any chance , do you have a lighter? The other golfer replied, Why yes, I do! He went to his golf bag and pulled out a foot long Bic. The other golfer exclaimed, " Holy cow! where did you get that? The golfer replied, My Genie!, My Genie got it for me. Your Genie??, the golfer questioned. The other golfer said, Yes, I have him rite here in my bag. With that said the golfer pulled a brass lamp out of his bag , rubbed it a few times and sure enough, Poof! a Genie appeared. So, the doubting golfer went over to the Genie and said, Uuum, I am a dear friend of your master . Do you suppose you could grant me one wish? The Genie said, Yes, I can do that. The old golfer thought for a second and requested, Genie, I wish for a million bucks! The Genie said, Your wish is my command! A second later the sky was darkened with hundreds and thousands flying ducks. The golfer yelled, No No I said Bucks not Ducks!! The other golfer said, Oh! I forgot to tell you, the Genie is a bit hard of hearing. Did you really think I wanted a 12 inch Bic?
If she withdrew from exaltation, she would be forced to think- And every thought led to fear and contradictions; to dilemmas for which she was unprepared.
pg4 TLD
pg4 TLD