Joke of the Day

[Cail]

The blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did." said the blonde, "But we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World!"

[dANdeLION]

That one, Cail, reminds me of the olde one about two golfers approaching the 7th hole one fine morning. The one said, I think its time for a cigar, and proceeded to extract a double corona from his golf bag. He looked around and said, It appears I have misplaced my lighter. Friend, by any chance , do you have a lighter? The other golfer replied, Why yes, I do! He went to his golf bag and pulled out a foot long Bic. The other golfer exclaimed, " Holy cow! where did you get that? The golfer replied, My Genie!, My Genie got it for me. Your Genie??, the golfer questioned. The other golfer said, Yes, I have him rite here in my bag. With that said the golfer pulled a brass lamp out of his bag , rubbed it a few times and sure enough, Poof! a Genie appeared. So, the doubting golfer went over to the Genie and said, Uuum, I am a dear friend of your master . Do you suppose you could grant me one wish? The Genie said, Yes, I can do that. The old golfer thought for a second and requested, Genie, I wish for a million bucks! The Genie said, Your wish is my command! A second later the sky was darkened with hundreds and thousands flying ducks. The golfer yelled, No No I said Bucks not Ducks!! The other golfer said, Oh! I forgot to tell you, the Genie is a bit hard of hearing. Did you really think I wanted a 12 inch Bic?

I prefer the version I've been telling for the last 15-20 years. It takes place in a bar, and involves a 12 inch tall pianist.....

[Cail]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.




It probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Cail]

Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type" the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that S.O.B would've tried that crap with me.'"

[Cail]

Y'all know that eventually I'm gonna run out of material. Feel free to join in.

[Cail]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

[aliantha]

Y'all know that eventually I'm gonna run out of material. Feel free to join in.

What for? You're doing a fine job.

[Cail]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[Cail]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[Cheval]

After 25 years of being married, a man looked at his wife and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a crappy car,
a 10 inch black & white television set, slept on an old sofa.
But I got to go to bed with a hot-looking 25 year old blonde.

Now we have a big house, a fancy car, a 52 inch plasma t.v., and a huge bed.
But I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
I feel that you're not holding up your side of things."

The wife, being a reasonable person, replied,
"Go ahead and find yourself a hot-looking 25 year old blonde.
And I will make sure that once again you will be living in a cheap apartment,
drive a crappy car, watch a 10 inch black & white television set, and sleep on an old sofa."

[stonemaybe]

seeing as tonight it seems to be snowing over most of europe.....

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?



















frostbite

[Cail]

Yaay, new blood!

[stonemaybe]

Yaay, new blood!

Um



I don't get it....

[Cail]

Someone else adding jokes.

It's a good thing.

[Harbinger]

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.
"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."

So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"

[lurch]

A graduate student in psychology was writing a paper on memory loss. He went to a old folks home to do his research. He found 3 old farts in the lounge room and introduced himself then asked the 1st old gentleman, " what is 3 x 3?"
The olde fart answered, " Empire State Building!" The grad student then asked the 2nd codger, " What is 3x 3?" He answered, " 4 O'clock!" Exasperated, the grad student asked the 3rd old fart, " What is 3 x 3?" The oldster answered, " 9!" " Great! exclaimed the student, " How did you know that?" he asked. The old fart answered, " Easy!, I subtracted 4 o'clock from the Empire State Building ,,and got 9 !"

[aliantha]

Time for a religious joke...

Jesus and St. Peter were playing golf together. Jesus eyed the distance between the tee and the next hole and said, "Tiger Woods could make a hole-in-one from here. I can do it, too." St. Peter said, "Not a chance. You'll hook it in to the water hazard like always." So Jesus hits the ball and sure enough, he hooks it into the water hazard. Grumbling, he walks out onto the water hazard to retrieve his ball.

At this point, another golfer comes up. He sees Jesus out on the pond and exclaims, "Who does that guy think he is -- Jesus Christ?"

"No," St. Peter replies, "He *is* Jesus Christ. He *thinks* he's Tiger Woods."

[dlbpharmd]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is
asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00
in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he
answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is
pouring rain out there!'

Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Cheval]

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to avoid a tree, only to realize that it was just the air freshener that is hanging from your rear-view mirror!

[Sorus]

Is there another word for synonym?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?