Joke of the Day

[Cail]

The Top 18 Amish Horror Movies


18> Barnraiser

17> I Know What You Did With the Summer Sausage

16> Mennonite's Mare by an Elm Tree

15> Natural Barn Killers

14> Rosemary's Buggy

13> It Came from The Sharper Image

12> The Devil Wore Plaid

11> The Hand That Churns the Butter

10> Look Out! The Pictures Move!!

9> Riding in Cars with Anyone

8> The Day the Outsiders Found the Generator

7> The Shunning

6> The Bare Wrist Project (Oops! That's an Amish *porn* movie.)

5> The Pennsylvania Handsaw Massacre

4> Planet of the Drapes

3> Holler "M" for Murder

2> Night of the Leavened Bread

1> Invasion of the Bonnet Snatchers

[dANdeLION]

Cail, aren't you worried about offending the Amish? I mean, what if an Amish guy comes online and.....oh, nevermind.

[Cail]

Heh, just nobody tell them, OK?

[dANdeLION]

Don't worry; once I found out they don't run around topless like that hottie in the Harrison Ford flick did, I quit contacting them altogether.

[AjK]

[JazFusion]

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 17 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet
still not free or open

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very
hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or
Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war
but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She
lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very
wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or
Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no
future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.

~~~

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany. A strange
landscape, but filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno
movies.

[JazFusion]

Apparently, the only jokes I have are sexist and riddled with innuendo. Man I love this thread. Here's a twofur:

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't", said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your Mommy before he goes to work."

Suddenly a little girl in the back yelled, "Spit it out, it's a piece of ass!"

_____________________________

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he
was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so
angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied
the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants
down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work.
Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

[stonemaybe]

Cheval wrote:

What is the "speed-limit" for sex?

sixty-eight... after that, you have to stop and turn around.

That is NOT the right answer to that joke!

Anyway, lowering the tone some more....

What's the difference between hard and light?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

[Cail]

10 Things to Offend Everyone

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Hickey's are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.


10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whopping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.


10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

[JazFusion]

Nobody else is going to jump in? C'mon!

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the
day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He
thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an
alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled
his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled
underneath as if examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to
masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his
eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because
your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[JazFusion]

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are Cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

[AjK]

Nobody else is going to jump in? C'mon!

Jaz, I am 47 years old and I swear to high heaven that I only know two jokes. Given their slightly off-color nature and common theme I am not sure I should post them. But you are doing an awesome job! I have been forwarding them home to my wife.

[JazFusion]

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was
tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally
dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if
she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.

He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing
out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human
sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood
frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth
open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.
His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied...

"Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

[Wyldewode]

I overheard this one yesterday while I was shopping in a local superstore.


Q. Why did the snowman run out into the road?
A. He heard that a snowblower was coming.

[JazFusion]

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[drew]

The day before a certain middle aged man's anual physical check up, his doctor called him and told him to bring in a urine sample.
At the appointment, the doctor took the sample and left the room.
Upon returning five minutes later, the man asked the doctor, "What about my Physical?"
The doctor replied, "I have a new urine annalysis machine that is 100 % accurate; The only thing that's the matter with you, is that you have tennis elbow."
"Tennis elbow? I don't even play tennis."
"Well, that's what the machine says, and it's never wrong."
"Well it's wrong today I tell you, I don't play tennis."
"Listen, come back next week with another sample, and I'll run it through the machine again, free of charge."

Frustrated, the man intended to prove that the doctor and his new machine were no good.
The day before his next appointment, he decided to give that machine a run for it's money. First he got his wife to pee in a jar, then his son, and his daughter. He, of course peed in the same jar...and just before he drove to the doctor's, he put a few drops of oil from his car's engine in the same jar.
The doctor was surprised about how much urine he was given, but he said nothing and ran it through the machine anyways.
Five minutes later he returned with a large print-out. The man was grinning when he asked the doctor what the new prognosis was.
"Well, you son's gay, you wife is cheatnig on you, your car needs an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, and if you don't stop jerking off every day, your tennis elbow will never go away."

[drew]

What goes in hard and red, and comes out soft and pink?

Spoiler

Bubble-gum

[drew]

Two men were having a conversation one day, when the conversation turned to women; namely how well they do picking-up girls.
The first man said he has a secret weapon,
"I go the the beach, and put an apple inside my swimshorts...I'm chasing the women away, if you know what I mean!"

The next day the second man decides to try.
He has No luck...in fact women are not just turing him down, they're avoiding him altogether.

Luckily he sees the first man, a woman on each arm, and goes up and askes him why the apple trick isn't working for him.

"You're supposed to put the apple in the front."

[drew]

Spoilered for foul language...
unfortunatly, the joke requires some bad words.

Uh...REAL bad words....

Spoiler

Two men were at a bar, and discusing pick-up lines.
One man swore he only had one, and if never failed him.
"I walk up to a girl, whisper in her ear, 'Tickle your c**t with a feather?' If she smiles, well then, I'm in. If she gets upset and asks me what I jsut said, I tell her I only said, 'Typlical country weather?' and she'll normally laugh about missunderstanding, and lets me buy her a drink."
The second man, decided to try this, possibly very risky pick-up line. Unfortunatly, by the the time he worked up the nerve to try it, he had a LOT to drink.
He staggered up a worman at the bar, and procedes to yell in her ear, "Beat your Tw*t with a stick?"
"What the hell did you just say?" the woman yelled back.
"Raining like f*ck outside ain't it?"

[drew]

Long one.

G-rated too =)

On an jungle-island in the middle of the Pasific, There is a band of natives, who survive by hunting the two specis of elephants who also inhabit the island. The elephants are either pink of purple.
To become a warrior, a young brave must capture a pink elephant. PInk are much more elusive, and besides, ANYONE can catch a Purple elephant.
The pink elephants have only ONE weakness: their varacious appetite towards blueberry pie.

One year, a young brave was of appropriate age, and was sent out in the jungle to catch his pink elephant.
He took with him one blueberry pie, and set it in a clearing, while he waited in the clearing with his spear.
After an hour, he heard a rustling in the bushes across from him, but it was only a purple elephant, well ANYONE can catch a purple elephant, so he chased it off.
An hour later, he heard another rustling in the bushes, and a pink head pop up, he then heard the cry on the pink elephant "WHOOOO-WHEEEEE I just LOVE blueberry PIE!!!"
Unfortunatly, by the time the young brave threw his spear, the elephant had finished the pie and was running away.
Not to be disscouraged, a week later, the young brave went back to the same clearing with FIVE blueberry pies. He sat and waited in the bushes for hours, chasing off two purple elephants (ANYONE can catch a purple elephant) But by mid-afternoon, he heard a rustling in the bushes and the cry of the pink elephant "WHOOOO-WHEEEE I just LOVE blueberry PIE!!" the elephant had two of the pies eated by the time the brave threw the spear, but alas, he missed. The elephant finshed the last three pies by the time the brave had retrieved his spears, and had again, run away.
The next week, the same brave wne tback to the same clearing, armed the two spears and TEN blueberry pies. He waited for hours, chasing of a handfull of purple elephants (ANYONE can catch a purple elephant) and finally, at dusk, he heard the rustling, heard the cry, "WHOOOO-WHEEEEE I just LOVE blueberry PIE!!"
THe elephant ate two pies; the brave threw the first spear and missed.
The elephant ate two more pies, the brave threw the second spear, which bounced off the elephants tough hid.
The elephant ate two more pies, the brave, desparate, jumped on the elephants back and grabbed him around the neck, trying to choke him.
The elephant stated twisting and turning, and running around in circles to get the brave off of his back, but the brave would not let go.
The lephant, desparate himself now, took a big deep breath and held it.
THe brave still held on
The elephant, still holding his breath started to turn red in the face.
The brave still held on.
The elephant, now completely desparate for breath now began to turn purple.
The brave let go.
ANYONE can catch a purple elephant.