Agony Sheep

[Vraith]

Dear A.S.,
I've been reading your column since it debuted in the late 50's, and I'm a big fan. I don't need advice, but I have a few questions that have been bugging me for years.
Is it true that you actually wrote "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" about growing up and hired Genesis to record it? Also that you had a doomed affair with Roger Waters, but he found out you went back to Bo Peep, so made fun of you on "Animals?"
I just feel so close to you when I go woolgathering. Do you feel it, too?

Your biggest fan.

P.S. could you send me a signed picture, please? I have the perfect place for it right next to my photo with all the guys from the mattress commercial and team photo of the Rams.

[Shaun das Schaf]

Dear A.S.,
I've been reading your column since it debuted in the late 50's, and I'm a big fan. I don't need advice, but I have a few questions that have been bugging me for years.
Is it true that you actually wrote "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" about growing up and hired Genesis to record it? Also that you had a doomed affair with Roger Waters, but he found out you went back to Bo Peep, so made fun of you on "Animals?"
I just feel so close to you when I go woolgathering. Do you feel it, too?

Your biggest fan.

P.S. could you send me a signed picture, please? I have the perfect place for it right next to my photo with all the guys from the mattress commercial and team photo of the Rams.

Hi Vraith,

It's always lovely to hear from a long-time reader, especially one who's so well-acquainted with the Sheep's life. I must admit I feel a little exposed by your letter but since you've been a fan from the very beginning, I will answer your questions as best I can.

I'm afraid I can't talk about The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. I signed all rights over to Peter and you know how finicky Gabes gets with contracts.

But as for Roger, dear Roger, it's true we once loved deeply. I'm still not sure what happened. We hit some sort of wall and it was like we were suddenly apples and oranges. We tried to breathe through it, succeeded in being comfortably numb for a while, but we both knew we were waiting for the worms to do their work. Even so, when the time came, I cried don't leave me now and when he packed his tan suitcase I was lost for words. After he left I yelled into the corridor, "Is there anybody out there?!" The lady across the hallway, she wore pink slippers but I never knew her name yelled back, "Are ewe alright Deary, would you like a cupcake?"

Roger and I didn't wanted to burn bridges. Even though we parted on poor terms I've never thought of Sheep as ridiculing me. I always hear it as a love song, his warning to me of the perils that awaited my affair with Keith Richards. ("He maketh me to hang on hooks in high places" - I was nothing but a trophy on Keith's arm at parties. "He converteth me to lamb cutlets" - Keith cut me up with his constant infidelity.) I believe to this day Sheep was Roger's gift to me. Many a dark night have I wished I'd unwrapped the wisdom in it.

I must stop now. Your letter touched a nerve and it is aflame with memory.

Yours,

Agony Sheep

P.S. I'm terribly sorry but we've run out of signed pictures. We do have some Agony Sheep egg cups and I've popped them in the SSAE you sent. Speaking of which, thank-you for the photo of yourself you enclosed. It's very pretty, but please put some clothes on next time.

[deer of the dawn]

Thanks for that self-disclosure, AS. I feel warm and fuzzy all over.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Dear Agony Sheep,

I hate doing scheduling for tutoring students... like, I know I won't get the money if I don't tutor them, and I won't tutor them if I don't call or e-mail them and give them a time that works. But stillllll!

It is so annoying. What if someone wants a time that doesn't work for me? What if I don't have a time that works for someone, but it would be a great tutoring relationship otherwise? I'm just so confused!

Plus, what if my self-sabo routines kick into place, and I schedule my students such that I will do the maximal amount of driving, all their lessons overlap and they get mad at me because I'm late to all of them? And then they don't want me to tutor again?

What if I get too many students and overschedule myself? How can I turn one away? Or what about this - what if I get like the perfect number of hours of tutoring, but then all my students cancel because they're sick on the same week? What if I get too few, but then I realize if I'd just played my cards right, I could have had totally different results? Arrrg, can you help?

Yours truly,
'Dee Gauss'

P.S. I am perhaps in a somewhat emotionally frail when it comes to reading an advice column. I say this because this evening I sat down to catch up on your column, and I just about DIED laughing when I read your advice to shadowbinding shoe and deer!!

[Shaun das Schaf]

Dear Agony Sheep,

I hate doing scheduling for tutoring students... like, I know I won't get the money if I don't tutor them, and I won't tutor them if I don't call or e-mail them and give them a time that works. But stillllll!

It is so annoying. What if someone wants a time that doesn't work for me? What if I don't have a time that works for someone, but it would be a great tutoring relationship otherwise? I'm just so confused!

Plus, what if my self-sabo routines kick into place, and I schedule my students such that I will do the maximal amount of driving, all their lessons overlap and they get mad at me because I'm late to all of them? And then they don't want me to tutor again?

What if I get too many students and overschedule myself? How can I turn one away? Or what about this - what if I get like the perfect number of hours of tutoring, but then all my students cancel because they're sick on the same week? What if I get too few, but then I realize if I'd just played my cards right, I could have had totally different results? Arrrg, can you help?

Yours truly,
'Dee Gauss'

P.S. I am perhaps in a somewhat emotionally frail when it comes to reading an advice column. I say this because this evening I sat down to catch up on your column, and I just about DIED laughing when I read your advice to shadowbinding shoe and deer!!

Dear Dee,

I'm going to start with a bit of advice that has always helped me:

If you've been outside in the rain, before you come back inside, open and close your umbrella briskly three of four times otherwise it will leave a puddle on your floor.

Just in case these words of wisdom haven't resolved the substantial issues you're having with your tutoring schedules, take this little pill and continue reading.

As Isaac Newton famously said, "the force of anxiety acting upon the mass of the task-in-waiting is greater than the force of anxiety acting upon the mass of the task. And hands off the apple bitch it's mine!"

Taking into account the understandable human preference for the path of least pain, logic dictates we 'should' chose the task path. However, most of us don't live on a plane of pure-doing. Most of us struggle to take our hands out of the equation; hands that, through no fault of their own, life has moulded to 'play' with things. Whilst this playing often results in the making of wonderful things, when anxiety courses through the fingers, our hands can twist and distort tasks until they look like this...



Now I don't know about you, but even on a night of no offers, I don't want to dance with this fellow.

I think you're starting to see what our job is eh? Yep, we gotta cut this guy down to size. We could just lop his head off with the sword irresponsible Isaac left lying against that park bench over there, but that would be cruel. It took a lot of guts for this guy to ask us dance, especially after Mary-Sue publicly humiliated him. I'm guessing he's more scared of us than we are of him and, like the rest of us here in this dance hall, he just wants to be loved. This is how we love him:

We realize, no matter how hard we scrub, there will always be scales and wrinkles in our life. There will forever be hairs in our soup and our ears, dirt under our nails and pimples on our skin. We will get some dance steps wrong, we will look silly at times and we may feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed. But we will remember, none of us dances perfectly. This is what makes our dances perfect.

Break your task-beast down into little bits. "I'll just start with this one student." Tell yourself, "My schedule won't be perfect, but I will start by weaving this little part, for I cannot mend a net that is not woven."

While you are weaving, be GENTLE and LOVING with yourself and your beast. When you're wading through the pre-task swamp, when you're fighting for breathe mid-task, when you're feeling bruised post-task, don't fight it, accept it. Tell yourself, "It's okay kiddo, you're doing just fine. You're as strong as you're able to be right now and you're doing really well. I'm proud of you. When we've finished this, we will go dancing!"


Thank-you for your letter Linna and good luck with your schedules.

P.S. The wad of cash in your SSAE is a refund for the lack of humour in the main body of your advice. I hope it's enough to buy an umbrella.

Yours,

Agony Sheep.

[deer of the dawn]

Dear Ag,

My daughter is heartbroken over the tryouts results for the school musical. Everyone said she would get a certain part, so her hopes were high. Now she has to get a thousand hugs from her supportive friends and try not to cry all day.

I don't want to feed into her self-pity or perceived unfairness of the situation. However, I have decided to cut the girl who got my daughter's part into small pieces, and feed them to all the dogs in my neighborhood.

What I want to know is, how can I go about cutting up a human body without making a bloody mess? I hate that. Makes it so difficult to conceal.

Doe Doe Doe Doe.... (said in ominous, descending voice)

[Cagliostro]

[sgt.null]

Husker Du Sa Glemmer Jag?

[deer of the dawn]

I guess I was in a pretty dark place. Decided not to go with the grisly murder thingy. I am, after all, into this whole grace-and-forgiveness stuff, so what the heck.

Instead, I posted Charice's "Pyramid" video for my daughter (the beginning shows the singer not finding her name on an audition callback list) on FB. She liked that.

So, Ags, having revealed my evil side, how does one go about retrieving one's cred on KW? Pretty please with a side helping of lamb chops?

[Savor Dam]

Pretty please with a side helping of lamb chops?

Mint jelly with that?

Seriously, can we herd beasts not be nicer to one another...even in the dark times?
[keeping my wings tucked in close!]

[Shaun das Schaf]

I guess I was in a pretty dark place. Decided not to go with the grisly murder thingy. I am, after all, into this whole grace-and-forgiveness stuff, so what the heck.

Instead, I posted Charice's "Pyramid" video for my daughter (the beginning shows the singer not finding her name on an audition callback list) on FB. She liked that.

So, Ags, having revealed my evil side, how does one go about retrieving one's cred on KW? Pretty please with a side helping of lamb chops?

Dear Doe Doe Doe,

I took your letter in the humourous tone in which I believe it was intended. At least I'm hoping that's why I laughed! I may be biased because I have a liking for dark humour and what you call evil sides!

As such I was working on a worthy reply. Should I no longer proceed?

I await your dark command,

- Ags

[deer of the dawn]

I guess I was in a pretty dark place. Decided not to go with the grisly murder thingy. I am, after all, into this whole grace-and-forgiveness stuff, so what the heck.

Instead, I posted Charice's "Pyramid" video for my daughter (the beginning shows the singer not finding her name on an audition callback list) on FB. She liked that.

So, Ags, having revealed my evil side, how does one go about retrieving one's cred on KW? Pretty please with a side helping of lamb chops?

Dear Doe Doe Doe,

I took your letter in the humourous tone in which I believe it was intended. At least I'm hoping that's why I laughed! I may be biased because I have a liking for dark humour and what you call evil sides!

As such I was working on a worthy reply. Should I no longer proceed?

I await your dark command,

- Ags

Oh, please, continue. Future reference...

[Shaun das Schaf]

Dear Ag,

My daughter is heartbroken over the tryouts results for the school musical. Everyone said she would get a certain part, so her hopes were high. Now she has to get a thousand hugs from her supportive friends and try not to cry all day.

I don't want to feed into her self-pity or perceived unfairness of the situation. However, I have decided to cut the girl who got my daughter's part into small pieces, and feed them to all the dogs in my neighborhood.

What I want to know is, how can I go about cutting up a human body without making a bloody mess? I hate that. Makes it so difficult to conceal.

Doe Doe Doe Doe.... (said in ominous, descending voice)

Dear Doe Doe, the trick is not to avoid making a mess but to make use of the mess. This is something our grandparents knew instinctively but we soft-bellied descendants seem to have forgotten. So, without further ado, here's the recipe for Human Nemesis Stock my Grandmother passed down to my mother and my mother passed down to me. (After the first couple of 'examples', our ambitions have not been thwarted.)

Human Nemesis Stock.

Preparation time 25 minutes
Cooking time 3 hours
Makes about 2.5 litres

I deceased human body.
(You can use a live one, but you'll need to adjust your preparation time to allow for the killing.)
3 onions, quartered
6 carrots, thickly sliced
6 celery sticks, thickly sliced
3 bay leaves, or a large bunch of mixed herbs (fresh if you have them)
1 tsp salt
1.5 tsp roughly crushed black peppercorns
7.5 litres cold water

Go ahead and cut the body into small pieces. I assume since you were already planning this, you have the right tools. Just make sure you retain the liquid as it's the main basis for this stock's intense flavour and you don't want to waste any of it. I have a huge cast iron pot that I hang over coals and cut the body straight over that so it catches all the juices. If you only have a large saucepan, you may need to cut and drain separately.

Put the cut carcass and vegetables into a large saucepan. Add the herbs, salt and peppercorns.

Pour over the water and bring slowly to the boil. Skim off any scum with a slotted spoon. Reduce the heat to a gentle simmer, then half cover with a lid and cook for 3hrs until reduced by about half.

Strain the stock through a large sieve into very large jug. Remove any flesh still on the carcass, pick out the meat pieces from the sieve and reserve for soups/stews. Discard the vegetables.

You can use the stock immediately, as a ritual family dinner, but chilling it for several hours or overnight will increase its flavour. Of course, you can freeze what you don't use but if like me your freezer has several different Nemesis Stocks, make sure you label this one with Nemesis Name and Date. You can also reduce the stock even more (double your cooking time) and pour it into ice cubes. Then defrost as you need, adding water to make up the required stock level.

And that's that!

Good luck with the cooking and I hope the neighbourhood dogs enjoy the feed. For future reference, human bones (dry them properly first) make excellent wind chimes and send the right message to other interfering thespians. P.S. Glaze the bones for a bigger, fuller sound and to achieve a pleasant decorative effect.

[sgt.null]

seperating sheep and goats???

[Shaun das Schaf]

Dear Sarge,

You only need to worry about this if they're disrupting a class you're trying to teach or fighting over a particularly tender piece of grass. Otherwise they get along great.
Also, the above goat is allowed to be as naughty as it pleases because, like me, it is so damn cute.

[sgt.null]

Mary had a little lamb,
Little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow

Everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went,
Everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go

It followed her to school one day
School one day, school one day
It followed her to school one day
Which was against the rules.

It made the children laugh and play,
Laugh and play, laugh and play,
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school

And so the teacher turned it out,
Turned it out, turned it out,
And so the teacher turned it out,
But still it lingered near

And waited patiently about,
Patiently about, patiently about,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear

"Why does the lamb love Mary so?"
Love Mary so? Love Mary so?
"Why does the lamb love Mary so?"
The eager children cry

"Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know."
Loves the lamb, you know, loves the lamb, you know
"Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know."
The teacher did reply

for you my sweet lamb...

[deer of the dawn]

Dear Doe Doe, the trick is not to avoid making a mess but to make use of the mess. This is something our grandparents knew instinctively but we soft-bellied descendants seem to have forgotten. So, without further ado, here's the recipe for Human Nemesis Stock my Grandmother passed down to my mother and my mother passed down to me. (After the first couple of 'examples', our ambitions have not been thwarted.)

Human Nemesis Stock.

Preparation time 25 minutes
Cooking time 3 hours
Makes about 2.5 litres

I deceased human body.
(You can use a live one, but you'll need to adjust your preparation time to allow for the killing.)
3 onions, quartered
6 carrots, thickly sliced
6 celery sticks, thickly sliced
3 bay leaves, or a large bunch of mixed herbs (fresh if you have them)
1 tsp salt
1.5 tsp roughly crushed black peppercorns
7.5 litres cold water

Go ahead and cut the body into small pieces. I assume since you were already planning this, you have the right tools. Just make sure you retain the liquid as it's the main basis for this stock's intense flavour and you don't want to waste any of it. I have a huge cast iron pot that I hang over coals and cut the body straight over that so it catches all the juices. If you only have a large saucepan, you may need to cut and drain separately.

Put the cut carcass and vegetables into a large saucepan. Add the herbs, salt and peppercorns.

Pour over the water and bring slowly to the boil. Skim off any scum with a slotted spoon. Reduce the heat to a gentle simmer, then half cover with a lid and cook for 3hrs until reduced by about half.

Strain the stock through a large sieve into very large jug. Remove any flesh still on the carcass, pick out the meat pieces from the sieve and reserve for soups/stews. Discard the vegetables.

You can use the stock immediately, as a ritual family dinner, but chilling it for several hours or overnight will increase its flavour. Of course, you can freeze what you don't use but if like me your freezer has several different Nemesis Stocks, make sure you label this one with Nemesis Name and Date. You can also reduce the stock even more (double your cooking time) and pour it into ice cubes. Then defrost as you need, adding water to make up the required stock level.

And that's that!

Good luck with the cooking and I hope the neighbourhood dogs enjoy the feed. For future reference, human bones (dry them properly first) make excellent wind chimes and send the right message to other interfering thespians. P.S. Glaze the bones for a bigger, fuller sound and to achieve a pleasant decorative effect.

Thanks, Ags! Glad you're not being sheepish about the topic. This is for you:

And the lamb lies down on Broadway

Early morning Manhattan
Ocean winds blow on the land
The Movie-Palace is now undone
The all-night watchmen have had their fun
Sleeping cheaply on the midnight show
It’s the same old ending, time to go
Get out!

It seems they cannot leave their dream
There’s something moving in the sidewalk steam
And the lamb lies down on Broadway

Nightime flyers feel their pains
Drugstore takes down the chains
Metal motion comes in bursts
but the gas station can quench that thirst
Suspension cracked on unmade road
The truckers eyes read Overload

And out on the subway
Rael Imperial Aerosol Kid
Exits into daylight, spraygun hid
And the lamb lies down on Broadway

The lamb seems right out of place
Yet the Broadway street scene finds a focus in its face
Somehow its lying there
Brings a stillness to the air
Though man-made light, at night is very bright
There’s no whitewash victim
As the neon dims, to the coat of white

Rael Imperial Aerosol Kid
Wipes his gun, he’s forgotten what he did
And the lamb lies down on Broadway

Suzanne tired her work all done
Thinks money-honey-be on-neon
Cabman’s velvet glove sounds the horn
And the sawdust king spits out his scorn
Wonder women draw your blind!
Don’t look at me! I’m not your kind
I’m Rael!

Something inside me has just begun

Lord knows what I have done

And the lamb lies down on Broadway

On Broadway
They say the lights are always bright on Broadway
They say there’s always magic in the air

[/quote]

[sgt.null]

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
One for my dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir,
Three bags full.

One for my master,
One for my dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

[Cagliostro]

I have a job interview today. Do you have any tips?

[Vraith]

A.S.,
I don't know what to do.
My sister, Mary, had a little sheep.
She took it when she went to sleep.
But the sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.

My parents threw her out, and the Ram ran off. What now?