In Memoriam: Cagliostro

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Cagliostro
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Post by Cagliostro »

peter wrote:Great post Cag - one that captures the ups and downs of your situation but never strays into self-pity or being maudlin for a moment. How the frick do you do that! ;)
As for the writing of this, I guess I only choose to write when I have a plus side to deliver as well. As for in my life, self pity just seems to increase the suffering and pain, and who the hell needs more of that? So I try to turn it off quickly, but of course there are days that really are unavoidable. Such as when we threw my daughter a birthday party outside and masked and I was told since my immune system was completely gone at the moment, it was best not to attend. I tried, but when I lost my shit when they were singing her happy birthday and I wasn't there, it was just too much. After I cleared the tears, I realized that I needed to be there after all, and stayed away from everyone as best as I could, but still talked with some friends of mine who were there. Which was also sad because one of our friends who has two daughters was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months my diagnosis. It seemed like she would be fine with surgery and so forth, but I found out at my daughters birthday party that it had spread and she was stage 4 as well, even though they can arrest it much better than they can mine. And that deeply saddened me because she was supposed to be the one who made it through this. And I just couldn't keep myself from crying.

Honestly, the PET scan results don't matter too much. If it is pretty good, it might mean another month, which with all the problems may not be a blessing. More than anything, I just want to remain strong for my family and keep their morale up as best as possible. And that's what gives me joy.

To a degree, I really have no idea what to look forward to, and I wish to keep it that way. I suspect it will get bad toward the end, and I probably won't be typing too much during that time, but the less I dwell on that futile venture, the better I am. I'm living a bit in denial here and there, but concentrating too much on the awfulness just really makes it worse, so it's better to concentrate on giving others joy at times when I can't find it for myself.

With that said, I was asked about a Christmas song to sing at the cancer center. Having worked retail for a number of years, I kinda loathe Christmas music to a degree. But there is one that I might just work myself up to do by Tim Minchin called White Wine In The Sun that I suspect you Aussies and Brits know well, but those in the US don't seem to. It is a gutting song to me, and I don't know if I can get through it without tears, but it's the only one I can think to do that wouldn't be just a crapping out of a classic boring song or contain some questionable words, not to mention is a duet (I'm talkling about you, Fairytale of New York).

Here is the song for those of you who don't know it.
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Life is a waste of time
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So get wasted all of the time
And you'll have the time of your life
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Post by Menolly »

Fantastic update, Cag. Really good to hear from you. It sounds like seeing Christmas is achievable, and that y'all will make it wonderful.
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Post by DoctorGamgee »

What a fun song! I'm sure you will do it well.
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Post by Fist and Faith »

As you guess, I never heard that song. Seemed easy enough at first. As it got closer to the end, I found out what you're mean. Yeah, good luck getting through that! :lol:

Sometimes when we're on a long hike, and my feet are hurting, I think it will never end. Next thing you know, I'm home, showered, eating something good. Somehow, I got through that hike, and all the thousands of miles of hikes we've ever been on, and my almost 58 years. And it's all passed in an instant. Literally, it's been an instant. I'll be dead in an instant, and it will only be an instant after you died. Maybe it's the genealogist in me, looking at marriage records of an 18 year old ggg grandmother, full of love, and hope, and fear. And, like all those boys in the pictures in the trophy case that Robin Williams showed the boys in Dead Poets Society. And Robin Williams. In 500 years, it won't matter if either of us, or anyone else today, died tomorrow, or 50 years from now. We'll all have been dead for an eternity.

Hey, don't blame me. "Depressing" is right there in the title of the thread!

Of course, the flip side is that every instant is the only instant, and, while you're in it, it lasts forever. Living in denial? Fuck yeah! Deny that there is any existence outside of the moment you are making your daughter laugh. That's the only moment that counts. That's the only moment there is. Maybe these will help...

I'm reading a story in braille. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

A truck loaded with Vick's Vapo-rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

I just swallowed a stack of scrabble tiles by accident. My next poop could spell disaster.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary? Wrong.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

The other day a friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon
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Post by Fist and Faith »

:lol: Just read about the Ted Talk.
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon
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Post by Menolly »

First time hearing White Wine In the Sun. What an awesome song.
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Post by peter »

Cag, your follow up post is almost too poignant to read.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm finding that in posting in this thread, I'm thinking much more carefully than normal about the words I use, the tone I'm trying to strike. It's like, rather than throwing words at a wall and hoping one or two of them stick, I'm using tweezers to pick and sort them before delicately setting them in place.

I've deliberately stayed away from the very personal subject of belief - the situation seems to me to be one where where we must each hold, or adapt, our own ruminations on the subject to ourselves; but suffice to say, set against the miracle of our being here in the first place (and in this context the use of the word can be taken in either its mystical or probabilistic sense with equal validity), the possibility of further miracles can never be ruled out.

Love and respect.

Peter.

Ps. I miss the saluting girl, though I love the penguins too!

;)
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Post by Avatar »

Ah, Cag, always great to hear from you. The grace and dignity with which you're handling it come as no surprise to me. The Count himself would have done no less. ;)

Nothing wrong with a bit of denial. Time enough to worry about something when it happens. And nothing wrong with moving to palliative care either...as your doc suggested, you'll probably at least feel better, which counts for a lot as far as I'm concerned.

Keep coming back to us Cag...we're with you in thought at least. :)
peter wrote:...set against the miracle of our being here in the first place...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk

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Post by Fist and Faith »

Avatar wrote:
peter wrote:...set against the miracle of our being here in the first place...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buqtdpuZxvk
"Thermodynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing. And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle."

Dr. Manhattan
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
-Paul Simon
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Post by StevieG »

Cag, I've shed a truck load of tears over that Tim Minchin song in the past - it was nice to revisit it! Tim Minchin was the last show we saw before the original lockdown due to Covid, and as usual it was very special. I've been a huge fan for years.

And I've experienced drinking white wine in the sun at Christmas - a mildly dangerous occupation, but it's definitely fun :D

There's another poignant song by Puscifer called Autumn. I'd love to know what you think of it Cag. It's one of those songs that you may initially think "meh" but it grows strongly. I find it incredibly emotional:

Autumn

Stay the winter, oh, one more day
Leave me to my child's play
Soon enough I'll go your way
Dance with me, oh, one more autumn day
Soon enough I'll go your way
Soon enough-
Soon enough, though not this day
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Post by deer of the dawn »

I love the song, and the tone is just right.

I lost my Mom 6 years ago today. Her birthday was 3 days ago and it hit me surprisingly hard. I'm almost 60 but losing my Mom was incredibly significant. Christmas, Thanksgiving, all of it's different now. It's up to me to roast the turkey and make pumpkin pies (or we'll be eating some tragic storebought crap). So thanks for the song, as an American I was not familiar with it at all.
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Post by samrw3 »

Thanks for all the updates Cagliostro. Whatever you decide just know you helped touch my life. Based on what I read in these posts you have touched many more.

I found this for my wife who deals with many things that I will not get into this post..maybe it will help in some small way:

If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead
if the morning brings you sadness
its ok to stay in bed
if the day ahead weighs heavy
and your plans fell like a curse
there's no shame in rearranging
don't make yourself feel worse
if a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you'll drown
if you haven't washed your hair for days
don't throw away your crown
a day is not a lifetime
a rest is not a defeat
don't think of it as failure
just a quiet, kind retreat
its ok to take a moment
from an anxious, fractured mind
the world will not stop turning
while you get realigned
the mountain will still be there
when you want to try again
you can climb it in your time
just love yourself till then

Much respect and all my best
Not every person is going to understand you and that's okay. They have a right to their opinion and you have every right to ignore it.
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Post by Cagliostro »

Thanks for all the joy you folks are pushing at me. Sorry I have not been active on here lately. It's mainly because sitting up for very long with this frickin' hernia causes my stomach to get upset. I spend a lot of my time laying on my back these days. Not because I'm a ho, but because it is about the only way to typically be comfortable, although it makes me especially gassy for some reason.

So I have decided to retire at the new year. I'm still working, which thankfully is just mainly updating tickets until we receive equipment back, which my supervisor is checking in as it comes. It's not too taxing, and can lie on my back to do it with the laptop. Honestly, if it was any harder, I would have quit by now because I'm barely up to the barest minimum these days. And it seems like all the other IT teams are comprised of a bunch of dookie heads who would rather make things difficult than understand what the concept of teamwork means.

So I'm pretty fed up with the place, and the crappy new contractor that we have been saddled with this year have pretty much botched everything from the start and at about every point along the way. When I started here, morale was good, people enjoyed themselves and while some teams were always unhelpful, there was certainly more of a sense of, well, that may not be my job, but let me either help you or I'll just take care of it because I know what to do. The new contractor coming in made a lot of people have cold feet, not to mention reduced pay for several people and cause people leave in droves. And recently, they caused a ton more people to leave because they had the audacity to send an email saying, "we want to make it possible for you to spend more time with friends and family by reducing hours and having you choose how to cut 60 hours per person among your teams during the months of November and December." Because they fucked up by approving overtime to some individuals, and other individuals didn't use PTO at all. As I had because of treatments and such, and was in the negative PTO, this really pissed me off. But because so many quit as a result of this, and some people who didn't use any PTO throughout the year finally used some, I was told to not worry about taking extra time off. So it all worked out ok for me. But PTO resets at the beginning of the year due to their new rules, and there is now a division between PTO and sick time, and if you have not worked for a year yet, you get no PTO. They just keep screwing over the people they hire to work the job, and I suspect they are going to have trouble getting new blood in.

With that said, my boss is also leaving probably very soon after I retire. He has lined up a new job already and is just waiting for all the paperwork and background nonsense to clear and then he puts in his two week notice. He let these folks know he had another offer, and they pretty much said "see you." The other place he was having trouble working out child care and what to do with his kids before and after school to be able to work there, and after the person he finally admitted this to heard it made some calls and they had arranged more of a work from home situation instead of forcing him to come into the office all the time. So now he is completely happy. And I'm happy for him.

I decided despite all the constant Covid fear that pretty much has kept me housebound over the past year plus, I was going to take the chance on seeing a movie at the movie theater, and decided Ghostbusters to be a fitting and slightly ironic choice. So we are going today, and at a multiplex where it is showing in probably the smallest theater I have ever been in, according to the seating chart, at a time when we probably won't have anybody else in the theater with us, if our luck is good. It seems to be the last week it is showing at this theater, and as of yet, nobody has claimed any of the seats. Here's hoping because I want to eat popcorn during the movie and not have to remain masked during the flick. Otherwise, my wife won't allow it and we'll get popcorn as we are leaving the theater, which is a drag.

Christmas. Sigh. I'm forward to it, and we were to have my mom and stepfather, my two sisters and my brother-in-law and my dad and step-mother coming. My stepmother is a bit of a problem at the moment as she has kind of turned evil and my sisters don't really want to deal with her, especially since she has been helping her loser son financially and helped bail him out of jail after he had been arrested for molesting his granddaughter, which is pretty much a crime of disownment in my family. Plus, the subtle abuse she lays on my dad, and a host of other things she has done with a smile to our side has really pissed off several of us. I'm happy to have my dad there though, but I just wish we could have navigated a way to not have the step-mom there.

Meanwhile, my mom, whose idea it originally was to have everyone come down to Denver for Christmas, is now unable to make it because my step-father has had a series of heart attacks, and recently had open heart surgery which will leave him unable to attend, and understandably my mom as well. And my poor mom. Her dog ran out of the house and has not been seen since about a month ago or more, and just yesterday lost the only other pet they had - a cat named Punkin. With me and her husband and our issues, she must be destroyed with loss at the moment. I was going to call her last night, but figured I'd give her a day to grieve.

I know I have more to say, but I've pretty much taxed myself for now.

Oh, the PET scan I said I would report back about results were basically no new tumors but a little growth in the one in the liver. Since I don't have a lot more fight in me, we decided to cut back the chemo a bit to make it easier to take, and see where I'm at later. Finish out the year and see what insurance I have to pay for additional treatments or not. I'd be fine with ending treatments and set up hospice care at home while I can. Anyway, that's the latest.

Thanks, folks. You all mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry I'm so absent.
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Post by peter »

More power to your elbow Cag!

That's a post and a half for a man lying on his back! ;)

Yes - families. Who'd have them. :lol: Good luck with navigating your way through Christmas with them all present; I'm lucky that my lot are spread out thinly over the various days which makes things somewhat easier.

How did Ghostbusters go? Hope you got your popcorn! Maybe do a little review over in the movie sub-forum if you have any energy left after Christmas?

Retirement! Far out! Not before time as well by the sounds of it; new brooms sweeping clean are inevitably a pain in all businesses - the trick is for them not to destroy the business altogether, which I've seen done more than once. All businesses have their own little quirks and hidden tripwires that are not apparent from the outside, making what looks on the surface a no-brainer in actual fact a morass of hidden pitfalls. Sounds to me like you are well out of it!

Sounds as well as though you are looking at a more balanced treatment regimen that will cut you a bit more slack in terms of its effects on your overall well-being. This has got to be a good thing, especially as it seems that to a degree at present, your condition appears stable.

Great to read your post Cag - ten out of ten for taking the effort and time! In the meantime my friend, have a great (and chill) time over the festive season. Maybe even a drop of good scotch or brandy if your condition allows - damn, even if it doesn't! ;)

Chow for now

Peter.

(Update in the New Year please :biggrin: )
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Post by Avatar »

Good to hear from you again Cag, and great update. You need one of those speech-to-text set-ups and then you can just rant at us. ;)

And congrats on the up-coming retirement. ;)

From what I've read, switching to palliative care can have a real impact in improving quality of life, and you probably deserve a bit of a break.

Keep on keeping on, and let us know how it goes. All rooting for you. :)

--A
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Post by Fist and Faith »

Very glad you made it to Christmas!

MIL sounds charming. Sheesh.

I haven't seen the new Ghostbusters. Any good?
All lies and jest
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest
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Post by Skyweir »

Cagliostro wrote:
peter wrote:Great post Cag - one that captures the ups and downs of your situation but never strays into self-pity or being maudlin for a moment. How the frick do you do that! ;)
As for the writing of this, I guess I only choose to write when I have a plus side to deliver as well. As for in my life, self pity just seems to increase the suffering and pain, and who the hell needs more of that? So I try to turn it off quickly, but of course there are days that really are unavoidable. Such as when we threw my daughter a birthday party outside and masked and I was told since my immune system was completely gone at the moment, it was best not to attend. I tried, but when I lost my shit when they were singing her happy birthday and I wasn't there, it was just too much. After I cleared the tears, I realized that I needed to be there after all, and stayed away from everyone as best as I could, but still talked with some friends of mine who were there. Which was also sad because one of our friends who has two daughters was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months my diagnosis. It seemed like she would be fine with surgery and so forth, but I found out at my daughters birthday party that it had spread and she was stage 4 as well, even though they can arrest it much better than they can mine. And that deeply saddened me because she was supposed to be the one who made it through this. And I just couldn't keep myself from crying.

Honestly, the PET scan results don't matter too much. If it is pretty good, it might mean another month, which with all the problems may not be a blessing. More than anything, I just want to remain strong for my family and keep their morale up as best as possible. And that's what gives me joy.

To a degree, I really have no idea what to look forward to, and I wish to keep it that way. I suspect it will get bad toward the end, and I probably won't be typing too much during that time, but the less I dwell on that futile venture, the better I am. I'm living a bit in denial here and there, but concentrating too much on the awfulness just really makes it worse, so it's better to concentrate on giving others joy at times when I can't find it for myself.

With that said, I was asked about a Christmas song to sing at the cancer center. Having worked retail for a number of years, I kinda loathe Christmas music to a degree. But there is one that I might just work myself up to do by Tim Minchin called White Wine In The Sun that I suspect you Aussies and Brits know well, but those in the US don't seem to. It is a gutting song to me, and I don't know if I can get through it without tears, but it's the only one I can think to do that wouldn't be just a crapping out of a classic boring song or contain some questionable words, not to mention is a duet (I'm talkling about you, Fairytale of New York).

Here is the song for those of you who don't know it.
You are amazing ~ genuinely wow… what a beautiful human you are 👌♥️
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keep smiling 😊 :D 😊

'Smoke me a kipper .. I'll be back for breakfast!'
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Post by StevieG »

This from Cag via FB:
Well folks, I guess it is time to deliver some bad news. And I am going to be pretty blunt about this, because that’s who I am.

I have spent the last several days in the hospital, and found out my kidneys are not functioning very well and are not likely to recover. I was told I have anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to live. I have been sent home and will get together with at home hospice to make me comfy and set me up with plenty of happy drugs to help me over this final hurdle to find my peace.

So the Lotus Eater phase of my life begins. If you aren’t familiar with what I am talking about, read a book (just kidding, but it is from the Odyssey, or just look up Lotus eaters).

I thought it might be kinder to be up front about it instead of just hearing I have passed. Anyone who has been waiting around for an opportunity to call me an asshole, now is the perfect window, but if anyone wants to say a goodbye, I welcome them at this time. I have been pretty busy and certainly very tired, so text me before calling in case I am not up to a call just then. Warning: I am quick to tears these days so you will probably hear me blubber a bit. But honestly a FB message is great too, and I promise not to haunt anybody or hold any grudge toward anyone who is not up to the task, and I completely understand not wanting to. I just wanted to put that out there in case anyone feels a need.
I love you all and miss all my friends. I know no details but there is probably going to be 2 funerals/wakes at some point - one in Colorado and one in spring or summer in Wichita where my ashes will be spread in Mirkwood that most people know as the Big Ditch. If you would like to attend, make sure we have your contact information as I am not sure what form it will come in. Probably email.
Those are my wishes, at least.

Sorry I just can’t take a FB post of this nature seriously, but I think you all know me well enough you should expect it.

I leave you with a quote from the Gatekeeper from the Nightmare video board game that keeps spinning inappropriately in my mind, “Ghost train is coming kiddies!�

But also, be nice to each other out there while I am gone. Love you all!
Hugs and sh!t ~ lucimay

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Post by Avatar »

Thanks for posting that for us StevieG. Hopefully Cag has the time and / or energy to pop past and wave us goodbye.

Ah Cag...In my determined (perhaps pathological) focus on the present only, (I blame the aphantasia), I've been cheerfully either ignoring the whole thing, or pretending that there would be some last minute reprieve.

The time it seems however, is nigh after all, and thus we must apparently face what you have prepared us for with (to steal a couple of phrases from other commenters) unfailing grace and good humour.

For what it's worth, your contributions to the Watch will remain as perpetual a monument as anything in this ephemeral online world. It's hard to believe nearly 17 years have passed since you first intersected with this digital spire.

And harder still to realise that time is coming to an end. Hell, we're going to have to create a memorial item for you. ;)

I couldn't decide on an appropriate quotation at first, but in the end, an ending inspired by your own words seems perhaps most fitting:
In The Lotos-Eaters, Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote:Surely, surely, slumber is more sweet than toil, the shore
Than labour in the deep mid-ocean, wind and wave and oar;
O, rest ye, brother mariners, we will not wander more.
Pleasant journeys my friend, and thanks always for the memories.

--Avatar
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Post by lucimay »

Avatar said "...I've been cheerfully either ignoring the whole thing, or pretending that there would be some last minute reprieve."

same.

also, everything else that he said holds for me as well.
love ya bub.
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