The Story and other stuff that dAN didn't write

[sgt.null]

isn't there some sort of law against this sort of thing. sort it out...

[dANdeLION]

Your post seems out of sorts.

[sgt.null]

Your post seems out of sorts.

well i am sure glad you took A WHOLE YEAR to tell me.

[dANdeLION]

A year? Are you sure? Maybe you just forgot to set your clock for Daylight Savings.....or maybe you have your Watch profile set to GMT + 8,760 Hours

[sgt.null]

A year? Are you sure? Maybe you just forgot to set your clock for Daylight Savings.....or maybe you have your Watch profile set to GMT + 8,760 Hours

i will need a compass, a slide rule and a protractor...

and a conversion chart, a large magnet and a spirograph.

[dANdeLION]

Kept in the cellar by his evil aunt Gertrude for hours longer than was usual, little null had an epiphany. He could hide here any time he wanted, and nobody would look for him. So the cellar became a place of solitude, rather than the place of fear it had been all his short life. It was still dark, still damp; but now he found it comforting. Null explored every corner of his new domicile. He found several old tools, an abandoned tricycle, a pair of binoculars, an old lawnmower engine, several feet of rope, and an old vice. He also found a mouse, whom he called Mallory. Null loved Mallory; he brought the diminutive rodent cheese, bread, or cookies whenever he could. Null told his deepest, darkest secrets to mallory, too. One day, at school, one of the usual bullies chided null, saying he was an epic overposter. Null was crushed. No one was supposed to know null's aunt had forced him to go to several Overposter's Anonymous meetings, as null had never mentioned it to a living soul. Well, except for Mallory. Furious, null ran home. Quietly creeping past his aunt's room, null entered the cellar, with revenge on his juvenile brain. Null grabbed the rusty hammer in his sweaty hand, and held out a slice of cheese in his other hand, sweetly calling for Mallory.

But Mallory didn't come.

Looking around, null realized that the trike, engine, and rope had also disappeared. Also, null now noticed, the cellar window was unlocked; ajar.

Absentmindedly grabbing the binoculars, null quickly left the cellar. Null went out back, where he found the tricycle tracks and an empty gas can. Looking out in the direction the tracks went, null saw a startling site. Using the binoculars, null witnessed what appeared to be a castle, ascending above a plume of billowing smoke, hurtling towards the stars. Atop the castle was a man, dressed like a king, or perhaps a sorcerer, laughing like a drunken clown. And on his shoulder perched Mallory, who was looking straight at null, and flipping him a bird.

Nobody has seen Mallory since.

[dANdeLION]

aTOMiC and I have talked about lengthening Flower Of Doom. The good ideas were doing things like building an actual plot, fleshing out each chapter, and tying the chapters together. You know, the stuff that makes books readable. Unfortunately, I have the attention span of an inebriated possum, and combining that with the fact that I don't write...well, all I seem to be able to contribute are things like this, which was written by a monkey I keep chained to a typewriter in my attic. It cost me 30 bananas, and I owe him a 'conjugal' visit to Lowry Park zoo, but I think you'll all find it was worth it. I really feel Bobo is getting the hang of it; must be all those Dan pigeon books I force-read him last year. face it, any self-respecting chimp is gonna want to prove he's the better writer......

Anyway, without further ado, I present you with:




Let He Who Is Without Sin

“JOHHNZ, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” ASKED JABOB. Johnnz continued to draw in the sand. Apparently reaching a stopping point, Johnnz looked up and said “Constructing a force-field.” Jabob thought “Oh God, not again” and asked Johnnz how was drawing in the sand going to accomplish that. Johnnz returned to his work, and did not answer. Jabob resignedly walked down to the shore of the Theremann Sea.

After a few minutes of throwing shells into it, Jabob turned around and walked back towards Johnnz. The morning was beautiful, with a light breeze coming off the water. The sun glinted off the spires of Southerland Castle way off in the distance, hinting at the heat that would come later in the day. Johnnz had evidently waited for Jabob to return before finishing his artwork. “Okay, I’m done” Johnny said. “We should be safe now”. “Johnnz, how is that a force-field, and why do we need it?” Jabob asked. So Johnnz agreed to tell him.

“Remember when Miss Angelina didn’t make it to school? Polly had to teach my class, and she showed me this in an old book. Miss Angelina’s books are so boring, but Polly’s book had hookers and prophets in it. Anyway, there was this part where an angry mob wanted to kill the hooker by throwing rocks at her, but the prophet told them, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’. Jabob thought about that. He decided it was a good idea, because he was pretty sure that assault and battery with the intent to kill was a sin, and if you managed to get that far in life without screwing up, you weren’t about to start now. He told Johnnz that, but Johnnz shook his head, and told Jabob “The prophet was just stalling for time. See, while he was talking, he was also drawing this exact symbol in the dirt. He didn’t trust the commoners to be as smart as you are, so he was constructing a force-field, in case they started throwing rocks.”

Jabob stood there, slack-jawed. His mind reeled. He asked himself for the thousandth time ’Why do I hang out with this nut? An ancient Parakeet taught him to make a force-field? He’s crazy! I should run away now!’ Jabob began to back up, but something stopped him. The force-field? The force-field! Jabob practically crapped his pants!

“God, Johnnz, why are you so weird?” Jabob, said, fear and exasperation clearly written on his face. Johnnz looked at him, and said, “Let me answer your other question first. Why we need this shield is because in about 30 seconds, Southerland Castle is about to take off, and that big tunnel up there in the cliff face is actually an exhaust tunnel, and there’s going to be a buttload of rocks, fire, and other nasties flying out of it very soon.”

Jabob would never doubt Johnnz again. In time, the pair of them would go on to do amazing things. But in that last moment of doubt, just before their transformation in the flaming crucible of molten detritus and flaming exhaust, Jabob cried”What? Do you mean to tell me that that Southerland Castle is in fact a Citadel-class Spaceship?”

[sgt.null]

thank-you for that...

[aTOMiC]

Kept in the cellar by his evil aunt Gertrude for hours longer than was usual, little null had an epiphany. He could hide here any time he wanted, and nocody would look for him. So the cellar became a place of solitude, rather than the place of fear it had been all his short life. It was still dark, still damp; but now he found it comforting. Null explored every corner of his new domicile. He found several old tools, an abandoned tricycle, a pair of binoculars, an old lawnmower engine, several feet of rope, and an old vice. He also found a mouse, whom he called Mallory. Null loved Mallory; he brought the diminutive rodent cheese, bread, or cookies whenever he could. Null told his deepest, darkest secrets to mallory, too. One day, at school, one of the usual bullies chided null, saying he was an epic overposter. Null was crushed. No one was supposed to know null's aunt had forced him to go to several Overposter's Anonymous meetings, as null had never mentioned it to a living soul. Well, except for Mallory. Furious, null ran home. Quietly creeping past his aunt's room, null entered the cellar, with revenge on his juvenile brain. Null grabbed the rusty hammer in his sweaty hand, and held out a slice of cheese in his other hand, sweetly calling for Mallory.

But Mallory didn't come.

Looking around, null realized that the trike, engine, and rope had also disappeared. Also, null now noticed, the cellar window was unlocked; ajar.

Absentmindedly grabbing the binoculars, null quickly left the cellar. Null went out back, where he found the tricycle tracks and an empty gas can. Looking out in the direction the tracks went, null saw a startling site. Using the binoculars, null witnessed what appeared to be a castle, ascending above a plume of billowing smoke, hurtling towards the stars. Atop the castle was a man, dressed like a king, or perhaps a sorcerer, laughing like a drunken clown. And on his shoulder perched Mallory, who was looking straight at null, and flipping him a bird.

Nobody has seen Mallory since.

And you claim that you aren't a writer.
What a load. That was simply genius.

[dANdeLION]

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way, it's irrelevant because I didn't write it.

[sgt.null]

redundancy is redundant...

[aTOMiC]

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Either way, it's irrelevant because I didn't write it.

More rubbish.