Epic Fantasy For Dummies

[Zahir]

hee hee hee--I couldn't resist

DO-IT-YOURSELF-EPIC-FANTASY

With all the talk about Peter Jackson's film adaptation of "Lord of the Rings" generating discussion about epic fantasy, it seemed a shame more people haven't had the fun of creating their own. In an effort to help here is a simply formula:

Ready?

ONE: BAD GUYS

You will need a Dark Lord, someone of awesome magical might and evil against whom your heroes must struggle. Dark Lords require four things to make them really, really bad:

1. A Stronghold of Evil. This is traditionally a tower but can be nearly anything, from an island to a cave in the center of a labyrinth. Whatever its exact nature, this serves as both home and headquarters to the Dark Lord. It also is the final destination of the Quest (see below).
2. Lots of unattractive Slave Soldiers. They can be goblins, trolls, dwarves, mutants, zombies, flying monkees, etc. It doesn't really matter, so long as there are enough to make a vast and overwhelming army with which to threaten the free peoples of the world. Oh, and they have to be slaves because once the Dark Lord goes bye-bye they'll scatter like the wind.
3. Minions of Terrible Power. Kinda like Navy Seals, or high-priced lawyers. These are the big guns the Dark Lord unleashes against his top opponents. Any one of them would make a pretty scary Dark Lord in their own right, and the fact they tow the line for their boss makes him that much more impressive. Traditionally, such MTPs have a collective name that sounds fairly ominious. Yet their number should be limited--Nine Ringwraiths, Three Ravers, Eight Tiny Reindeer, etc.
4. Finally, the Dark Lord needs some kind of weakness which will be his doom. Perhaps its a piece of rock from his original home, poisonous to him for some reason. Or maybe he's just so vile and nasty that a sufficiently intense bit of good cheer will melt him. Whatever. And it pretty much needs to be tied up somehow with the Object of the Quest (see below). Exactly how is up to you.

Of course Dark Lords also need some kind of name, as impressive-sounding as possible. The letters "M" "S" "Z" and "W" for some reason make excellent choices to start off, with an ending like "on" or "oth" or "ath" often working best.

Titles of nobility are always good, but in a pinch "Lord" or "Master" are time-tested classics, especially if you stick some kind of descriptive bit at the end. "Master Zoth" is just not as impressive as "Master Zoth the Soul-Render." It just isn't. So make sure your bad guy is known as "Count So-And-So the Vicious" or "King Whatisname the Really Mean" or " Sir You-Know-Who the Desperately-In-Need-Of-Therapy."

TWO: HEROES

Of course opposing the Dark Lord will be a Band of Heroes, who must number at least five. You can have more but odds are they'll all fall into one of these categories anyway.

1. The Wizard Usually the one who puts the Band together, and often without consulting any of the members beforehand. Usually a tetchy, eccentric old man with the irritating habit of not telling people what they desperately need to know. (Note: Sometimes the Wizard has an Apprentice, and they nearly always have some kind of unresolved issues)
2. The Brooding Warrior. Nearly always with some kind of Big Secret in his past, often a past crime or failure, maybe a curse or vow to avenge some kind of terrible wrong. Most importantly, this character is pretty close to indestructible, and is intimately acquainted with many of the dangers the Band will face. Think Rambo meets Robin Hood and you probably have a basic idea what this character is like.
3. The Reluctant Everyman. Okay, this is person upon whom everything depends. Here is someone with no real training in what's needed nor expectation to need such. This isn't weakness, but a perfectly reasonable fact of the life they've been living up until the Wizard showed up. Precisely why this person needs to be the focus of the adventure involves some work--but in a pinch you can always say there's a prophecy that said so. Of course nobody thought to tell this person about said prophecy until now. That would be too easy.
4. The Bestest Friend Ever. Not only does the Everyman need someone to complain to, the Band in general needs a member who'll simply stick with them through thick and thin, come what may, and will do the nasty jobs no one else really wants to do--cook the food, activate the garbage disposal, be the butt of jokes. You get the idea. If you want to go all the way and make this character an actual dog, go right ahead. There is some precedent.
5. The Rogue With A Heart. Imagine someone who steal but only from those (he says) can afford it. A smooth talker who gets people into trouble but out of them just about as often. He'll sell you for the reward, but then break you out of jail. He's greedy, unethical and charming enough to talk everybody into schemes that have no chance whatsoever of working. This is the person the Band counts on and keeps counting on. Why, we're not sure, but its part of the formula. Of course, the Rogue need not be particularly criminal. He might just as easily be little more than a talented juvenile delinquent (who perhaps is the lone successful escapee from the Stronghold of Evil).

You can also use the optional "Lost Heir" plotline if you wish--where one of the Heroic Band turns out to be the last of a long line of kings (or something) which is a plot device of immense potential value. Almost any of the five can be this Lost Heir, except the Wizard.

THREE: THE OBJECT OF THE QUEST

What is any Epic Fantasy without a Quest? And to have a quest, you need an object of said quest! The possibilities are endless--perhaps you need to find the lamp where the Dark Lord has sealed the djinn whose powers he stole. Or maybe the Dark Lord's liver is hidden away in a box surrounded by dragons.

1. Ring. Overdone? Or a classic? You decide!
2. Sword. More than just pretty, it can be used to kill things.
3. Grail. This one's tricky, because you got figure out how drinking something is gonna really make that much of a difference.
4. Magical Stone or Jewel (you can get double duty with this by setting it in a ring or sword!)
5. Book of Spells--underused, in my opinion, because might not it contain the one spell needed to destroy the Dark Lord's power?

Whatever you decide on, this Object is somehow linked to the Dark Lord's one weakness, his Achilles' heel which is the only hope for the world to be anything other than a living hell. For some reason the Dark Lord doesn't possess it himself, or if he does has it guarded in a manner that proves inadequate. Gaining the Object, of course, is but half the Quest. The other half is using it.


FOUR: THE QUEST ITSELF

All quests end at the Dark Lord's Stronghold of Evil, but along the way there are time-honored and absolute requirements for the Band of Heroes. They fall into two categories: Places and Events.

Here are the PLACES your Heroic Band must visit:

--A strange and dangerous Forest.
--The ruins of a lost city.
--Some rural town where no one has a clue.
--A massive mountain.
--The castle where the rulers of the realm live.
--Some kind of spooky swamp (haunted mansion and/or hound optional).

Here are EVENTS that must happen to your Band on their quest:

--They must encounter at least one wandering monster that will try to eat/kill/lay eggs in the heroes.
--At least once they must be betrayed by local authorities, who are in cahoots (perhaps unknowingly) with the Dark Lord.
--One or more of the Band will be taken captive.
--Sooner or later some insurmountable obstacle will present itself, forcing the Band into a detour no one who knows the way wanted to take. Usually the reason for this reluctance is kept secret.
--Of course they will need to be harassed by the Minions of Terrible Power.
--Allies show up where they are least expected.
--Members of the Heroic Band will be accused a crime most of them did not commit.

FIVE: THE END OF THE STORY

It is a law of nature that all quests end at the Stronghold of Evil, where the Reluctant Everyman will face the Dark Lord and vanquish him, using the Object of the Quest to somehow activate the Dark Lord's fatal weakness. But before even that happens the Heroic Band must be split up, so that only one or at most two of the Heroes face the Dark Lord at the end. Traditionally, the second one is the Bestest Friend.

For some reason the Dark Lord always meets the Everyman personally, which certainly facilitates the story but otherwise represents something of a logical challenge. Exactly where the Minions of Terrible Power have gone off to, not to mention the Unattractive Slave Soldiers, may or may not get explained.

At story's end, the world becomes a kinder, gentler place. The Dark Lord is dead, or turned into a newt, or maybe dragged off by the equivalent of the local constabulary (probably muttering vows of revenge, like "I'd've gotten away with it if it weren't for those lousy kids!"). As a result the Heroic Band breaks up, with at least one or two going back to precisely where they'd come from, wherever that might be

Until sufficient sales justify a sequel, naturally.

[Lord Mhoram]

Thats a real stereotype of fantasy! But funny!

[Damelon]

You stole Edding's generic plot outline sheet.

[Reisheiruhime]

Thats a real stereotype of fantasy! But funny!

Very funny!

[Sevothtarte]

Speaking of stereotypes... :

---

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several clips of ammunition emptied into them, not to be left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she is evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Wanted ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.

65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive", the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button"

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

[danlo]

You stole Edding's generic plot outline sheet

(this guy's def my new fav!)

[Reisheiruhime]

Oh my poor monitor. I'm glad my keyboard has one of those cover things. Those posts are so coke-snortingly funny.

[Lord Mhoram]

Loved the Eddings joke! NOTE: Could also apply to one mister Robert Jordan.

[danlo]

Or Brooks, but I shouldn't give the fool that much credit

[Damelon]

Loved the Eddings joke! NOTE: Could also apply to one mister Robert Jordan.

Speaking of Robert Jordan, I thought that after the last book he finally got the plot moving again. I was wrong. Jordan has the skill of being able to write hundreds of pages about nothing. I should have skimmed this one before buying

[[Syl]]

You got that right, Damelon. Luckily, I got it from the library.

The book f'ing sucks! The entire thing has been disjointed and rambling. There's no plot development. Hell, there's barely any good moments! WTF was Jordan thinking? The actual information revealed in the book is worth three chapters at most. The only decent chapter was the one with So Harbor, and I'm pretty sure you could've cut it out of the book and it wouldn't have affected the story (at this point, I ask myself "what story?"). Tor needs to hire some freakin' editors that know how to do the job. I seriously question the sanity, integrity, and ability of anyone who would take two years to write this crap.

[Sevothtarte]

On the other hand, the cleverness of publishers and authors which manage to make a lot of money with a series in which nothing much has happened for the last five or so books, is beyond question...

... as is the stupidity of people like me, who've actually bought all the books and read them twice and seriously consider getting the latest one as well ...

sigh

[Cord Hurn]

This thread is a CLASSIC!

[Linna Heartbooger]

This thread is a CLASSIC!

Nice catch!
Thanks, Cord Hurn!

[Cord Hurn]

My pleasure, Linna! Sometimes I think it's well worth while to bring back forgotten threads so they can be re-appreciated as they deserve to be!