As the World Burns!!! A Kevins Watch SOAP!

Book 1 of the Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant

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IVB
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Post by IVB »

MrKABC, you rock. Tree Stump Bitch! too cool!

Sorry for the long hiatus, work, fishing, family, fishing all seemed to pile up. If anyone is still interested here is another installment...


In Lord Foul's inner sanctum, the Despiser summons dead Kevin once again.

Kevin: What do yo want now?
LF: Can't we just be friends? The Desecration was 9 thousand years ago....
Kevin: Time has no meaning to the Dead.
LF: Come on, you didn't used to be such a drag. Remember when we were on the Council together? We used to go pick up chicks, start fights with their boyfriends and watch our Bloodguard kick their asses. <SIGH> I miss that...
Kevin: <CHUCKLE> Yea, that was fun. No wait, you're a dick! I remember the time I was trying to score with a hot Woodhelvin, all you had to do was be my wingman and keep her chubby Stonedowner friend company. But noooo, you had to take the good looking one for yourself.
LF: What? She liked my staff more than yours. It's not my fault your staff is shorter than mine. Besides, you got lucky too, the Stonedowner went back to your quarters.
Kevin: Yea, she was pretty freaky too, but that is beside the point. A wingman is a sacred duty, that should have been by my first clue not to trust you. One day the Creator will decide enough is enough and reach through the Arch and end all of this and you...
LF: <LAUGHING HISTERICALLY> You.... don't ... have.. any.. idea... do... you...?
Kevin: What?
LF: The “creator” <makes quote motions with fingers> will never do that.
Kevin: I know, he loves his creation too much.
LF: No, no. that's not it at all.
Kevin: What do you mean?
LF: The “creator” and I used to hang out, kinda like you and I did all those years ago. Well, we decided to play at being mortal in old Thomas Covenant's world. Like you, he had trouble picking up women without me. I was the “closer” while he tagged along like a remora. You would think a freaking god would have more confidence. Anyhow, I hooked up with this woman. I mean smoking hot, smart, and a body that was made for the gods.... Of course, the “creator” was jealous. I figured you would find someone on his own. Well he came up with this idea of creating a world, he starting working on it for a while and then asked me for help one day.
Kevin: You?
LF: Yes, me.
LF: I took one look at his world. It was soooo boring. The world was a 3-D Bob Ross painting! Happy little Gildens, I wanted to puke. So I helped him out. Gave him ideas.
Kevin: Like the Illearth stone!
LF: Yea, that was one. I also suggested the Giants.
Kevin: WHAT!?!?! You have to be kidding.
LF: No, I am not. I said we need some larger than life figures, make them like stone, impervious to heat and cold. He liked that idea.
Kevin: No way!
LF: Way! Except my Giants where BAD-ASS!, like sick tough bastards out of Norse mythology. But no, he had to make them sweet, lovable, and talkative.
Kevin: What about the Haruchai? Your idea?
LF: No, that was his. He was on a diversity kick. He even made them tough after we took a break and went to a drive in to see “Seven Samurai”. But all the other cool stuff. Mine, all mine.
Kevin: So what does this have to do with you being trapped here.
LF: I was getting to that. All this, your world, everything you know was a setup to get my girl.
Keven: NO!
LF: Yes, we were just doing the finishing touches when he “dropped” his happy little Gilden brush. He asked I would go get for him while he started on something else. I said sure. BAM! I look up just in time to see the Arch slam shut. Just as it closed I heard him say “Don't worry, I will look after Jen for you!”
Kevin: Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?
LF: It gets worse. I started getting images of him and Jen, they started out innocent enough but gradually progressed to explicit, including money shots....
Kevin: Harsh...
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Post by dlbpharmd »

I remember the time I was trying to score with a hot Woodhelvin, all you had to do was be my wingman and keep her chubby Stonedowner friend company.
:mrgreen: :haha: :LOLS: :goodpost: :yourock:

Foul refused to fall on the grenade....brilliant!
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Post by Reisheiruhime »

*makes desperate attempt to stifle laughter* Y'all... *giggle* Y'all ain't right... *snorts Dr. Pepper on screen as all attempts of hiding laughter are abandoned... receives odd look from pudgy, senile dog*

:haha: :haha: :haha:
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Post by Edge »

mildly amusing.
Check out my digital art at www.brian.co.za
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Post by Warmark »

mildly hysterical!
But if you're all about the destination, then take a fucking flight.
We're going nowhere slowly, but we're seeing all the sights.
And we're definitely going to hell, but we'll have all the best stories to tell.


Full of the heavens and time.
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MrKABC
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Post by MrKABC »

Great addition IVB!!! Whoohoooo!!! You are still funny as hell... AND NOW... for my mildly funny addition to your series:

LORDS VEREMENT AND SHETRA ARE KICKING BACK IN THEIR ROOM PRIOR TO SHETRA'S VOYAGE TO SEAREACH:

VEREMENT: Here we go again. I don't understand why YOU always have to go on these missions. It's going to be a long three months for me.

SHETRA: Well, you haven't made a move on me for months! All of a sudden, now that I am leaving for Seareach, you get horny.

VEREMENT: Well, if you would make yourself a bit better looking I might hit it more often. After all, you look quite manly with your short, stiff, gray hair. Hell, even Annie Lennox looks more appealing than you do. And for fux sake, can't you go get some better clothes than that lumpy robe? Ya know, there is a reason I left that "Tamarantha's Secret" catalog laying around... Order something, for Creator's sake!

SHETRA: Well look who is talking here. You stomp around like a bitter old man, and you are always pissed at the world. I even tried to cheer you up at the amanibhavam spa several months ago, and even that didn't work. What am I supposed to do?

VEREMENT: I'll bet it's Hyrim isn't it? You just want to spend a couple of weeks with HIM don't you? I'll bet you aren't even going to Seareach... just probably to the local Waymeet 6 for some cheap action. Is that the REAL reason you are going?

SHETRA: Actually, it's because I get double "frequent rider" leagues from the Ranyhyn this turning of the moon. It's a special promotion and if I don't go before the end of this turning of the moon the promotion expires. You know those Ramen, they are such sticklers for program details.

VEREMENT: (sulking) I still think it's Lord Hyrim.

SHETRA: Well, HIS staff works! You seem to have problems wielding YOURS. Can Asuraka the staff-elder help you? Maybe we can get you some aliantha root extract, or vitrim pills or something.

VEREMENT: Damn. Why do you have to tell Asuraka anything? He doesn't need to know about MY problem.

To be continued...
"This is the grace that has been given to you - to bear what must be borne."
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Post by Cmdr_Floyd »

when oh when is the next installments??? :x
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Post by Nerdanel »

TC: So let's check if we are finally, after all this time, ready to kick some Demondim miasma! It's nice for them to have waited so long beyond our gates. Ring... Check! Codpiece... Check! Staff?

Linden: Check!

Liand: Check!

TC: You don't have the Staff, Liand.

Liand: Yes I have... Oh, you mean that other staff.

TC: Tacky belt buckle?

Lytton: It's patriotic, not tacky. I bought it from USA USA USA, the Land of Absolute and Total Perfection catalog.

TC: Everyone else?

People of the Land: Cheque!

TC: Close enough.



Linden: What are the Demondim doing? I can't quite make it out.

Stave: I believe they are "making out".

TC: "Make love, not war..." I wouldn't have expected that of the Demondim. We were going to have a war and then no one came.

The Voice: It appears that the Demondim are coming vigorously and with great pleasure, if you get my drift.

Linden: The Demondim have been misplaced in time. I believe that if we calculated the exact time of their creation, it would coincide with the late sixties in the real world, making the Demondim contemporaries with the hippies.

Hile: Welcome to the party, dudes and dudettes! Take some springwine from the caesure and join in!

TC: Have you no standards? You are snuggling with a sexless Vile-spawn that is wearing a zombie Cavewight!

Hile: Your trouble is that you see with eyes. To my superior blank sockets Sherilyn here appears as a most delectable little five-dimensional rhomboid projection while you are a boring square, Covenant.

Sherilyn: Hile sweetie, you look to me like a geometric series of ellipses arranged in a spiral. Let me brush against your strong and firm coefficients.

Linden: I knew the Demondim were good at lore but I didn't quite expect THAT.

Hile: I see the deeper reality that underlies everything. It is magnificent. Even opening a door involves solving complex and unutterably elegant differential equations.

TC: So that's how you managed to lose all of those battles back when you were alive.
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Post by MrKABC »

Hile: Your trouble is that you see with eyes. To my superior blank sockets Sherilyn here appears as a most delectable little five-dimensional rhomboid projection while you are a boring square, Covenant.
OMG that is FUNNY!!!!!

Working on my next installment to this thread!!!! ;)
"This is the grace that has been given to you - to bear what must be borne."
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Post by lucimay »

ohmygod!!!!! this is hiLARious!!!!! thanks Nerdanel for continuing and bringing it to my attention !!!! just fabulous!!!!


:lol:
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Post by Kerb »

:biggrin: I am amused!!!

An extract from a post I made might go well here...

kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic ... &start=289

Theres an almighty mud fight between Galdriel and Elena, in a pool of hurtloam, whereby both gets healed after each blow. Soon an assortment of males of all intelligent species crowd round, cheering and gambling. Humans, elves, hobbits, orcses, dwarves, giants, stonedowners, lords, healers, haruchai, ramen...

A whole city get built around the ongoing mud-fight with all the trappings of a sleazy city...

After a while a ceasure falls upon Mudfight City, sweeping everyone in its path, except for four who ducks into the mud at the very last moment.

The four emerges, muddy. The two males declare the mudfight a draw, and dedied that a beauty contest should settle the matter.

Both males voted for Galadriel, who being elven, is more beautiful even in hurtloam.

So there we have it, Galadriel wins.

Then the two males begins to fight over the right for her hand in marriage.

The two males are Frodo Baggins and Bannor.
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Post by Kerb »

I have to admit, that having read the Soap from the beginning and laughed all the way, that the introduction of a mud-wrestling match was somewhat improper...

...not the adult nature of mud wrestling...

...but breaking into your story arcs...

...I apologize...

...I will improve on the matter...
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Post by Kerb »

In a suite within Revelstone, with a hole serving for a window. The shutters are open, giving view to a plain where the demondim are gathered.

Hile Troy: I hear a bloody racket coming from the plain, it sounds like loud pop music from afar!
TC (looks out of the window): Hellfire! I believe it not!

He beckons the group to the window, where the hoarde of demondim have pitched thousands of tents, and erected a huge hollow pyramid, and stacks of loudspeakers. A rock festival is in full thump, and the dull booming thud can be heard three miles away.

"Thumpa thump thumpa thump thumpa thump thumpa thump thumpa thump..."

Incessantly. On an and on and on and on...

TC (mouth in rictus): Bloody racket!

Off to one side, there is large crowd, and in the middle a pool of mud have been deposited in the ground.
Linden: They're having a mud bath
Anele: Hurtloam! I can smell it from here!
Stave: There! Theres two people mudfighting! Two women wrestling in the mud!
The Voice: Demondim, though converted to the hippie lifestyle, have not grasped the concept of a beauty contest. Instead, they have grappled with mud wrestling as a contest of strength. Whoever wins gains the right to well, how shall I put it, entwine with as many as she desires.

TC's magic codpiece is pointing, tented, and straining in the direction of the spectacle, with the white gold ring pulsating like a firefly.

Linden: At least you're not pointing at me!

Suddenly the gates open wide and a hoarde of people rush out to join the festival and the mudwrestling. To one side Jeremiah is galloping furiously on a Ranyhyn, towards the spectacle, eager to take ringside seat. Mahmout is walking far behind, her large bulk heaving and panting out of breath.

TC impuslively jumps out of the window and the takes the fastest way down... and forgot that he was 30m above ground. He plunges to the ground and hits it, and leases wild magic just in time to break his fall. But a fraction of a second too late, and he lands clumsily, breaking both his ankles.

Linden grabs the Staff of Law and the group sprints through the corridors, out of the gates, and towards TC. A quick heal from the Staff of Law and TC is right as before.
Linden: Now What??
TC 's giant codpiece is straining in the direction of the mud wrestling.
TC: Where else but go to watch the mudwrestling?

The small group gathers and joins the stragglers who are hying towards the festival and mudwrestling.
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Post by Giant Friend »

IVB wrote:
MrKABC wrote:
Jerico wrote:Love triangle? LOL
"Like sand through the hourglass, these are the days in the Land"

I think i'm gonna be sick :roll:
Well, Liand *was* dropping by Linden's room in Revelstone... ogling her in the form-fitting towels, noting the way her "wheaten tresses" fell across her silky thighs... ;)
Linden: Thomas! I…. I thought you were dead.
TC: I was, but I got better, but that is not important right now. I love you we can be together again.
Linden: I… don’t know what to say… It’s been 10 years… I have been lonely. I am only only human…
TC: What are you trying to say?
Linden: I’ve met someone. <sob> I never meant to hurt you… It’s the land, he was so healthy, and there was hurtloam and alanthia. Before I knew what was happening we were rolling in the grass.
TC: Who is it? Please don’t say Anele…
Linden: No, why would it matter if it was…
TC: No reason….
Linden: What is it… You can lie to me, my healthsense doubles as a BS detector… What is it?
TC: <shuffling uneasily> Right before we left on the Drommond, Hollin and Sunder had an argument… I… comforted her… It was just one time, I swear!
Linden (flaring in rage): You Bastard!
she trikes his face with her open hand.
TC: Now listen Linden, honey...
Linden closes her eyes and starts to summon wild magic
TC: You wouldnt...with my own ring...you would....wouldnt you?
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Post by MrKABC »

PAGING IVB!

PAGING IVB!

PAGING IVB!

Your thread is waiting...
"This is the grace that has been given to you - to bear what must be borne."
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Post by NightBlaze »

Man....This was the BEST reading here I would say....LOL
Why the hell did it stop?????OMG!!!!
¥ NightBlaze ¥
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Post by dlbpharmd »

IVB, where are you?
Image
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Post by MrKABC »

WHAT IF.... ?

High Lord Mhoram had been as concerned about fighting Satansfist as Linden was about the Demondim? Inspired by THOOLAH!

OPENING SCENE: High Lord Mhoram, having just raised the flag on the tower, overlooks samadhi Satansfist's army. Satansfist approaches the tower and calls out to the High Lord:

SATANSFIST: Hello Lordlings! Quit cowering in your warrens and come out here and fight! I'm ready to rock your world with Cavewights, ur-viles, Stone warped creatures, and my Illearth Stone chunk!

MHORAM: yawwwwwn!! I'm too tired today Satansfist! Can't we do this again some other time? I really want to hang out in the Close and rap with the Master's Voice instead of fighting you today. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? Besides, my son Jebediah needs my help, and he's a lot more important than your stupid little army!

SATANSFIST: I'm sending my drones to attack you now! Ware yourself! You will die! Ah, hah hah hah!!!

MHORAM: (ambles off towards a refectory, turning his back on the advancing army) I'm tired. Why doesn't he understand that? I'm too tired! Why, why why? He does this every time! Doesn't he realize that I have THINGS to do, like washing my robe? I can't be bothered with fighting him today. Why can't he get a life? Besides, my son Jebediah needs my help, and he's a lot more important than that stupid little army!

SATANSFIST: (directs his army by waving his Stone, watches with glee as the outer gates are trashed by his army)

MHORAM: He just doesn't understand me. I'm struggling with my inner turmoil right now and I don't have time for him. Besides, my son Jebediah needs my help, and he's a lot more important than that stupid little army! (looks out the window of the refectory and observes the tower crashing down noisily into a cloud of dust and rubble)

SATANSFIST: Ah, hah hah hah!!

MHORAM: I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! Besides, my son Jebediah needs my help, and he's a lot more important than that stupid little army! (covers his eyes and drops his staff to the ground)

SOLDIER: High Lord! Please help us! The Cavewights have breached the... GRAAAAAAAAAGGGG!!! (warrior falls dead with an arrow jutting from his throat)

MHORAM: Oh, see now I have to wash this blood out of my robe... Can't these people see that I am suffering from such internal torment and I need a lot of sympathy? I need a hug. Maybe THAT will make it alllll better. Besides, my son Jebediah needs my help, and he's a lot more important than that stupid little army!

LORD AMATIN: High Lord, the army has entered Revelstone and we will soon fall! Now all we have to do to turn the tide of battle is... ZAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!! (Lord Amatin is instantly fried by a green lightning bolt from the Illearth Stone and vanishes)

MHORAM: But I can't use my staff and the krill at the same time! These aren't two powers made for each other. I can't concentrate. I can't think! I can't do anything! It's not my fault! My wheaten tresses hurt! My slim, abused body hurts! Gibbon na-Mhoram told me baaaaaaaaaaad things that hurt my feelings! I can't! I can't! I can't!!! (High Lord Mhoram starts squealing like a pig, tossing both his staff and the krill to the ground)

(cut to scene of entire promontory of Revelstone collapsing into a large, dusty mass of rubble. Samadhi Satansfist is rubbing his hands in satisfaction.)

SATANSFIST: By the mirth of my master! I thought for a moment he was going to try to have the U.N. call for a cease-fire. Ah, hah hah hah hah hah!!!!

THOOLAH logo on screen - fade to black.
"This is the grace that has been given to you - to bear what must be borne."
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Dirty Whirl
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Post by Dirty Whirl »

Hahahaha
Too bad the bloodguard have left, you could have had mhoram blank out and try to murder bannor
She looked like a crowned vestal, somehow both powerful and fragile, as if she could shatter his bones with a glance and yet would fall from her seat at the touch of a single hurled handful of mud. She daunted him.
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The Dark Overlord
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Post by The Dark Overlord »

unbelievable
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