As the World Burns!!! A Kevins Watch SOAP!

Book 1 of the Last Chronicles of Thomas Covenant

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Post by IVB »

Later that evening Covenant visits Linden in her room. He knocks politely on the door and waits. After a moment Linden answers the door wearing only a robe.

Linden: Did you father any more illigitement children on the way down here?
TC: That would be a real feat of magic and a violation of Law <chuckle>
Linden: What do you want...
TC: We still need to cover some things.
Linden: Sure, come in. hey your Leprosy is gone.
TC: Yea, Hurtloam face pack. The Masters have this divine stylist on staff here. He uses Alanthia shampoo with a hint of Gilden bark.
Linden: You've changed...
TC: Being dead does that to you.
Linden: No, I mean you've CHANGED. A trim goatee instead of your wild prophetic beard. The black silk outfit instead of your jeans and T-shirt. You're not the same man I fell in love with.
TC: Do you think about us?
Linden: yes, I do. I miss you sometimes, but I will say that Liand is a lot of fun. He does not make love like he is worried something will fall off.
TC: We did something wonderful together. We saved a whole world... We can do that again....
Linden: Oh, Thomas.....

The robe falls off her body as they embrace.

5 minutes later, Covenant sneaks out of Linden's room straightening his clothes and pausing at a polished wall hung shield to adjust his hair.
TC: Oh, yea baby. You still got it.

In the shadows, Liand watches as the Unbeliever struts down the hall.
Liand: You will pay for this......
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Post by IVB »

In the Close, the Voice and the Humbled present Covenant with Damelon's Codpiece.

TC: I am glad I talked you guys into letting me have this. It's so big, an elephant trunk could fit in here.
The Voice: According to the runes, Damelon was dubbed “Giant Friend” The scholars have debated this for centuries, the old Lords language is imprecise on this issue. The two possible translations of this word are “Friend of giants” or “Gigantic friend.” Legend has it that Damelon inherited his endowment from Berek. Legend also indicates that Loric was similarly gifted but from the Bloodgaurd memories we know that Kevin was not.
TC: That says a lot. No wonder Kevin was so bitter all the time.
The Voice: He did seem to want to compensate for something. He had to have the fastest Raynhyn.
TC: Let's give this a try.

Covenant touches his ring against the codpiece held in is other hand. Nothing happened.

The Voice: Perhaps you have to wear it, Ur-Lord.
TC: It's worth a try

Covenant straps on the artifact and immediately feels a surge of earth power. His white gold ring burns with argent luminescence that lights the Close.

TC: Sweeeeeet!
The Voice: Yes, but now we have to redo your entire ensemble. We have to find something that goes with hot pink. The Old Lords were powerful, but they had no taste....
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Post by Creator »

Wonderful. What's next. Say NOM with a lisp and get NOM in a dress! :lol:
He/She who dies with the most toys wins! Wait a minute ... I can't die!!!
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Post by IVB »

Far away at the Evil Conservative Industries: Time Corruption Branch a division of Heremburton, Roger Covenant consults with the current CEO Herem, currently inhabiting a skest. Roger watches as his mother hits herself on the temple and a ceasure spins off the assembly line.

RC: The boss is concerned about production, your behind schedule.
Herem: Relax, 'H” is proceeding well.
RC: 'H'?
Herem: The boss has so many plans running concurrently that we have to label them. Because I am in charge of this aspect, it is labeled preparation 'H'. I think the probability of success is high. On the whole, I think it will work.
RC: Yes, preparation 'H' feels good... on the hole.
Herem: How do you plan of getting your father's ring? Your mother's is useless to you at the moment, she refused to give it to you already and corecion renders it powerless. This is why we have her producing falls.
RC: I know, all this I got the in-brief when I was summoned. I will get my father's legacy. After all it is mine, not only am I the first born, I am the only legitiment heir. He is dead, it is mine.
Herem: Then you have not heard, he is alive again.
RC: Well, we will just have to see about that won't we. Do you have any food here. Rogers a hungry.
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Post by IVB »

Back at Revelstone, all the senior players gather in the close. Covenant is sporting Damelon's Codpiece, mentally flipping his wild magic causing is ring to flame on and off.

Linden: I see that you found your trigger.
TC: Yep. pretty cool is'nt it?
Linden: I guess so, but unless you plan on auditioning for the Revelstone Christmas tree this year, can you cut it out? We have work to do.
TC: No problem. <whispers to Linden> Does Liand know about us? He has been giving me dirty looks, its like he wants to kick my ass. I know that look, I have seen it enough from jealous boyfriends and husbands.
Linden: I did not tell him. About earlier. That was a mistake, it will not happen again. We don't need those kinds of complications.
TC: Why?
Linden: Let's just say that it was everything I remembered....

The Voice: It seems that the Demondim have departed for now. Perhaps they sense the wild magic and fled. I have dispatched scouting parties so we will not be surprised if they return. Now, Ur-Lord what shall we do?

TC: We have a number of threats: Lord Foul, The Demondim, The Falls, Kevin's Dirt, My son (present company excluded Anele), and the skurj. So we need to prioritize. Do we go for the low hanging fruit of go right after Lord Foul?

While TC speaks Anele whispers to Liand.
Anele: Why are you so upset with the Unbeliever? I thought you were just using Avery?
Liand: I am, I am pissed that they think they pulled one over on me.
Anele: Good, it means that your “dumb stonedowner” ruse is working. Stick to the plan. Seduce Avery and keep her and Covenant apart.
Liand: I know the plan. It's working, she has only relapsed once so far. It won't happen again.
Anele: Good.

Covenant takes a break and leans over to the Voice.
TC: Liand may have to have that accident after all.
The Voice: So you are back with the Chosen.
TC: Nah, I just wanted to see if I could still get it if I wanted to.
The Voice: I understand, she is not pregnant now is she?
TC: <shrug>who knows. It won't be the first kid I fathered in the Land. And I hope it won't be the last <wink>. Anyhow, Liand is giving me “the look”
The Voice: Yes, we have noticed as well. Just say the word and we shall have one less ignorant Stonedowner to manage.
TC: Not just yet, he may still be useful.
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Post by aliantha »

:haha: "Dumb stonedowner ruse"! :haha:
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Post by IVB »

Deep in the heart of Mt. Thunder, the board of Evil Conservative Industries gathers.

Lord Foul: Welcome all, Turia if you would read the minutes from the last meeting.

The raver reads the minutes.

Lord Foul: First, I would like to welcome our newest consultant, son of my hated enemy: Roger Covenant.

Roger stands to a warm round of applause.

Lord Foul: Now many of you seem concerned about the direction we are going. Let me just recap my reasoning. My last plan was quite naturally perfect; it was a work of art - flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every megalomaniac god like entity. Thus, I redesigned my efforts based on evil world dominating, destructive, organizations from Covenant’s world and to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of my nature. In the past my goals were global in nature but I was narrowly focused geographically. This time, we have global missions. Also in the past, I felt the need to micro-manage my minions. This time I will delegate more and trust to each of your evil, world hating natures to see things through.

Now, to date we have achieved several milestones. Our sub-contracted drilling operations in the pristine north has broken the Durrance. The ice exportation to the Bhrathairealm is turning a nice profit.

We have the Giants bogged down in a number of hotspots scattered around the world.

We have an unprecedented number of Elohim appointed hiding out from their own kind trying to avoid their fates.

And now I have access to white gold.

In light of our recent successes, I have decided to hold an executive retreat for all board members in the lush Lifeswallower resort where the Lurker has personally guarunteed that your every desire will be seen to.
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Post by Baradakas »

Ok, this is too funny! Keep it up, I need more episodes!
"Fortunate circumstances do not equate to high ideals."

"Mostly muffins sir."- My answer in response to the question posed by the officer, "Son, do you have anything on you I should know about?"

His response: "Holy $&!^. He's not kidding! Look at all these muffins!"
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Post by IVB »

Back at Revelstone:

TC: Anele, go get your sod, I want to talk to Foul.
Anele: Yes, Covenant... I mean, dad.
Linden: What do you expect him to say?
TC: I hope to get him reveal more of his plans. When I was Dead I knew everything, now I only have mortal vision.
Liand: Well, we could kill you again so you could tell us....... What? Hey, I am just trying to help here... sheeshe....
Linden: Anyhow, how about you take that off <pointing at the codpiece>. You look ridiculous, and stop pointing it at me. besides the Despiser does not need to know you have it.
TC: I have every right to wear it, I am a “Giantfriend.”
Linden: You're not the only one here...
TC: What?

Just then Anel returns with his roll of sod. After clearing a spot he lays it out and stands on it.

Receptionist: Evil Conservative Industries, an ISO 9000 company, how may I assail you today?
TC: I want to talk to Foul.
Receptionist: I am sorry, the Despiser is unavailable. He and the board are celebrating recent successes at global climate change, mass extinctions, and overall endangerment of the Earth. May I take a message?
TC: No, I'll call back.
Receptionist: Thank you for calling. Would you like to subscribe to our news letter?
TC: No thanks.

Linden: Well, that accomplished a lot.
TC: Let's get back to that “Giantfriend” business. What did you mean?
Linden: You may as well know... It's been 3500 or 10 years now. Back on the drommond after the failure at the one tree, we were on a break. Mistweave was my bodyguard and well, it was getting cold at night with the Dolewind. He kept me warm. Then one night it went further.
TC: Unbelievable! How could you do it!?!?!?!
Linden: Now don't you get all sanctimonious on me! Your not one to talk!
TC: No, I mean “How” did you do it. I just cant see it...
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Post by dlbpharmd »

The ice exportation to the Bhrathairealm is turning a nice profit.
:mrgreen: :haha: :LOLS:
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Post by IVB »

TC: Linden, there's something I have wanted to ask you for a while.
Linden: Yes.
TC: After I died, how did my books do?
Linden: Well, right after you died there was a spike in sales. But then nothing. After a few years several authors seemed to copy your style and everyone compared them to you... If I remember some of the names were Roman Margarita, Namor Gem, Margaret Anmor. Whats wrong? Why are you getting upset?
TC: THAT B!^*H!
Linden: What? Who?
TC: After I defeated Foul and returned to the real world, I was very prolific, I was cranking out a book a month for a while. With the advances in word processing, proofreading and revisions became child's play. I could not flood the market with my books, no money in that. Too much saturation. So I would dole them out to my publisher one every year or so. To keep my name current. You know what happens to authors who don't do that. They end up rehashing old plots 20 years latter to generate some money for retirement or their kids college fund.
TC: Anyhow, when I saw that Foul was going to summon me again I decided not to take any chances with my place in literary history. I gave my only manuscripts to Meg Roman, my attorney.
Linden: My God! The names... I never made the connection. And she did seem to have way too much money for a small town law practice...
TC: Never trust a lawyer... Not even one you are sleeping with.
Linden: WHAT!?!?!?!
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Post by IVB »

TC: I am appaled at the lack of knowledge of Earthpower the people of the Land exhibit.
The Voice: We made our decision based on the information we had availible. We established the No Earthpower Articulation (NEA for short) rule to ensure that no one would have the knowledge or power to commit desecration.
TC: Yes, but all the NEA has accomplished is a Land of idiots...
Liand: Hey! I'm right here!
TC: and further secure the position of power the Masters enjoy!
The Voice: We know what is best for the Land, we suffice. The role of the people of the land is to farm and raise meat products and do what we tell them. We have several lucrative trade deals with a multi-national conglomerate, that bring in finished products to the land to improve everones lives.
TC: What is the name of this organization.
The Voice: Um....<smacks his head>DOH!
TC: Yes?
The Voice: The name of the organization is ECI.
IN UNISON: Evil Conservative Industries!
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Post by onewyteduck »

:Hail: :LOLS:
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Post by MrKABC »

OMG it just keeps getting funnier and funnier!! IVB you are a GENIUS!!!
"This is the grace that has been given to you - to bear what must be borne."
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Post by IVB »

MrKABC wrote:OMG it just keeps getting funnier and funnier!! IVB you are a GENIUS!!!
Thanks, but this is not really that hard to do. It's all stereotype, innuendo, and lowest common denominator humor. I did not even make up Evil Conservative Industries. Check this page out: www.mercuryradioarts.com/site/product?pid=10042
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Post by Insanity Falls »

Hey, it's still brill!
And please, please, please can we have Sheriff Lytton (and his firearm?) in the next episode, as well as Sandy gaping over Jeremiah!
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This is (white) GOLD!

Post by PitchDude »

This thread is even more fun than the trivia thread!

You're really giving Fantasy Bedtime Hour a run for their money!

Keep up the great work.

Jim
Only a person who has truly experienced the consequences of his/her own destructive actions is qualified to evaluate--is, indeed, capable of evaluating--his/her future actions in order to make meaningful choices between destruction and preservation. - SRD
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Post by IVB »

The Voice: Ur-Lord, in response to your concerns about the state of knowledge in the Land we have distributed lomillialor and orcrest and a collection of simple Lore to the people of the Land. We call this package Lore eXtra Protection from Desecration, or Lore XP for short. It is easy to use and limits what people can do with Lore.
TC: How is it going?
The Voice: Well, it is widely used. We even have reports of Liand’s grandmother using it. There are problems. It seems that it is easily corrupted. Within minutes of accessing Earthpower, a person’s work becomes tainted by malicious power apparently coming from ECI and another source. We provide amendments to the Lore to prevent this but the people of the land seem happy with what they have and would rather spend time adding useless cosmetic changes to the High Wood and orcrest. Perhaps Kevin’s Dirt is blinding them to the problem.
TC: You mentioned another source of problems with the Lore..
The Voice: Yes, it seems that there is a small community of Lore users that have remained undetected from us for years. They have been hiding out in old Waynhim tunnels developing Lore on their own. In this underworld they have created something that they call Open Lore. They say that Lore wants to be free and are arrogant. The learned Lore on their own and insist that their Lore is better than Lore XP and seek to subvert it.
TC: Is it better?
The Voice: It is powerful, and can do more than Lore XP, but it is cryptic and difficult to use. Also we have no control over what can be done with Open Lore. These self styled “Lords” in their twisted underworld are elitists and refuse to help the uninitiated, calling then “noobs.”
TC: These guys could help us, where can we find the Lords of the underworld?
The Voice: We shall start looking, rumor has it that the current High Lord is Lord Timothy.
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Post by ur-James »

And what of those that use the lomilliar in conjunction with the fruit trees, thus obtaining Lore that is, for the most part, free from the corruption of Lore XP, whilst maintaining a relationship with those of Open Lore, creating a "best of both lores" situation? Albeit, this Lore can only access a small percentage of Earthpower, but it is clean Earthpower, nonetheless.


What, I have to represent my fellow Mac users! :lol:

This is great stuff, IVB, keep it up!

James
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Post by CovenantJr »

But...but...this Lore restriction is forcing the people of the Land to hax0r trees down to make fire :P
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