I was alone

[Khaliban]

I was alone
For fifty-four years
Born in solitary confinement
Never a moment of friendship
Or connection
Or love
On the outside looking in
With my family
Never joy or happiness
When they did well
When they celebrated
When they laughed
I couldn't share
Never sorrow
Or grief
Or tears
When one of them died
My cousin
At twelve
Her brother
At forty-nine
Our grandmother
At ninety-three
I look at them
My parents
My aunts and uncles
My siblings
Perhaps
And I know
I will feel nothing
Asperger's
Thirty-six
When I finally learned the term
Found the answer
Could stop feeling guilty
That I couldn't feel
At fifty-four
I was at peace with it
Then you
Luck
Happenstance
A loophole
I cheated
Without knowing it
I had one chance
Ever
In my entire life
To do what I did
Forty years
To sneak past Asperger's
Without it noticing
Bit by bit
Drop by drop
You made your way around the damage
You made it past the Wall
That locks me in
And locks everyone else out
The Wall
The isolation
The emptiness
The itch you cannot scratch
Punished for nothing
For being born a little wrong
I couldn't laugh
I couldn't love
I couldn't hurt
Not the way your kind does it
So easily
Until you
Until every day was pain
And grief
And sorrow
And longing
And love
Until every day
Was about you
Be careful what you wish for
But that's not fair
The pain
Might be all I ever have
But it is better
Than the emptiness
A life
Filled
With pain
A heart
Filled
With sorrow
And grief
And agony
And love
The insane
Impossible
Unbelievable
Success
I am in love with you
All my days are yours
If you ever want them
If you ever see this
If you ever understand
What you did
What it means
I love you
Always
And forever