Born into this life October 10, 1963
Called home to Heaven January 2, 2010
Dear, sweet Tracie, mi alasharia la shantih, shantih.
Tracie, herself, set the format for this. For her, though, it seems ridiculously inadequate. Part of me wants to write a whole lot more than I have. Difficult to tell how long I could go on. But I don't want to make it too long for everyone to read, so I'll stop with what I have now.
What a loss the Watch has suffered. Nobody has been a bigger part of our lives here, and few have come close. The Watch and I will miss you forever. We would not be who and what we are if we had not known you, and we will not be the same without you.
As Don said, it's all cliches. Perhaps the most appropriate cliche is this:
And the glory of the world becomes less than it was.
But Tracie would strongly oppose this being about tears and sorrow and loss. (She'd also oppose me applying that quote to her. Tough luck, Tracie. I'm doing it anyway. It's appropriate, and that's that.) Fortunately, there is so much beauty to celebrate.
Tracie's work fighting against AIDS is the stuff of legend. Working to help spread information about the disease, through her work at World AIDS Days, for example, is just a part of it. What she's done in the personal realm is beyond that. Adopting AIDS babies from South Africa; helping others adopt more; adopting the children of a woman she knew who died from AIDS; bringing Isaiah and Alex to her home - to their home - so they could end their lives the way everybody's lives are supposed to be all along...
Of course, it was never enough for her, eh? She was so sad about Alex. So sad and frustrated that she couldn't have gotten to him sooner. I had to explain things to her. Tracie and Russ met in the second grade. She has been with the love of her life, basically, her entire life! And she was supported by families - both the one she was born into, and the one she gave birth to - quite unlike most of us have known. She had a charmed life! If quality is more important than quantity, nobody ever had a better life than Tracie.
Odd as it seems, these things made her ignorant. Tracie didn't know what loneliness felt like. Isn't that amazing??? Tracie was loved, in every way a human can be loved, every day of her life! This means she didn't know the fullness of what she did for Alex and Isaiah. She never felt the pains they felt. She read about it, and saw it in movies, but she didn't know what it was. She never went through the pain and rage that many of us have felt all too often. I certainly never felt all the pains Isaiah and Alex felt, neither physical nor emotional, but I understand things Tracie couldn't. I told her what it was like for them when she found them. I told her what happens when love comes into a life that didn't have it. Something she didn't know anything about. The rage, the despair, the ache that threatens to rip your chest open... They simply vanish. They're gone, just like that. And when they're gone, they never existed! Sure, I can remember such things. I can talk about them on an intellectual level. But they are no part of my life. And the wider and deeper pains of Alex and Isaiah were erased from existence by Tracie. Their hearts and minds were smiling and laughing and crying in joy. That's how they met their deaths. In the best possible state a person can. Going out of this world on the best possible terms.
Because of Tracie.
She saved their lives. They could have lived their lives, right up to the very moment they ended, knowing it should have been more than it was. Cursing the joys anyone else felt. The joys they were entitled to, but denied. Their last moment of conscious thought could well have been bitter, hateful tears. But they weren't. The last thoughts of their lives were of love, and family. They died in the way all people should.
Because of Tracie.
And there's the Watch's Tracie. Furls Fire joined eight months after I did. So I've known her almost six and a half years. It's not possible to think of the Watch without thinking of her. Our long-running debate about Kevin and Mhoram, alone, took up countless hours of my time! But, with everyone else, we explored everything about Covenant that can be explored. What a joy for all of us to be able to talk about it with someone who loved it as much as we all do, and who's put so much thought into it all. Tracie's mind was a delight! (Maybe a bit stubborn, though...
)And early on (I didn't realize it was barely a month after she joined that I talked her into it.) she posted a story she wrote: The Creed. It's been years now since I read it, so, in ways, it'll be like new to read it again. But I know I was very impressed with her ideas, and her style.
It is, of course, impossible to write about Tracie without writing about her faith. To not do so would only show that the writer barely knew her at all. Tracie's faith was beyond anybody's I've ever known. Actually, she never revealed all of her thoughts and experiences. In the last couple weeks she was telling more than ever. But she knew she was unique, and didn't want everybody to think she was schizo. (Her word.) Just days ago, I said:
Worst case scenario is you're someone with many different personalities, several of which have mental and emotional problems. But I love the one named Tracie!
Actually, it's kind of amusing that she and I got along so well. We couldn't be farther apart in faith. Hers was absolute. Pure. It was every fiber of her being. I, on the other hand, have none. Literally none. But the things we agreed on were more important than the things we saw differently. And we didn't care about the differences. I couldn't base my beliefs on her experiences. Nor did I ever, just because I never had any experiences like hers, assume they were not just as she described them. But I didn't care either way. Her path gave her a view of life that I thought was glorious. She seemed to think much the same about me.
Not that I could ever hold a candle to her. She was a crusader. She tried to make her view a reality for the world. Jesus told her to go out there and save the world. And she did it! She saved lives. And every life she saved is a world! An entire universe! Tracie, you did more than anyone I know. You did yourself proud! Your family smiles, and says, "That's my Mom." "That's my wife." And nobody was ever prouder to say those things, or had better reason to be.
Tracie, you've been one of the best friends I ever had. I love you.
TRACIE, HAIL!
