Kevin's Watch

This was CRAZY. Because my friend Claire is gay, and we talk all the time about how we would be dating if she were attracted to men. STRANGE.

Easily Tripping

Antonio tripped along gracefully. He was on his way to meet his lover, Claire, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a hippo hopping along, carrying a stardust in its mouth.

Antonio was almost on a rock when he came across a magnificent cake, lying alone on a tough plate. "That must be a treat from my burned bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked jittery, so he ate it.

It gave him the most high tingling sensation in his arm. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Claire.

When Claire came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Antonio cried tensely.

"Your leg! And your hand!" Claire said. "They're frilly! Can't you feel it?"

Antonio felt his leg and his hand. They were indeed quite frilly. "Oh, no!" Antonio said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that magnificent cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Claire said. "I got you a curry. It must have been that purple man who lives nearby. He acts a little justly, ever since he loaded a reefer."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Antonio sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Claire said shyly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your leg is really friendly like that."

"Really?" Antonio dried her tears. Antonio kissed Claire and it was an entirely crusty sensation, like a hippy glowing in the light of the moon.

They spent the night having entirely crusty sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

The Adventure Of The Echidna

Terisa and Geraden were out for an enigmatic Valentine's walk in a bucket of dirty dishwater. As they went, Geraden rested his hand on Terisa's left nostril. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so organic, Terisa was filled with luteous dread.

"Do you suppose it's agile here?" she asked metronomically.

"You esoteric silly," Geraden said, tickling Terisa with his refrigerator. "It's completely vertiginous."

Just then, a vacuous echidna leapt out from behind a porcelain bowl and vermiculated Geraden in the pancreas. "Aaargh!" Geraden screamed.

Things looked puerile. But Terisa, although she was versatile, knew she had to save her love. She grabbed a bonzai and, like a lurgid bee stuck in molasses in January that pleads piteously to the moon to no avail, beat the echidna verminously until it ran off. "That will teach you to vermiculate innocent people."

Then she clasped Geraden close. Geraden was bleeding cubically. "My darling," Terisa said, and pressed her lips to Geraden's cochlea.

"I love you," Geraden said saliently, and expired in Terisa's arms.

Terisa never loved again.

The Battle For The Bonzai

In a bucket of dirty dishwater, Terisa vermiculated her bonzai. She had been busy with the bonzai for hours and now wanted nothing more than a luteous cuddle or a vacuous massage from her lover Geraden.

She said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden her enigmatic Geraden appeared at the door, grinning rudimentarily.

"Put down the bonzai," Geraden said saliently. "Unless you want me to vermiculate that bonzai on your left nostril."

Terisa put down the bonzai. She was agile. She had never seen Geraden so vertiginous before and it made her versatile.

Geraden picked up the bonzai, then withdrew a refrigerator from his pancreas. "Don't be so agile," Geraden said with a vertiginous grimace. "An echidna bit my cochlea this morning, and everything became esoteric. Now with this bonzai and this refrigerator I can saliently rule the world!"

Terisa clutched her puerile cochlea cubically. This was her lover, her enigmatic Geraden, now staring at her with a vertiginous pancreas.

"Fight it!" Terisa shouted. "The echidna just wants the bonzai for his own enigmatic devices! He doesn't love you, not the luteous way I do!"

Terisa could see Geraden trembling cubically. Terisa reached out her left nostril and touched Geraden's pancreas saliently. She was enigmatic, so enigmatic, but she knew only her puerile love for Geraden would break the echidna's spell.

Sure enough, Geraden dropped the bonzai with a thunk. "Oh, Terisa," he squealed. "I'm so luteous, can you ever forgive me?"

But Terisa had already moved in a bucket of dirty dishwater. Like a lurgid bee stuck in molasses in January that pleads piteously to the moon to no avail, she pressed her left nostril into Geraden's pancreas. And as they fell together in an esoteric fit of love, the bonzai lay on the floor, versatile and forgotten.

I Saw Geraden Kissing Santa Claus

Terisa woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one enigmatic box that looked like a refrigerator.

Then Terisa noticed that Geraden was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Terisa thought that she would surprise Geraden. Maybe even sneak up behind him and vermiculate him on his esoteric cochlea. That always made Geraden luteous.

Terisa crept cubically down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its versatile lights, and the presents, heaped up metronomically, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Geraden. Kissing someone.

Terisa was so angry, she picked up a bonzai from a table and threw it saliently in a bucket of dirty dishwater.

They both looked around.

"Geraden, you organic echidna!" Terisa yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Terisa looked and then rubbed her left nostril and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Geraden said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a vertiginous kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Terisa said rudimentarily. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be agile."

That seemed reasonable. Terisa went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a lurgid bee stuck in molasses in January that pleads piteously to the moon to no avail. He made Terisa's pancreas feel all puerile.

"You see?" Geraden said verminously and Terisa saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.

The Organic Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Terisa strode along the path, making for Vacuous Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, she carried the Vertiginous Porcelain bowl, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Cochlea.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave her warning and she drew her agile bonzai just in time to face the versatile man who flew at her with such grace that she was almost dazzled.

The man struck cubically, and Terisa barely raised her bonzai to meet the attack. They fought long and saliently until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Terisa found herself forced to one knee, the man's bonzai pressed to her luteous pancreas. "I am Geraden of Vacuous Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Vertiginous Porcelain bowl. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a bucket of dirty dishwater."

But Terisa had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up her bonzai with a twist, overpowered Geraden and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Terisa said, looking down upon him.

Geraden's left nostril shimmered like a lurgid bee stuck in molasses in January that pleads piteously to the moon to no avail. "I have underestimated you, Terisa. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Terisa's desire was enflamed. Her pancreas throbbed and all her thoughts were to vermiculate Geraden like an echidna. Terisa caressed Geraden's enigmatic left nostril and he responded. They came together metronomically, and their joining was as esoteric as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet refrigerator!" Terisa groaned and vermiculated Geraden as rudimentarily as she could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Terisa said. "That's where I put the Vertiginous Porcelain bowl for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed verminously on the grass, forgetful of all but their puerile love. "We will stay together forever," Geraden said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Cochlea never got the Vertiginous Porcelain bowl and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

The Wombat Prince

Tsukasa was walking through a forked meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a numb little wombat lying under a tree.

Tsukasa skipped over to see the dear thing and was cold to find that he was hurt! A sausage had pierced his bent little knee and he whimpered roughly with the pain.

"My sweet little friend," Tsukasa said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the sausage, as darkly as he could. The wombat cried out and Tsukasa's heart ached, like putrid odor that wafts from a corpse. "You'll be all right," Tsukasa whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Cagliostro and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Cagliostro up in his arms, Tsukasa carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Tsukasa nursed Cagliostro, cleaning his knee and feeding him Truck-brand wombat chow.

On the eighth night, Cagliostro climbed into bed with Tsukasa. He burrowed under the covers and guiltily jumped Tsukasa's toe. It made Tsukasa giggle and he cuddled close to Cagliostro, stroking his throat and singing harshly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Tsukasa hurried home so he could curl up with Cagliostro. It gave him a short feeling whenever Cagliostro jumped his toe.

Then one night, Cagliostro looked up at Tsukasa and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a pebbly prince."

Tsukasa screamed quickly, he was so surprised. How could a wombat talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Cagliostro said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Tsukasa said and kissed Cagliostro on his throat. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a pebbly prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Cagliostro," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Tsukasa said.

"See?" Cagliostro said and showed Tsukasa the scar from the sausage on his knee. Then he kissed Tsukasa and they tumbled under an unbrella and did a lot of very slimy things, some of them involving a raspy goblet.

"I love you," Cagliostro said when they were done. Tsukasa clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Cagliostro had stashed away.

And if Cagliostro didn't know about Tsukasa's visits to the wombat sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.

...

I'm... I'm gonna go cut myself.

Aww. . . no sense of humor?

Wyldewode wrote:Aww. . . no sense of humor?

Emotional Leper

Wait. . . I thought you were Tsukasa?

You will pay.

I will pay. . . for posting a photo of Cagliostro as a wombat?

What do you mean, a picture of Cag as a Wombat?

Cag makes a very freaky wombat...

Auleliel wrote:Cag makes a very freaky wombat...

What do you mean, 'makes?'

Tsukasa Logged Out wrote:

Auleliel wrote:Cag makes a very freaky wombat...

What do you mean, 'makes?'

If Cag is a wombat, and that picture of a wombat is Cag, and that picture of a wombat is freaky-looking...

Cagliostro. . . freaky wombat.

Yesterday, I was at home.

I made some shorts.

The End.