Kevin's Watch

I once had a monkey, but it escaped into another dimension where it established a race of intelligent apes that fought against Charlton Heston and scantily clad human females.

I like cats because...

I like cats because... it is unlikely they will escape to another dimension and evolve to become super-intelligent cats fighting Charlton Heston.

Dear sir, is that an umbrella in your trousers, or are . . .

Dear sir, is that an umbrella in your trousers, or are you just hiding a large tumorous growth that perhaps should be looked at by a specialist?

Dear madam, I wish to inform you that...

Dear madam, I wish to inform you that...
I am NOT the specialist that can help your husband.
(But I DID stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.)

Dear John,
By the time you read this letter, I will be...

Dear John,
By the time you read this letter, I will be sipping poorly made Pina Coladas at a tropical island resort wearing a bad hawaiian outfit and passive-aggressively threatening to shut down the island, mostly because I am devastated by the loss of one great stapler.

My job is the kind of job that...

My job is the kind of job that...
...nobody else really would want to have.
(Whimps!)

The thing I hate the most about tomatoes is...

The thing I hate most about tomatoes is you can never trust them to remain a tomato. You look away, and suddenly it is ketchup, or salsa, or soup, or spaghetti sauce. I find it all very unnerving.

The most disturbing thing about dryer lint is....

The most disturbing thing about dryer lint is the face it makes as you are throwing it away.

Instead of throwing away all that dryer lint, why not...

Instead of throwing away all that dryer lint, why not weave it into little baskets, and give them away as Christmas gifts?

What I really want for Christmas, is...

...for someone to explain this odd rash between my toes. Which reminds me, when you cut your toenails....

Which reminds me, when you cut your toenails, do you save the clippings to use as toothpicks, or is it just me?

Speaking of clippings, I wish that...

Speaking of clippings, I wish that I had a few finger and toe nail clippings from my exboss so I could hex him to eternal diarrhea, head lice, and an irritating itchy rash in a private area....


There are only a very few people who deserve...

There are only a very few people who deserve...

...to receive the infamous "ChoChiyo Curse".
But apparently, HER ex-boss is one who does deserve it!
(Sorry about the err I made earlier, Cho.)

It is really embarrassing when...

It is really embarrassing when you're are walking down the street and some nasty minded little alien comes along and vaporizes your clothing. Especially at this time of year when it can be down right nippy outside!

The danged space aliens....

The danged space aliens....
Keep probing me everytime I get abducted.
AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS!!!!

Deep space travelling makes me...

Deep space travelling makes me...
long for light space travelling.

Speaking of light space travelling, what....

Speaking of light space travelling, what....

...do the space-travel agency mean by:
"too much weight for the overhead compartment."?
The trunk will only be 40 kgs on the moon!!!

Shopping for the holidays always...

Shopping for the holidays always gives me the nearly irresistable urge to plunge a long sharp object, such as a screwdriver, into my eye.

The resulting mess would...

The resulting mess would not be pretty.

But at least...

But at least...

It gives me a reason to buy a screwdriver.

Speaking of screwed, I was at this bar....