As a counterpoint to one of SRD's brilliantly-portrayed selfless main character in one of his short stories, [1] I give you… THIS GUY:
Mike, Gabe and I are about to pull off the
prank of the century, could be of the
millennia, given what I know…
This
grave-robbing is gonna be fr-ckin' famous, I'm tellin' you. And we're doing it in broad daylight. How's that for ballsy, y'know?
This tomb is LOADED, man. Gold and jewels are complete cr-p compared to what WE'RE going for today.
This is gonna be monumental. Watershed. I can't believe I got the call to be in on this, actually.
I bet someone "up on high" noticed my past performance record, and was like, "We need this guy for the job."
Okay, we're in the tomb now… this body's been in here for like DAYS.[2] Disgusting. I can't believe they even walk around with these things on
before they're even expired. Whatever.
Apparently the sister of "the deceased" is whining about something. Okay, wow, she's actually trying to pin the blame on the Boss or some sh--.[3] Humans always asking their "what if?" questions and cr-p… So the chick is talking and she just SAAAAID, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day."[4] So she
knows that - that should be the end of the story. So what the… I mean, that's not good enough for her? So she's gotta wait a few decades till she's over the hill and kicks the old bucket herself and joins him. What's the big deal? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it'll be no time till she cashes in her chips… I just don't get humans.
Wait, Gabe just said the Boss was crying… what? Okay, I think Gabe's lying or mistaken - I didn't hear anything unusual! (for people mourning, at least) I can't see what the Boss would think the big deal is; I mean,
he knows all about The Big Sleep. Actually.. wait… I hadn't really thought about this, but the Boss has really been acting differently these past couple of years. It's like he's one of THEM.[6] Maybe he's weak too. Gettin' soft. Guess that's what happens when you walk around for too long in a big sack of flesh that's gonna assume room temperature some day!
Oh well. We ARE gonna have quite the audience out there. People have been hanging out with this guy's family ever since he bit the dust. Trying comfort them and whatever.[7] Okay, that giant stone rolling in its track is fr-cken loud. But it's our cue! Gabe's telling me to get ahold of this guy, and… oh, I hear the Boss this time:
"Lazarus, come forth!"
Appendix I - English-language Idioms.
"bit the dust" - died
"over the hill" - old
"kick the bucket" - to die
"the big sleep" - death
"cash in ones chips" - to die
"assume room temperature" - to die
Appendix II - References.
(Spoilered because I think it would be more fun to not know until the end.)
1. "Unworthy of the Angel," short story by Stephen R. Donaldson.
2. The Gospel of John, The Holy Bible, chapter 11, verse 17.
3. Ibid, chapter 11, verse 21.
4. Ibid, chapter 11, verse 24.
5. Ibid, chapter 11, verse blah.
6. The Letter to the Philippians, chapter 2, some verse.
7. Do I have to write "The Gospel of John" out here again?, chapter 11, verse something.
8. Ibid, chapter 11, verse i-dont-wanna-look-it-up.