Kevin's Watch

Mom, from 10/22/04 wrote:Wow!! A whole year! I've said this before. I am just amazed at how this thread has grown. How my brother can still touch people's lives and hearts with his presence. And how, even after his passing, his work continues. He alone brought Isaiah to us, because without this thread, Isaiah would have remained silent and passed on in fear and lonliness. He would not have known the love of all of us.

I am sorry that it has been so long since I posted an entry in here. Life has been very difficult these last few weeks. And it doesn't promise to get any less crazy with World AIDS Day approaching again. Hopefully, I'll have some time this weekend to finish RUNES and post another entry in here.

One more thing I would like to say....

God bless all of you who come here and gain joy, peace and yes, even healing, from Stephen's life. This is what he meant his life to be. He dedicated it to do God's work...he dedicated his life to helping others. And he's still doing it.

Peace

She posted that when Uncle Steve's thread was just a year old. And what she said there now holds true for this thread. If Mom and Uncle Steve can inspire and bring peace to those who come here, then their work lives on. I am sure she is smiling. God bless you all.

I'm going to try and post an entry in the next few days or so. Life has been quite chaotic lately and I haven't had much of a chance to actually sit down at the computer.

Hope everyone is well and happy.

Written a couple of days before her last Christmas with us...

Love prevails...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:42 am

So much, so little, so it happens again. The fight lost, the will to go on fails. Inside, the hurt crushes. Outside, the weight of the world falls. This time, I have no strength to crawl out from under the mounds. All around me, darkness. All around me, pain. I see nothing, hear nothing…oh but I feel. Sweet mercy, agony. Agony. Deep, insatiable, devouring, endless…agony. Endless. All that is me wants to curl up and hide from it. Be away from it. Toss it aside and pretend it never mattered. All this of me hurts. When a heart breaks, it breaks into bits, shards, crystallized fibers that remain unseen until stepped on and buried deep within bleeding flesh. So it happens again.

It happens again. The hour is late, or early, depending on which time controls the mindset. No rest comes, the heart is broken. The bleeding spills over all of me. Not even the peace of the Mountain consoles this. So much, too much, this time. I see snow falling, falling, falling…it seeks to bury us. Maybe the cold will staunch the flow. Maybe the grey will hide the sorrow. Maybe the winter will envelope me, freeze me, turn me to ice. At this time, I’d consider a frozen existence to rid me of the pain.

This pain! Coursing through me. Leveling me flat against the backdrop of the loss. Like the weight of a million dead souls collapsed over me. This pain suffocates, this pain grips the bloodied heart and squeezes it dry. This pain slowly, methodically, kills.

Or tries too.

I watch the snow fall. Deep into winter, the Mountain, seems to sigh under the heavy blanket. I sense it watching me. I feel it try to soothe me. It has lived long. Its ancient presence understands loss, agony, grief. Ah, now we come to it. Grief. The pain has a name. Grief. Deep grief. Lonely grief. The Mountain knows it. Oh, how it knows! It breaths the grief in as we expel it, holds us up as we sink, as I sink down below the surface. It breathes life into me when I cannot inhale for myself. Yet, I know, it will not breathe for me forever. This fight fails. This will end me. End me here.

Russell stirs beside me. His eyes open and he smiles over at me. With all there is, with all there ever was, with all the breaking and bleeding, my heart still limps to life whenever he looks into my eyes. And if this is to be my end, then it will be a glorious end. For, above all the grief, all the pain, love prevails.

Love prevails.

Indeed. Love prevails...

Yet again, I am inspired and humbled by Tracie's strength, humanity, and faith. So many times she had been through this...being the stave holding up someone being pulled down by this inexorable process, keeping their steady gaze on the promise of what lay beyond the more immediate end.

So clearly we now feel how it was for her to walk that path...and how she still kept her eyes on what it really meant and what mattered above all.

Hail!

My wedding day draws closer, and as it does I'm missing my Mom so profoundly. How I wanted her with me for this most important day of my life. To help me plan, to share in all its beauty and joy. I keep telling myself that she is with me, and that she wouldn't want me to dwell on her absence, but it's so hard....

Russell stirs beside me. His eyes open and he smiles over at me. With all there is, with all there ever was, with all the breaking and bleeding, my heart still limps to life whenever he looks into my eyes. And if this is to be my end, then it will be a glorious end. For, above all the grief, all the pain, love prevails.

Epic love stories and movies have been written that have less feeling than those few sentences. I am humbled by her ability to articulate things so well.

My wedding day draws closer, and as it does I'm missing my Mom so profoundly. How I wanted her with me for this most important day of my life. To help me plan, to share in all its beauty and joy. I keep telling myself that she is with me, and that she wouldn't want me to dwell on her absence, but it's so hard....

I KNOW that she will be at your wedding..... watch for her.. she will be there.

hugglesssssssss to you, Brooke. Not an easy time.

Hello Everyone. Been a while since I logged in here. Life has been moving forward. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Other times, I become fully awake.

Brooke and Myles were married Wednesday, on Stephen's birthday. It was a happy day. We all felt Tracie's presence, we even saw her. We all felt Stephen's presence as well. Then, the doves came, flew right into the chapel, and as before, all the cameras lost their batteries. They perched themselves on the small alter as I led Brooke down the aisle and gave her hand to Myles. They then flew to the back of the chapel and rested on top of the open doors. Four of them.

Brooke was beautiful, she wore her mother's wedding dress, and Myles wore my tux. They are in Hawaii now for their honeymoon.

And me? Well, I've been watching home video of Tracie's and my wedding. I've been looking through the wedding album. And I'm missing her so much.

I read the entry about when I first brought her up here to the mountain. I remember at the time, that she didn't want to leave the bay area because of Stephen. She wanted to be close to him. I persuaded her, after much cajoling on my part, to at least look at the house and the mountain. I admit, I badgered her quite a bit until she finally gave in and said "Okay, I'll go look at it...but I'm not leaving Stephen." Well, we all know how it turned out.

Memories are good things.

God bless.

Russ

Mazel Tov Fire Daughter and Myles!
I hope we will be able to see pictures soon.

Harley Guy wrote:Then, the doves came, flew right into the chapel, and as before, all the cameras lost their batteries. They perched themselves on the small alter as I led Brooke down the aisle and gave her hand to Myles. They then flew to the back of the chapel and rested on top of the open doors. Four of them.

Was there ever any doubt this would happen?

From my campsite between La Pine and Bend, I echo the Mazel Tov above. I look up to the Sisters and raise my glass to the future of Brooke and Miles, to the memory of Tracie, and to the ongoing well-being of Russ and the entire family. May the L-rd protect and defend you!

One question: Was there anything notable that little Stevie had to say during these joyous proceedings?

Congratulations to Brooke, Myles, and the whole family. Wishing all of you all the happiness you may claim.

Congrats and happiness always, Brooke and Myles.

And Russ, congrats to you as well.

Cambo wrote:Congratulations to Brooke, Myles, and the whole family. Wishing all of you all the happiness you may claim.

Seconded!

And good to see you poking around in here Russ! I was not surprised to hear that everyone was at the wedding.

Congratulations Brooke and Myles! And it is good to see you here, Harley Guy.

Thanks for the story, Harley Guy / Russ.

Congratulations to Brooke and Myles!

(And wow, sounds like you're dealing pretty honestly and wisely with your grief.)

Thank you everyone!

Myles and I had a beautiful wedding and reception. I'll be setting up an online album soon and will post a link to it here so you all can see the pictures. I hope I can get it up before we had back to school.

We all felt Mom's presence. I could feel her arms around me and could hear her whispering my name. As Dad said, I wore her dress and I felt her hands adjusting it while I was putting it on. I could smell her perfume. She was with me.

When I came down the stairs and met Dad at the bottom so he could escort me out to the chapel I said to him. "Mom's here." Stevie looked up at me and said, "Brookie, she is everywhere all the time, and she is smiling."

BTW, 8 years ago today my mother registered here on KW.

SD, how long are you going to be in LaPine?

Sorry to say, it appears we will miss the opportunity to meet, much like what happened in January and in June. We break camp and head back to the Seattle area this morning.

What is apparently not yet meant to be may still happen when the time is right. For now, I pay my respect to your mother from here, and look forward to your online album.

Dad, Myles and the older boys are all down in Redmond today helping with a Habitat for Humanity house. Grams, Heidi and I are heading to Bend to do some back to school shopping with the younger kids, probably take them to see a movie too.

It'll happen when it's supposed too. I'm sure of that.

About June and Elohimfest, according to my very wise and special little brother, we were never meant to get all the way to NM. What I never revealed was that while we were in the hotel in Ogden, Stevie began talking to a little girl who told him that her stepfather was hurting her. Long story cut very short, we called the police and it turns out he had been molesting her since he met her mother when she was 2. When we were looking for a place to spend the night, Stevie had insisted on the hotel that we stayed, saying that Mom told him we needed to be there. Also, we later heard that the slimeball had molested other children as well.

Stevie on the plane: "I knew the car would break down. But, we had to take it. It was supposed to do that when we got to Ogden. I had to help Alicia."

7 years old and he is already helping those in need. Definitely his mother's son.

Fire Daughter wrote:About June and Elohimfest, according to my very wise and special little brother, we were never meant to get all the way to NM. What I never revealed was that while we were in the hotel in Ogden, Stevie began talking to a little girl who told him that her stepfather was hurting her. Long story cut very short, we called the police and it turns out he had been molesting her since he met her mother when she was 2. When we were looking for a place to spend the night, Stevie had insisted on the hotel that we stayed, saying that Mom told him we needed to be there. Also, we later heard that the slimeball had molested other children as well.

*dumbstruck*


Bless you guys.