Kevin's Watch

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:13 am**

I slap round the head for Jenn. Then a hug. Then another BIG slap if you start calling yourself crazy again, or start thinking about bridges. (By the way, of course you know who you are. It's no big secret just because you may not be able to put it into words. As Av said, you are you, and always will be. And if you need something more than that, you're the lady who this random nobody on the other side of the world thinks is just great.

)

The same actions, and sentiments, for Linna.

Seareach, sorry to hear that. If you read my last post, I went through something similar recently, albeit I was more removed from the actual event than you were. It sure makes you somber, huh?

I agree with all the calls for blunt smoking. I swear I got depressed way less frequently when I was smoking. To quote someone entirely predictable:

Bill Hicks wrote:"Shut up and smoke this!"
*puff*"Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously. Haha!"

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:27 am**

I have the song "Helena" by My Chemical Romance stuck in my head. It's an alright song, but the lyrics make no sense. It's pretty irritating.

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 11:40 am**

So do I, now!

Love the mod squad

Here's one that reminds me of the mod squad, on a cake : (hmmm, I have a milestone birthday coming up - have to look up a good cake decorator...

)

I just finished Dry July - which is no drinking alcohol for the month of July. It has been a positive experience and allowed me to try to redefine my habits. Whether I can keep to them remains to be seen...

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:28 pm**

Jenn, you are STUCK. I know STUCK when I see it, I live STUCK. And being STUCK can lead to depression. I may not respond to every post you write but I read every post you write and sister, you are STUCK. Feeling trapped, caged, boxed in, however you want to call STUCK can be a slippery slope. When you don't know where you are heading, you don't see a future. When you don't see your future you become depressed. So yes, I think you are depressed. In my very humble opinion I think you have what is called Situational Depression aka Adjustment Disorder. So yes, I think you should see a therapist. Just to help you with looming changes in your life. When artists are suffering from writers block there are therapists that work specifically with writers block. You are no different. You are blocked. Take care of it, see someone short term to help you unstick. If you stay in this state you will only feel worse. Take a chance.

Or you can always do what I did, which in itself is a form of therapy. Back up those belongings and DO mail them to your sister, fill up your backpack with the necessities and go explore. Travel. See the world. I did that, and let me tell you, it was better than therapy and waaaay cheaper.

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 2:55 pm**

Thanks, sarge and cambo... thanks, people! I am happy to say I have a counseling appt. tomorrow. I think I'm looking fwd to it a lot.

YOU TOO!
you have to obey me for i am the mod.

lol, lucimay... you're funny. I have enough distrust of myself that I don't want to open that door to that at this point in my life, lol.
The sentiment of "I want you to feel better NOW" is sweet, though!

About what you said about alcohol, reminds me of something I'd been thinking about coffee... I'm pretty sure it increases anxiety; but like a slave to the coffeemaker, I want to go get/make more precisely when I'm feeling anxious. One day I was like "What the heck am I doing?!?!"

Stevie G- "Dry July"? That sounds interesting.. didja save a bunch of $?

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:29 pm**

Linna -- good for you. Hope your appointment goes well (or at least is helpful).

Jenn -- what lorin said. But I see in the Relocation thread that you're taking steps to unstick yourself -- good for you!

lorin wrote:Or you can always do what I did, which in itself is a form of therapy. Back up those belongings and DO mail them to your sister, fill up your backpack with the necessities and go explore. Travel. See the world. I did that, and let me tell you, it was better than therapy and waaaay cheaper.

Hmm. Travel. I think I need a goal.

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 3:42 pm**

Wow... it seems everywhere I turn things are kinda crappy... at least here it seems you folks are doing something about it!

Been a bit frazzled this past couple weeks.... have forgotten to do things I should have (sorry, Jenn!).... so I'm doing the counseling bit on the University's dollar, mwahaha!

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 6:47 pm**

Linna Heartlistener wrote:
YOU TOO!
you have to obey me for i am the mod.
lol, lucimay... you're funny. I have enough distrust of myself that I don't want to open that door to that at this point in my life, lol.
The sentiment of "I want you to feel better NOW" is sweet, though!

good job.

you are taking a positive action to make yourself feel better.
that's equally as good as what i was jokingly suggesting.

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:07 pm**

Orlion wrote:Wow... it seems everywhere I turn things are kinda crappy... at least here it seems you folks are doing something about it!

Been a bit frazzled this past couple weeks.... have forgotten to do things I should have (sorry, Jenn!).... so I'm doing the counseling bit on the University's dollar, mwahaha!

Me too! Over a year of free counselling now, student unions are wonderful things.

Posted: **Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:27 pm**

Cameraman Jenn wrote:I feel drained. I feel like I don't know what I want anymore, who I am anymore. I feel like even if I did know those things I would just not know how to get it or how to be me anymore. I think I am clinically depressed. I called Lady Tam yesterday and I wanted to talk to her about everything but when she answered the phone I became reticent and distant. Same thing with Damelon. I feel like I am in a bubble of self doubt, self pity, stagnancy and frustration and i don't know how to vent it or get out of it. Most of all I feel like I've lost my confidence in myself and that scares me the most. I feel like I need to cry but I can't and I don't want to but I do but I can't. I think someone needs to smack me in the head and tell me to get the frack over myself. I dunno. I actually thought about what the repercussions would be if I sorted my belongings, mailed the important stuff to my sister, left the rest for street score and jumped off the golden gate today. NO worries, it ain't gonna happen but I scared me by thinking it. I've got five days of responsibility on my plate to occupy me so I probably won't think it again but still... I thought it. I rationalized it. I planned it and how easy it would be. I must be crazy.

That's... right about where I am these days. There are days when I can say 'Okay, I'm not happy. What am I gonna do about it?' and I send out some resumes, which disappear into the ether. And I tell myself that those jobs probably wouldn't make me happy either. I don't know what I want to do, except have a job where I am not a complete nonentity, and make enough money that I am not constantly skating on the edge of disaster. Trying to think of something positive to say here, but I've got nothing.

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:11 am**

I hope all turns around for everyone; I will send calming and mellow thoughts out towards all of you.

Today, the phone I won from the Ryan Seacrest sweeps on Facebook arrived. It looks quite nice. It is a locked T-Mobile HTC. Not a carrier I have dealt with.

Fortunately, a contract and number were not included with the phone, so if I can't find an affordable plan for it, I can always put it up on Craiglist.

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 3:34 am**

Hugs to everyone who needs em including myself. Today was a better day. I am gonna be hecka sore tomorrow though. I got to be in plain clothes and team up with Jenn (yes, Jenn, the crew was calling us the Jenn Squared painting company) to paint the break room. My shoulder and wrist and already complaining and I feel like I know how Danielson felt when Mr. Miaggi told him to paint the fence and paint the house. We got to work and started taking all the stuff off the walls and Ashlee comes in and says, "I am not sure I like this color very much." since the plan was to paint it the same color, just freshen it up. I said, "Well then you had better go pick another color right now because by the time you get back we will almost be ready to start painting." She looked at me and said, "Good Idea!" and ran out the door. She picked a really nice neutral brownish grey color that won't show the dirt so much and it looks gorgeous. We did have to put on two coats so we had to leave all the trim tape etc for it to dry because our shift was over. It was nice to just have a break from the usual stuff and to get something accomplished with visible results.

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:36 am**

Yay for visible results!

Oh, and happy Lughnasa, everybody.

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:39 am**

What's a Lughnasa?

Something pagan?

But, uh, thanks!

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:44 am**

Cambo wrote:What's a Lughnasa? Something pagan?

But, uh, thanks!

You fool! You don't thank someone on Lughnasa, or your soul is forfeit!

Besides, aren't you a couple days late, ali?

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:51 am**

Yeah, I am much better than when I posted my last post. I was just so frustrated and really feeling it and I started writing and it all just came out and I posted and I thought about editing it but then I was like, screw it, it's how I felt right then so let it be. Don't worry everyone, I would never actually jump off the bridge or attempt suicide in any way, just the fact that I thought it scared me into a round of change of life searches via jobs and so forth. There are way too many books still unread and way too many hot young guys still unkissed and way too many recipes to invent and way too many hugs from my friends to receive for me to be that desperate. I may have a dark moment here or there but there are way too many alternatives and solutions for me to ever have that go beyond a relatively fleeting thought which in and of itself is a serious rarity. So no worries...

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:10 am**

Good to hear, Jenn.

Orlion wrote:
Cambo wrote:What's a Lughnasa? Something pagan?

But, uh, thanks!
You fool! You don't thank someone on Lughnasa, or your soul is forfeit!

Besides, aren't you a couple days late, ali?

Yes, Lughnasa is a Neopagan holiday.

It's either the 1st or 2nd of August, depending on who you talk to -- and some astronomers think the actual cross-quarter day is the 5th. So really, I'm either early or late.

It's the feast of the first harvest -- grains, berries, etc. The Irish Celtic god Lugh named it a feast day in honor of his mother, with games and stuff.

In anticipation of the next question ("what's a cross-quarter?"): There are eight holidays, or sabbats, for most Neopagans. The solstices and equinoxes are the "quarter" days. Then we observe a day halfway between each solstice and equinox -- the cross-quarter days. The year starts with Samhain on October 31st, then Yule on the winter solstice, Imbolc or Candlemas on Feb. 2nd, Ostara on the spring equinox, Beltane on May 1st, Mabon or Midsummer on the summer solstice, Lughnasa or Lammas on August 1st or 2nd (or 5th), and Mabon on the fall equinox.

I think it was still the 2nd when I posted -- or at least I haven't gone to bed yet, so it's still the 2nd as far as I'm concerned.

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:15 am**

Wasn't it a funeral feast, since Lugh's mother died preparing Ireland for agriculture? (I can use Wikipedia

)

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:03 am**

Cambo wrote:
Bill Hicks wrote:"Oh, sorry, I was taking life seriously. Haha!"

Exactly. I've always thought that suicide was a symptom of taking yourself too seriously.

--A

Posted: **Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:19 am**

a friend posted this on one of her photos in fb and i thought it was wonderful and soooo true and i posted it in the depression thread and am posting it here too so as to make sure everyone that might need to see it sees it.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

Kevin's Watch

How do you feel today? v. 3.0