Kevin's Watch

dlb and Menolly have it so good. I on the other hand live 40 miles from Tuscaloosa, right smack dab in the middle of (shudders and gags) the crimson nation.

*giggle*

So, I guessed wrong on the anonymous post on my FaceBook page? I don't think so!!!

null wrote:they don't give us night sticks.
i have asked for a recoiles baton onmore than one occassion.

What kind of crummy prison is that?

medium security. but since the Ruiz decision, them inmates got rights.

My Uncle Murray is a prison guard. Has been one for forty years. I love the story of how one inmate got a fly in his eggs and my uncle told him to hush up cuz none of the other prisoners got extra protein.

39. I must not tell lies.

40. I must not carve 'I must not tell lies' into the back of my hand with a box cutter.

41. Lightning-bolt shaped wounds on the forehead are right out.

42. The definition of 30 minute break at Ingles Supermarkets is 'slightly' different than what one would think it would be.

43. I am not Inigo Montoya. You did not kill my father. You do not need to prepare to die.

44. Must not threaten the lives of my coworkers for using my legal name.

45. Video rental is a Privellage. Not a Right. And if you return a pornographic DVD instead of the DVD you rented, your privellage will be revoked.

46. Particularly if it's 'that' kind of porn.

Emotional Leper wrote: 46. Particularly if it's 'that' kind of porn.

Autopsy porn?


You are a sick sick man.

El wrote:I am not Inigo Montoya. You did not kill my father. You do not need to prepare to die.

ROFLMAO!!!!

Please get over the down-leg of your cycle quickly

Prebe wrote:

El wrote:I am not Inigo Montoya. You did not kill my father. You do not need to prepare to die.

ROFLMAO!!!!

Please get over the down-leg of your cycle quickly

Working on it.

Preface to 47: As the only Red Cross First-Aid Trained person at work, there are occassions when I am compelled against my will to save people from random chance or their own stupidity.

47. When someone is choking to death, I am to first attempt the Heimlich Maneuver, and if that fails, to check their airway. I should not immediately pull out a box cutter and yell, "Hold 'em down! Gotta do a trach."

48. When someone looks at my name tag and asks me if my name is really Ziggy Stardust, I should not say, "As far as you know."

49. I am no longer allowed to answer, "Nothing," to the question, "What are you doing?" At a very minimum, I should reply that I am continuing the bodily functions neccessary to life.

50. When dealing with Management, "As far as you know" is not a satisfactorily affirmative or negative answer to a question.

49. When outside on break and "rocking out," I may not assault and batter anyone who asks me to play the following songs: "Freebird," "Sweet Home Alabama," or "Smoke on the Water."

50. When outside on break and "rocking out," I may not try to convince the Stoner Brigade that I am really Van Halen, Norse God of Rock, and that my guitar is "My Mighty Ax."

51. In Re: 50, I am not a member of any Pantheon of Deities.

52. My title is "Stocker" or "Stock Boy." It is not "King of Store #32, Sovereign of Aisle 5, Viscount of Baby and Frozen Foods, and Lord Protector of the Parking Lot."

53. I am not required to report Grand Theft Auto to the police.

54. Not allowed to refer to Christianity as any sort of plague, disease, festering boil or pimple, pox, pestillence, miasma, malise, or Gran Mal.

55. When I come into work when I'm not working, and I am in Full Gothic Attire, and I am asked if the eyeliner'd design around one or both of my eyes is "the Mark of the Devil," I am not allowed to begin a lecture on the subject of Demonology, or any other Occult Discipline, no matter how knowledgable I am on the subject.

56. No one wants to hear about my favourite perversions. Particularly not in the form of an ennumerated list.

57. Apparently, my penchant for buggery is not as legendary as I thought it was.

58. When people ask me if my name really is Ziggy Stardust, I should not answer, "No, I'm the Doctor."

59. If they then ask, "The Doctor What," I should not reply with, "Close enough."

60. I am not allowed to do anything I once saw on an episode of Doctor Who.

61. No, stopping that toilet that's backing up raw sewage all over the floor from overflowing is not more important than ringing up a customer.

62. Elisabeth Bathory is not a cute nickname.

63. Not allowed to bring up the fact that Hansel and Gretel was a German Fairy Tale, and then to begin discussion of the greater historical import of this fact.

64. After learning that a coworker has a french last name, not allowed to share with them the fact that I have a German one, then demand they "lay down their arms and bring me their wine, women, and anything else I want."

65. If someone makes a "Kraut" joke, I am not allowed to put them in a choke hold and drag them towards the ovens at the bakery. It is not amusing, endearing, or appropriate.

66. I am not allowed Reparations for anything. Period. Even if my family used to have a castle.

67. My name is not a killing word, and if I do another impression of that scene from David Lynch's "Dune" using bags of ice, I must immediately clean up said ice. I may not "wait for it to melt and then mop it up."

68. I am not House Atreides. An attack on me is not an attack on House Atreides. I am not a ruling duke of a Great House. Store #32 is not my Ducal Fief. It did not come to me through my father. The Sleeper has not, and will never, awaken.

69. No longer allowed to make any references to Arrakeen Sandworms and genitalia.

70. Someone who outranks me apparently has read the Dune Series, as I may no longer call myself Leto II after refering to someone as "The Duncan."

Emotional Leper wrote:51. In Re: 50, I am not a member of any Pantheon of Deities.

You could be...

--A

EL, your job sucks!

Avatar wrote:

Emotional Leper wrote:51. In Re: 50, I am not a member of any Pantheon of Deities.

You could be...

...need to go back and review my archived Messenger conversation with EL from this morning, right before I headed out to Beorn's freshman orientation as I think discussion of The Pantheon came up (again)...

Emotional Leper wrote: 58. When people ask me if my name really is Ziggy Stardust, I should not answer, "No, I'm the Doctor."

59. If they then ask, "The Doctor What," I should not reply with, "Close enough."

60. I am not allowed to do anything I once saw on an episode of Doctor Who.

Just keep in mind, you can't find your TARDIS because it's camouflage ability still works...

Emotional Leper wrote:64. After learning that a coworker has a french last name, not allowed to share with them the fact that I have a German one, then demand they "lay down their arms and bring me their wine, women, and anything else I want."

65. If someone makes a "Kraut" joke, I am not allowed to put them in a choke hold and drag them towards the ovens at the bakery. It is not amusing, endearing, or appropriate.

66. I am not allowed Reparations for anything. Period. Even if my family used to have a castle.

*wry grin*

...I really wish you trusted my response to your family history more than you apparently did before I "stumbled" upon it...

Emotional Leper wrote:67. My name is not a killing word, and if I do another impression of that scene from David Lynch's "Dune" using bags of ice, I must immediately clean up said ice. I may not "wait for it to melt and then mop it up."

68. I am not House Atreides. An attack on me is not an attack on House Atreides. I am not a ruling duke of a Great House. Store #32 is not my Ducal Fief. It did not come to me through my father. The Sleeper has not, and will never, awaken.

69. No longer allowed to make any references to Arrakeen Sandworms and genitalia.

70. Someone who outranks me apparently has read the Dune Series, as I may no longer call myself Leto II after refering to someone as "The Duncan."

...I can so picture all of this happening...

Emotional Leper wrote: 62. Elisabeth Bathory is not a cute nickname.

My newest favorite.

71. None of my female coworkers may be refered to as 'do-able,' 'f***able,' or, 'Wham, Bam, thank you Ma'am!'

72. I am not allowed to be gay for David Bowie on company time.

73. I may not play the baseline from 'Under Pressure' while on break, if I intend to play it, and nothing but it, non-stop, for the whole hour.

74. My amp may not go up to 11. Hell, it may not even go up to 4. 5 is Right Out.

75. Not allowed to do a Differential Diagnosis on a coworker on company time.

76. Not allowed to make recommendations with condom purchases, even if we have an over abudance of Astroglide.

77. May not pillage the Pharmacy. That is my last warning.

78. Epi-pens are not a toy.

79. Hiding in the trash compactor and waiting until it is turned on for a few seconds and I am about to be crushed to death before screaming is not safe or funny.

80. Not allowed to talk about vomit. Period.

81. No one shares my enthusiasm for Hansen's Disease, or Infectious Diseases in General.

82. Hanson is not a Disease.

83. No longer allowed to talk smack about Slipknot, even though they are bigger tools than TOOL.

84. Not allowed to badmouth TOOL.

85. Necrophilia is a taboo subject.

This is one of the most entertaining columns at the Watch. I feel inspiration growing.....

Emotional Leper wrote:82. Hanson is not a Disease.

Are you sure about that?

66. I am not allowed Reparations for anything. Period. Even if my family used to have a castle.

stormrider wrote:

Emotional Leper wrote:82. Hanson is not a Disease.

Are you sure about that?

Hanson is considered a Disease everywhere BUT Ingles supermarkets.