Internet dating?

[Cail]

It's worth a try.

I'm 39, have a kid, and I don't drink. My exposure to single women in my peer group is severely limited, and I'm a picky S.O.B.

The pros:

-There's a filter. You can tell people about yourself (religion, smoker, drinker, etc, and you can see the same qualities in others. If you don't want to date a smoker, you don't respond to them.

-You get to see a lot more people than you normally would. Putting my criteria into Match.com, I got over 500 matches within a 50-mile radius, and they're ranked in order of how well they match my criteria. These are people that, by and large, I never would have met otherwise.

-Women (or men) get to see you. Once you put a profile up, you start showing up in other people's search results. Without exaggeration, I never originated a single conversation on Match.com, and I could have easily been out with a different woman every night of the week. My profile was posted for about 2 weeks prior to my removing it, and I got something ridiculous like 400 different people viewing my profile, and 45 emails from women who wanted to know more about me. I didn't solicit a single date, and my profile photos were taken with my cell phone at arm's length.

-As such, if you're shy or haven't dated in a long while (like me; no dating since 1988), online dating gives you the opportunity to email back and forth to get through the first awkward stages of meeting someone.

-There's a built-in way of rejecting people. You can press one button to tell someone you're not interested, and you can block them from viewing your profile.

But then there's the cons:

-Everybody lies. Oh. My. God. Everyone f*cking lies. People who list that they don't smoke will "have one or two when I'm drinking". Social drinkers (maybe one or two) will pass out and puke on you. Divorced people are still just separated. Athletic and toned people only have a photo of their face and are 5'4", 220 pounds. And dear Lord, everyone's 39. There are no 40-year old women.

-People are single for a reason. Some are legitimate. Others are simply bizarre. If a woman who's 38 has never been married and has no kids, run.

-Many people online, just like in the real world, are unbelievably needy. I had a woman with a fantastic photo (from the neck up) and a great profile (Catholic nonsmoker, no drinking, athletic, good career, homeowner) email me. We corresponded via email for around a week, and had a few fantastic phone conversations. I really felt like there was a ton of chemistry there, as we had a lot in common and really hit it off well. I suggested we get together one evening for coffee at a little place near her home (to make it more convenient for her, I wasn't planning anything).

Then it started getting weird.

For starters, prior to the meet, she started talking in not-so-vague terms about marriage and kids (she'd never been married). OK, whatever. The goal is to meet someone and fall in love, so I don't take this too seriously. I remind her that I clearly stated that I didn't want any more kids, and that (heh heh) I couldn't father them anyway since I've had a vasectomy.

The day of the meet, she called me and said she was running behind, and that I should just meet her at her house. I thought that was a little odd, but what do I know. So I get to her house, and she's just getting home too. She gets out of her car, and the fun begins.

She's 5'4", and she outweighs me by a good 40 pounds. Now I'm a realist. I know I'm not Brad Pitt, but when I described myself I was honest. I don't expect to have supermodels flocking to me, nor do I really care (too much) what someone looks like or is built like, as long as there's an attraction. But to tell me that her body type was "about average" and that she was athletic, and to see someone so obviously far out of shape really bent me.

But I'm a nice guy, so I go ahead and have a cup of coffee with her and strike up a conversation. Within 10 minutes, she starts talking about vasectomy reversal surgery. Needless to say, I excused myself, though apparently not quickly enough. Foolishly, I agreed to go on a motorcycle ride with her (she had her own Harley).

This was in early September, and after the bike ride I made it clear that I wasn't interested. I'm still getting emails, texts, and phone calls from her. Apparently I'm her soul mate.

So give it a whirl. I did eventually meet someone that I'm really happy with, and so far, so good. Just be careful.

[[Syl]]

I remember reading in Neil Strauss' The Game that the most successful way to date with online personals is to present yourself as a complete asshole then be very nice and personable when you meet in real life.

LOL, I just remembered... Way back when ('97, I was 20), I did post my profile on an online dating thing. I wasn't an asshole, but I did put something very straightforward out there like, 'Physical beauty isn't the most important thing in the world, but it is important. If you're not attractive, and I don't mean in a strictly media-influenced variety, I'm not very likely to be interested.' I never went out on any dates, but I did carry on an argument with a few women about the subjective merits of beauty for a couple weeks.

[Fist and Faith]

Hey, have you ever seen a man or woman you thought was really cute, but didn't know if you should bother saying Hi? "She's probably got a boyfriend." "Maybe she was just dumped, and hates guys at the moment." "Maybe she's gay." "Maybe she just doesn't want a relationship right now." Well guess what? All the men and women at cupid.com/match.com/etc are looking for relationships! Isn't that a fantastic break? You know they're approachable! It's why they have a profile there!

[aliantha]

I can tell you why women lie in their online profile. It's because 95% of men who post online profiles are looking for The Perfect Woman: tall, blond, cute, "athletic build," no older than 30 (okay, maybe 35, but she damn well better have taken care of herself), etc. Read the "Men Seeking Women" section of any personals ad listing and see if I'm not telling the truth. I can't imagine that online dating services are that much different than the personals. Hence, either heavier women have to lie or they need not apply. And if they're smart, that's another strike against 'em.

Bitter? Who, me? Nah. I've just opted out of dating, period. Why set myself up for misery?

I did try online dating when I was in college. Indiana U. had a student-only computer dating service once a year, to benefit student government or something, I think. I applied two years in a row; the only date I remember having out of it was with a Taiwanese grad student. Nice enough guy, but no chemistry. Granted, computer dating was in its infancy then (we're talking mid-'70s) but still.

I'm glad it works for some folks, tho.

[Cail]

The thing is, why lie? It's not like it's something you can hide. All that happens is that you end up turning people off by lying about something so easily discovered.

[aliantha]

The thing is, why lie? It's not like it's something you can hide. All that happens is that you end up turning people off by lying about something so easily discovered.

Sure. But think about paying all that cash and then getting zero hits. Especially depending on your level of desperation and/or how much of your ego is tied up in being attached to another person (no matter who!). And there's also that fantasy-thinking thing: "I'm sure if I could just *meet* a guy, we would click, despite that fact that I'm totally the opposite of what they all say they're looking for." Yeah, I know, that's crazy talk. But folks is strange.

[Cail]

Yeah, folks is strange.

But for me, it wouldn't have mattered if the woman was perfect in every other way and wanted to buy me a Ferrari. She lied to me from the outset, and no matter what good qualities she may have, that gets overshadowed by the lack of honesty.

[DukkhaWaynhim]

Here are a few of my own observations on the sexes, which may be applicable to online dating:
Speaking in general, men and women are wired differently. Several guys I knew in college fell into the trap of working outward in - they assumed that if they were physically attracted to someone that the other stuff would work itself out - it didn't. There is a great deal of truth to the cliche that men are visually stimulated - in dating service situations, they treat physical details as a weed-out process, unfair as it sounds. However, many very attractive women also happen to be poisonously, insidiously insane psychic and financial vampires, so my buddies ended up reaping what they had sown, because they found themselves powerfully attracted to someone who sucked their will to live in the most desperate and sad-to-watch ways.
Conversely, one woman I know made the opposite mistake of working inward out - she fell in love with a guy whose personality matched with hers so well it was like they were made for each other - BUT, she ashamedly admitted to me, she has never been sexually attracted to him, and they have been married for several years and have children.
I guess my only point in sharing these examples is that no matter what we ask for, we often don't know exactly what we want. Nobody is perfect, and thus no couple is perfect. My wife frequently drives me far, far up the wall, but I wouldn't trade her for anything - or anyone. We occasionally assert together that Match or eHarmony would never have put us together, yet together we are, and happy to boot.

Speaking directly about online dating services - they are what they are. My best friend through high school and college met the love of his life through eHarmony - and happily ended his bachelorhood at the age of 33. He doesn't talk about the x matches/dates that didn't work out. But does it really matter, since he (eventually) found The One?

As long as you stay true to yourself, trust your instincts, and don't do anything you suspect you'll regret deeply in the morning - why not? And fly the bird to anyone who smirks - because how much of that is just sour grapes from someone who lacks the cojones to go out on that limb?

dw

[Prebe]

Excellent post Cail. I agree with both the pros and cons. I've been there myself. Only it was I who (I am terribly ashamed to admit) used the "still emotionally attached to my ex-excuse" because one of the dates was not really what I had in mind after our e-mail-correspondence. Perhaps it is the internet daters international "dump someone nicely" code?

I also agree with the bottom line (or was that the top line?): give it a whirl Marv. You can always get a new e-mail adress or join the witness protection program

[The Leper Fairy]

I uh... met a boy online. He came to visit yesterday. We had a great time.

[Prebe]

Good luck with him TLF! One of my best friends found his significant other on the net.

[dANdeLION]

4th: Dumped me because I am an epileptic and don't have a car.

I'd steer clear of net dating.

You mean, you'd steer clear of it if you had a car!

[emotional leper]

I uh... met a boy online. He came to visit yesterday. We had a great time.

Hellfire! All the cool fairies are taken. All that's left is the Kwanza Fairy and the Mummy Rot fairy. Oh, and Hanukkah zombie, but she's enjoying being single.

[SoulQuest1970]

There are a lot of freakazoids out there, but I have made some great friends even if there was no there there... on my side, not thiers. Right now I am seeing this asian guy that is 6'1" Woohoo... being only 5'1"ish it is a real hoot to hang out with a guy so much taller. He is so sweet and shy. He worries about me rejecting him! Dude, I am the heavy chick! Oh well, lol. I got him to agree to go to my company party. I put the plus on the free food part. I did NOT mention the dancing.

Am I naughty or what?!

[Cameraman Jenn]

HeeHee! Good for you SQ! I went on some internet dates and met some nice guys but no sparks. I also had several dates that WAY misrepresented themselves. I did not even recognize them from their photos. Seriously. And I also had one horrible horrible date with this guy who was so controlling from the very beginning. It was scary. He actually mom armed me when I went to cross the street. I was like wtf. Good luck to you if you should so choose to do it, Marvin. OH and don't forget to make a thread and post all the pics of possible dates so we can all help screen them for you.

[SoulQuest1970]

HeeHee! Good for you SQ! I went on some internet dates and met some nice guys but no sparks. I also had several dates that WAY misrepresented themselves. I did not even recognize them from their photos. Seriously. And I also had one horrible horrible date with this guy who was so controlling from the very beginning. It was scary. He actually mom armed me when I went to cross the street. I was like wtf. Good luck to you if you should so choose to do it, Marvin. OH and don't forget to make a thread and post all the pics of possible dates so we can all help screen them for you.

Dude! I went out with this one geek... I mean guy. He was arguing with me over the TC books. I can't even remember what it was about, but when I met SRD in 2004 I found out I had been right all along. Oh, yeah it was about Covenant being the white gold verses just the ring having power. What an idiot. Then he tried to force a kiss on me! Ack! Thank GOD I have kids to use as an excuse to get out of a situation like that. Fortunately those experiences are few and far between and definitely not the norm. Most guys were real nice, we just had nothing in common.

Don't worry guys looking for someone. You will know when you find the right person. Try not to judge on appearances alone and it needs to go the other way too. I do not judge a guy on his appearance (unless he stinks or does not care to groom and wear decent clothes). I figure anyone that judges me by things which I have limited control over does not deserve me.

[Loredoctor]

4th: Dumped me because I am an epileptic and don't have a car.

I'd steer clear of net dating.

You mean, you'd steer clear of it if you had a car!

dAN, you never fail!

I can tell you why women lie in their online profile. It's because 95% of men who post online profiles are looking for The Perfect Woman: tall, blond, cute, "athletic build," no older than 30 (okay, maybe 35, but she damn well better have taken care of herself), etc. Read the "Men Seeking Women" section of any personals ad listing and see if I'm not telling the truth. I can't imagine that online dating services are that much different than the personals. Hence, either heavier women have to lie or they need not apply.

It's still a lie. The fault's not with the men for advertising what they seek (why is it always the male's fault these days?), and plus you're exaggerating about how many men seek those type of women. I've lost count of how many women are chasing rich brad pitt types with great cars. Yet very few men lie about having those qualities. But if people are that insecure to lie about their identities, then it's their own fault if they get hurt. You don't try to start a relationship by falsifying things

And if they're smart, that's another strike against 'em.

Smart women are very sought after by men.

[SoulQuest1970]

I never lie. All you have to do is look at my ad on plentyoffish.com. I am also SoulQuest1970 there. I tell the truth up front. You'd be amazed at how many prospects I get.

[Marv]

Well it's good to see so many people have tried it and had reasonably good experiences. I had no idea but, after speaking to a few other people about it, it seems to be considered one of the most valid ways of meeting other people nowadays. I must be really old fashioned. Not sure how I'll get on. I have trouble being fully serious and open on this forum and I've been posting here for nearly 2 years now. And describing myself is gonna be a chore.

I'm definately gonna give it a whirl.

Good luck to you if you should so choose to do it, Marvin. OH and don't forget to make a thread and post all the pics of possible dates so we can all help screen them for you.

That sounds like an excellent idea.

[Cameraman Jenn]

SWEET!!!!