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Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:35 pm
by deer of the dawn
Oh, and then there's:
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1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
3. How many Armenians does it take to change a light bulb?
All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.
4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???
5. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.
6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
7. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
9. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
10. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
11. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "
13. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
14. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
15. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
-Author unknown
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Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:30 am
by rusmeister
Actually, "Change? What is change?" is the Orthodox Christian reply.
Got the bartender joke (I've just heard it told with different participants).
Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 12:42 pm
by Prebe
Heh! The bartender joke is what is known as a meta-joke. Like Rus, I'd heard it with different participants.
Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 3:15 pm
by dlbpharmd
Why do you always take 2 Baptists fishing?
If you only take 1, he'll drink all the beer.
Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 4:40 pm
by rusmeister
dlbpharmd wrote:Why do you always take 2 Baptists fishing?
If you only take 1, he'll drink all the beer.
The Baptists I grew up with were the northern Puritan stock. Nobody would've touched it.
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:32 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't
any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey..."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you
see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 9:22 pm
by Menolly
High Lord Tolkien wrote:"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
...although nowadays you would say kippah instead of yarmulke, which is the Hebrew instead of the Yiddish for the same thing...
Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:05 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:11 am
by rusmeister
Humor appreciated.
A concern is that many with little/no experience with intelligent faith may not understand exactly what faith is, something that this kind of humor would only promote - a false idea that faith is something opposed to reason. The idea that it could be parallel to reason is often obscured, as is the awareness that it is a conscious choice that could be made with the full support of reason in spite of physical appearances (like the faith a sky-diver exhibits when jumping out of a plane).
Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:23 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
rusmeister wrote:
A concern is that many with little/no experience with intelligent faith may not understand exactly what faith is, something that this kind of humor would only promote - a false idea that faith is something opposed to reason. The idea that it could be parallel to reason is often obscured, as is the awareness that it is a conscious choice that could be made with the full support of reason in spite of physical appearances (like the faith a sky-diver exhibits when jumping out of a plane).
Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
You really felt the need to post this here?
Start your own thread then and lets keep this one fun and light hearted please.
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:27 pm
by Prebe
Hear, hear!
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:17 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:42 pm
by Prebe
Priceless!
It reminds me of former reverent Ian Paisley from northern Ireland.
A little boy had been banned from the Paisley's congregation for taking the lords name in vain, or some bogus like that. Being from a devoutly protestant home he is naturally devastated by the rejection.
One day he's sitting on a the church' stairs, crying his wee eyes out, when suddenly... - with a modest *boom* - The "Old Bearded Dude" materialises before him, and asks: "Why are you so sad little one?"
"Boohoo *snivle*...." "I can't get into Paisley's church! Bwaaaaaa......"
God pats him on the head and says: "Is THAT all? Don't worry about it. I haven't been in there for years."
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:28 pm
by [Syl]
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:32 pm
by Cail
<snort!>
Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:39 pm
by High Lord Tolkien
Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:35 pm
by Kinslaughterer
Is there anything better than the Onion? Really?
I think I may have once seen Alfred Wallace in a tortilla.
Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 6:05 pm
by [Syl]
I'm not sure if this is exactly non-insulting (it's certainly a bit blasphemous when seen in the light... ha... of this context), but -
Jesus loves you.
Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:02 pm
by rusmeister
The peculiar thing about laughing at Christianity is that the Christians will roll with it. No one's going to call a fatwa on you. Just compare it with the sensitivity that Islamic reaction forces on our media.
Sure it's offensive. But don't you think it odd that it doesn't bring forth much stronger responses than it actually does? Consider if someone was laughing at the core beliefs of atheists, materialists, agnostics or pagans. Heck, as soon as I challenge those beliefs here I get hit from every side, and that's without even laughing at them. Whenever people take beliefs seriously (which is a good thing), then being laughed at is offensive.
The intended spirit of this thread is (or ought to be) non-offensive.
Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:58 pm
by aliantha
Wait -- pagans have core beliefs? When did *that* start?
Pagans are actually pretty famous for laughing at themselves. Here's one example:
ohmygods.co.uk/strips/2008-07-24
There also some rituals floating around on the Internet in celebration for things like
chocolate:
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the _______________, We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best." ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."
(After all the quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at the East.) Close circle.
