Planet of the Apes: A personal comparison

[dANdeLION]

You make some salient points, Mr Goulet, but I'm afraid your line of reasoning has made it impossible for me to avoid the mental image of a Mike Meyers version of PotA, titled 'The Ape Who Shagged Me'.

[aTOMiC]

I tell you, the second Planet of the Apes really takes the cake. Charlie was great in the first one, but you can tell he's just not into the second one. He shows up for a few scenes, then disappears until the film is almost over, and he's hanging out in a cell like he can't ecape or something. Not only that, but he lets a lesser actor steal his chick for most of the film, then lets her get killed. Like I said, he's just not in the mood, and it shows. To make matters worse, he gets killed himself, although he does manage to take out all those rat-bastard apes and the ugly psychics, too. But still, think about it; if one of the other iconic actors of the time had starred in it, it would have been a completely different flick!

Imagine Clint Eastwood, whispering "You've got the Apes on one side, the Telepaths on the other side, and me in the middle." They'd have named it "A fistful of Dead Apes" and Clint would have worked for and spied on both sides, killing them off a few at a time, setting up situations for them to kill off each other, while he dismantled the Alpha-Omega bomb and used the explosives in it to fashion several sticks of dynamite.

Or, maybe Sean Connery plays Taylor. He not only kills every Psychic and Gorilla in hand-to-hand combat and disarms the bomb with one second left, but he also pilots the bomb into space, where it flies through the time warp thing and back to real earth, and, before it crashes harmlessly in the Pacific he parachutes to safety with Linda Harrison, leaving the two of them all alone to make out until the British secret service can collect them.

Interesting points indeed. Outlandish but interesting.