Kevin's Watch

Posted: **Wed Oct 15, 2003 12:32 pm**

Furls:
danlo mentioned somewhere about making Stephen an honorary member. Why don't you register him and put his (wonderful) writings as his own posts? If you're of a mind to, that is.

Posted: **Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:43 pm**

That's a beautiful idea

I'll run it by danlo and make sure it's okay

Posted: **Wed Oct 15, 2003 6:05 pm**

In the meantime, here is another. He wrote this from the hospital in the spring of 2001. He knew his time was flying from him. It is one of the last things he wrote, because soon after he grew very very sick and AIDS took, among other things, his sight.

I begin my inward folding
Forehead creased in the seam
of dawning inevitability.
I know I fail this incursion of self
This turning point imposed on me unaware
Perhaps if my attention were more diligent,
My resistance would prove to be well built.
And yet, I know the truth
The way of it, the cruelty of it
The steadfast rush of it.

Oh! I would rather be elsewhere!
Walking under the maple wood
In a nudity stripped down to sweet liberation
The sun-soaked health of undergrowth
Inviting me forward, enwrapping beauty
About me like catharsis.
Arms thrown wide to embrace in nakedness
The palliative, the cleansing antitoxin.
All former realities purged away.

Save me from such dreams!
The sodium onslaught of their light
Rubs and rubs my open wounds.
These imaginings torture my soul,
My core acceptance of defeat.
By degrees, I fold inward,
descend profoundly.
No miracle bequeathed to lift the man I am
freefalling into the infinite well of disease.

--Stephen C. McKinney

Posted: **Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:04 am**

Furls Fire wrote: "These are the pale deaths
which men miscall their lives:
for all the scents of green things growing,
each breath is but an exhalation of the grave.
Bodies jerk like puppet corpses,
and hell walks laughing –"

this has always struck me .. from when I first read it in LFB .. as so deeply profound. Steve gives these words incredible interpretation .. he has such an immense perpsective .. akin to SRD's TC .. TC seeing life through shades of his leperosy .. and Steve, his unique perspective through illness.

Steve wrote:Ah, I still haven’t come to what this is trying to tell me. It just seems to play over and over in my mind. Pale death. Which men miscall their lives. This “miscall” is an interesting thought. Miscalling our lives. In essence, missing our calling. Dying in the waste of life. Did he do that? Waste his life? Did I? One could fly apart thinking about such things. Do we live just to die? Am I living with, or dying of AIDS? Is AIDS all I am? Like, leprosy was all he was? No. I am not just AIDS. I was more then that before, and I am more then that now. Just like he was not just leprosy. “Your knowledge of your disease made you wise.” Does it take a disease to give people special insight? Or is it there all the while, and is only drawn out by the onslaught of such trials?

truly enlightened thought .. imho .. TC was ofcourse more than the sum total of his affliction .. but it was such an enormous ill .. it took him time to realise that. Steve has arrived at this awareness so much sooner. Yet how often society categorises people, labels them by illness. Its like illness robs individuals of their personas/ individuality even.

It sounds that Steve had some experience with this .. people fearing his illness .. and just ignorance in general. This is what really enraged me in TCTC .. was the level of social stigmatism, and I have always thought SRD was brilliant to chose as his protagonist a man suffering from leperosy! It was the townsfolks 'ignorance' which lead to their fear and hatred of TC.

And I am really glad for Steve that he was the rare sort of person that could laugh at these sorts of responses.

The looks I get from them sometimes bring me to laughter. Ignorance and fear look funny on people.

I really feel so glad that you have decided to share Steve's thinking with us. I feel like I really want to know him and he is the kind of person that we can all learn from, I think. He has experienced a level of living and awareness that most can barely imagine ..

I begin my inward folding
Forehead creased in the seam
of dawning inevitability.
I know I fail this incursion of self
This turning point imposed on me unaware
Perhaps if my attention were more diligent,
My resistance would prove to be well built.
And yet, I know the truth
The way of it, the cruelty of it
The steadfast rush of it.

Oh! I would rather be elsewhere!
Walking under the maple wood
In a nudity stripped down to sweet liberation
The sun-soaked health of undergrowth
Inviting me forward, enwrapping beauty
About me like catharsis.
Arms thrown wide to embrace in nakedness
The palliative, the cleansing antitoxin.
All former realities purged away.

Save me from such dreams!
The sodium onslaught of their light
Rubs and rubs my open wounds.
These imaginings torture my soul,
My core acceptance of defeat.
By degrees, I fold inward,
descend profoundly.
No miracle bequeathed to lift the man I am
freefalling into the infinite well of disease.

--Stephen C. McKinney

phenomenal words of feeling and depth of expression!!

just awesome .. just awesome ..

Posted: **Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:07 am**

anyone can register more than one nic .. there is no reason why you couldnt do the same for Steve and post for him his work.

Posted: **Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:36 am**

Sky quoted:

this has always struck me .. from when I first read it in LFB .. as so deeply profound. Steve gives these words incredible interpretation .. he has such an immense perpsective .. akin to SRD's TC .. TC seeing life through shades of his leperosy .. and Steve, his unique perspective through illness.

These were Steve's favorite books. Mainly because of Thomas Covenant. He was extremely well read, and enjoyed many other books and authors. But this set is what he always came back too.

He experienced revulsion and predjudice every day because of his illness. The only difference was, the ones closest to him, his family and friends, didn't abandoned him when it was discovered he was HIV positive. He didn't suffer the extreme social death that TC did. He understood Covenant's bitterness and his need to be with people. Steve thrived on other people. Like I said before, he overwhelmed everyone with his presence. And it wasn't even intentional, it was just his light.

He was beyond me. I meant it when I said he was wise. It was evident from a very early age that he was blessed with very powerful gifts. I treasure every moment I spent with him, every word he spoke, every conversation we had. And I even treasure his last moment, when he turned his head slowly in my direction and said. "Even the blind can see this light, what a glorious passing this is." And then he was gone.

peace

Posted: **Thu Oct 16, 2003 5:36 am**

Steve wrote:"Even the blind can see this light, what a glorious passing this is."

i hope these phenomenally awesome words will stay with me for all time and I never forget them.

He really is a special and unique spirit of a man! .. .. and in my heart of hearts, i hear "only those with eyes to see .. see".

The fact that he had such a glorious experience in those last moments is a testimony to me of how attuned to that light he truly was.

and that he was one of the unique persons that actually do have the eyes to see

when my time comes .. i would love such an experience to herald my coming

.. but i think his coming was greatly rejoiced over

knowing and believing as i do that there is no end .. just new beginnings .. is enough for me for now.

and those last words of his strengthen my belief in these things .. and i thank you both for them

Posted: **Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:27 pm**

huggles Sky

It makes me very happy that he is touching people even now, after he has passed on. It proves only that he was indeed truly special.

I've decided to go ahead and create a user listing for him. Just trying to decide on an appropriate nickname and so forth.

Posted: **Fri Oct 17, 2003 12:25 am**

I've just viewed that new thread and am moved. The intro describing what happened is important, its good that you did that.

I felt like that thread was sort of sacred ground in a way so I'm responding here rather than there.

Lost my father to cancer 6 years ago and yet still never had the connection that you obviously had with your brother, so still can't say I can meet you at all on the understanding or empathy front. But that's pretty darn nice that you've chosen to set up a sort of 'sprite' user in memory.

Can I suggest that if anyone ever needs a quick cheer-up, what works for me is to grab this printout I have next to me of Elwood P Dowd quotes. you can find them by looking up Harvey on IMDb. I have taken to, every time someone says "its a wonderful day", responding with "every day is a wonderful day". Its amazingly therapeutic.

If only.

Well done Furls.

Posted: **Fri Oct 17, 2003 2:50 am**

Thanks Landwaster

And I'm sorry to hear that you and father weren't close, that truly saddens me.

Steve would have loved it here on the Watch, because he loved the story so much. I just wish he could have read it's ending.

And feel free to post on the other thread too. I'm going to pull some more of his journal entries and poems and post them there.

Posted: **Fri Oct 17, 2003 9:03 pm**

Furls, I hope you don't mind that I've moved your brother's work to the top of the forum. I feel as if we all lost someone who would have been a beloved friend.

Posted: **Fri Oct 17, 2003 10:14 pm**

Thank you Duchess

Posted: **Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:51 am**

I know this is an older post but it is brand new to me. this is an amazing thread with some really amazing people. as a new member it staggered me and brought me to tears. it reminds me of the value of every moment we share with one another as well as the time we share with ourselves. Stephen was an amazing writer and i am glad you shared it with everyone.

thank you and i hope to read an anthology of his work some day.

Posted: **Fri Feb 20, 2009 7:09 am**

lorin wrote: thank you and i hope to read an anthology of his work some day.

I know that Lorin isn't the only one who feels this way.

Posted: **Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:08 pm**

lorin wrote:I know this is an older post but it is brand new to me. this is an amazing thread with some really amazing people. as a new member it staggered me and brought me to tears. it reminds me of the value of every moment we share with one another as well as the time we share with ourselves. Stephen was an amazing writer and i am glad you shared it with everyone.

Welcome, Lorin!

It always thrills me to see new people read Stephen. This thread was just the beginning, have you delved into the big one yet? It can be a bit daunting at over 50 pages and 1100 posts (which still floors me). I'm so happy you found them. Hugglessssssssss

lorin wrote:thank you and i hope to read an anthology of his work some day.

Oh goodness, many here have wanted me to do that very thing, and I keep tossing the idea around in my head. But the truth is, I just don't have the time required to do it. The big thread has slowed way down over the last couple of years because I haven't been able to devote as much time to it as I used to be able too. Putting all of his journals and poems, over 22 years of them, into some kind of book or anthology form just seems so overwhelming. Maybe one day...when all the kids are grown, and it's just Russ and I, and the house is empty and quiet...I can think about doing that.

But, that...is about 18 years away...LOL!!!

Again...Welcome to Stephen's litte corner of the Watch, Lorin!!! Well met!!

Posted: **Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:17 pm**

Furls Fire wrote: Welcome, Lorin!

It always thrills me to see new people read Stephen. This thread was just the beginning, have you delved into the big one yet? It can be a bit daunting at over 50 pages and 1100 posts (which still floors me). I'm so happy you found them.

Again...Welcome to Stephen's litte corner of the Watch, Lorin!!! Well met!!

i think it is not only his very poignant writing but also who responded to it and how they responded that is such a clear sign of the depth of his writing and how it affects others.

thank you for the welcome. i am hoping i find something at this site that i have been searching for recently. the quality and the intelligence of the people who post here staggers (and intimidates) me so it is taking a while to poke my head out.

Posted: **Sun Feb 22, 2009 12:14 am**

Lorin wrote:i think it is not only his very poignant writing but also who responded to it and how they responded that is such a clear sign of the depth of his writing and how it affects others.

I don't know how far you've gotten in the big thread, so I'm not sure if you know about Isaiah yet. He lurked here for about 6 or so months back when I first started posting Stephen's journals. During that time, I posted a story in here in the Hall, which prompted Isaiah to finally post. Well, long story cut very short...it turned out that he was also in full blown AIDS and Stephen literally spoke volumes to him. He became a very dear friend to alot of us here on the Watch. Isaiah was so alone, rejected by his family at a very young age because he was gay, he never really knew what love was, until he started reading Stephen. I brought him...well maybe "brought" isn't the right word...I basically made him come and live with our family until he passed. He was only with us a short time, but he touched us all in so deeply. And I believe to this day, that I was meant to post Stephen's journal entries so Isaiah would come out from lurking. Isaiah passed knowing what love was, and that brings me so much joy.

Anyway, if you read thru the big thread, you will meet Isaiah, he went by the nickname "Shadowlurker" here. He came to us late fall 2003 and passed on in March 2004. And we all loved him very much. The thread "Glorious Passing" is his memorial.

Posted: **Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:11 pm**

Stephen McKinney wrote:I begin my inward folding
Forehead creased in the seam
of dawning inevitability.
I know I fail this incursion of self
This turning point imposed on me unaware
Perhaps if my attention were more diligent,
My resistance would prove to be well built.
And yet, I know the truth
The way of it, the cruelty of it
The steadfast rush of it.

Oh! I would rather be elsewhere!
Walking under the maple wood
In a nudity stripped down to sweet liberation
The sun-soaked health of undergrowth
Inviting me forward, enwrapping beauty
About me like catharsis.
Arms thrown wide to embrace in nakedness
The palliative, the cleansing antitoxin.
All former realities purged away.

Save me from such dreams!
The sodium onslaught of their light
Rubs and rubs my open wounds.
These imaginings torture my soul,
My core acceptance of defeat.
By degrees, I fold inward,
descend profoundly.
No miracle bequeathed to lift the man I am
freefalling into the infinite well of disease.

--Stephen C. McKinney

It's like he reaches in and just plucks out the deepest part of me. I'm unable to read his poetry and his journals without feeling like I'm being kicked in the teeth. He speaks the truth about AIDS and it's so raw and hits me so hard. I'm living now what he lived through. And I'm so damn scared of it. I only hope I can be half as strong as he was when I'm facing the end.

Thank you Tracie.

Posted: **Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:50 pm**

If I know my end is coming, I hope I'm half as strong as him, too. The idea of being dead isn't so bad, but the process... Anyway, I hope ours are all a long way off!

Posted: **Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:16 am**

Alex wrote:
Stephen McKinney wrote:I begin my inward folding
Forehead creased in the seam
of dawning inevitability.
I know I fail this incursion of self
This turning point imposed on me unaware
Perhaps if my attention were more diligent,
My resistance would prove to be well built.
And yet, I know the truth
The way of it, the cruelty of it
The steadfast rush of it.

Oh! I would rather be elsewhere!
Walking under the maple wood
In a nudity stripped down to sweet liberation
The sun-soaked health of undergrowth
Inviting me forward, enwrapping beauty
About me like catharsis.
Arms thrown wide to embrace in nakedness
The palliative, the cleansing antitoxin.
All former realities purged away.

Save me from such dreams!
The sodium onslaught of their light
Rubs and rubs my open wounds.
These imaginings torture my soul,
My core acceptance of defeat.
By degrees, I fold inward,
descend profoundly.
No miracle bequeathed to lift the man I am
freefalling into the infinite well of disease.

--Stephen C. McKinney
It's like he reaches in and just plucks out the deepest part of me. I'm unable to read his poetry and his journals without feeling like I'm being kicked in the teeth. He speaks the truth about AIDS and it's so raw and hits me so hard. I'm living now what he lived through. And I'm so damn scared of it. I only hope I can be half as strong as he was when I'm facing the end.

Thank you Tracie.

If I could, right at this moment, I would wrap my arms around you and just hold you tight, so the fear would not be so overwhelming. I, too, know what is to come. And as God is my Witness, I pray everyday that AIDS be ended and that all of you who suffer from it be set free of it.

Here at last breath
the peace comes
here at last hope
the promise comes
here at last life
the grace comes. ---Stephen

Alex...Rest easy tonight. Peace

Kevin's Watch

Some of my brother's writings