Sweet Grace: From the journal pages of Furls Fire

[Savor Dam]

Indeed. Hail Furls!

[Fist and Faith]

She now rests next to Uncle Stephen and Grandpa.

And a couple other guys. Rest in peace, Tracie.

[Fire Daughter]

She now rests next to Uncle Stephen and Grandpa.

And a couple other guys. Rest in peace, Tracie.

Well, doing final exams this week, then it's home for the summer. I should be able to post more of Mom's journal then. Heidi is already home, her semester ended friday.

[StevieG]

Good luck with your exams - look forward to some more entries!

[SoulBiter]

Awesome!!!

[Seareach]

Yes, good luck with your exams.

[Fist and Faith]

School gets out a lot earlier than I remember. But they say the memory is the first thing to go...

Anyway, good luck.

[aliantha]

No no, Fist. Memory is the *second* thing to go. So then what's the first thing to go, you ask? Uh...I can't remember.

[Fire Daughter]

Huggles everyone!

Exams are over with and Heidi, Myles and I are back home. It feels so wonderful to be back with all of my family.

Spring seems to be having some trouble with Old Man Winter tho. It is actually supposed to snow again tonight and tomorrow. Nothing like the day we were able to lay Mom to rest. That day was beautiful, and we are all so relieved that she is now in her final resting place.

I hope to have some time this weekend to post some more of her journal.

[Savor Dam]

It has to be so nice to have the family all at home again for the summer.

Huggles back to you and to all there!

Glad that Tracie is now at rest. I think of her often and she is frequently remembered in chat with other mutual friends.

[Fist and Faith]

Wow! Outta rename it Snowy Mountain! Well, enjoy being home anyway. hehe

[Fire Daughter]

We don't run out of snow until mid to late June up here.

[Furls Fire]

Friday, August 15, 2003 11:23pm

What gifts our Lord bestows!! The miracle of life once again grows inside me, and a miracle it truly is. We were told after Chelsea that I would probably not be able to bear anymore children. We accepted without question, we were already blessed beyond all blessings with our beautiful family. Ah, but the Father, in all His graciousness, has other plans. Today I confirmed what I have known for weeks. I have walked around the house knowing I carried another precious life within me. This baby’s little soul is already singing to me, I can hear sweet music in my sleep.

And Russell says, “So, here we go again.” His smile when I told him brightened up an already bright, glorious day. “I love you.” He said over and over again.

To which I said, “And I love you, and in case you didn’t know, I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Aw, heck. I was just poking fun.”

And we laughed. I love laughing with him. He, the love of my life, the father of my beautiful children, the strength of my heart. Without him, nothing would be right. Together we created, by the grace of God, these amazing lives, these amazing beings that grow and inspire us. Our children, our gifts, the life and breath of us. They are the essence of all we are. They are the teachers, they are the treasures, they are the miracles.

From Stephen:

Breath of life inhaled, a fanfare of angel-song
proclaims your coming, the beginning moments of you.
God’s gracious gift. How precious you are!
my soul rejoices, carols its welcome to yours,
my heart dances to your sweet music.
you hold all the secrets within you.
light of Heaven aglow with the nimbus
of joy you evoke to enshroud us,
affirm us, bring us hope.


We have already decided on names…Stephen Clarke if a boy, Stephanie Claire if a girl. We give thanks to the Lord our God and His Son for bestowing upon us such grace.

[Fire Daughter]

Stephen Isaiah turned 6 years old on May 1. And what a precious gift he is to all of us. When Mom and Dad told us he was coming, I remember we were all so happy. Tristan and Chelsea wanted him to come out and play.

Happy times...

We miss you, Mom.

[Fist and Faith]

And Russell says, “So, here we go again.”

I love it!!

Nice entry!

[Harley Guy]

Uh, yeah. Heh...

Anyway, we are coming up on six months since her passing. I have to say, I will never "get used" to her being gone. I ache for her with every breath I take. There is no way time is going to heal this.

That being said, I'm glad Brooke has decided to do this with her journals. These pages have given us all comfort.

[Fist and Faith]

I would absolutely question your sanity if you ever "got used" to Tracie's absence.

[sindatur]

August 1, 2003: Friday, 9:47pm

I found out today that my favorite author has finally begun writing the end to the story he started so many years ago. And in my search for information on the tale, I came across a site called “The Land”. And through that site, I came across a discussion board called “Kevin’s Watch”. Looks like an amazing place. The Guides whisper in my ear that I belong there. Of course, I ask why. Do they answer? No. Does Stephen? No. Yet, I feel the line tugging at me, I feel the souls calling. The place beckons, and as I lurked through its pages, some of the names shown with colors that my computer screen could not possibly render and I heard the Guides say, “Important works need be done here.”

And so, a new journey begins. I feel it will be one of the most beautiful and tragic of my life. Some joys bring such sorrow. Yet, how can I refuse? When the Hands lead, I must follow. My heart will grow in this place. I know it. I know it as I know my name. Souls call. They call so loud and my prayers begin and my voice calls out their names. I do not yet know them, but I will. I will. They will come and go and come back again. Great happenings await me.

Ah, but my days will not be long there, will they? Somehow I know this. And when the time comes to leave it, I will not wish to go. Such love will be found. Such joy. My heart will be so full of it, leaving will cause great pain. I will not, will not wish to go. On that day, I pray that the Father will ease the path away, or carry me from there. For, my footsteps will be heavy and my feet may betray me.

Tracie! Do not dwell on the leaving, you have only just arrived. The leaving will come when it does. Put it from your mind and heart. The joy in the coming is all you need to feel now.

Yes, the joy in the coming, the joy in the meeting. Kevin’s Watch will be a glorious new journey.

“And bold to go where ever dreaming goes”

Wow Fire Daughter, Brooke-Tracie-Daughter...that's the first page of the Chronicles of Kevin's Watch??? Just...wow.

Were the "Most Beautiful and Tragic Time of My Life" and "painful to Leave" stanzas because she had a diagnosis that made her believe her time was limited, or did she just have a feeling, or was it in keeping with the Chronicles and Thomas Covenat and the Land? I only met Tracie recently, but your mom was such a shining light of a personality every tme she spoke to me (admittedly not enough times to have too valuable an opinion), I never knew she had a personal health burden, she was always so concerned about making everyone who needed it feel loved, and making sure injuctices didn't go without comment. I was stunned to hear she had left us.

I've been reading her posts in the Dissections of the First Chronicles and I've wanted to reply to many of her posts, but unsure what the proper way is to address the reply...My instinct is to address it directly to her, but, I'm not sure how that may be received?

Thanks for sharing this, I look forward to following the thread

[Fire Daughter]

Were the "Most Beautiful and Tragic Time of My Life" and "painful to Leave" stanzas because she had a diagnosis that made her believe her time was limited, or did she just have a feeling, or was it in keeping with the Chronicles and Thomas Covenat and the Land? I only met Tracie recently, but your mom was such a shining light of a personality every tme she spoke to me (admittedly not enough times to have too valuable an opinion), I never knew she had a personal health burden, she was always so concerned about making everyone who needed it feel loved, and making sure injuctices didn't go without comment. I was stunned to hear she had left us.

Huggles to you sindatur.

Mom was actually in excellent health when she wrote that entry. In fact, she was in the first stages of pregnancy with my little brother, Stevie at the time. When she wrote about finding the Watch going to be a journey of both joy and sorrow, it was purely premonition. Mom saw and heard and felt things that, at times, went beyond understanding. She always said that the reason she was brought to the Watch was to "save" Isaiah. Which she did. She knew of Isaiah long before she even joined, she had dreamt of him and when he finally posted here, she recognized him immediately. There is so much in her journals about Isaiah, so much more than what she ever revealed here.

And others followed. Souls that called to hers, dear friendships she made here. Some were lost to her. And some were helped by her. So, when she said that it was going to be one of the most beautiful and tragic times of her life, I'm sure that is what she meant. And the leaving..well, she always knew she "would not be long here".

We thought it would be longer than it was though. I had my mother for 19 years. Meggie, my baby sister, only had her for 3. Our lives are a bit darker now, the joy is less, and I know that's not what she wants. But, as Brian so eloquently said a few months back...

You must understand, we have not yet reached the place where sorrow has no hold. We still see only through a glass darkly. And so we can't help but feel loss. And I can't help but weep.

It's a bit less painful, my heart has mended some, but I am far from being at ease with my mother's passing. Being home helps, I feel her and hear her and read her and dream of her...but, it is so not enough. Not nearly enough.

[Fire Daughter]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post another one of Mom's journal entries. Here's the one she wrote the day we lost Zia...