Kevin's Watch

lorin wrote:17 years of 'service' with the homeless
I have had to do it all, I have seen it all
I have had my break lines cut
I have had my tires slashed
I have been caught in riots
I have resuscitated junkies
I have carried out dead infants to the ambulance
I have had my power steering lines cut
I have talked a homeless man off a bridge
I have had my rib broken
I have had my tooth knocked out
I have had an infant die in a bucket of their mother's vomit
I have had the side of my car painted with the Blood's love letters
I have pulled 2 year olds with broken noses away from drunken parents
I have seen 12 commissioners come and go
I have seen a hundred thousand homeless faces

I sit and read this and I think, "Wow, she's so beautiful and brave."
Okay, I'll add the option "or stubborn in ways I find impossible to begin to fathom" just to try not to embarass you...
But I still say maybe all of the above.

lorin wrote:No do-overs here.

Sounds like you're saying that door is firmly shut...
I'm sorry.

Linna Heartlistener wrote: I sit and read this and I think, "Wow, she's so beautiful and brave."
Okay, I'll add the option "or stubborn in ways I find impossible to begin to fathom" just to try not to embarass you...
But I still say maybe all of the above.
.

Exactly what I was trying to find the words to say.

Oh God Lorin. I am so sorry to hear that. You deserve so, so much more than what life is handing out to you right now.

So sorry to hear that, lorin

As others have said, there is at least some giving even as the 'lord' (he sardonically refers to the "powers that be") taketh away. They'll have to be some adapting to circumstances, but you can do it!

Sorry, lorin. And sorry for my late response to this.

How are you doing?

Well......I walked out. Actually I fell out. Let me tell you what happened. On Wednesday morning I got up at 3am, arrived at the train station at 4:30am to be in work at 7am. I paid 600 for a monthly train pass and 100 for a subway pass. I also boarded my dog to the weekdays at 30.00 a day which came to another 600 a month. I got on the train at 4:45am and arrived at Penn Station at 6:30am. Climbed 6 long flights of stairs, rushed to the subway and arrived at my job at 6:55am.

At 8am I met with the Commissioner and got my assignment. The work load they gave me was four times what the previous worker with the assignment had gotten. The previous worker had 8 shelters to audit their legal cases, do the reports and train the staff on legal procedures. When I was given my assignment the gave me 29 shelter to work with. That means I had 120 cases A WEEK to audit for legal, maintain reports for 29 shelters and train the staff in 29 shelters. It became clear to me that this was a method of pushing me out since they needed my slot for the new director.

At 5pm (yes 5pm) I left the job, squeezed into the #3 subway to Penn Station. When I arrived at Penn everyone was staring at the boards. There was no track # for each train. When, after 45 minutes the board said "track 18" literally a thousand people rushed to the track, pushing onto the the train to get a seat. I was not one of the lucky ones and stood the entire hour and a half. At 8pm I arrived home. I ate some oatmeal for dinner, took a shower and by 9pm I was in bed.

On Thursday at 3am I got up, did the whole thing over again.....BUT...........I was in my cubicle with no office supplies, no working phone or computer, trying to get everything working, surrounded by a ton of people who were not speaking to me and the same commissioner walks by. She looks at me and says "you were supposed to be in a training today" I say no one informed me of a training and she say, in front of everyone, very loudly "you are being paid as a manager, start acting like one."

At 4:30 pm I left from my second day at work and was going down the stairs at Penn when my right leg started acting weird and dragging. By the time I got home it was numb and kept folding under me. And that was that, I had a meltdown. A complete meltdown. I cried for about 2 hours non stop. And then I knew it was over. Done.

I called and left a message for the commissioner that I had a reinjury of my leg/back from a previous fall. I went out on comp. I will put in for my partial pension when the comp is exhausted.

I am done. AND I am relieved. I woke up this morning almost happy and full of realizations.

Realizations to come.....................

I'm so sorry, honey.


That was almost too painful to read to get to the ending part.
You have fought battles well and nobly.
You still have (so much of) your heart intact, (and better than merely "intact") and you have a future, lorin.
Your heart does bless others.
I doubt I can speak to the pain and costs, though.

While I am incredibly happy you have finally decided to stop letting the shelter system suck the life out of you, I am so sorry that it took so much out of you first.

Three years ago, when I took a job that looked right but was dead-wrong, you helped me see that it was not going to work and that I needed to walk away after a couple months. Thank you. It allowed me to turn my life around in so many ways.

Now it is your turn.

Onward, dear lorin! There is so much ahead of you. Heal. Thrive again. May there be joy, peace and love for you...

Dear Lorin. The penultimate line says it all. Onward and upward!

lorin:

Good call, honey. How's your leg? I wouldn't be surprised if the numbness cleared up as soon as you called in.

Also -- take time now to document *everything*. I'm sure NYC has some sort of employee grievance board you could file with. Even if you don't think you would ever file, document everything anyway.

Feel well soon, then yes. Onward!

Day one of the Beginning....

Thank you EVERYONE for the boost, I needed it, I need it.

It is not going to be easy to stop and start again midstream in a new direction. I think part of the issue is going to be HOW I do it. I have never been much at working the government dole (except of course the government job). I always feel like I should throw myself on the floor and apologize for taking any money. So.....I have come to realize this workman's comp thing may not last. It's a legit claim but truth is I need to work and with this claim I cant work. I was hoping to get some of the sick time restored which would add to my pension but I just don't think so.

Onto to my realizations.

1. My first stunning realization is that this needed to happen. Someone needed to wrest this job from me. (the shelter job) I think the work in the shelter had substituted for many things in my life, actually it substituted FOR my life. The building became my home, the staff became my family and my children, the clients became my wayward children. It became too easy not to try and make a life for myself. I had tremendous pride in everything that went into (and out of) that building. And when they took it from me they took my life.. But I think you have to throw out the old to make room for the new.

2.............(after my walk)

Isn't it unusual to get congratulations on getting out of job? Well, in any case, more of them: you dropped that blood-sucking job, for new and happy changes.

Well done, Lorin. I know often you don't feel strong, but from over here you look like goddamn Superwoman. Hoping for wonderful things in your future!

lorin, sorry to hear how you're treated by those at the old job. It may be better for you, but I wonder who really needs help, those you've helped over the years, or those who are tasked w/helping them.

You've left NJ? Say it ain't so!

Hi everyone. Cambo, Effaeldm, Frostheart and Cyberweez, I wanted to apologize for taking so long to respond to these well wishes. I have been in lala land for the last few weeks but I'm finally surfacing.

Everyone's words are very kind and very much on point.
To answer your question, Cyberweez, I left Jersey right after hurricane Irene took the first floor of my home. I moved into a rental in Long Island. Truthfully I really miss the shore. But the house was too much for me. Unfortunately Sandy took the house big time one week before closing. I actually would like to move back to the shore, to a rental but it's not going to happen.

Now, lets see - what point am I in my evolution? I am beginning to look at this thread as an evolution of sort.

When I hear the way things are going at that agency I KNOW I made the right decision. Everyone (not here) was telling me to sue sue sue. But I decided against anything like that. I am working very hard at letting go of anger and blame. The the bare bones truth is that I got myself into that condition. Nobody chained me to the shelter, nobody forced me to work for 17 years at a job that I didn't believe in, doing things I was no-longer proud of. I made that decision, it is my responsibility. I have come to realize working for that system was my strange was of hiding from the world. It was my excuse not to .......(fill in the blank) Not to have a family, not to have a relationship, not to write, not to, not to, not to. Lost in plain sight.......that was me.

In an effort to get 'unlost' I am doing some things. I have attended two writers groups in the local bookstore. And I really enjoyed myself. Off the point, but not really, here is another way I became Lost in Plain Sight over the years. I always moved to a place not knowing anyone, not fitting in to the neighborhood and then placed a 'judgement' about the people around me. I would never try to meet these people, get to know the people in these towns I lived in. I did the same thing with my newest town. So I forced myself to go to the writers group as well as a Pitchapalooza (get to one of those if you can). And the people were great! So friendly and open.

Another thing I did was I gave myself a holiday gift and signed up for a dichroic glass fusing class. Can't afford it and don't care. I will live on rice and beans.

I am not saying things are perfect. I am terrified of not working. I am sending out resumes left and right. If I can pick up any city, state or county job for the next 2.9 months my pension will return to normal. Your pension is based on your best 3 consecutive years and I already have that so if I can become the county gardener or librarian I would still have the same pension. But Sandy really KILLED the job pool so who knows. The only thing I know for sure is if I retire I cannot live in this area. $$$$$$

Anyway, that's it for now. Thanks again, everyone.

lorin wrote:The only thing I know for sure is if I retire I cannot live in this area. $$$$$$

Getting away from there (yes, I know -- once you secure your pension) is entirely a Good Thing, not just an economic necessity. Pick someplace, or some places. You have friends all over the country...nay, all over the world.

You have a wealth of experiences from which to synthesize. Find a situation where you can let your self be creative, then write something and get it out there. In the course of doing that, you will gather more experiences that will be fodder for more creativity, which will generate more experiences that lead to more creations. And so on. Like a flywheel building momentum, it can become a self-sustataining process...once you give it that first push that starts it spinning.

Begin.

Sounds much better already - and in any case at least you'll know how it turned out in less then three months. If I may suggest, if jobs are really that scarce it may be good idea to look not into what you expect to be able to do, but into what is available, either picking something you're more or less acquainted with or getting training. I ended up in quite a situation when I finished studying and the kind of job I aimed for was seriously cut down nationwide - and I did try looking for something more or less close, but ended up looking at what was in demand and so was able to find a job I could readjust myself for - and it turned out much more interesting than the one I studied for.

lorin, I'm glad to hear you're doing some creative work!

Pitchapalooza is for books? Or movies? Or...?