Kevin's Watch

This is the greatest thread ever! This is the funnest contest ever deer, Doc and Zorm, you guys are so funny! I keep rereading all the entries over and over again, good stuff

Thanks guys. I'm enjoying the other entries greatly too; they're so hilariously bad.

This line in particular had me in gigglefits:

shur-Lord Gudatetris wrote: Lord Trevor: The robotic suit is useless! It’s just old space junk!

Pitch-perfect! This is my favorite part:

shur-Lord wrote:Linden(indignant): I know because….!
Covenant(angrily): How do you know?!
Linden: I know because….!
Covenant: How?! How do you know?!
Linden: I know, because I have never loved another man the way I LOVE YOU!
(Covenant and Linden kiss passionately)

Only a few more days to go. Get the entries in! Remember, we decided to extend a little. You have till sunday, end of.

We expect an entry, Sgt.Nullo! Blow our freakin minds.

Just to keep my hand in my own game....



From the creators of UP, FINDING NEMO, and THE INCREDIBLES,
The next TOWERING Adventure.
----“Oh dear, did Lena go mountaineering without her galoshes again? Those are some ugly looking clouds.”
In a world where GIANTS walk…and TALK…
-----and that was elevensies on the first day of creation…Oh! You’re awake! I let you rest for three days, you looked like you needed it, but I kept telling the story because giants love families, and nothing says family like your sweet mama sending you off with a bedtime story and being there when you get up. But this is a good place for a respite, my throats a bit tickly, or perhaps dry, parched even…what’s your home like?”
-----“Well first, the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they died, and then they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came, and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And then Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di’s clothes. I couldn’t believe it, he took her best summer dress and went to town!
The LAND
-----[speaking directly to audience/camera] The Land? Really? What’s next? Someplace called “the Earth.” What a marooooooon.
Where Horses run FREE…
-----[A large horse, at podium. Glorious ballroom filled with many somewhat Asian-looking men and a few tall white folk in robes with sticks] So….as we see in Paragraph 7, subsection 3, we guarantee timely arrival on all occasions if, and only if, the proper summoning ritual is performed…that being, as noted elsewhere, 3 whistles if the summoner has taken “The Vow,” or an invocation by name if summoner is a member in good standing of the Council of Lords. At all other times, we will be found running FREE in the grass, frolicking with the Flower Children.
Forests Dark and Mysterious sing
-----[a forest primeval, so vast and tall, only trunks and darkness can be seen. Flashes of something white, tall, thin moving beneath] “Koombayah, Lord Mhoram! Koombayah! Whose the Blind Dude, Lord? Koombayah”
A hero from far from home…
-----“I always hated scenery!! It’s either boring or full of SNAKES!”
One man,
------HELLFIRE! Can’t you see I’m a LEOPARD! [meeeooow].
One Ring,
-----[Tall beautiful slightly ethnic, and threatening, figure a-la the djinn, with a wink towards the camera] “Not THAT ring. A different one. [long evil laughter echoing away]
One last chance for Love…
------ELENA…Put the Stick Down, and step AWAYS from the Colossus!...This is your last chance!
And Laughter…
-----Ghosts!! Can you believe that? Ghosts! That’s freakin hysterical! Gimme a damn Scoobee Snack, I’ll give ya a laugh. Freakin DIE laughing….
To conquer Evil.
-----It’s not my fault! I’m just pixelated that way!
If they dare….
-----Why the hell is everything always HIGH or SHARP? Hellfire! That was a close SHAVE!

RINGTHANE: The Beginning.

Oh, Vraith. Say it isn't so...

deer of the dawn wrote:Oh, Vraith. Say it isn't so...

Shocky face? What isn't so?

Oh, a computer animation movie starrimg animals. I hope Tom Hank is going to be TC!

Last day of the contest! Linna, get it in gear and post your entry. You too, Null.

A sample scene draft for confirmation

Camera zooms in, showing a marvelous place. Don't skimp on special effects here! A lot of shining and glow effects, don't necessarily stick to green, who cares for that if it looks good.

A man in shackles is standing on his knees there, looking like worse than nothing. Oh come on! How could I make a leper rapist the hero? For what kind of audience? He looks pretty disgusting, enough to finish the attitude to him for those may think being a leper rapist may be not that bad, but not too much not to spoil the look of the scene.

An incredibly handsome man is standing in front of him. He has light radiating from him. It's supposed to be kinda green, or greenish at least, but oh well, that may spoil the view, either forget it or make it fade into brilliant radiance immediately, perhaps with some varying coloring. As for the dark part, I guess something like passing shades may do, not in the unpleasant-looking way, but kinda mysterious. Of course, I had to get a hero somewhere, since that leper one is out of question. And, surprisingly, I found there was a very decent one in the books, a perfect one in fact. Not like I'm stretching a bit, he's literally described as complete perfection, whatever can be better?

He nicely tells the leper not to prolong this unpleasantness, that he doesn't purpose harm. He also offers to preserve the life of his friend and to give him health. A beautiful scene as the perfect one waves an arm and the leper becomes healthy, looks like he begins to shine from the insides himself.

But the leper is unmoved and refuses impolitely. The perfect one still tries to be forbearant and pass the leper some of his wisdom. The leper gives instead a long-winded array of frases that hardly make much sense and basically mean he thinks he can stand where parallel lines cross.

The leper has the outcome of his refusal, he looks horrid again, even worse. The perfect one tries to tell him he may infect the others and shows him how that may look, and how he may ruin everything, but the leper still refuses him.

Then they fight, if special effects were awesome and enormous at the start, here they may be above anything done before, a complete light show! I guess we cut out the strange scene with laughter and the like, does anyone think it makes sense? Well, it wasn't going to look awesome anyway. Then the perfect one radiates some particularly beautiful light and the leper falls down. What, did you expect him to win? Are you reading books or something? The ring falls from his finger and rolls away. Oh come on, of course I wasn't going to let the hero of the story touch that to take the ring off. And how much of those fingers may he have yet anyway?

I really don't think Greenpeace is that popular, but ruining a whole world isn't a way to end a film that's supposed to make money – not too much of a popular idea among people, and our hero is supposed to be merciful to enemies to get more sympathy. So, that arch thing gets a hole in it that kinda stretches like a... oh well, imagine whatever you like, it stretches and lets out our hero and our camera, leaving the Greenpeace-approved world behind.

Effaeldm wrote:...A man in shackles is standing on his knees there, looking like worse than nothing. Oh come on! How could I make a leper rapist the hero?...

It's supposed to be kinda green, or greenish at least, but oh well, that may spoil the view, either forget it or make it fade into brilliant radiance immediately, perhaps with some varying coloring. As for the dark part, I guess something like passing shades may do, not in the unpleasant-looking way, but kinda mysterious...

Hahah, this is VERY much in the spirit of the Bad Writing Contest Effy, very much in the spirit of things!

Of course, I had to get a hero somewhere, since that leper one is out of question. And, surprisingly, I found there was a very decent one in the books, a perfect one in fact.

also, this one had really cracked me up, vraith:

vraith wrote:-----and that was elevensies on the first day of creation…Oh! You’re awake! I let you rest for three days, you looked like you needed it, but I kept telling the story because giants love families, and nothing says family like your sweet mama sending you off with a bedtime story and being there when you get up.

A flustered woman hands some papers to the assistant, "I helped finish this for a friend of mine… oh, er, were you the one who gave her that marketing research report? thanks.. had no idea what things people respond favourably to! ..anyways, I just made a few changes to these scenes; I think I've managed to keep it true enough to the original story that fans of the books will still run with it too.. you know like that one with the elves… "

[Scene: Sidewalk just outside a store. Small Boy is playing on the sidewalk. Thomas Covenant is walking by, suave and cool, with his head held high, and the small boy looks up at him.]
Boy: Hi mister, what's your name?
(Covenant reaches out a gloved hand to shake hands with the boy.)
Covenant: Tom, and you?
Boy: Billy! Umm--Why-do-you-wear-a-glove-on-one-hand-and-not-the-other?
Covenant: Ahhh… don't worry about that.
A woman walks out of a store and rushes over to her son.
Woman (looking down at Boy): Now, Billy, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers.
Covenant: (putting a hand forward to shake) Sorry, I didn't introduce myself. My name's Tom.
Woman (to Covenant, looking up shyly, as though he catches her eye): Oh, sorry… didn't mean to be insulting… Hi, my names Holly. [reaches out and shakes his hand, oblivious to the presence a glove one one hand, no glove on the other] You know how children are… just trying to teach him good habits and all. Are you new in town? I hear there's like a hospitality "Welcome Wagon" and what not… have they come by your place?

[Scene cuts to: Central square of the town, late afternoon.
A restaurant has an outdoor cafe area that opens up on to the courtyard.
The courthouse, with large sculpted heads, stands gleaming in the light.
The courthouse has an electronic billboard, where life-size caricatures of the sculpted heads talk and joke with one-another cheerfully.
Joe, a clean, well-dressed homeless gentleman, is sitting under a homemade banner that says, "Attention folks!" playing the violin, his open violin case brimming with cash.]
[A few women, bustling by with groceries, stop to wave at the homeless gentleman.]
Woman 1: Hey Joe!
[Homeless gentleman tips his hat.]
Woman 2: Today's been a good day in the music business, huh, Joe?
[Woman 2 gives Joe the thumbs-up sign. Her teenaged daughter and young son smile and wave.]
[Joe leans back and gives a satisfied sigh.]
Joe: Yes, indeed.
[Exit Woman 1 and Woman 2.]
[Restaurant owner comes outside, waves to Joe.]
Restaurant owner: Hey Joe, will you be able to take requests for evening serenades tonight, as usual?
Joe: Of course.
[Joe tips his hat.]
[Restaurant owner tips his hat to Joe.]
[Enter a young man. He walks up to Joe with an air of exuberance.]
Young man: Joe! How are you? Guess what? I took your advice, and things are going really well for me now! Anyways, my wife and I would like to invite you to dinner whenever you have time. And when the nights get cold, would you do us the honour of coming and staying at our place? - we have a guest room. Unless you have other offers from folks in town & you don't want to turn them down - if so, we understand!
Joe: (smiling broadly) Of course, of course.
Young man: Alright great... anyways, I really better hurry home.
[Exeunt Young Man.]
[A group of teenage guys walk by, and one dashes over to Joe and gives him a high-five, then re-joins his group. Then two of his friends sheepishly turn around, run up to Joe, and high-five him as well.]
[Enter Thomas Covenant, who walks up to Joe very sincerely.]
[Joe fidgets with his music stand, taking it apart, to set it up closer to the outdoor cafe.]
Covenant: (fidgeting with the glove on his hand) I have a problem I wanted to ask you about. A lot of things have really changed in my life lately...
[Joe pauses, and looks Covenant very sincerely in the eyes.]
Joe: Hmm… Stuff happens. I betcha two-to-one you sleep on things, and you'll be a new man by tomorrow.
Covenant: (a bit startled) Well, alright… sure thing.. I guess I'll be going then.
[Covenant steps out into the street, and is hit by a police car.]



(I think I've been wanting to write something that's this kind of lame/awful for a long time... )

I loved the high fives!

Linna Heartlistener wrote:...

Of course, I had to get a hero somewhere, since that leper one is out of question. And, surprisingly, I found there was a very decent one in the books, a perfect one in fact.

...

Thank you) I was hoping someone else may appreciate the idea... he's so perfect and somewhy doesn't get much love)

These were all so wonderful that I want as many people to read and vote on them as possible, so I made a poll here:
kevinswatch.ihugny.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=878271#878271

I would say it is permitted to vote for yourself!

Vraith wrote:Man...this was the hardest decision yet, by far the hardest. I ended up choosing Deer just because I've been muttering about [and trying to visualize] the GofL since I first read it...if it's stuck in your head it must be terrible and/or special. both work for the thread purpose.

Thanks, Vraith. It's good to know I can be evil when I want to be. And yes, my "say it isn't so" had to do with the Disneyfied/Pixar version of the Chrons. If that happens, just shoot me.

Rainbow Dash with the Guitar of Law! The arch of time is truly rupturing!

High Lord Elena summons the spirit of Kevin the Wasted

Vraith wrote:if it's stuck in your head it must be terrible and/or special. both work for the thread purpose.

This... is an excellent criterion.

For me, I think the clincher was "(screen starts flashing lots and lots and lots of action sequences: clips from battles, explosions, stabbings, Lord’s fires erupting, Fire-lions leaping down Mount Thunder, etc, etc)."

Also, Shuram- the fact that you managed to totally mess with the factual premises of what happens in the story... and still carry along the personality of the characters.
Esp. Linden having "[Indignantly]" and "(looking incredulously at TC)."

I am just thrilled to death that these entries all exist. If I get zero votes, I am still pleased as punch that I wrote the darn thing. (sort of cathartic as well)

effy wrote:Thank you) I was hoping someone else may appreciate the idea... he's so perfect and somewhy doesn't get much love)

Also, this made me laugh. Nice sig, too effy... it's like this thread has... its own cult following by now.