Kevin's Watch

Yikes!

Doh!

And the winner is ...

Spoiler

Dlbpharmd.

There a number of entries that got an audience vote, and a few that got 2 audience votes. Of these, I thought the nun one was succinct and profound, and didn't use overly excessive hyperbole, or haggis.

woo-hoo! Gimme my money! I'm going to DisneyWorld!

Thanks, WF. This thread is alot of fun! The downside is that now I think in "like a man" terms.

Hopefully I'll get a new contest up by the end of today.

Well, I have another 500, so here goes.

This Week's Contest

This weeks contest is to create for us a captain of a ship that can be found in the Gap universe.

Please identify the following features of your captain and ship:

• - name:
  - description:
  - gap sickness:
  - ship's name:
  - description of ship:
  - ship's drive:
  - offensive/defensive capabilities:
  - description of crew:
  - mission/purpose/business:

At the end of the contest, we will have a giant space battle, and the winner of the battle will win the prize. Hint: a sense of humor is an unusually powerful weapon.

For example:

- name: Briney the Rum Pirate
- description: Arr! looks like a pirate.
- gap sickness: squawks like a parrot when excited
- ship's name: the Blistering Barnicle
- description of ship: an acretization of space debris
- ship's drive: gap oars
- offensive/defensive capabilities: anti-matter cannon, pro-matter cannon, and doesn't-matter cannon
- description of crew: just my first mate, Mr. Dinkles
- mission/purpose/business: to explore the universe and fill me hold o' rum

As usual, audience participation is encouraged, necessary, and appreciated.

(Entries are accepted until I post the winner.)

Having not read the Gap cycle, I'm pretty much clueless here, so I'll bow out of this contest. However, I'll freely join in goading - er, encouraging the other contestants.

Yeah, I'm out this time too.

Well, blame me for trying to widen the audience. Perhaps I have backfired.

Then again, you don't really need to have read the Gap to play.

About the only things I can think of that would be good to know are (a) a gap drive is a hyperdrive for "crossing the gap"; (b) gap sickness is a mental problem emerging from using a gap drive. Everything else you have to make up anyway, so what's the difference?

There. Now play!!

- name: Dinky Clownface
- description: Former Circus Clown turned rogue
- gap sickness: incessant balloon animal creating
- ship's name: The Happy Elephant
- description of ship: Bulky with a biosphere to cultivate algae needed for fuel
- ship's drive: Algae fueled dimension drive
- offensive/defensive capabilities: Flower shaped guns that shoot jet propelled water and cannons that shoot whipped cream pies
- description of crew: Bunch of Freaks
- mission/purpose/business: To make other ships encountered in space laugh so much the crews don't realize the freaks are stealing them blind.

Name: Flirtina Zeal
Description: a potbuckling sexwasher - er, I mean a swashbuckling sexpot
Gap sickness: a facial tic that looks a lot like suggestive winking - and a light touch of Tourette's
Ship's name: Tranquil Badonkadonk
Description of ship: tight, fast and fierce in the front (like a woman who will not be ignored), along with some seriously sexy junk in the trunk
Ship's drive: Acme Hypersashay Swayback Drive - with wings
Offensive/defensive capabilities: Six-inch spike concussion missiles, a solid-beam potpourri laser w/ death-blossom setting, and a pack of singularity mimes
Description of crew: a collection of buff mandroid "personal assistants" - they are all named 'Todd'
Mission/purpose/business: to kick ass and deliver satisfaction to the universe - while bein' stylicious, natch!

dw

Bright Beauty dropped out of the gap into normal space light years from any planet or station. Angus Thermopyle poked at the controls like a man looking for the switch that will turn off the Chapel show. One by one, the lights on his ship went dark. Soon, all that could be heard was the wheeze of the scrubbers, and the drip drip of sweat on the foul cabin floor.

Angus was hiding.

Space was big. Too damn big. People who thought it could be ruled were kidding themselves. A ship could hide just about anywhere. Turn off all its lights and active sensors, and it was just a black speck on a vast black canvas. A canvas a billion lightyears across.

Suddenly, another ship was there, twelve thousand miles away. Too close to be a coincidence.

It looked like a goddamn elephant created by a blind, one-armed, deranged clown making baloon animals. And it dribbled a trail of green slime as it drifted through crepuscular space.

Like a man so scared that he seemed brave, Angus took action. He knew how to handle clowns.

He prepared his matter cannons for a rapid powerup. And he waited for the elephant to drift across his sights. When it was in his cross-hairs, he'd have the last laugh.

Suddenly, another ship appeared! F***! Angus wasted no time. He powered up his engines as quickly as he could, and veered toward Amnion space.

The new ship came in shooting, like a woman with only half an hour to shop. Sunshine fresh petals blossomed along the balloon ships hull. Damn! Who could afford solid-beam potpourri lasers?

Only someone working for the UMCP. The United Mining Companies Police could be trusted to do two things. F*** up. And have the gayest equipment this side of the belt.

Angus could not wait to get the hell out of there.

Suddenly, his board clammored like an old man who didn't want mustard on his burger. Bright Beauty's drives had gone out. Sensors detected cream pie in the thruster tube.

That was when Angus knew that Dinky Sheepf***er Clownface was after his ass.

He fired everything he had at the clown's ship. Hulls ripped open, spilling algae into the void. The second ship sashayed right into that mess, got green all over it's hot new pumps. It had to pull out and bitch for a while.

But Dinky wasn't dead in the water yet. Another salvo of jet propelled pastries plastered the side of Bright Beauty. Angus lost most of his forward sensors. Damn.

Angus rolled his ship to the side. Just in time to see a the girly ship launch a string of small, black and white objects towards the gap between the other two ships. Bright Beauty was on a trajectory that would collide with the clown ship. And the objects were headed for the space between them, like a suit running towards a closing elevator door. As he neared, Angus got a better look through his port sensors.

Oh -

... Angus punched in a command sequence. Unbuckled from his seat. He ran to the back of his ship. ...

- my -

... He grabbed a dingy spacesuit from a locker. Thrust in his legs. Shoved in his arms. Screwed on the helmet. ...

- god.

... He punched the emergency override and let the air escaping into vacuum pull him through the airlock into space.

Mimes.

Every ore pirate, claim jumper, rock jockey, and smuggler in human space feared mimes. Silent killers. Some said they were once human, until the Amnion practiced alien arts upon them, torturing them and changing them until they ceased screaming. Forever.

They were coming towards Angus as he jetted across to the other ship. They were waving their arms and legs as if they were somehow moving against a strong wind. Their eyes gleamed mercilessly with reflected starlight, and their lips pouted with feral glee.

That was when Angus's codes triggered Bright Beauty's self-destruct.

The concussion sent the mimes careening out of the battlezone and into the void. They pretended they were trapped in a box one final time, and then they winked out of visible existence.

Angus was slammed into the The Happy Elephant. He was saved by it's cushiness. He didn't wait for an invitation to Dinky's party - he pulled out a cutting torch and forced his way into the ship.

- - - - - - - - - -

Flirtina Zeal pounded the arm of the captains chair in a weak and cute way. Then she checked her nails.

"Todd!" she called. A cyborg stud approached servilely. Flirtina punched his chest a few times, and then rested her head on his beefy shoulder. Her rage faded quickly.

Then, squaring her shoulders and her cleavage, she got back to business. "Todds, prepare a boarding party. And take Tranquil Badonkadonk over to that nasty ship. I want you to dock with that ship. And I want a decaf cappucino, cinnamon, but not too much, and some of that nutty stuff, not hazelnut but the other one, and wipe the foam off for me the way I like it."

- - - - - - - - - - -

Inside The Happy Elephant, Dinky was making exaggerated searching motions all over the command module. This was how he looked for everything. Right now, he was looking for someone who had cut through his prized algae bilge and boarded his ship. He looked behind a chair. Nope. He looked behind his second's leg. Nope.

No one noticed that another ship had docked with theirs until they heard a loud kerthump. Pratfalls ensued. Dinky and his crew of freaks failed to get up and fell all over each other four or six more times before they finally got all standing again.

"Cap'n!" yelled one of the freaks. "We've been cornholed!"

"Aye," replied Dinky. And then he smiled a wide, toothy clown smile, the kind that freaked squeemish people out and scared kiddies. "Aye, lets go get 'em. Set your seltzers on drench. And I want the horns all the way."

He and his crew headed out of the command module, honking toy horns as they went.

- - - - - - - - - - -

To be continued.

I'm hooked!

Hahhhahahahaha! Nice one Wayfriend.

Continuing.

- - - - - - - - - -

Flirtina entered The Happy Elephant dressed to kill, wearing a satin wonderbra, matching panties, and big feathery angel wings. She brought along four Todds, armed with deadly fashion sense and blasters.

They had found their way to the cargo hold when they heard horns. Flirtina paused; something inside her thrilled at the sound of horns.

The hold was filled with circus equipment and algae processing units. But the sound of horns seem to be coming from the far side. Flirtina waved her Todds into flanking positions, and ducked behind a box of confetti.

Freaky men in clown uniforms emerged into the hold, squeaking their horns and holding bottles of seltzer at the ready. Last into the hold was a tall figure dressed in loud colors and a bad hat. As soon as Flirtina saw this figure, she was stunned. No one could dress that bad.

"Lets give 'em a makeover!' she cried. And her Todds opened fire.

Hats and buttons flew everywhere, stung by blaster fire. Suspenders were cut; trousers fell. Bit by bit, the freaks were disrobed, revealing garish underwear.

But the tall one opened a pink parasol that absorbed blaster fire. From behind this bulwark, a stream of seltzer emerged, arcing over the equipment and landing on the other side of the hold, near Flirtina. Then the far end of the stream started moving across the hold - he would soon be zeroed in on Flirtina's position.

Oh, snap.

Wings pumping, Flirtina flew into the air. Her BR-enhanced bosoms fired a stream of deadly lightning at the clown.

When the streams crossed, there was an explosion. "Ow!" yelled the clown man. Sucking his blackened fingers, he fled the hold.

Flirtina swooped in pursuit, into the ships passage.

The scantilly clad freaks jumped in a clown car, and sped down the passage in persuit of the diva.

The Todds stared at the floor for a while, poking it with their toes. The captain had their balls, and she was gone.

- - - - - - - - -

Angus peered around a corner. Another passage; empty. He started down.

He had no plan other than to kill everyone who crossed his path. All he had was a laser cutter and some other tools in his suit's belt. He was moving forward on the ship, looking for the command module.

Just as he was passing a passage on his left, he heard the sounds of blasterfire ahead, and close by. He ducked into the side passage. It was an airlock, and the doors were open, and on the far side was another ship.

Angus never needs a long time to put two and two together. Not when it equals evil.

He headed into the other ship. Although it reeked of perfume and had too much faux-fur trim, it seemed deserted.

He found the command module. He sat in a chair before the engine board. As soon as he worked out how to operate the sashay drive, he plotted a course for Amnion space. It took a while to reach the speed necessary for going into tach, as this ship was dragging along another. But he was undisturbed for long enough to engage the gap drive.

Then he set about locating the secret UMCP communications device that he was sure would be around.

- - - - - - - - - -

Dinky was running down the passage for all he was worth when suddenly something grabbed his hair and yanked him backwards. He twisted around and landed on his back. Something like an angel landed on top of him. He gazed into her eyes. She gazed back.

Then chemistry struck like you would not believe. They started sucking each others' faces.

The clown car was going about forty when it struck the two lovers. Freaks flew everywhere. Clownus interruptus.

A freak landed on them. Oomph. Something popped in Dinky's pants. Then they all heard a raspberryish deflating sound. The angel got a disappointed look.

Then they went into tach.

- - - - - - - - - -

There was a lone, frightened Todd hiding in a utility closet next to the command module. Through the grilled door, he watched the poorly dressed mean man enter the module and operate the boards.

He didn't know where the ship was heading. But one look at the mean man's dingy spacesuit was enough to realize that they weren't going anywhere trendy.

He grabbed a Swiffer, and quietly left the closet.

Angus turned to see the mandroid standing over him, the cleaning tool held high over his head.

"F***" was the last thing Angus said. Then the handle of the Swiffer split his skull.

"You're not even supposed to be in this game!" harped the Todd petulantly.

Then he looked at the board and pursed his lips. He didn't have a clue what to do with it. He did nails.

- - - - - - - - - -

To be continued again...

More, more!

I'm lost. Is this some new contest?

This is the giant space battle that will determine the winner of the contest. Unless I'm totally lost, too.

aliantha wrote:This is the giant space battle that will determine the winner of the contest. Unless I'm totally lost, too.

Ah.

Excellent work Wayfriend! And that is not just sucking up either!

Whatever it is, guys, don't commit wayfriendus interruptus! This story is a whole lot more entertaining than Alien vs. Predator ever was.

Yes, it is. . . Reminds me of Red Dwarf. . .