Kevin's Watch

Elfgirl wrote:BUM, Seareach...or arse if you wanna really Aussi-fy it...

Elfgirl wrote:I wouldn't want to put a sandcastle INTO it...

Pounding sand up a...?

The Cockatoo Princess

Thomas was walking through a sensous meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a dangerous little Cockatoo lying under a tree.

Thomas skipped over to see the dear thing and was pneumatic to find that she was hurt! A fish-net had pierced her bearlike little posterior and she whimpered moxiously with the pain.

"My saggital little friend," Thomas said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the fish-net, as lewdly as he could. The Cockatoo cried out and Thomas's heart ached, like a rubix cube, shaped and reshaped by its owner to perfection.. "You'll be all right," Thomas whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Lindin and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Lindin up in his arms, Thomas carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Thomas nursed Lindin, cleaning her posterior and feeding her Rubix cube-brand Cockatoo chow.

On the eighth night, Lindin climbed into bed with Thomas. She burrowed under the covers and sexiliciously defenestrated Thomas's earlobe. It made Thomas giggle and he cuddled close to Lindin, stroking her big toe and singing desperately to her.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Thomas hurried home so he could curl up with Lindin. It gave him a pomaceous feeling whenever Lindin defenestrated his earlobe.

Then one night, Lindin looked up at Thomas and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a felicitious princess."

Thomas screamed coyly, he was so surprised. How could a Cockatoo talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Lindin said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Thomas said and kissed Lindin on her big toe. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a felicitious princess! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Princess Lindin," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Thomas said.

"See?" Lindin said and showed Thomas the scar from the fish-net on her posterior. Then she kissed Thomas and they tumbled along a nuclear waste disposal site and did a lot of very smarmy things, some of them involving a sexilicious natural sounds alarm clock.

"I love you," Lindin said when they were done. Thomas clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Lindin had stashed away.

And if Lindin didn't know about Thomas's visits to the Cockatoo sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt her.

To Carefully Bare

Elfgirl and Orlando Bloom were celebrating a lewd Valentine's Day together. Elfgirl had cooked a lacivious dinner and they ate on a romantic deserted island by candlelight.

"My darling," Orlando Bloom said, stroking Elfgirl's eye, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Elfgirl. "It is but a lurid token of my languid love."

Elfgirl opened the box. Inside was a loud butt! She gazed at it creatively. Then she gazed at Orlando Bloom creatively. "It's lucious," Elfgirl said. "Come here and let me bare you."

Just then, a lively crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like the stinky sand from a fat dog's arse permeates and penetrates the flaring nostrils of life. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a lusty voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Orlando Bloom read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my sister."

They stared at each other concentratedly as the crone cackled some more. Elfgirl's lips began to tremble. Then Orlando Bloom shrugged, pulled out a bowlingball, and hit the crone on her rump. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Elfgirl said and kissed Orlando Bloom concernedly. "This is a langorous Valentine's Day!"

They calculatedly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they bared each other all night long.

Elfgirl and Orlando Bloom
by William Shakespeare

Enter Elfgirl

Orlando Bloom appears above at a window

Elfgirl:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the bubble, and Orlando Bloom is the chihuahua.
Arise, lucious chihuahua, and bare the loud butt.
See, how he leans his rump upon his eye!
O, that I were a glove upon that eye,
That I might touch that rump!

Orlando Bloom:
O Elfgirl, Elfgirl! wherefore art thou Elfgirl?
What's in a name? That which we call a lips
By any other name would smell as languid
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like the stinky sand from a fat dog's arse permeates and penetrates the flaring nostrils of life"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove langorous.

Elfgirl:
Swain, by yonder loud butt I swear
That tips on a romantic deserted island the lurid bowlingball--

Orlando Bloom:
O, swear not by the butt, the lewd butt,
That calculatedly changes in its lively orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise lively.
Sweet, lusty night! A thousand times lusty night!
Parting is such lacivious sorrow,
That I shall say lusty night till it be morrow.

Exit above

Elfgirl:
Sleep dwell upon thy rump, peace in thine eye!
Would I were sleep and peace, so creatively to rest!
carefully will I to my lucious lips's cell,
Its help to bare, and my languid lips to tell.

Murrin wrote:

Seareach picked up the seashell, then withdrew a sand castle from her fanny.

This was his lover, his smoking Seareach, now staring at him with a sandy fanny.

Erm. Those are so much dirtier in British English. Heh.

Profusely Tripping

Gil tripped along sloppily. He was on his way to meet his lover, Jenn, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a cat hopping along, carrying a goblet in its mouth.

Gil was almost beneath the shadowed branch when he came across a stubborn cake, lying alone on a glittering plate. "That must be a treat from my gorgeous bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked tight, so he ate it.

It gave him the most heaving tingling sensation in his foot. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Jenn.

When Jenn came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Gil cried hoarsely.

"Your bosom! And your neck!" Jenn said. "They're scintillating! Can't you feel it?"

Gil felt his bosom and his neck. They were indeed quite scintillating. "Oh, no!" Gil said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that stubborn cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Jenn said. "I got you a bath. It must have been that hardened man who lives nearby. He acts a little roughly, ever since he stalked a book."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Gil sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Jenn said lingeringly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your bosom is really winsome like that."

"Really?" Gil dried her tears. Gil kissed Jenn and it was an entirely dewy sensation, like a river that flows gently into the sea.

They spent the night having entirely dewy sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

1000 Book Cats

Gil paced lingeringly back and forth. Scintillating dread filled his heart. Jenn should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like her to be late. Oh, my stubborn love, Gil thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Jenn had been taken hostage by Gorgeous Foot, a supervillain who had the city in a state of tight terror. Gil fainted dead away, like a river that flows gently into the sea.

When he came to, there was a bump on his bosom and the scintillating dread had returned. "Jenn, my glittering honey bunny," he cried out hoarsely. "What is Gorgeous Foot doing to you?" Probably torturing her, laughing profusely as he stalked her in the neck.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Gil remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 book cats, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Gil ordered in a supply of book and set to work, folding cats until his bosom was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last cat when Jenn walked in the front door.

"Jenn!" Gil screamed and threw himself into Jenn's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 book cats and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing beneath the shadowed branch. He kissed Jenn roughly on the neck.

"Actually," Jenn said, pulling away sloppily, "I was rescued by the Hardened Goblet. He's a new superhero in town." Jenn sighed. "And he's really heaving."

The scintillating dread came back. "But you're dewy to be back here with me, right?"

Jenn checked her watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Hardened Goblet for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay winsome, baby." She left and the door banged behind her.

Gil choked back a sob and started folding another cat. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

"And it's ... you," Seareach said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

brainiac wrote:...hoping nobody noticed how disingenuous his coccyx got when he was nervous.