Internet dating?

[Infelice]

Would rather date a real person than an internet.

I'd think an Elohim wouldn't bother to date anyone, particularly in re: What Happened Last Time.

We all have our moments of weakness EL

[emotional leper]

Would rather date a real person than an internet.

I'd think an Elohim wouldn't bother to date anyone, particularly in re: What Happened Last Time.

We all have our moments of weakness EL

Yes. The Cheese is Allpowerful.

[dANdeLION]

I can tell you why women lie in their online profile. It's because 95% of men who post online profiles are looking for The Perfect Woman: tall, blond, cute, "athletic build," no older than 30 (okay, maybe 35, but she damn well better have taken care of herself), etc. Read the "Men Seeking Women" section of any personals ad listing and see if I'm not telling the truth. I can't imagine that online dating services are that much different than the personals. Hence, either heavier women have to lie or they need not apply.

It's still a lie. The fault's not with the men for advertising what they seek (why is it always the male's fault these days?), and plus you're exaggerating about how many men seek those type of women. I've lost count of how many women are chasing rich brad pitt types with great cars. Yet very few men lie about having those qualities. But if people are that insecure to lie about their identities, then it's their own fault if they get hurt. You don't try to start a relationship by falsifying things

Yeah, I'd like to add a thing or two here, too. I, like Cail, am a divorced man. When I was going through the divorce, and for a few years before the separation and subsequent divorce, I was forced to see how I looked to my spouse, my family, and my friends in ways I had never done before. It was quite sobering. I was hurting people and had little or no idea about it. Hell, even when I was still in my marriage, I managed to find someone online, grow close, and hurt her. I didn't mean to, but my life was just so freaking opressive at the time I didn't know what I was doing. I was depressed and wanted anything that could make me less so. Anyway, after the divorce, I was left with myself, and had nothing but time to see who and what I was. I dealt with my loss, I dealt with my shortcomings; I really tried to be brutally honest about everything, because I couldn't just lose so much that was so important to me in such a short time and not try to figure out how to keep it from happening again. I also had to come to grips with trust issues I had with my ex, because over the years she had done things in such a way as to make me lose all trust in her, and I mean all. I fought to keep our marriage, but I knew I'd never be intimate with her again because I knew that had been destroyed between us. So, with all due respect, if a woman thinks things are going to go better for her if she lies to me, she's fooling herself. Hell, even if I didn't come from a bad marriage, the fact that she lied to me (assuming your reasoning here, Aliantha) would tell me that A) she isn't comfortable with who she is, and B) she thinks I don't really know what I want. Honestly, I don't need to babysit a woman like that.

And if they're smart, that's another strike against 'em.

Smart women are very sought after by men.

Yes, definitely. I cannot stand idiots, no matter what they look like. My ex is very intelligent; that is a lot of what attracted me to her in the first place.

[Cail]

Great post dAN. I couldn't agree more.

[SoulQuest1970]

I agree Dan. It should go both ways as well. No one should lie in a relationship because it destroys trust. My heart goes out to both of you. I know how devastating a divorce is. I think it is important to be comfortable with who you are before you try to get into a new relationship. I was so lonely after my husband left us and cried a lot and even whined to my sister-in-law. She told me I should wait until I was happy with my own company before getting into a relationship. I so didn't get it at the time. I tried going out, but did not find anyone I was ok with. Then I figured I would chill for a while. Then all of a sudden, what she was saying made so much sense. Now I am happy with who I am. Old friends as far back as high school are blown away at what a different person I am now. They ask how I can be so truly happy being a single mom struggling out of poverty. I tell them that happiness isn't what you look like, how much money you have, where you live or work. Happiness is inside of you and only you have the power to decide to be happy despite your circumstances. I may not be thrilled with my weight and I am taking action to fix this, but it may require accupuncture again. This fluffy chick even bought a mountain bike! I have been informed by the study I am in that I am pathetically healthy and my weight is a result of 18 years of anorexia destroying my metabolism. Still... I have been 116 lbs before and I still hated myself. I have deduced that my weight does not define who I am as a person.

The point to this ramble is not to let any of your flaws define who your are and your choice to be happy.

[aliantha]

I totally agree with y'all that lying is a mistake -- in an online dating ad or anywhere else. Lore, maybe the personal ads are different where you are (and if they are, I'll be right there! ), but I am not exaggerating about the ads here in the US. Roughly 90% of the guys who advertise are looking for some variation of "tall, thin blonde".

SQ, you are 100% correct that you need to be comfortable with yourself, and know who you are, before you link up with somebody. Too bad my ex-husband hasn't followed that advice; he's now in the process of dissolving marriage #3 (I was #2).

Marv, have fun with it -- and yeah, let us vet the contestants for you.

[Fist and Faith]

The point to this ramble is not to let any of your flaws define who your are and your choice to be happy.

I'll say it again and again and again: www.geocities.com/happinessisournaturalstate/

[Cagliostro]

Heh....I asked this exact same question in June a year ago at another forum. They gave some great advise, so I'm going to try to do the same. Basically, once you get to the emailing back and forth, try to cut it short and get to the meeting, but only if you are feeling a connection. What I was told is if there is a real connection, the litmus test is the meeting, not the emailing. The first person I spoke to I was having so much fun emailing back and forth that we kind of became friends but never quite wanted to meet up. I think we both figured out something about each other that made us not so interested, and she had something in her head that said "men must act like men." I was a little offended over this, especially as she had never met me, but also because it seemed like it kind of goes against who I am.

So, I tried a little experiment. I posted my first and ever ad. It read, "Girly man looking for humor and intelligence." I was doing it the cheap way, through Craiglist, which is free. I figured I'd get my feet wet and then pay money if I wasn't finding anyone. All the ads read like a Christmas wish list and not a real person. What I did in the ad was play up my girlish side, but did state that I am heterosexual and basically rewrote what I did before, which I thought worked well as I injected enough humor in it to at least please me. But I was so discouraged with the online dating thing so far, as well as the old fashioned way of meeting strangers in bars, that I just thought I would have a bit of fun with it. I figured the ones that want jocks would look at it and move along. That's fine...I'm not a jock, and I don't want to be with someone who only wants jocks. I figured the smart ones would be able to read between the lines and see that I'm not completely serious, and if they couldn't, they wouldn't get my sense of humor anyway. So I thought it was a pretty good experiment. I did it not expecting any responses, and figured I'd need to "man up" if I didn't get any, and that maybe this lady was right. I got three responses the next day. One gave a great reply, so she was first to get a reply from me. The other two I responded to as well, but was a bit shorter with the reply, but still had fun with it. One I didn't hear from. One I heard from one more time. The first that gave the great reply, we went on a date, which was probably one of the best "dates" of my life (I mainly hooked up with people I knew, so I've only ever been on a few "dates" in my life). We are now living together and very happy.

And she is 37 and has no kids. That kind of worried me, and there is something of a reason, but a small one I can definitely live with. But she is beautiful, and the skinniest girl I have ever dated. And we get each other's sense of humor.

So I guess it somewhat matches the advice of an earlier poster who said "make yourself look like an asshole" so you can only get better from there. I guess I somewhat "lied" for comedic effect, although I'd like to think of it as "exaggerated my feminine side." But I was very honest from the beginning, as I have become a very honest person in my old age.

Words of warning: She had been on Craig's List for years, and I consider myself lucky to have found a good match from my first ad. She didn't have the same luck, as she kept getting jerks or psychos (her and her friend called men on Craig's List "pot pies" as they tend to be flaky and full of shit). Then again, I'm a nice guy who is in touch with my emotions and generally isn't on the market for long whenever I do go on the market, so maybe she's lucky.

One last key word of advice - don't look for someone who is just like you, which is why I think Match.com can go wrong. The more you try to match characteristics exactly, the more likely you are to find someone just like you. I found someone just like myself in many ways, and I grew bored. I realized that I didn't want to date myself. There wasn't anything new to learn. I find the people in relationships need to be somewhat different so that it arrives at a harmony rather than both singing the same note. You just have to worry about those discordant notes along the way.

[Tjol]

My advice: Don't. Do. It.

Here's some history for you (my experiences):
1st lady I met: She lied about her age, and pretty much everything else. Was still seeing her ex while we dated.

2nd: Liar.

3rd: Just wanted sex, and was quite crazy. Thought I was violent because I wrote a short story about a violent man.

4th: Dumped me because I am an epileptic and don't have a car.

I'd steer clear of net dating. Mind you, going by my experiences outside of the net, it's best to stay single!

Yeah, but the same happens in meeting people day to day as well you have to admit.

The part about staying single deserves a few words too. This is adressed to the general 'you' rather than specifically to Loremaster.

My father said something to me a little while ago, referring to an uncle, who while single had everything going for him, and then chose a person to marry who does more taking and not much giving in the marriage, and really has had a lot of hardship since...

If things are good while one is single, there's no need to be desperate about finding someone, as being with the wrong person will be worse for you than finding no one at all. So make sure you look for the right someone rather than just any someone. If you're ever doing the latter, take pause and consider what you do have, and let go a little bit of what you don't have in the present.

[Loredoctor]

Yeah, but the same happens in meeting people day to day as well you have to admit.

Very true. Honestly, the whole dating scene is annoying.

If things are good while one is single, there's no need to be desperate about finding someone, as being with the wrong person will be worse for you than finding no one at all. So make sure you look for the right someone rather than just any someone. If you're ever doing the latter, take pause and consider what you do have, and let go a little bit of what you don't have in the present.

Well said. At the moment I am very happy being single, and the thought of trying to find someone is not an aim at the moment - or ever. But you are right.

[SoulQuest1970]

Plenty of fish is free and you can block different characteristics like age, smoking, drinking, etc. So only people you set up the parameters for can message you.

[Cail]

Plenty of Fish is creepy as Hell. I was on for a whopping 48 hours, and I'll never go there again. Without exaggeration, every response I got was from a cougar trying to get her freak on with me.

[dANdeLION]

Can I set it to filter out anybody who's not Sophie Marceau or Scarlett Johansson?

[Cail]

They're both younger that you. Cougars are older women. The majority of the responses I got were from women in their early 50s.

[dANdeLION]

I know what a cougar is! And Sophie is only 2 years younger than me, and she's what I'm really angling for here.

[[Syl]]

Plenty of Fish is creepy as Hell. I was on for a whopping 48 hours, and I'll never go there again. Without exaggeration, every response I got was from a cougar trying to get her freak on with me.

I told you using your KW avatar as your photo was a bad idea.

[SoulQuest1970]

Yikes! I haven't had any bad experiences there. So far at least.

Maybe the guys are different. I am no cougar. I can be if anyone wants me too. Ack! Nevermind. I am not over 50.

[Holsety]

Lore, maybe the personal ads are different where you are (and if they are, I'll be right there! ), but I am not exaggerating about the ads here in the US. Roughly 90% of the guys who advertise are looking for some variation of "tall, thin blonde".

I'm just going to say this right now...

I prefer black hair, and then redheads.

[SoulQuest1970]

Redhead!!

[Cameraman Jenn]

Cail wrote:

Plenty of Fish is creepy as Hell. I was on for a whopping 48 hours, and I'll never go there again. Without exaggeration, every response I got was from a cougar trying to get her freak on with me.

Sheesh, Cail, I said I was sorry. Sorry about the fifty emails and all the crazy stuff. I didn't mean it. Honest. Now can we get our freak on?