Kevin's Watch

I took a lie detector test today....no I didn't.

Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, and they all drowned. The next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." St. Peter waved sadly, and poof! Down the chute to the "Other Place" they went.

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said St. Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and poof! Down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't looking good, Fanny."

If a doctor doctors another doctor,
does he doctor the doctor the way the
doctored doctor wants to be doctored,
or doctor the doctored doctor the way the
doctoring doctor wants to doctor the doctor?


If PRO is the opposite of CON,
then the opposite of PROgress must be...

A drunk was stumbling along side the river when he came upon a group of people from the local church that were getting baptized by the pastor.

So the drunk says (in the best inebriated voice you can muster): What are you guys doing?

Pastor: we are helping people to find Jesus and get baptized. Would you be interested?

Drunk: sure.

So the drunk waddles down into the water and the pastor pushes him under the water for 10 seconds, pulls him up and asks: have you found Jesus yet?

Drunk: no.

Pastor pushes him under for 20 seconds, pulls him up and asks: have you found Jesus yet?

Drunk: no.

Pastor pushes the drunk under one last time for 30 seconds, pulls him up and asks: how about now, have you found Jesus yet?

The drunk comes up spitting water and replies: are you sure he fell in here?

Solve the Graffiti problem: Take the spray paint from the Sucks family!

I Wonder when they invented circumcision? It must of been during the Iron Age because there are things I can't imagine doing with a rock.

Two young brothers are plotting before going to sleep. They decide that it's time to start using bad language, and agree that they'll both try it out at breakfast time next day.

So when mum asks the older boy what he wants for breakfast, he says 'give me some bloody rice crispies and make it quick.' Mother slaps him so hard around the head that he falls off his chair, and runs out of the room crying. She asks the other brother what he'd like. 'Well, I don't want any f*cking rice crispies, that's for sure!'

Well..I have a new girlfriend,and she is cute! Matter of fact, thats how she got her name. When she was born her mother said, " She looks like me." Her father said, " No, she looks like me!", "" No! ME!", "Me!"..So they called her Mimi. Shes got a real ugly brother tho..His name is YouYou.

I Love it when it rains! I Love to run stop signs when it rains. Then the cops have to get out of their cars.." You know why I pulled you over?".." Yes officer, You know why I ran the stop sign?"..Hey why have money if ya can't enjoy spending it?

lurch wrote:I Love it when it rains! I Love to run stop signs when it rains. Then the cops have to get out of their cars.." You know why I pulled you over?".." Yes officer, You know why I ran the stop sign?"..Hey why have money if ya can't enjoy spending it?

That's excellent!

Excellent? Sounds weak to me. Taken as a joke, which I'm sure it was intended as, it's just lame. Taken seriously, if you have that kind of money lying around, you should give it to charity, instead of driving recklessly in less than optimal conditions.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to
pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, Im looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have carport, and not need one."

"I mean. What are your relations like?"

"All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?"

"No, I always up before her."

"Why do you want this divorce?"

"She going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I got proof."

"What kind of proof?"

"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'."

Heh, that's more like it. It reminds me of our Puertorican drummer, who's always wanting to know when our next 'geeg' is.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ..... I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

Not everybody here has the same sense of humor. Take Dandelion, Please!

Nice additions, all! Glad to see Cail doesn't have to pull the sled all by himself.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and
comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along."

What is the "speed-limit" for sex?

sixty-eight... after that, you have to stop and turn around.

AjK wrote:Nice additions, all! Glad to see Cail doesn't have to pull the sled all by himself.

I'm still waiting for Cail to back the sled up over Lurch.....Jaz, you're doing great!