Kevin's Watch

Thanks, StevieG.

Actually, for this one it just "came to me" - a sequence of events which wasn't really a story because it had no point. I sat on it until I realized that what Nom needed was what Hawserbraid had, and that seemed kind of profound in a "holy crap that actually makes sense" way. Now it was a story. So - to finally get to your question - I guess I had the whole thing in my head before I wrote it, but on the other hand, it came into my head in small pieces in a random order. I think the oldest bit is Kurin greeting Hawserbraid, and Deel swinging out on a halyard. It made no sense by itself ... I just had this notion about Nom, hanging around Brathair dressed like a person, needing Haruchai to speak to people, but the Haruchai for some reason would only work for a short while, and so there was a replacement process, which meant Giants and Ships. Yes: weird.

Vraith wrote:I think...but I'm not going to go back through it now...there is one word that "doesn't mean what you think it means."

I must know.

That was surprisingly good, WF. And interesting. I think you got the authorial "voice" just about right.

Vraith's post above brought out my inner grammar and semantics Nazi, so I took a relatively small tooth-comb to your text and would advise the following:-

Throughout.

You have a habit of preceding an "and" clause with a comma, a thing which chafes slightly if one is to be a stickler.

Chapter 1.

"He chose to rest cautiously" is an improvement over your split infinitive of "to cautiously rest".

"His pestilential journey"? A somewhat odd use of "pestilential", even with the nature of Hawserbraid's burden...

Chapter 2.

"...in that one, something to which his Giantish spirit could not warm, even..." reads a lot better (and is more correct) than your "...something which his Giantish spirit could not warm to."

"His crew felt it, too; Haruchai reticence alone did not explain the silences that pervaded each watch that had Deel on deck." The double "that" is inelegant, so change the first one to a "which"... so "the silences which pervaded each watch that had Deel on deck."

"...a youth with curly hair, brown skin and no hint of humor or compromise..." reads better, rather than the two repeated "ands" of your "...a youth with curly hair and brown skin and no hint of humor or compromise."

Chapter 3.

"Hawserbraid was familiar with Haruchai ways and so did not pursue..." You omitted the "not".

"...almost before his destrier had been reigned." It's "reined", not "reigned".

Chapter 4.

"...transformed with walls and embowerments ..." I've never heard of an "embowerment", though you may know better.

"Then he ventured, “You’re livery is unfamiliar to me.” It's "your", not "you're".

Chapter 9.

"But the oars could not operate in the natted weeds". I think you mean "matted".

"For some moments he lied gasping on the water". It's "lay", not "lied".

"Hawserbraid was loathe to command..." It's "loath", not "loathe".

Chapter 11.

"...by grasping course protrusions with Giant-strong fingers". I'm sure you mean "coarse", rather than "course".

Later in this chapter, Hawserbraid is "cowering at the balustrade", but in the next breath, he's "taunting" Deel. Sure, I get why, but I think you could do with adding an "abruptly", so the sentence would then read "Nom cannot redeem your people," taunted Hawserbraid abruptly. "You would serve only ruin." Otherwise it's a slight "hang on a second" moment for the reader, who hasn't had Hawserbraid's strategy revealed to him yet.

Chapter 12.

"In the center of a damp hole lie an ornate cabinet..." You mean "lay", instead of "lie".

Chapter 13.

"...measured the cadence of the swings for a moment, stepped up to its limit haltingly and then leapt forward." I'm unsure whether "haltingly" is actually what you intend. Typically, when applied to movement, "haltingly" means "with a limp", but we know that Deel isn't injured at that point, because next second, he leaps. Figuratively, it can mean "hesitantly" or "timidly", but neither of those fit the character of a Haruchai - and especially not one like Deel. If you're looking to suggest a moment of pause in Deel's actions, might I suggest "calculatingly" or "with a calculating pause", instead of "haltingly". (I think this might be the one Vraith picked up on. Either this or "pestilential" back in Chapter 1).

I hope you take the above suggestions in the spirit in which they are intended. I have a genuine admiration for those who are able to create - primarily because my own skills very definitely run towards critique, rather than creation. Plus, I wouldn't have taken the trouble, if I didn't think it was worth it.

Thanks, TF. I've had discussions about comma use before, and in the end I just can't help it: I put them when I feel it wants a pause, and I leave them out when I feel it doesn't, and I no longer fight it. I may retroactively apply some of your other comments, especially the missing "not"! However, I do not believe that "which" and "that" are as interchangeable as you feel.

wayfriend, thanks for getting it done

Would you like critical opinions picking on things or is a statement that you've done awesome work enough?

wayfriend wrote:What Donaldson doesn't say, but which can be implied from many other things he has said, is that fan fiction based on the Chronicles contradicts the very nature of the Chronicles. If the Land exists because Covenant needs it, then anything which doesn't bear on Covenant's needs cannot be told of the Land. Which makes the Land entirely different than Middle Earth, which exists quite independently of The Lord of the Rings. Chronicles fan fiction, therefore, defies the intentions of the author

Actually, I think it's quite the opposite. Something like the Middle Earth is one universe, well, now with many parallel ones, it's not like that initial fact stopped anyone But initially it was supposed to be a world of its own, one and only. However, the Land is

Spoiler

a place never really stated to be or not or in one's mind or in reality, and some things did work in ways hardly possible if only of these statements was true - or is it something in between that is a dream-like reality, a place of a quality not explained in words, a place not only for Covenant, but for Linden, Jeremiah and the others - and why not for anyone else? Why not for the one reading about it? The one who lets the flower grow... There is a faint line between dreams and reality - when is it crossed? Covenant didn't feel he did that at first, and did we? Or does that line exist at all, couldn't we dream it up in another dream?

Cool story bro!!!! Very well done. Quite the build up to the suprise ending!!

Effaeldm wrote:Would you like critical opinions picking on things or is a statement that you've done awesome work enough?

Well, you can post whatever you want to say about it, but I consider what I posted the final draft.

Effaeldm wrote:Actually, I think it's quite the opposite.

I agree that what you said (in the spoiler) makes perfect sense and is a sound point of view.

deer of the dawn wrote:Quite the build up to the suprise ending!!

I am glad you were surprised.

My main concern was that the ending was too abstruse. In consequence, I over-compensated by spelling out some things better left for the reader to see on their own, and then I pulled about half of that back out in the last stages. So now I am not sure if I wrecked it or improved it.