Kevin's Watch

Saturday, October 2, 2004 11:09 pm

Ah love…

We express it, we deny it, we forsake it, we long for it, we live for it, we die for it. Such is the way of love. Such is the way of pain, the way of joy, the way of loss, the way of reaching highs, and the way of sinking down to the lowest lows.

Ah love…

Me? What it does to me? Sometimes I feel as though I have lost the ability to move forward after such losses. The weight of this pain crushes me. To lose a child, a child! My child, my beautiful angel, only with me for such a scant moment in time. Time, so infinite. But not for us, for her. All she knew of life was pain. Pain which now crushes me.

Ah Love! Ah Father!

Sometimes Your teachings allude me. Sometimes Your will breaches the wall of strength I cling too. And yet. Yet. Yet, she now rests in Your loving arms. Yours, all she knows now is Love. Could I hope, pray, long for anything more than that? If she were with me, would she know such glorious love? Would she know the peace? If I grieve, it is not for her. It is for me. My heart’s well of love dipped into once more. My heart’s gaping wound bleeding once more. It is what love will do. It is. If you love beyond fear, if you love beyond boundaries, if you love beyond pain, then the breaking is so much more than simple mending will repair.

Ah Love!

Would it be selfish to sometimes wish that my capacity for such as this was limited? That my expression, my devotion, my drive to give it freely were somehow staunched, stoppered, plugged up?

Ah Love…

Such grace, such sweet sweet grace. Enwrap me this night, ease the pain my heart bleeds out. My angel, my Zia, my child…enwrap her in eternal light, eternal joy, eternal grace. Sweet grace, sweet mercy, sweet love. Love is all, Love is God, God is Love. Love.

Oh, my little dove, fly away and be at rest.
How sweet is thy voice,
and thy countenance is comely.
Thou art all fair, my love;
there is no spot in thee.

Suffer the children to come unto Me.
I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth.
Thy parents shall be willing, willing in that day.
Go up; for I will deliver them.

These blessings shall come on thee,
and overtake thee,
if thou shall hearken unto the voice
of the Lord thy God.

I rejoice at Thy Word, as one that findeth spoil.
A great door was opened unto me of the Lord.
Suffer the children to come unto Me.
I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth.
Thy parents shall be willing, willing in that day.
Go up; for I will deliver them.

Oh, my little dove, perched upon the window sill,
She looks at me, longingly, singing,
"Oh, forget me not.
The covenant is not over between us yet.
Oh, please, remember,
'A little child shall lead them'."

[smiles through tears]

Thank you for sharing.

She is now with all those she lost in this world... and is surrounded by them and Gods love and peace!

Thanks for posting that!

Thursday, February 17 2005 10:12pm

I came close to quitting today. It would be so easy, wouldn’t it? To just throw up my arms and say, “that’s it, I’ve had it, I’m done, stick a fork in me.” Yes, so very easy to lay down and let it all just have its way, let them have their way.

Right.

Like that is really going to happen. Like I would deny me, deny who I am, deny the inner core of my essence. Life is not easy, such a cliché. Such a damn cliché. For once, why can’t it be? Why does everything require so much effort? So much strength? So much will? What if I’m just not that strong anymore? What if I’m spent? What if…

Oh come on, Tracie. Really? What could possibly cause you to feel as though you have run out of everything? It’s not like you haven’t faced this adversary before. It’s not like you haven’t run yourself into the ground only to rise back up and start again. You act like you can’t handle getting dirty anymore.

Ah, the inner voices can be so loud sometimes. I wonder if those around me can hear them as they shout out their admonishments. Hey? Have I not earned the right, maybe just a little bit, to wallow sometimes in self doubt? They laugh and say, “Of course.” But they don’t mean it. They say it only to placate me, an offering of mere appeasement. They indulge me my self-doubt, my moments of weakness, my anger. But, it is fleeting, it only lasts for scant seconds, then the berating begins.

Oh, come on, Tracie…

Lift yourself away from it all and stand tall. Stand there and gaze at it and dare it to beat you down. Just dare it. And once you do, it will all come together as it always does. Failure is something you just can’t live with. You know that. You know, deep down, that you will not quit no matter how weary you become, no matter how angry it makes you, no matter how lost within its grasp you feel. So much for wallowing. That’s not you. Is it? No. Never. Well, maybe not ‘never’.

This is when I laugh at myself. It’s not really all that humorous, it’s more like a chuckle against the odds. What’s the saying? Laugh in the face of your fears? Something like that. So, I laugh and I tell it that it will not break me. Not this time, not ever. Wow, I sound so confident, don’t I? I sound like I really believe it, huh? Well, maybe I don’t right now, but it will come. It always seems too. Somewhere deep inside me the strength is there, the will is there, the defiance is there. Somehow, I’ll find a way to prevail against all that pushes against me.

Ah Father! Sweet Jesus Lord! Grant me your grace this night. On this night when doubt and weakness threaten to drown me. When hope seems to fail me. When fear seeps into my marrow. I know at times I ask too much of You. I know I should make my own way through. Ah but Father, sweet mercy, at times the weight is so debilitating, so crushing. The way of the road I chose to follow at Your bidding becomes arduous, treacherous…and I fear failure. Loss. Enwrap me in Your strength, Your love, hold me up so I may stand again.

Furls always projected strength, support, and positivity.
I do wish at times she let us help her with her own burdens sooner...
She was so hesitant the first time she broached the topic of her inner voices with me in chat.

Thank you for sharing this one, Brooke.
It helps make her more human to me in many ways.

No one amazed me more than my mother did. And I doubt anyone ever will. She was/is the bright light in all our lives. Yes, she was human, but at the same time, so very much more.

The deep breath expelled
over blowing the great winds
stirring up the overgrowth
I stand in the center of the whirl
my arms flay
my legs bend
my eyes close against the debris

Here the world becomes chaos
Here all things shatter
Here the threads holding me together

Snap.

Before the end
Before the great loss
Before I breach the boundary

The great wind blows
and I stand in the center of the whirl --ST(Tracie) McKinney-Hammon

No date on that one. But, it was found folded up inside her journal from September 2001, so we assume it was written during that time.

God, Aunt Tracie...I miss you.

As Brooke says, Jordan.
She is with all of you, always.

I know it doesn't ease the pain.
But have the faith and belief that it is Truth.
...and we here on the Watch will support and hold all of you up as much as you all will allow us to.

What Menolly said.

Tracie's amazing presence is still with us, as it is with you. There are no words for the gratitude we feel for the touch felt when she was here and that continues.

My mother wrote this 20 years ago today...

I love you too, Mom.

Saturday, July 14, 1990 6:19pm

As dawn broke today, I gave birth to my beautiful baby daughter. Brooke Anne McKinney-Hammon whispered into the world at 5:38am, weighing 6lbs 3oz. So tiny, so perfect and so quiet. She let out a yelp then promptly fell asleep. She sleeps now on my chest, listening to my heartbeat and all I can do is watch her in complete awe. What miracles our Lord performs, what gifts He bestows! My beautiful baby girl has so absolutely captured my heart, my soul. There is no other love like this, no other joy.

And I can hear her soul sing to mine. I can feel her soul rejoice at the beginning of life. My daughter; my beautiful precious angel, what will the world hold for you? What glorious roads will you travel? There is so much life ahead for you and me. We will grow together, you will teach me things I have forgotten, and I will teach you all that is in me. Sweet little girl, so small, so innocent, so new, what do I say to you? My eyes drip with tears of joy, my heart swells within my chest and I fear it will burst.

I look over at her father, who sleeps with his chin on his chest, and I listen to his slow, steady breathing. What more could we possibly want or ask for, Russell? Nothing. For this is beyond us, it is beyond anything we could ever hope to have. Our daughter, a gift so priceless, so miraculous. She is the personification of our love, Russ. She is the life and breath of it. She is our own little keeper of our love’s secrets. And I remember your face as she joined us, I remember the pure elation in your eyes as you looked at her for the first time. “It’s a girl!” You shouted in a voice full of tears as they laid her on my chest. It is, was, and shall ever be one the most glorious moments of my life.

And now she stirs, her little head begins to bob as she tries to look up at me….

Happy Birthday, my precious angel, my beautiful Brooke Anne.

I love you.

Happy Birthday, Brooke!
and thank you once again for sharing your mom's journals with us.

How glorious!!

Lovely.

Awesome. Reminds me when my daughters were born, and the conversations on MSN that Furlsy and I had about our girls.

Thanks all.

Has been kind of a solemn day for me. I miss her. It's another one of those "firsts"...first birthday without her. And I tell myself she wouldn't want me to feel this way, but I just can't help it.

Happy Birthday!

And no, she wouldn't want you to feel this way. But she'd understand. And she'd say, "One day you'll have a child. Then you'll understand what you've done for me. You'll understand that, although you'd known love before, it went far beyond what you'd experienced or imagined. You'll understand how grateful I am to you for being born, and for teaching me the most important things I ever learned. You'll know the pride I feel in you, and the pride I feel in myself for thinking that I must have had at least some small part in you becoming the wonderful young woman you are. I love you, dear Brooke. More than words could say if I talked non-stop for a year."

"And clean up your room! Haven't you ever heard of a vacuum?!?"

Love you, Fisty

This...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=v34s4Taweik

touched me so deeply. After you watch it, you will know why.

Fix you, choregraphed by Travis Wall, danced by Robert and Allison.

Sweet sweet mercy (as Mom would say)