lorin's diet blog

[lorin]

ok, take two
Monday, 9/19/11

H.A.L.T.

I hated the AA mentality growing up. I hated the concept that alcoholisim was a disease. To me it was an excuse for my mother to be helpless. But there were a few good concepts I (through my mother ) got out of it. One of them was H.A.L.T., Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. These are the four emotions that can lead to bad behavior, in this case over eating. Although clearly I am tired from lack of sleep, there is more going on here. I am allowing other things to take control and I think it may be Hunger right now. There really are two kinds of hunger. The physical hunger, that low blood sugar hunger that makes you shake and be all jittery. This is the hunger that can make me stand and stare at the fridge or binge on ice cream. When and if I can stop (HALT) and take a breath, find something right to eat the urge to binge can subside. Its just getting to that place that is hard.

But Hunger can also point toward emotional needs: hunger for attention, for comfort, for understanding, or for companionship. This is that hunger that is difficult to feed. And it confuses my mind. I feel this need to fill the void and will fill it with anything that is around. I think, in the last year or so this Hunger has grown. I have lost a great deal this year. Lost my home, the fosterkids, my best friend, stopped longterm therapy and if I look at it closely I have dismissed many of my former friends. This is not necessarily a bad thing. They were people in my life that met a need at the time but were, in the end, very destructive for me. But all this loss has left an emptiness in my life. I need to fill the emptiness and I may be attempting to fill it with food.

Did you ever feel hungry and just stop and try and feel the hunger? Did you ever ask yourself is this really physical hunger I am feeling or is it something else? And why do we need to fill that emptiness in such a panic? Afterall, the hunger I am feeling doesn't hurt, there is no physical pain. It is more of a primordial drive.

So for today, for now, I am going to stop and breathe, listen to my body, and try to make the distinction between hunger and hunger.

[lorin]

Woo-hoody!!!
(as lucimay is wont to say)

Blood sugars at 115 this morning.
Now let's see if I can keep it there!
(...or maybe go even lower)

Let me just say something here, from one diabetic to another. It took me a while to grasp the concept that diabetes is not just about high blood sugar. A diabetic has trouble controlling his or her use of insulin. Our bodies can no longer process it correctly. LOW blood sugar is as much of a danger as high blood sugar. You have to regulate it. High spikes and low spikes damage your organs, your blood vessels and your brain (yes I know that is an organ but it deserves special mention). You are looking to stabilize your sugar on a long term basis, not just drive it down as low as you can get it. ok? ok!

[Menolly]

Thanks, girlfriend.
Understood.

I would like to be about 100 on a consistent basis, no lower. But after hovering around 135 the past couple of weeks, to see my sugars finally go below 120 is exciting.
...to me, anyway.

[lorin]

Thanks, girlfriend.
Understood.

I would like to be about 100 on a consistent basis, no lower. But after hovering around 135 the past couple of weeks, to see my sugars finally go below 120 is exciting.
...to me, anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I think it is excellent, just work on stability. (I'm one to talk about stability )

[aliantha]

Did you ever feel hungry and just stop and try and feel the hunger? Did you ever ask yourself is this really physical hunger I am feeling or is it something else? And why do we need to fill that emptiness in such a panic? Afterall, the hunger I am feeling doesn't hurt, there is no physical pain. It is more of a primordial drive.

So for today, for now, I am going to stop and breathe, listen to my body, and try to make the distinction between hunger and hunger.

I'm telling you, you and Geneen and I are all on the same page. Here is her most recent book on emotional eating.

I listened to podcasts of her "virtual retreat" last fall. It was great. The stop-and-breathe and listening to your body, differentiating between physical hunger and mouth hunger -- she talks about all of that.

[DukkhaWaynhim]

I am running and working out 4-5 times per week these days. I am building muscle, which is my goal. Trouble is, the high cardio activity I'm engaged in gives me a false sense of freedom to overeat and eat the wrong foods - the foolish notion that by running several times a week I have stoked the metabolic furnace so high that I can throw any old thing into it and be just fine.
This is hogwash, and not all of the weight I am gaining is muscle. It's fat. I know this because my clothes are fitting differently, but in both good and bad ways.
To combat this, I need to regulate my food better. I hate doing this.
Funny enough, and in contrast with Lorin, who wishes to cook less (?), I feel as if I need to cook *more*, but for myself, not others (it's just me and my dog) -- I know that my high reliance upon restaurant food means I am consuming too many calories, and far too much junk.
I used Atkins to reach a normal weight range. I found the hard/fast rules useful as a tool for weight loss, but my personal opinion is there is no way a normal person can "live an Atkins lifestyle."
So now, I am attempting to simply 'eat right', and failing in the short term. This is very hard, as there is always some food-centered occasion mucking things up, and all the weight lifting I'm doing makes me very hungry. I *should* be able to eat less. I *know* what a proper portion is - but I am fooling/sabotaging myself when I say "I ran this morning, I can eat another slice of pizza". I sure can, but it means that I gain no ground, and each will-slip makes it easier to will-slip the next time, because the next time it comes with the momentum of habit. My take on this whole thing is that it really isn't about diet - it's *all* about habit.
Extreme diets like Atkins use nutritional trickery to meet specific goals, and many of them can work in the short term -- I know because I succeeded on Atkins. However, what they don't do is prepare you with the discipline to function long term, once you decide to lay off the nutritional trickery.
For the most part, I do not engage in emotional eating -- and now that I'm divorced I am no longer subjected to secondhand emotional eating . My problem is that I simply enjoy some of my old bad habits, and occasionally summon them like zombies - like the (wrongheaded) satisfaction of eating an entire pizza as a meal. I know it's bad for me, but I will occasionally unleash the beast and feed it a whole pizza. My hope is that because I don't do this very often any more, that the momentum of my good habits will carry me past the occasional pig-out.

Lorin - I feel for you, to try to be doing all the good-for-you things amidst what sounds like a lot of personal turmoil. Just know that taking care of yourself first only *sounds* selfish - but it enables you to take care of others so much more effectively, because you are stronger and better centered because you are already meeting your own needs. My only suggestion about whether or not to use the scales -- if you choose to do so, don't weigh yourself more than once every other week. If you are eating right more often than not, and are active more often than not, and are finding constructive ways to deal with or avoid people/place/thing triggers, the scales won't matter, because you will be able to feel the difference, just as you were able to feel when you were becoming unwell.

And the best advice I have gotten so far from anyone is this: Regarding food and exercise, it is impossible to undo in a single day what you accomplished in the previous six. To me, that means that we must forgive ourselves the little failures, and not obsess over them, as long as we are navigating well the majority of the week.

And somewhat like AA, only take it one week at a time. I was certain I would never lose 60 pounds. So I didn't -- instead, I lost 10 pounds, 6 times.

dw

[Cameraman Jenn]

Went out on Sunday and got a bunch of mixed greens and romaine hearts and lots of good salad veggies and a big hunk of salmon. I prepped it all up and so I have easy assembly salad for a few days with already cooked salmon. This makes it so much easier because the quickest easiest thing to eat in the house is SALAD WITH SALMON. Yum.

[lorin]

Tuesday, 9/20/11

Gray, cloudy day. I don't like to walk in the rain because it is too much to hold an umbrella and deal with helldog. Yesterday I did my full evening walk, 2 miles of hills. The down walk is harder on me than the up walk. But I did it. The woods walk is 3-4 miles but I can only really do that on weekends.

Going to work armed with a load of healthy stress food. Baked apple chips, cold sliced chicken to put in a salad, some roasted red pepper/ tomato soup. Began a new supplement regime today.

So to continue my thoughts on H.A.L.T.

Anger. A major issue for me with food. There is nothing wrong with the feeling of anger. But I have never learned how to express anger constructively. I think there are really two ways to express anger. Inwards and outwards. I have never been one to rail at another person. I may make some remarks, but mostly my anger turns inward. Some anger turned inward has been called depression. To me they are two different emotions with the same outcome. Self destruction. Since I cannot harm (or even express my anger) at someone I harm myself. I have many ways to harm myself. One way is to eat in a Kamikaze fashion. To hell with (pick the person) or to hell with me, I will eat till I drop. It doesn't matter anyway. Very young stuff. Not an easy space to get out of.

In theory time-outs would be best. A moment to breathe, a walk, a scream, a jump in a pool. But I can't seem to do that. At the moment of rage I go to the fridge. So for me, until I learn to recognize these internal rages for what they are, until my muscle memory tells my brain "Hey brain, you idiot, you are NOT hungry, you are ANGRY, until that time I need to keep it (food) out of reach. I would really like to get to a normal point. A point where I can put a cake in the fridge or some chips in the cabinet without being driven to FINISH them NOW. I look at my normal (or should I say somewhat normal( friends and marvel at their ability to put a brick of cheese in the fridge and find it there a week later. For me those foods haunt me until they are gone.

I would love to learn how to express my anger.

Have a healthier day, everyone.

[Menolly]

Are you able to journal or draw when "hungry," lorin? Not publicly, but sitting and handwriting something? Perhaps attempting to do so would give you the "time out" you feel you need until the urge passes?

As for me, right now I feel I can say the following:
"Medius is my friend.
Index and dexter, not so much."
...bah.

[aliantha]

Just got back from lunch. I already had several things lined up to do this afternoon, and while I was at lunch, several more dropped into my inbox. It's a good thing I don't have any cash in my wallet or I'd be hitting the junk food machine. As it is, I'm contemplating a run to CVS next door for crap food... Can you say "stress eating"?

[DukkhaWaynhim]

My favorite goto food is popcorn. Specifically, Orville Redenbacher Movie Theater Butter, in a microwave bag. I just buy a Costco mega box and I'm set for snacking. 2:20 seconds in my microwave, pop open a Diet Sunkist or a diet A&W in a frosted mug and I'm set.

The closest I get to candy these days are the low-sugar protein bars I eat as a post-workout supplement and midafternoon snack. 170 calories, but 15g of protein. I always make sure I have a supply at work.

These items satisfy me without bankrupting my nutrition goals or literally filling me up. The popcorn feels splurgier than it is - the salt and butter levels are surely more than any diet plan would say is good, but it works for me, because it means I'm not eating a whole pizza or a box of oreos.

The protein in those bars is high enough that it keeps my hunger at bay until I can have a proper and balanced meal. Well, okay, it only keeps me from looking at the vending machine.

Speaking of which, none of the food in my company's vending machines are good -- because I know exactly how that food makes me feel afterwards. Gross and sluggish. Those little helpful colored checkmark labels they put on their vending junk only help to sell the junk to people who need their vending machine browsing guilt assuaged. It is still vending machine junk. Blech! Duplex cremes and snickers bars? Really?

dw

[stonemaybe]

(the water question - no benefit to cucumber and lemon/lime, it just makes it taste better so it's not a chore to drink lots before mealtime. Takes your stomach about 20-30 minutes to communicate with brain about empty-hungry, full-replete. Fill it up with water before a meal and you fool the brain, a bit)

(DW- why not make your own popcorn in a pan? It's cheaper and really tasty even when you add NOTHING)

(Lorin, *hugs*)

Some more random bits....

If you drink wine, drink it half and half with sparkling water instead of 'straight'.

NEVER eat after your main evening meal. Just stopping this and doing nothing else, I lost 6kg in 6 months.

Use an oil sprayer rather than pour from the bottle when cooking.

[aliantha]

Hey Stone -- Any comments on my question about thyroid meds and eating plans?

[stonemaybe]

Hey Stone -- Any comments on my question about thyroid meds and eating plans?

Missed that one, off to look for it.....

[DukkhaWaynhim]

(DW- why not make your own popcorn in a pan? It's cheaper and really tasty even when you add NOTHING)

That's true, but mostly its about convenience for me. 2:20 in the microwave, putting dishes away in the mean time, and voila! Buttered Popcorn in a convenient bag!
Or, I can grab my popcorn pan, load it up with properly measured popping oil and corn, and watch and tend it constantly for 5-15 minutes while it does its thing, and then have a pan and a popcorn bowl that need to be washed afterwards. I know that isn't much effort in the grand scheme of things, but I'm willing to pay the extra $ for that convenience, and I can avoid doing a few more dishes.

dw

[Cameraman Jenn]

I'm cutting soda out of my diet again and I'm also reducing my coffee intake (unsweetened but with lots of half and half, I likes it light and bitter) and supplementing my caffeine needs with unsweetened iced black tea instead. I did ok today with yogurt and granola for brekkies and salad with salmon for lunch and salad with steak for dinner but I cheated with a tiny can of cheddar cheese pringles. I was so hungry after the yogurt, before lunch and totally craving salt. It's still much better than my horrible recent history of snacks AND junk food meals. Plus I did some crunches this morning and I worked my belly muscles when I walked to BART. I power walk, extending my step and walking hard and fast so that I can feel the stretch and workout in my legs and butt and I clench my belly muscles and alternate this with rolling them. I can roll my belly muscles in a waterfall ripple motion like belly dancers do. You can't tell I'm doing it under my baggy sweatshirt so hopefully I don't look too crazy. But every bit helps, right?

LORIN, thanks to you. Your anger posts made me think hard tonight. I vented in the how do you feel thread and even though I had managed to put a positive spin on some stuff and vent out the majority of my feelings I still felt a bit irritated and I found myself taking a step towards the fridge and then I realized you were so right about triggers that I redirected myself and buried my face in a love session with my Mooseman waggy doggie happy love. Absolutely no urge to hit the fridge now. It's amazing what a face full of warm waggy unconditional dog appreciation for attention does for a person.

[DukkhaWaynhim]

I drink a lot of diet soda, never less than 40oz each day. It's the only persistent remnant of my diet from before I seriously started losing weight in 2006, and I am living proof that AFAICT it has not harmed my weight loss or muscle building goals to date.
And now I hear from *everyone* that I should cut it out completely, but the reasons don't seem to really apply to me. Mostly, I just don't want to -- it's like my *only* little daily treat, and people are trying to tell me its bad.
Fruited water sounds like punishment, a nutritional rap on the knuckles. I hate fruit. I h-a-t-e fruit. If it comes down to it, I'd rather drink plain water - but diet soda is a magical substance that satisfies my need to take in something yet consume no calories. Water doesn't do that. It just bloats me, and forces me to make extra trips to the restroom.

Further, I'm not convinced that aspartame discombobulates the body's sugar regulation mechanism. I haven't seen the data that supports this - only assertions by physical trainers and self-proclaimed health-conscious people once they hear that I typically drink equal volumes of water and diet soda each day. They claim that switching to only water will make magic happen. I suspect that switching to only water will make tragic happen.

dw

[lorin]

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Late entry today. Stupid meetings that consume time and do nothing……………grrrrrrrr. I was going to work on Loneliness as part of the H.A.L.T. but not ready to discuss it. To quote Scarlett “tomorrow is another day”. I broke a rule already. I ate in the car. Blech. I ate ¾ cup of dry raisin bran and a sugar free red bull. I was rushing, no time this morning to eat, so another rule broken. Not sitting down to a meal. I think they call that absent eating.
Was thinking about triggers today. I have a few. Well maybe more than a few. The car is definetly one of my bigger triggers. And late nights are a trigger. I mean when I get hungry at night I don’t go to the kitchen and take a peach, or a cup of herbal tea, I take leftover pizza or some crap like that. But I guess my biggest trigger is actually food. Ok that actually makes more sense than it sounds. If I stay on a diet, I do not feel urges. But just one bad thing sends my body into the twilight zone. I start wanting everything and anything. I cannot eat just one of the bad thing and walk away like other people. The biggest difference between “me and them”.
Menolly suggested a journal and Jenn suggested puppy love. Both good tools for my tool box. So I need more tools. Emergency tools to deal with the triggers. I think I just figured out what tomorrows entry will be about. Yay!!!!
This is short today. Maybe more this evening when I am hungry and thinking of cheating. Hey, another tool!!!

LORIN, thanks to you. Your anger posts made me think hard tonight. I vented in the how do you feel thread and even though I had managed to put a positive spin on some stuff and vent out the majority of my feelings I still felt a bit irritated and I found myself taking a step towards the fridge and then I realized you were so right about triggers that I redirected myself and buried my face in a love session with my Mooseman waggy doggie happy love. Absolutely no urge to hit the fridge now. It's amazing what a face full of warm waggy unconditional dog appreciation for attention does for a person.

I am really glad my long tangents helped. I know they help me but I was thinking they were boring everyone else.

[lorin]

I drink a lot of diet soda, never less than 40oz each day. dw

I like diet orange or black cherry with milk. Yes, I said it folks.......milk. Its like having an orange creamsicle or a cherry float.

[lorin]

Thursday, 9/22/11


You know, this blog is something like exercise. You wake up in the morning and to hell with it, you don't want to do it. Screw it. But it seems to help me get focused for the day. One thing I have already learned in this last week is all this time I thought I was a night writer, but I am actually a morning writer. This will help me when I start the nano month. I always felt that I was more creative in the night, but I think I mistook creativity for exhaustion. Anyway, starting the morning with a cup of coffee and some thoughts seems to work better than ending the day with a glass of wine and some thoughts.

I am going to try to be positive today. (not something that comes easy for me) Since I am being positive, let me start by saying I am POSITIVE I screwed up the diet yesterday. I ate a whopper hamburger in the car. Double screw up. I haven't eaten beef in months and months....Triple screw up. I mean, after all, it was Whopper Wednesday so how could I pass up the deal? Even as a I was picking up the burger from the window I was saying to myself "you can turn this around, there is still time. Throw it out of the window." But no, the saboteur had full control.

Every day is a new beginning so I begin again. And I will learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness is the epicenter of weight gain. (you can quote me if you like, all rights reserved) If there is no forgiveness, there is no hope. If there is no hope, there is no reason to care about dieting. So I am forgiving myself for screwing up and moving on.

So.......
then........
Forgiveness is a tool in the diet wars. I have to remember to always put it in my toolbox. Lets see, what's in my toolbox these days? Not much, unfortunately.

*emergency diet stress food, lots of it. Boiled shredded chicken, walnuts, oven dried apples, carrots, low fat cottage cheese, low carb whole wheat pita bread (I keep it frozen to avoid attacks), feta cheese ( a lot of bang for the calorie buck)
* legs for walking
* blogging
* solitude (maybe a little too much of it)
* the beach
* music
* and tearing the hell out of my toolbox, eating all my stress food, and making a big mess is helldog (Mya)

Can anyone suggest anything to put in my box? (now be nice, you perverts)


Have a forgiving day, everyone.