Kevin's Watch

Chewing used chewing gum is like licking the slimy dentures of every geriatric git in the greater London area.

licking the slimy dentures of every geriatric git in the greater London area is like kissing the rearendus of chronically ill sociopaths while rolling on the floor amongst sticky snake skins.

Spending a day with chronically ill sociopaths is about as much fun as being attached to a bunch of electrodes which administer a serious jolt of electricity every 30 seconds will being immersed in a vat of "Fear Factor" contestants who are still vomitting copiously due to eating Cow Brains, Sheep's eyes, Giant Asian Spiders, Live centipedes, and other nasty non-food items.

Speaking to "Fear Factor" contestants is like listening to a beehive in a bassdrum while jumping rope with 10-Lepers-a-leeping...

Knowing people who like Fear Factor exist in this world is like leaping off the top of an Everest-sized volcano made of poo, which erupts halfway through your plunge, coating you in bile and semi-digested broccoli, shortly before you hit the ground - which turns out to be made of glue and populated by zombie spiders.

Watching Fear Factor is like sitting in a dishpan full of biting fire ants within an air tight room full of rotting skunk corpses as the oxygen is slowly replaced with mustard gas while you lobotomize yourself with a rusty screwdriver.

Lobotomize yourself with a rusty screwdriver is not too dissimilar from watching the Pokemon movie over and over and over and over... [BANG!]

watching the Pokemon movie over and over and over and over again is like placing your head in a frozen lake while getting stabbed with a darning needle.

He is so ugly that even Stevie Wonder would flinch!

She has a face that would make a train stop, back-up, and take a dirt road!

cheval wrote:He is so ugly that even Stevie Wonder would flinch!

She has a face that would make a train stop, back-up, and take a dirt road!

Carry on the anology...
Getting stabbed by a darning needle is like ....

Getting stabbed with a darning needle is like sitting on chair made of rabid dogs gaffer taped together, while a homicidal postman drops letter bombs into your pants. Underpants.

Having a a homicidal postman dropping letter bombs into your Underpants is like having PMS cramps along with getting runover by a Hummer filled with summo wreslers while having spiders crawl in your hair...

The sensation of spiders crawling in your hair is like being gently tickled by tiny fairies, as long as you realize that some fairies are only looking for the right place to dig in and lay a million eggs in your brain-case.

Fairies looking for the right place to dig in and lay a million eggs in your brain-case is like stepping on hot dog poop in your bare feet while eating a frozen pickle in a swarm of nats.

Eating a frozen swarm of pickled gnats is like trying to repel the advances of an egotistical megalomaniac with chronic flatulence and corrosive saliva, who wants nothing more than to satisfy his fantasies by dressing you in a maid's outfit and chasing you around a building site with a rusty scalpel.

Fighting off the advances of an egotistical megalomaniac with chronic flatulence and corrosive saliva holding a maid's outfit and a rusty scalpel is like running on a treadmill that turns out to be a giant hamsterwheel while a tornado blazes by and sucks out all the air in your lungs.

Running on a hamster wheel is like being a hamster.




Heh.




Running on a hamster wheel is like having your arms and legs chopped off and fed to mutant squirrels while Stephen Donaldson sits across the room, refusing to write Fatal Revenant.

NO!

Having no limbs while Stephen Donaldson sits across the room, refusing to write Fatal Revenant is like being buried alive while the coffin is filled with all the worse kind of creepy crawly bugs and things from all the horror movies while "It's a Small World" plays Over and Over....

Listening to "It's a Small World" from a coffin is like being stripped naked and doused in adhesive lemmings while Danlo steals all your socks.

being stripped naked and doused in adhesive lemmings while Danlo steals all your socks is like walking through frozen elmers glue while screaming pixies pull your hair out and throw balloons filled with apricot jelly at you.