Kevin's Watch

Meanwhile, as Cletus and Kevin watched, the newly created Staff of Paw from the union of Vain and the vampire cat coalesced, and with it appeared a lady who shone with royalty.

(It seems the only way to keep this game straight is to remember all the characters that are "on-stage" at the moment, and get some of them to "leave the scene" at regular intervals so that it becomes easier to keep track of who is left. Right now we're just dealing with Cletus the gunslinger from Gilead, Kevin and the other posse members brought by the now-transformed Vain, the Staff of Paw, and the mysterious royal lady. And I need to take more time to ponder just exactly what powers a Staff of Paw has, seeing as I'm responsible for such a dreadful pun.)

The lady said, "Cletus, gunslinger from Gilead, I am Infelice come to warn you that enemies will soon arrive to contend for mastery of this pole-shaped periapt your companions have created. I urge you to take up the Staff and follow me to a place of safety where you will have time to master the Staff's powers for the good of the Earth. And your little friends are welcome, too, of course."

Cletus barfed and then wept uncontrollably. Poor bastard.

The exertions of so much crying and puking caused Cletus to faint. When he came back to consciousness, he discovered Kevin and the rest of Vain's posse fanning air around him in hopes of reviving him. When he sat up and wiped his eyes and mouth, Cletus saw the Staff lying by a patiently waiting Infelice, and declared, "I think I'm ready to grasp that Staff and follow you, now! Now that my release of physical and emotional stress is out of the way, what could possibly stop me now?!?"

Infelice, who spends far too much of her time being annoyed, gestured to the staff and said "Pick it up, worm. If you can."

Tired of feeling weak and ineffective, Cletus seethed," I'LL SHOW YOU!", got up, and grabbed the Staff. It flamed yellow fire, and looking at Infelice made Cletus realize that she really wasn't who she appeared to be.

"Who could she be ?" Cletus wondered.

Cletus then couldn't resist the urge to laugh. He suddenly realized who Infelice truly was and it tickled him like a wicked feather.

"Allow me to introduce...MYSELF!" said the figure who was standing where Infelice had been. "The name is Austin Powers, and I have a mission for you!" he brightly smiled.

"What the hell?"

"Dr. Evil is sending armies of gigantic rabid dogs to take over all the capital cities of the world, and I can't stop him without you! You hold the Staff of Claw, baby, and you can make it work for you like no one else can! It will oppose the canine menace by powering up the world's feline nature, causing record growth in catnip plants, and incidentally make beautiful women find you absolutely shagadelic! Come with me to save the world for fun and profit, baby! Say the word, and we'll be off in my airship!"

"Calvin will never approve of such a thing!"

Huh?

Nevertheless, Cletus said the word "YES!" to Austin while holding the Staff, and what happened next totally surprised him. Kevin and his cohorts all melded together as one and turned into...

...a wee cat.

"Here's another thing to know," Austin told Cletus. "If you hold your Staff and concentrate on thinking of the name, 'Vanessa', you'll turn this cat into my assistant, agent Vanessa Kensington, who can assist you in time of need." Cletus did so, and Vanessa appeared in place of the kitten. Amazed, Cletus, thought of the word, "kitten", and she changed back! Then he, Austin, and the kitten climbed aboard Austin's spaceship, flying over the woods in which he was formerly lost. Then they headed to the city of Paris, and the chaos Cletus saw there as night descended was beyond his belief. The first thing he noticed was...

...Satan himself taking pictures of the Eiffel Tower.

From the airship, Cletus had Austin give him access to one of the airship's guns, and Cletus used his extraordinary skills as a gunslinger from Gilead to nail Satan with a single shot, after which the devil disappeared with a puff of smoke. Then he held the Staff again, and thought of the name, "Vanessa".

"Vanessa, where art thou?"