Kevin's Watch

tired. that tired that is a deep down in your chest, heavy feeling. that kind of tired where the alarm goes off and you don't know where you are.

I hate family-of-origin crap. My brother, who was rotten to me during all the years I was growing up, is the executor of my mother's estate. She died several years ago, and he's been waiting since then for the housing market to come back in order to put the place up for sale. The place needs some repairs, which he could have gotten done in the interim but hasn't. (I'm a ten-hour drive away, so upkeep falls to him.)

The latest exchange started with my advising him by e-mail of my availability this summer to help with any repairs. I also mentioned that I'm motivated to sell soonest because of Batty's teeth, which devolved (as this kind of thing always does) into a long e-mail from him full of advice about how I could improve my financial situation if only I weren't an idiot. Okay, he didn't come right out and call me an idiot, but the implication was there.

So I called him on his tone of voice; he defended himself by saying that I brought it up; I said he can rest assured that once the house is sold, I will never mention anything financial to him again; and now he wants to discuss nothing but matters pertaining to the house. Sigh. To be honest, one of the reasons I'd like the estate closed is so I can go back to doing nothing more than exchanging holiday cards with the guy. We're ten years apart and have very little in common, other than having the same parents. And every time I try to start a conversation with him along the lines of, "hey, this is what's going on in my life," the reply is always, "why the hell aren't you doing this other thing instead?"

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Is he older or younger than you?

I have no relationship with either of my brothers either.(lousy English) I'm just waiting for one of them to pass. He is very sick.

I can't stand money and family. It is a terrible mix. It's all about control, dominance and superiority. Never ends well.

ali, i can relate (in a very odd way).

the disapproval thing is annoying at it's best and hurtful at it's worst.

ger has always (and remember i've known him since i was 18 and lived with hims since i was 29) "monitored" me. my behavior (at work and at home), my every decision (from what to wear to work to major life decisions), my eating habits, my relationships with my friends, you name it, he monitors it. and i always seem to come up in the negative. i can't do anything right. nothing i do is ever good enough for him. i've spent the last 25 years trying to measure up and always falling short. disapproval in spades.

recently i had some insight into all that disapproval. what i finally have come to understand is that all that monitoring he was doing, that was his way of "taking care of" me. that's what he's always seen as his "role" in our relationship (which has always been more brother/sister than anything else.)
it's how his parents "took care of" him. it's how he learned to behave toward those he loves. it's not very pleasant for those of us he loves sometimes but it's the only way he knows. (he's never been very good at demonstrative affection)

i'd always thought of him as judging but, in fact, it was his way of looking out for me, advising, trying to help.
it took me 25 years to figure that out (and someone making a casually "monitoring" statement to me about not putting my expensive new handbag on the dirty floor! lol!!!).

you may find something relative in this information, you may not, but i thought i'd share it with you nonetheless.
it's possible that this is the only way your brother knows of relating his
"caring" to you. and it may be that he is not even concious of the truth of it.

or...it may just be that your brother is an A-hole.

but i thought ger was an A-hole for a pretty long time.

Lucigirl, where have you been??????????????????????????

Thanks, ladies.

He's ten years older than me.

I do recognize that giving advice to someone is a way of showing you care. And I also realize that wanting to fix every problem is a guy thing. But there's also history here. The one time I straight-out asked my brother for money, when I was on unemployment and food stamps (which only lasted five months!), his solution was to have me quit paralegal school and move back home (to this same freakin' house!) with my kids in order to take care of our mother. Suffice it to say that the girls and I would have come out losers in nearly every way. But it would have solved all of *his* problems very neatly -- he would have been able to hand off Mom's daily care to me, *and* he would have had his thumb on my finances.

So yeah, he's controlling. And sure, there's a rational explanation for why he behaves this way. But that doesn't mean I have to tolerate his behavior.

aliantha wrote: So yeah, he's controlling. And sure, there's a rational explanation for why he behaves this way. But that doesn't mean I have to tolerate his behavior.

I would actually like my brothers to be a little controlling, or caring, or actually acknowledge I exist.

julie complains thattoo often instead of just listening to her, i try to fix the problem.

just my nature. i am more direct about things at work than she is.

for me and my current captain to get along it took me basically yelling at her and threatening to quit if we didn't find a way to coexist.

julie won't do that.

I suspect that may be a male-female different way of reacting thing. Cause my husband does the same thing to me. I'm just venting and he's busy thinking of ways to fix it.

I could be wrong, but that's my take.

Too much snorings to sleep again tonight so I am thinking of a midsommar party and what food to make. What will you guys get up to on midsommar?

ali: I feel for ya. Money+Family=.........

You might or might not do this, but my only thought (that I had to learn to do with various family members) was to go into the situation with my figurative wetsuit on. If I could manage to anticipate, but not react (HARD balance for me) then I usually could remain emotionally unattached, which made business much easier. At least for me...haha.

MsMary wrote:I suspect that may be a male-female different way of reacting thing. Cause my husband does the same thing to me. I'm just venting and he's busy thinking of ways to fix it.

I could be wrong, but that's my take.

I do the same thing to C. I've been working on it, tho it's haaaard.

I'm feeling pretty good. Things have settled really well, and I'm excited for the move.

Ananda wrote:Too much snorings to sleep again tonight so I am thinking of a midsommar party and what food to make. What will you guys get up to on midsommar?

Nothing. We don't celebrate it, and I doubt the Yanks do either.

However, I am keenly looking forward to the winter solstice...it won't make it any warmer, but knowing we're falling toward summer again helps psychologically.

--A

MsMary wrote:I suspect that may be a male-female different way of reacting thing. Cause my husband does the same thing to me. I'm just venting and he's busy thinking of ways to fix it.

I could be wrong, but that's my take.

Definitely rings true for my relationship

I am aware of it though, and am trying to determine when 'trying to fix it' and/or 'just listening' is required!

StevieG wrote:

MsMary wrote:I suspect that may be a male-female different way of reacting thing. Cause my husband does the same thing to me. I'm just venting and he's busy thinking of ways to fix it.

I could be wrong, but that's my take.

Definitely rings true for my relationship

I am aware of it though, and am trying to determine when 'trying to fix it' and/or 'just listening' is required!

Unless we specifically ask for a solution, you should not give one. Just nod and say, 'oh. oh no.' and stuff like that while you read a magazine with one eye.

Ananda wrote:

StevieG wrote:

MsMary wrote:I suspect that may be a male-female different way of reacting thing. Cause my husband does the same thing to me. I'm just venting and he's busy thinking of ways to fix it.

I could be wrong, but that's my take.

Definitely rings true for my relationship

I am aware of it though, and am trying to determine when 'trying to fix it' and/or 'just listening' is required!

Unless we specifically ask for a solution, you should not give one. Just nod and say, 'oh. oh no.' and stuff like that while you read a magazine with one eye.

This.

Avatar wrote:

Ananda wrote:Too much snorings to sleep again tonight so I am thinking of a midsommar party and what food to make. What will you guys get up to on midsommar?

Nothing. We don't celebrate it, and I doubt the Yanks do either.

Ali must get up to something for midsommar. And I think this whole winter during sommar is all in your mind. I look out the window and can clearly see it is sommar! Having never been to this so called southern hemisphere, I declare it a myth.

Ananda wrote:And I think this whole winter during sommar is all in your mind. I look out the window and can clearly see it is sommar! Having never been to this so called southern hemisphere, I declare it a myth.

Not to mention these so-called inhumanly atrocious plus temperatures... Didn't we have the odd frost night about a fortnight back when the day high was +6C? Just normal seasonal variation! The sun's up and shining well past 23:00!

It's like this outside. Look, no snowdrifts, ski tracks, polar bears, or igloos in sight and it's +16C! The penguins have flown away to seek better habitat in Northern Greenland.

And the river just across from us with NO ICE at all. And no ducks are wearing coats. That has to mean something.

Lovely pics!

For Americans, our big summer party is July 4, our Independence Day, and it is a very big deal to us. Picnics, parades, parties, and fireworks after dark; letting the kids stay up late waving sprinklers and eating too many marshmallows, hot dogs, and others of our worst foods. It's the best!!

Regarding family stuff, money really can drive in a wedge, can't it. I have a sister in her 50s who still thinks my parents should be supporting her. And anytime we mention anything about it it's nothing but excuses and bitterness, and everything is someone else's fault. It's an impasse.

Anyway I am very, very tired after two nights in a row of red-eye flights. I did enjoy the British Museum and ate fish and chips and fell asleep on the underground on the way back to Heathrow. Now I'm home and it;s been raining for hours. Should be a good night for sleeping.

Ananda wrote:Too much snorings to sleep again tonight so I am thinking of a midsommar party and what food to make. What will you guys get up to on midsommar?

It's not a big deal here. The extra light is nice but Chicago, near where I live, is at the same latitude as Rome. Sunset tonight is at 20:32. As Deer said, July 4 is the next big holiday here with parades, cookouts and fireworks.

aliantha wrote:I hate family-of-origin crap. My brother, who was rotten to me during all the years I was growing up, is the executor of my mother's estate. She died several years ago, and he's been waiting since then for the housing market to come back in order to put the place up for sale. The place needs some repairs, which he could have gotten done in the interim but hasn't. (I'm a ten-hour drive away, so upkeep falls to him.).

Even if the market rebounds, you won't get all that much for the house anyway if repairs haven't been kept up on for a few years. Better to sell the house for what you can now and close the estate, putting the absolute minimum into the house for repairs beforehand.