Kevin's Watch

Probot, need to ease up on the horse flowers; explain for dummies like me.............

Covenant walks into a bar, growls, and throws a set of jumper cables on the floor beside him. the barkeep says, "I'll serve you sir, but you better not start anything."

Hile Troy walked into a bar. Boy, did his head hurt.

TC and Foamfollower were sitting at a bar. The Giant told jokes, ten terrible puns right after one the other to try to make Covenant laugh. No pun in ten did.

(I challenge you to do worse than those!)

deer of the dawn wrote:Covenant walks into a bar, growls, and throws a set of jumper cables on the floor beside him. the barkeep says, "I'll serve you sir, but you better not start anything."

That was awesome!!!

'shade and bee-trials'

ok, so 3 Ravers walk into a bar.
Bartender asks the 1st Raver what they'd like to drink, to which he replies :
"I'll turiya one of the cocktails, sheol have a gin and tonic, and beer for herem"

.. I never answer the door when Jehannum's Witnesses come knockin' ...

Thomas Covenant walks into a bar and says, "Hellfire! Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, Covenant orders a beer again saying, "Hellfire! Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks Covenant, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" Covenant answers, "Aww, Hellfire! Now the problems start!"

Thomas Covenant walks into a bar in Revelstone accompanied by an ostrich and a cat. They each take a seat, and the bartender asks them what they'd like to drink.

Thomas Covenant says "A pint of springwine for me, thanks." The ostrich says, "A pint of springwine for me as well." The cat says "I'll have a pint of springwine too, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender pours each of them a pint of springwine and says "That'll come to $13-65." Covenant reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $13-65.

The three of them drink their springwine, and the bartender asks if they'd like another drink. "A half-pint of metheglin for me," says Covenant. "I'd like a half pint of metheglin as well,' says the ostrich. "I'll have what they're having," says the cat, "but I'm not paying!"

"That's $9-75 all up," says the bartender while serving the drinks. Covenant reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $9-75.

So it goes on for another three rounds of drinks - diamonddraught, vitrim, pitchbrew. Each time Covenant, the ostrich and the cat ask for the same drink, each time the cat says "I'm not paying!" and each time Covenant comes up with exactly the right change for the drinks.

By this time, Lord Amatin, observing the three of them, has become curious. She says to Covenant, "Ur-Lord, I know this is the Land where magic happens, but I've never seen anything quite like this before. How do you explain it?"

Thomas Covenant says "Well, after I saved the Land from Lord Foul, the Creator insisted on doing something to help me with my material and emotional needs, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. So I said to him 'I'm not greedy, I don't want a fortune, but it would be nice, whenever I wanted to pay for something, to be able to reach into my pocket and come up with exactly the right money'."

Amatin says "OK, that explains why you've always got the exact money for the drinks, but what about the cat and the ostrich?"

Covenant grins ruefully and says "Ah, well, when the Creator asked me what I wanted for my emotional needs, I completely forgot that neither he nor anybody in this universe understands English slang or expletives, so I went ahead and told him I wanted a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

Welcome to the Watch my friend!!!

I like that!

Welcome!

That's awesome! Welcome to the Watch!

Welcome DrPaul!

*dredges up doctor joke*

Dr. Linden Avery and Megan Roman, Thomas Covenant's lawyer, were chatting at a cocktail party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking Dr. Avery for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated Linden asked Mrs. Roman, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied Roman, "and then I send them a bill."

Linden was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, Linden prepared the bills.

When she went to place them in her mailbox, she found a bill from Megan Roman.

Thomas Covenant is sitting in a bar, just staring at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Finally Cail, seeing Covenant's drink going to waste, and beng disgusted with Covenant's constant depression, grabs the drink and slams it. Covenant starts crying. Cail says, "Come on man, toughen up! You're the Ur-Lord for cripes sakes. Here, I'll buy you another one. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry, much less the Unbeliever. Pitiful!"

"No, it's not like that", says Covenant. "This week is the worst of my life. Not only am I a leper, but I get bit by this creature, pass out, and when I finally wake up I'm too late to save the Stonedowners. Next I get stung and go delirious. When I snap out of that I'm too late to save the Woodhelven. I travel far to the only tree with the wood I need only to find a worm infestation. So I return to my ship, the Starfare's Gem, and when I enter my stateroom I find Linden in the hammock with Mistweave. Nothing but failure!

"So I come to this bar to wash away my sorrows. And just when I built up my nerve to end it all, you come along and drink my poison."

Covenant, Cail, and Pitchwife are in a bar. Covenant finds a fly in his draught and shoves it away in disgust. Cail also finds a fly, kills it, but doesn't finish his draught . Pitchwife also sees a fly in his draught , but downs it anyway, then grabs the fly and holds it over his glass and yells, "SPIT IT OUT!"

Grimmand Honninscrave walks into a bar with the Starfare Gem's helm down his pants. Covenant looks up from his drink and says, "Hellfire, giant! Do you know you have the ship's wheel down your pants?" The ship's master responds in a pained way, "Aaaarrrrggggghhhh! Aye, and it be driving me nuts!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That last one is definitely among the better ones!

Hile Troy and Trell are drinking in a bar in Revelstone.

A distraught Tohrm runs into the bar and cries "Warmark! The Ravers have possessed three of your warriors and now they're beating up Thomas Covenant in the corridor outside!"

Hile Troy says "uh-huh" and takes another swallow of his springwine.

"Don't just sit there!" cries Tohrm. "Aren't you going to help?"

"No need to," replies Trell. "Three warriors should be more than enough."

Covenant is sitting at a bar. "Want to hear a joke about Ramen?" he asks the barkeep.

"Look, pal, I'm a Raman. So is the big guy sitting on your left, and the bouncer over there is a Raman. You still want to tell that joke?"

"Forget it," growls Covenant. "It'll be no good if I have to explain it three times."

Ooo, good ones. DrPaul is naughty............

Quaan is walking down the halls of Revelstone when he sees Bannor coming in the opposite direction. He stops to say hello, but realizes that the Bloodguard is in a state of some distress. "They can't do this to me," he mumbles as he passes, "not again. I'll quit first. They can't. This kind of service wasn't in any damn Vow. No one in his right mind would ever demand such a thing." Before Quaan can ask what's wrong, Bannor storms off. Confused, Quaan asks a another Bloodguard about the First Mark. "Oh, nothing," the Bloodguard says, "they just saddled him with Covenant again."

After hitchhiking and being picked up by the one-armed truck driver, Covenant sits in the bar watching the opening act for Suzie Thurston. This talentless wretch knows only one song -- The Green, Green Grass of Home -- which he sings over and over.

The trucker asks Covenant what is the problem with this singer and is told, "Hellfire, I suppose he has Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Really? Is that common?"

"It's Not Unusual..."

Savor, you did it. You made one worse than mine. Well done!