Kevin's Watch

Pixie-driven hair loss is like an ill-tempered ferret trying to climb your right nostril while Danlo sets fire to stolen socks he shoved down the back of your trousers, all watched by a baying crowd of vacuous z-list celebrities.

being watched by a baying crowd of vacuous z-list celebrities while a mad ferret tries to sufficate you is like wearing a costume of the unknown comic except you didn't have any paperbags you only had dirty trash filled garbage bags and you forgot to cut out the eye holes....

having dirty trash filled garbage bags and forgetting to cut out the eye holes is like trying to tie your shoe laces and have George Bush's brain after a three day coke bender...

trying to tie your shoe laces while trying to think like George Bush is like attempting to breath in a polluted filled outhouse while writing your own obituary blindfolded.

Watching George Bush trying to write an outhouse's obituary with a blindfold is like your face corroding under the onslaught of your brother's girlfriend's perfume at a hundred yards. While Danlo returns your socks.

Long-distance aromatic visage-erosion concomitant with prodigal cotton foot-hosiery is like being chained to the outside of an iron-maiden containing the host of The Weakest Link while being force-fed the entire OED by a mid-level government employee, one page at a time.

Being force-fed the entire OED by a mid-level government employee, one page at a time is like taste testing first year home-ec samples that were derived from the recipies listed in ABC Unlikely, Absurd, and Odd Condiments and pizza toppings while practicing breating techniques submerged in a tank of sludge.

DukkhaWaynhim wrote:Long-distance aromatic visage-erosion concomitant with prodigal cotton foot-hosiery is like being chained to the outside of an iron-maiden containing the host of The Weakest Link while being force-fed the entire OED by a mid-level government employee, one page at a time.

Good post, Dukkha! That first line made me at the monitor.

Working at home is like being given the most wonderful birthday present you could ever imagine with a thousand pounds of chocolate icing poured over a thanksgiving turkey baked in a sauce made of winning lottery tickets and seasoned with injections of liquid joy and then load the entire lot into a rocket bound for the planet of eternal happiness which then suddenly explodes on the launch pad into a shower of skittles and hershey's kisses. Or some such thing.

The detonation of astral-bound-and-karmically-augmented poultry into a rain of bite-sized candies is a little bit like an unexpected sunshine smile from a sad-faced clown who only pretends to be sad, except for those people who have an unnatural fear of clowns.

DW


[now with inhansed gramer an' spellin']

Grown adults that are afraid of clowns are like pickles that have been left out in the rain for three months and then after a long drying period are then sliced into wafer thin slivers then scattered out onto the wind to be carried to the farthest reaches of the land.

The wind-scattering of shriveled gherkin cross-sections is quite like the creation of potpourri from the cremation ashes and partially-decomposed remains of your once-favorite unwashed pants... and, yes, I do mean pants in the British sense.

DW

Unwashed pants are like taking a football and cramming it into your left ear until the laces touch your eardrum and then injecting liquid drano into your mouth with a fire hose and then leaping into a vat of carbolic acid and razor blades while reciting the pledge of allegiance to a group of bored and unhappy activists.

Sucking hose whilst burning and bleeding is suprisingly similar to washing your face with stinging nettle extract, taking particular care to clean the eyes properly.

Cleaning your eyes properly is similar to a large meteor crashing into the Pacific Ocean driving its momentum and considerable weight into the ocean floor and proceeding into the planet core releasing gases into the atmosphere that turns all humans into three legged unicorns with bad acne.

a large meteor crashing into the Pacific Ocean driving its momentum and considerable weight into the ocean floor and proceeding into the planet core releasing gases into the atmosphere that turns all humans into three legged unicorns with bad acne is like having to explain long division and grammar rules to Geroge W Bush while he is on a three day bing of cheap coke and cheaper cheerleaders.

Having to explain long division and grammar rules to Geroge W Bush, is like Bill Clinton trying to explain Gentlemanly and ladylike behaviour to Monica Lewinski, and Hillary and Chelsea at the saametime while being pursued by a gang of papparazzi

Being pursued by a gang of paparazzi is like having your brain removed through your left nostril with a crochet needle by a hunchback with the most feral case of halitosis.

A hunchback with a feral case of halitosis, is like taking aswin in the middle of a vat of runoff from a redering plant, and then washing it of with cat vomit.

Taking a swim in the middle of a vat of runoff from a rendering plant is like having the skin flayed from your back by a blunt rotary mower.