Kevin's Watch

I feel like I'm not taking full advantage of the expectations of this SyFy channel that you speak of...
But crossover has a fine tradition in our Bad Writing Contest, so here goes!


Katniss Everdeen: Terminator-Hunter - the untold story

Scene: You appear to be in a maintenance room or warehouse, except with bunks in it. It is very stripped-down, and with paint peeling. Drab yellow paint peels away* in splotches to reveal a very institutional blue beneath.

A young woman with dark chestnut hair is asleep one of the bunks.
Her breathing is uneven.

<voiceover>
The year is 2034, and District 13 is facing its most unexpected threat yet.

A radiant, glowing fluid that pulses with (miniature but visible) flexible nanoelectrical hardware squeezes and squishes itself under the door.
The Radiant, Glowing Fluid assembles itself in a stream that travels from the crack-under-the-door to the nearest corner.

<voiceover>
Fortunately, the greatest weakness of its most beloved champion will be a strength against this.. <clears throat> ...unexpected threat...
<pause>
Because the Capitol has succeeded in turning Katniss Everdeen into an absolute BEAST!

To the tune of some truly eerie music, the Radiant Glowing Fluid reaches the corner, splits, and continues to travel in thin lines: one turning 90 degrees to follow the bottom edge of the next wall, and one turning upward. More of the Radiant Glowing Fluid continues to flow in through the door. After the last bit gets through the door, the lines of fluid flow until they are equal lengths.
They face the viewer like 3 basis vectors - coordinate axes in an uncertain world.

<voiceover continues, somewhat sounding like a male version Galadriel's voice saying of Frodo, "He begins to see... the quest will claim his life.">
For her time in the Games has given her the one gift that can save everyone:
Complete and absolute paranoia.

With spectacular FX, the 3 lines of fluid rip themselves off the walls - at first, into splattered smithereeeeens! They then coa-lesce into a humanoid mass approximately equidistant in space from the endpoints of the 3 lines.

At the same moment, the girl leaps up off the bunk screaming, with an arrow nocked her bow.
In one fluid motion, she has pointed an arrow at the humanoid mass of Radiant Glowing Fluid and is prepared to shoot before she has even opened her eyes.

The screen goes black, and then the title "Katniss Everdeen - Terminator Hunter" is flashed on the screen in dramatic white letters... with one of those giant metallic thunk noises in the background.


* In retrospect, I realize that I should clarify: the paint is not actively peeling in the scene at a rate detectable to the viewer. It's like, already peeled and we just have the evidences of it.

...and the bar has been set...

Love it!

Something Tangled - by Thomas Allen Cummins


"I know some parts of this story will seem incredible but stay with me and I think it will all make sense when I have finished relating my tale...

It was a dark and stormy night, just like tonight.
I had retired early because I had become so bored with television that it made me yawn more than once.
Gradually I became aware of a sensation taking hold of my body. First my eye lids seemed unusually heavy making it difficult for me to hold them open. Then I began to involuntarily lose consciousness, which I found quite disturbing in truth. This all occurred whilst I labored through the task of brushing my teeth. I know, I know, a more mundane exercise it could not have been but something I could not control was affecting me in a profound way.
When I completed my task I regained some coherence and eventually made my way to the bedroom but was again overwhelmed with fatigue. I approached the room slowly as if in a trance. No matter how hard I tried the bed continued to remain out of reach and before long I found myself laying on the floor in the doorway unable to rise. A tremendous thunderclap roused me and I again attempted to regain my footing but all I could manage was to crawl across the floor a short distance and climb into a sitting position at the foot of the bed. I sat there, I know not how long, staring at the vague and unfocused parquet pattern of the bed's comforter which was only inches away from my face. Unable to move I continued to sit listening to the storm hurl rain against the window panes and the occasional burst of light followed by a tremendous rumbling I could feel reverberate through the floorboards and resonate against my ass. Then all became suddenly still. There was a noticeable cessation in the storm and the house itself became quiet, like a dead thing save for the ticking of the clock on the wall in the hallway. It ticked relentlessly, unabated and unaffected. I listened for an eternity and thought the sound would ultimately drive me mad. Then there was a scream. A terrible, high pitched wail that cut through me like an electric shock administered to the base of my spine. In the space of a single heartbeat I was on my feet and bounding out into the darkness. I can't describe the feeling properly. It was something alien that I would not have believed possible. I stood shuddering like a freezing man though the night was unusually warm. Then the storm began to regain its potency and I was suddenly assaulted by a torrent of such fury that I cowered in fear. A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree sending sparks flying into the darkness. Screaming, I wheeled around in an attempt to find my way home and return to its safety but I could not remember which way I had come. I had become so lost in this nightmare that I could not escape. Then the Earth beneath my feet began to glow and in spite of the rain the grass caught fire. The water hissed and steamed as it fell upon the flames yet I could not detect any heat. I was confounded and terrified, paralyzed by the shock what was occurring around me. Just then the ground gave way and with a tight yelp of surprise I plunged down into the ravenous maw of the void beneath me.
Yet I was not undone.
I continued to breathe and I felt no sensation of my descent. I closed my eyes and drew into myself hoping that when I regained my senses everything would be as it had been. I would open my eyes and find myself sitting on the couch in my living room, safe and comfortable. However when I finally forced myself to look upon my predicament I found that I was not where I should have been. I lay facing up at the night sky. All was quiet. The storm was gone and only the myriad tiny pin points of star light interrupted the great, dark dome of the heavens above me. I was confused, disoriented. I starred agape, un-moving, terrified to act in any way. Then some feeling or intuition struck me. It gnawed at me amplifying my terror, insistent and cruel. It felt like a nearly unseen predator obscured by the darkness but deliberately baring its teeth for its prey to see. It forced me to make a choice and it would not relent. Slowly I gave in to the unspoken commandment and gradually turned my head to discover that the sky above was duplicated beneath me and on either side. I found that I was floating in the heavens. Far off in the distance I glimpsed the Earth, impossibly far away and slowly becoming dim as if the light of the Sun itself was slowly consumed.

Now do you understand? My tale is one that cannot be misunderstood. Its import is as clear as crisp, mountain air. Take heart, be steady for another moment. Time will allow you the opportunity to fully grasp what I have said for it was meant for both you and for me. "

Donald Trump Presents

An All New Mini-Series Special Event Extravaganza:

Hambo 2: The First Blood, Part III
The Hamster Awakens

First, he was a lonely Hamster, until the guy from Cocoon harassed him and drew first blood.
(First Blood)

Next, he was a Hamster in love, who lost his love, but got a badass necklace for his troubles.
(Hambo: First Blood, Part II)

Then, he was a Hamster recruited to go in and rescue the man who went in to rescue the men.
(Hambo III)

Lastly, he scored the highest kill count in a movie ever, and he actually didn't look all that old.
(Hambo)

But now, coming soon to SyFy, Hambo will be tasked with his biggest task yet:

Protecting President Donald Trump!....From the evil SWIM (Society for Women, Immigrants, and Muslims) over the course of 24 hours, while training his dead friend's son to take his place.

Starring:
Hamster Stallone as Hambo
Squirrel Weathers as Chinchillo Creed
Michael B. Gerbil as Rodentis Creed
Groundhog Schwarzenegger as the Verminator

And Featuring:
Jean Claude Beaver-Damme, Woodchuck Norris, and Rat Li as the Three Muskrat-eers

Also Starring:
Rabbit DeNiro, Squirrel-rat Johansson, John Tra-vole-ta, Mouse Witherspoon, Vole Diesel, Marmot Robbie, Hugh Jackrabbit, and Chipmunk Tatum

Plus:
Hare-risson Ford as Prairie Dog Jones

With Extra Special Guest Appearances by
Russell Crow
Steaven Seagull
Joaquin Phoenix
Mark Wahl-bird

Here is a look at a clip from the first episode:

Donald Trump's face is Tarkin'd on top of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's shirtless body. Rock-Trump is bloody and sweaty and breathing heavily. Standing next to him is his faithful bodyguard, Hambo. Hambo is looking badass with an eyepatch and bandana and army fatigues. They are standing on top of the bodies of thousands of dead protesters, and the White House is burning to the ground behind them.

"Looks like we made it, Hambo. America wins today," says Trump victoriously.

"Well," says Hambo, "there is one more thing you should know."

Hambo pulls out his knife and points it at Trump. Trump squats into ready-position, preparing to take on the giant rodent.

Hambo snarls and says,

Spoiler

"I....Voted....For....Hillary!!!"

They leap at each other and the camera fades to black.

White letters scroll across the black screen reading:

"A Donald Trump Production"

"Directed by Michael Moore"

"Coming to SyFy This Summer!"

That's pretty awful SG. You may be tied with Linna.

Get on with your Bad Selves. These are BAD (in the best possible way!)

4 days left. Still time to enter....

Good one Vraith. Er...I mean bad one.

Alice Beyond the Looking Glass.

I'm repeatedly cringing. *cringe*

Linna Heartlistener wrote:Alice Beyond the Looking Glass.

I'm repeatedly cringing. *cringe*

I also found that to be delightfully cringe worthy.

aTOMiC wrote:

Linna Heartlistener wrote:Alice Beyond the Looking Glass.

I'm repeatedly cringing. *cringe*

I also found that to be delightfully cringe worthy.

I've got a million of them. Well, actually zero. But I have the raw materials for a million of them [and a few thousand stolen ones].
My wife fucking HATES that shit. gotta get it out somewhere.

Vraith wrote: I've got a million of them.

Ok, a few days late, but the decision is finally final.

CONGRATULATIONS VRAITH!!

You're the next guru!

Congrats, Vraith! I enjoyed all the entries, but yours is the only one that actually made my brain hurt. Well done.

Yes. Congrats. Today you were the worst.

OMG! 10 to 20K? The winner will have to be exceptionally bad.

I need to do this for my mental health. Looking forward to the challenge.

I don't have any trouble at all writing badly but it takes it to a new level when its for a specific guideline or format.