Depression

[Avatar]

So why not stop doing it?

I mean...you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

--A

[deer of the dawn]

My life is moving into a cycle again of too much going on, too many unresolved situations over which I have little or no control, and, to top it off, the busy-ness isolates me from the support that would help me feel that I'm not alone in all of it.

The people on whom I normally rely for support and fellowship are also under staggering loads right now.

I just remembered a cartoon I drew a long time ago. A person (me) is bent double under a huge load, sweating; Jesus is standing there saying "lay down your burdens" and the person is saying, "No, really I'm fine, I got it."

[Linna Heartbooger]

My life is moving into a cycle again of too much going on, too many unresolved situations over which I have little or no control, and, to top it off, the busy-ness isolates me from the support that would help me feel that I'm not alone in all of it.

I'd noticed "the list" was piling up for you..... =(
Sounds like you tracking it, being aware, and getting as far as posting what you're seeing here... is a good sign?

I just remembered a cartoon I drew a long time ago. A person (me) is bent double under a huge load, sweating; Jesus is standing there saying "lay down your burdens" and the person is saying, "No, really I'm fine, I got it."

the things we say we believe, versus the things we actually show we believe...?

So why not stop doing it?

Btw... I found this a really thought-provoking question, to try to answer for myself, at least.
But then, maybe it was was it more of a rhetorical question with the ironic twist..
(I'm quite sure I could keep my thoughts to less than a 3-page diatribe..)

[Avatar]

It's both.

--A

[Linna Heartbooger]

So why not stop doing it?

I mean...you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

Well, then, since you ask, here are some answers for myself, why I avoid changing:
(...four months later!)

1. Clearly, it's because I think something terrible will happen if I do.
No, really. I mean this one.
It's not always clear to me what I fear, but in some ways, I was conditioned as a teen to expect that when I completed tasks, someone would either:
A. mutter suspicions that I'd done a sloppy job, or
B. just get angry and anxious that he had more work to do now.
And as a child who was eager to please + as a person with a lot of empathy, I looked forward to neither of those results.

2. Nobody else seems to know what they're doing.

What if I make a decision & just go from the frying-pan into the fire?

3. For some people their ability to do specific things that gets damaged by depression, or by their experiences.
For me, the thing hampered was my willingness to make my own decisions.
Remember in Mordant's Need how it was excruciating for Terisa to decide how to decorate her apartment?
Yeah. That stuffs for reals.
I'm slowly figuring out what it is that I like and I love.
I'm slowly figuring out that various people aren't going to turn and attack me if I express a dissenting opinion or take an action that is different from "how they'd like something done"; or that even if they do, it may still be worth the cost.

-Linna Slowposter

_______________________________________

Also... been meaning to respond to this:

The tip was to get plenty of sleep.
The theme of "sleep being a big deal" has come home to me again and again from a lot of different angles lately...

I always thought sleeping a lot is a sign of depression, not a cure.

It has often appeared as a sign of depression/grieving for me as well... the whole "retreating and not dealing with things" approach...
not wanting to get up and face the day...

But, lately I've noticed that when I have gotten very little sleep the day before, the next day my emotions are just rotten...
...and sometimes I think that's sent me into some pattern of depression or other.

[aliantha]

Yeah, there's a happy medium with sleep. Too much and I feel lethargic; not enough -- particularly if I'm sleep-deprived for several nights in a row -- and I'm wired, or exhausted, or cranky. I was feeling cranky earlier today, and now I wonder whether I just need to get more sleep.

I mean, I *know* need to get more sleep. I've been running on about 5 or 6 hours a night for weeks, when 7 is optimal for me. Also, when I get really tired, I eat to keep myself awake -- also not a good thing.

[Shaun das Schaf]

What is this 5,6,7 business of which you speak?

Yes, sleep, SO important to the stability of the mood cycle. I definitely sleep too much when I'm depressed - and also when I'm not , but at the same time too little sleep is a surefire way to trigger hypomania. For me, keeping a healthy, regular, pre-midnight bedtime is a matter of discipline. And as soon as I find out what exactly that is, I'll be fine.

Ali, I relate to the eating (sugar in my case), or drinking coffee to combat tiredness.

[Linna Heartbooger]

I was feeling cranky earlier today, and now I wonder whether I just need to get more sleep.

I usually find it more encouraging when I'm thinking, "I'm just a cranky monster, and am I going to start taking an emotional dive? what's up with me?"
...to discover, "Hey, it may just be the need for sleep... all I need to do is hold out for n more hours today, and then my system might be up and running smoothly in n+8 hours."

Does that work for you sometimes, or not so much?

For me, keeping a healthy, regular, pre-midnight bedtime is a matter of discipline. And as soon as I find out what exactly that is, I'll be fine.

tee-hee... but it's always fun to talk theory, right?

It's always so late at night that we get into some book or project that's really fun and interesting, right?

otoh, the next time you find yourself staying up late reading one of those heavy psych books you read to try to debug dysfunctionalities, I invite you to laugh at yourself and tuck yourself in to sleep.

[Shaun das Schaf]

For me, keeping a healthy, regular, pre-midnight bedtime is a matter of discipline. And as soon as I find out what exactly that is, I'll be fine.

tee-hee... but it's always fun to talk theory, right?

It's always so late at night that we get into some book or project that's really fun and interesting, right?

otoh, the next time you find yourself staying up late reading one of those heavy psych books you read to try to debug dysfunctionalities, I invite you to laugh at yourself and tuck yourself in to sleep.

Oh yes Linna, theory is so much better/easier than practice

I'm taking a nice break from my 'heavy' psych books. Unfortunately, I replaced them with heavy sf and fantasy tombs just as packed with thought-provoking ideas! The advice to laugh at oneself however, is never a bad suggestion.

[aliantha]

I was feeling cranky earlier today, and now I wonder whether I just need to get more sleep.

I usually find it more encouraging when I'm thinking, "I'm just a cranky monster, and am I going to start taking an emotional dive? what's up with me?"
...to discover, "Hey, it may just be the need for sleep... all I need to do is hold out for n more hours today, and then my system might be up and running smoothly in n+8 hours."

Does that work for you sometimes, or not so much?

That would require a certain level of self-awareness that I'm not always capable of when I'm sleep-deprived.

Shaun, yes, sugar. Carbs in general, really. Caffeine, too, but that ends up making me jittery if I have too much.

[lorin]

I was feeling cranky earlier today, and now I wonder whether I just need to get more sleep.

I usually find it more encouraging when I'm thinking, "I'm just a cranky monster, and am I going to start taking an emotional dive? what's up with me?"
...to discover, "Hey, it may just be the need for sleep... all I need to do is hold out for n more hours today, and then my system might be up and running smoothly in n+8 hours."

Does that work for you sometimes, or not so much?

That would require a certain level of self-awareness that I'm not always capable of when I'm sleep-deprived.

Shaun, yes, sugar. Carbs in general, really. Caffeine, too, but that ends up making me jittery if I have too much.

I am fighting off the big Gray monster these days. Sleep is very important and very dangerous. Not enough and I am irritable, too much and the Gray monster bites me in the ass. I think the secret is to sleep the same time and same amount every day. I take melatonin every night and it seems to help. Also watch your vitamin D levels during the winter. Winter blues have been tied to lack of sunshine, therefore lack of D. I take a D supplement every day.

[lorin]

Well, I don't like double posting but what the heck.

My father often says the at 82 he tries hard to remain relevant in this world. I never understood this. I used to tell him you create your own relevancy. Now I think what a pompous condescending thing to say.

Being unemployed has some interesting byproducts. I feel a bit bipolar. I enjoy the time off. I am exploring a lot that I never had a chance to do before. But I have come to realize how much self worth we place in what we do for a living. I can no longer say I am a social worker, etc. No one is patting me on the back anymore. I have no excuse to be a martyr. I am sitting facing the realities of my decisions, good and bad. I am NOT feeling sorry for myself. Even now I know I have a better life than most of the population of this world. I understand that. I have lost the 'friends' I had through work and that is ok also. Just weird.

Also today is the anniversary of my mother's decision to exit this world. I guess it makes me more introspective.

I feel empty. Trying not to fill the void with the 'bad stuff'.

[Linna Heartbooger]

Well, I don't like double posting but what the heck.

heck, yes!

My father often says the at 82 he tries hard to remain relevant in this world. I never understood this. I used to tell him you create your own relevancy. Now I think what a pompous condescending thing to say.

we do that, don't we? venture to speak of that which we know not...

Also today is the anniversary of my mother's decision to exit this world. I guess it makes me more introspective.

...I feel empty. Trying not to fill the void with the 'bad stuff'.

Isn't that always where our thoughts first leap?
Avoiding the bad stuff, that is...
...asking 'how can I seek out good stuff?' ...and the best good stuff we can at the moment... just doesn't seem natural for some of us. (!)

There was something I'd wanted to say to you ...going to go "rustle up" a post of yours from earlier in this thread now...

[sgt.null]

hey Lorin - just checking in, haven't seen you in a bit.

was a bit depressed. filled it with writing songs and poems.

[Cambo]

Lorin -

Surprisingly I've not had any major struggle with depression over the course of this whole sudden illness/girlfriend leaving thing. I've been sad, scared, worried, and in pain, but not depressed. Too busy just dealing with what's in front of me maybe.

[lorin]

hey Lorin - just checking in, haven't seen you in a bit.

was a bit depressed. filled it with writing songs and poems.

Can't wait to see you and Julie at the next fest. Im glad you found a way to fill the gray times.

Lorin -

Surprisingly I've not had any major struggle with depression over the course of this whole sudden illness/girlfriend leaving thing. I've been sad, scared, worried, and in pain, but not depressed. Too busy just dealing with what's in front of me maybe.

You sound really good. I'm glad for you. Blaze the way to health.

[Krazy Kat]

Lorin -

Surprisingly I've not had any major struggle with depression over the course of this whole sudden illness/girlfriend leaving thing. I've been sad, scared, worried, and in pain, but not depressed. Too busy just dealing with what's in front of me maybe.

Seems like everytime I click on a thread I get this depressing shit.

[Avatar]

Don't click on threads called "Depression" then.

--A

[Linna Heartbooger]

Lorin -

Surprisingly I've not had any major struggle with depression over the course of this whole sudden illness/girlfriend leaving thing. I've been sad, scared, worried, and in pain, but not depressed. Too busy just dealing with what's in front of me maybe.

Seems like everytime I click on a thread I get this depressing shit.

You say you're failing to look on the bright side and having difficulty seeing all the positives in those comments, then, kk?

[Lady Revel]

I have struggled with depression my whole life. Interestingly enough, my psych drs have tried DESPERATELY over the years to diagnose me as bipolar. Only, I'm not bipolar. But they want me to be, for some strange reason. I may have what vaguely can be considered a manic episode once a year. But I am convinced that is the one day a year I feel normal, like what regular people feel. Its not cleaning the house all night, trying to buy the state of New Jersey, gambling away everything I own; it is a day of energy, where I feel good, and funny, and I say all the right things. I wish I knew why the drs keep trying to lead me (and they do lead....questions and questions that try to lead me the way they want me to go) down the bipolar path. Spectrum disorders, they say. Depression, I say.

I stopped taking psych meds three and a half years ago. I had had enough. I feel better now than I have felt since before I was 8 years old. Have I tried to kill anyone since I have been off meds? Nope (well, maybe my ex, but that was just once ) Have I behave irresponsibly? Not that I can see. Am I better off for not being drugged up on psychotropic meds? Yes. I have also managed to lose 84lbs. I think they just wanted a customer. And I am sorry I obliged them.

I still deal with bouts of depression from time to time, and my strategy is creative imagery. I try to think of nice nature scenes, go for a walk, imagine my life going in a positive direction. And usually the depression lifts after a week or so. I cannot believe how well this works, almost mind over matter. But they tell us that this is impossible and that we need drugs to feel better. pfft.